I was so busy drawing, I forgot to notice when Augustine Dupre came home. And then it was dinnertime and too late to sneak down to see her.
Mom says she doesn't understand French people, and this is true, because she does not get Augustine Dupre. She understands the words she says but she doesn't know why she says them. Mom says it's a cultural thing, which means that if someone is from another part of the world and you are from here then they might say things that you don't expect, and then you will be confused. I think Mom is wrong, because I can totally understand Augustine Dupre and I have never been to France.
Like the time I gave Augustine Dupre a fake present. I wrapped a lollipop in ten boxes and when she finally got to the end, the last wrapper said "Sucker!"
When Mom found out she got mad and said that it wasn't nice to fool someone that way. She made me go downstairs and apologize, and even though I didn't want to I kind of cried. Augustine Dupre said it was all right and I knew she was telling the truth because she once said, "I'll give you ten dollars if you can whistle in the next two minutes while eating these five crackers." I tried and tried but there is no way you can whistle with a mouth full of salty crackers, so she knows how to play a joke too!
THIS IS SOMETHING YOU CANNOT DO
It is much easier to go downstairs and visit when Mom is busy making supper. After dinner she has more time to be watching what I am doing. But tonight I was lucky. Her favorite crime show was on and it was one of those loud noisy ones with lots of sirens, crying, and shooting. She didn't pay any attention to me when I snuck downstairs.
I told Augustine Dupre all about Sammy Stringer, all about Mrs. Luther, and all about my big idea. She said she was in love with my idea and that she would of course be happy to help me. The whole time we talked about it she was petting Crinkles. That cat has given all his Mrs. Luther love to Augustine Dupre. You can just tell it by the way he looks at her when she scratches him behind his ears. He is filled with love for her ... poor Mrs. Luther is definitely triple-wounded.
Today it was raining, which was bad and good. Bad because I couldn't take a professional-looking photo of Crinkles outside with the sun shining down on his fur, but good because I am happy to know that Sammy Stringer will have to ride his bike in the rain and get soaking wet while he is delivering papers. This is not just me being mean—he deserves to be wet and unhappy! Plus, the rain will wash away any disgusting germs he leaves on the plastic newspaper bag before anyone else has to touch it! But I will still wear my rubber glove, just to be safe.
What I Almost Could Not Believe
At school today Sammy Stringer was telling everybody that he had a friend who had a collection of bugs bigger than his hand and a jar filled with real live African lion poop.
A NORMAL-SIZE HAND BUT NOT A NORMAL-SIZE BUG
Of course no one was believing him. No one except me. Though I didn't think he was being completely full of truthfulness by calling Mrs. Luther his friend. For sure they didn't share sips from the same cup, give each other cheer-up hugs, or swear to keep real important things secret, which are all things that are done by a real 100 percent for real friend.
But I didn't say anything because I didn't want anyone and mostly him to think that I was taking his side. Sammy Stringer and I are not and will never be friends! Mimi said she was glad her dad bought his paper at the train station so they didn't have to have a paperboy. I told her I wished I could say that too.
Liar, Liar I Wish Your Pants Were On Fire
Grace F. was her usual Big Meanie self today and was trying to make up as many reasons as she could to call me Just Grace in front of every person in the entire class. When Miss Lois asked her about the capital city of Wisconsin she said, "Oh, I can't remember, but I think Just Grace has a cousin that lives there." This was totally untrue and just a big lie, because I don't have any cousins, and even if I did I would never tell Grace F. one single thing about them, especially where they lived.
So before she could say another made-up thing about me I said, "She's lying! I do not have any cousins in that state or even in the entire world."
Miss Lois gave me one of her concentration looks and said, "Just Grace, you know better than to speak out without raising your hand. Do you know what city is the capital of Wisconsin?" Of course I could not think of the right answer to that question, plus, Wisconsin is such a hard name to remember all by itself. When I thought about it, it filled up my brain and there was not even enough room left for a probably impossible-to-remember city name as well. Miss Lois was still staring at me and I couldn't think of anything to say that she would like to hear. Miss Lois looked back and forth at me and the Big Meanie, and then she said, "Well, girls, as homework you two can do some research on Wisconsin, and when you come back on Monday you can tell the class two interesting facts about the state as well as the name of the capital city."
"Are we doing it together?" The Big Meanie gave me a if-I-have-to-work-with-you-I-will-throw-up look.
"Sure, if you girls want to work together you can," said Miss Lois. This time I put my hand up. "I don't want to, thank you," I said, and I mean-looked right back at Grace F.! Instead of "thank you" what I wanted to say was "even if I were almost the last person in the whole world and all my friends were dead and Grace F. were the only person I would get to talk with for a whole month, or even a year, I still would 100 percent not want to work with her!" But you can't say stuff like that in a class in front of a teacher and not get in trouble.
Miss Lois shook her head like she does when she seems confused and does not understand what is going on. She probably thinks that all the Graces should be friends. She does not get that some Graces are nicer and better than other Graces.
When I looked behind me I could see that Sammy Stringer was looking right at me and smiling, with something gross stuck on his front tooth. I hoped that it was on purpose, because I don't know why, but something stuck on your tooth by accident seems a lot grosser.
The Completely Surprising Thing Happens Again
After school I saw Sammy Stringer get invited into Mrs. Luther's house again. I am not spying on Mrs. Luther and definitely not spying on Sammy Stringer, but every time I look out the window I just see them. I can understand why Sammy Stringer would think that Mrs. Luther is cool—she has that lion poop collection, which is probably making him crazy with excited joy. He just loves poop.
But the reason Mrs. Luther would like him is harder to figure out. She could just be super, super, super, super lonely or else she could be doing one of those anthropology studies on Sammy. The kind where she studies strange people that live in countries that no one has ever heard of before. Only Sammy lives here, but he is so strange so maybe that part doesn't matter.
And Then...
I tried to draw a Not So adventure so that I wouldn't use all my concentration on Mrs. Luther and Sammy Stringer, but I couldn’t do it.
Sometimes it's not very easy to stop yourself from thinking of something once your brain has started thinking about that thing. I drew Sammy Stringer and Mrs. Luther even though they were the exact things I was trying not to think about.
If You Hear Some Strange Noises Out Your Window You Should Probably Look And See What It Is
Mrs. Luther was standing on her porch, shouting at Sammy. At first I thought she was mad at him, which wasn’t so hard to imagine to be true, but then I could tell that she was yelling directions. "Run to the left. Now go straight. No, wait, quick—run to the right."
Sammy was wearing two big red oven mitts over his hands and was flapping his arms up and down, over and over again. He was running like crazy all over Mrs. Luther's yard, just like one of those giant ostriches they have at the zoo. At the zoo you have to be careful and not get too close or they'll peck you in the eye. Ostriches like shiny things like coins and eyeballs. Mrs. Luther might have put a spell on him and changed his brain to think he was an ostrich. Sometimes if something is bad for the person who it is happening to it can still be funny if you a
re the one watching and it is not you running around like a big crazy bird.
OSTRICH
BOY
But it was maybe not so funny if Sammy Stringer was going to think he was an ostrich forever. That would be bad, even for someone I did not like. Then when I saw Crinkles run under a bush, I knew what was the truth. Sammy Stringer was trying to catch Crinkles. Why he was doing it with big red oven mitts must have been a secret cat-catching reason. If Crinkles didn't like Mrs. Luther's orange cast, it didn't seem that he would be happy to be grabbed by big flapping red oven mitties.
"Go left! He's right there on your left!" shouted Mrs. Luther. She was waving her arms and jumping up and down at the top of her steps, which is maybe something you should not do with a big orange cast on your leg. Crinkles ran right past Sammy, through the fence and into our yard. I could tell he was going to exactly the place where he was not supposed to go. I was right about the cast and jumping, because the next time I looked at the steps Mrs. Luther was lying on them and Sammy was trying to help her up. She stood up and shooed Sammy's help away.
All the fun was over. Crinkles was gone, Mrs. Luther was limping like normal, and Sammy was not being Ostrich Boy. I ran downstairs and found Crinkles just where I knew he would be. I would make a good cat detective. Crinkles was sitting on Augustine Dupre's table, drinking milk from one of her very fancy French teacups—the ones that always make me feel special and nervous to touch because they look like they could break into a million pieces really easy.
"Crinkles is very upset. He jumped in the window and wouldn't stop meowing, so I gave him some milk to calm him down. I think his fear of Mrs. Luther is getting worse," said Augustine Dupre. "I am getting very worried." She petted Crinkles behind his ears. Crinkles did not look upset at all. He looked very happy.
I told her all about Sammy, Mrs. Luther, and the big red oven mitts. "This is very strange, very strange indeed," said Augustine Dupre, and she picked up Crinkles and held him close. She didn't say anything else, but it seemed like maybe Augustine Dupre was in love with Crinkles too!
The Bad Thing Augustine Dupre Told Me
Augustine Dupre told me she had to leave the next day on an emergency trip to France, and that it could not be helped, but the sad truth was she would be gone for two whole weeks. She would not be around to help with any part of my big idea! Not the taking-the-photo-of-Crinkles part, not the blowing-up-the-picture part, and not the gluing part. Nothing!
I tried to talk to her about what to do next, but she was not being a good listener like she normally is. She was putting all her clothes into little piles and doing lots of French sighing that had nothing to do with me or Crinkles. Crinkles went and sat right in the middle of Augustine Dupre's suitcase, like he was hoping that she was going to take him to France with her, but she said she would not do a thing like that even though she would miss him.
I could tell Crinkles was hoping that she was lying to me. He wanted to go anywhere Augustine Dupre was going to go. He was in love.
Taking The Photo Of Crinkles
Today was a beautiful sunny day. It was perfect outside weather to take a picture of Crinkles, and that was too bad because Augustine Dupre, my big helper, was gone. When you are going to France you have to get up and leave really early in the morning. After breakfast, which was not French toast because Mom said she was tired of it and so we had to have pancakes instead, I went outside to find Crinkles. He was walking around in our front yard. I was happy to see that he was not on his way to France with Augustine Dupre, but I was not happy about how he was not being at all helpful with my project.
No matter how hard I tried and tried, and talked to him in a nice, not mad voice, he was still not a good photo subject. Every time I put him in a perfect sit-up pose, the second I stepped back to take the photo he'd lie down and roll all over the ground the way he does when he wants to be petted. He would not stay sitting up. And then even after I petted him for maybe ten minutes, he still wanted more pets. I cannot believe that he is that lonely and misses Augustine Dupre already. He is a very needy cat. This is the kind of thing you say when you are talking about someone who takes up all your energy and never seems full.
Finally, I just had to wait for him to stand up and then take his picture when he was walking. It was not excellent, but he still looked nice with the sun shining on his fur. He is a very nice-looking cat. In photography language, someone who looks good in photos gets to be called photogenic. Crinkles is photogenic.
THE POSE I WANTED
THE POSE I GOT
Mom drove me to the photocopy store.
If she thinks I am doing a project for school she is always happy to help. I didn't say my project was not for school and she didn't ask if my project was for school, so we both were thinking different things were the truth. When this kind of thing happens it is called a miscommunication. It is not a lie, and this is good because I am not a liar.
Mom doesn't like to stand around inside the copy store, so she took a magazine and waited in the car, which was good for me, because she would for sure want to know why I needed a cat-size picture of Crinkles if she saw it. She would not understand my project.
The lady in the store was helpful about blowing up the Crinkles photo. Her name was Chuck, which is usually a boy's name, but that is what her nametag on her apron said. Chuck said that Crinkles looked like a very nice cat and I said he was, but I did not tell her more because I did not want one more lady to fall in love with him. I got two big pictures of Crinkles in case I made a mistake, because the cutting and gluing is always hard to do right.
CARDBOARD CRINKLES
Looking at cardboard Crinkles made me smile. I couldn't wait for Mimi to come over and see him. She would love him like she could never love a real cat, and that would be a great thing for her.
Tomorrow we were going to make a plan about where to take the pictures. Mimi said she would be happy to help make cardboard Crinkles stand up in all sorts of places. It was something I was so excited about that I could hardly go to sleep. Cardboard Crinkles slept in my closet, and I could not believe how real he looked every time I opened the door to check on him. Everything was going to work out just perfect, I could tell.
What I Learned About Wisconsin Before Mimi Came Over
I had to do my Wisconsin homework before Mimi came over. That is what Mom said, and then she said she was going to check it, which means I had to do a good job and not just write down some stuff real hasty, which is her favorite word for meaning not taking time to do something properly.
My first fact was about the National Freshwater Fishing Hall of Fame. A fishing museum does not sound very exciting, except for the special fact that outside the museum is a supersize giant fish that you can climb up into. You can even stand in its mouth and wave at the people down on the ground in the parking lot. It is the world's biggest not real muskie, which is good because if it was a real fish it would probably be the biggest monster fish in the lake.
ME WAVING FROM INSIDE A MUSKIE
My second fact about Wisconsin was the circus parade, which happens right through the middle of a city called Milwaukee. At the end of the parade the circus people give out rides on the elephants, camels, and zebras. I don't know if this can be true, because I have never seen a person ride a zebra, but I hope that it is real, because a zebra ride sounds very fun and like something I would be happy to have a photo of.
ME WAVING ON THE BACK OF A ZEBRA
Some other facts about Wisconsin are the state insect, which is the honeybee, and the invention of the first ice cream sundae in a city called Two Rivers. These are not as exciting as my first two facts, which I am hoping that Grace F. does not pick. I will be mad if she gets to go first and she chooses the same two interesting facts about Wisconsin as I have, and then tells about them like they are hers.
Mimi Is In Love
Mimi never gets to go near real cats, so she was super excited to hold Crinkles. I took a picture of her with him and in the
camera it looked like she was holding a real cat. She said she was in love with cardboard Crinkles, which was okay because it was not the real Crinkles, who already had too much love in his cat life.
After we made a map and a plan, because it is always good to know what you are doing so mistakes will not happen, Mimi and cardboard Crinkles and I went outside to take the photos. We did not see the real Crinkles, for which Mimi was glad.
MAP OF WHERE TO TAKE THE PHOTOS OF CRINKLES
Cardboard Crinkles was a great photo subject—he stood still and never looked away or flopped down when he was supposed to be standing up. When we took the picture of Crinkles in the shopping cart at the grocery store, a man came by and asked about our cat. He thought cardboard Crinkles was real! Mimi was so excited, she couldn’t stop jumping up and down.
We couldn’t wait to get home and get the pictures out of the camera to make the postcards. Dad has shown me how to do this with the computer, and it is pretty easy if you don’t press any of the wrong keys on the keyboard. Usually I am allowed to use the computer only when Dad is there to help, but I knew just what to do already, so it was okay. The computer always asks you lots of questions, and as long as you don’t say yes when it asks you about the word delete, things will not go really bad. Really bad is when Dad uses lots of grown-up words that I am not allowed to say, and then he has to talk for forever on the phone to a computer person who tries to help him fix what is wrong. This makes Dad very grumpy, mad, and not a fun dad. I did not want this to happen.
Just Grace Page 3
