by Leanne Davis
“We weren’t ready before now.”
She lifted her face and their mouths were just inches apart. Big-eyed, she stared up at him. “And we’re both ready now?”
“Yeah. We are.”
She smiled, and he dipped his head down to kiss her lips. Soft and easily, their lips pressed together before long moments passed. She opened her mouth to him and his tongue embraced hers. Her tongue caressed his while her hand slid up and anchored around his neck. He stooped lower and she stepped back as he followed her. She sat and lay back with him coming over her. Their mouths never parted. On and on, they kissed. Their lips twisting and turning, tongues going in and out of each other’s mouths, their hands moved with restless abandon over the other, bunching up their clothes or sliding through each other’s hair. He rested against her and let her legs cradle him before growing fiercely hard and pushing gently against her core. She raised her hips in response while they kept kissing and exploring.
Finally, with a groan, he lifted his head and buried it into the thick mass of her unruly hair. He knew it would feel just like this. You can’t desire someone for years, imagining times like this, fantasizing about it, whacking off to lurid thoughts of her like this without ensuring one explosive feeling.
What might have surprised him, however, was how much she seemed to be into it. As much as he was and just as turned on.
But it wasn’t happening yet. And no time soon.
He lifted himself off her and sat up. She had a mirror opposite her bed and he could see his mussed-up hair and his shirt halfway off. He tugged on it as she lay for a moment longer, blinking as she scrambled to sit up. “You’re really stopping now?”
He gently adjusted her shirt. He hadn’t ventured inside it with his hand yet. Soon. He would. His hand, almost on its own volition, strained to cup one of her small, pert breasts, but he resisted the urge. He promised her to proceed slowly.
“Slowly. This is weird, remember?”
“Yes. But I temporarily forgot it. Don’t you ever forget about it?”
“I do but then I remember I’m not going to screw this up. So, wanna play that?” He waved towards her video game console. She was crazy into gaming, something she’d gotten him addicted to. It wasn’t something he cared too much about until he met her. Cami was still much more into it than he was and often played half her nights away. He preferred to read books and learn more about life.
She let out a slow breath. “But that’s what we normally do.”
“Yeah. Isn’t that the point? But also, to avoid doing that?” He nodded toward her bed.
She smiled. “Okay, Charlie.”
Later, as Charlie came down the stairs, Kate was in the kitchen and he stuck his head in. She turned and said his name. “You know what you’re doing?” she inquired innocently.
“I know.”
“She… she can be very difficult. She might not mean to be.”
“I’ve been here too. It’s not like she’s a new acquaintance.”
“Right. You’re right.”
“I know, Kate. I know what happened to her when she was twelve.”
She sucked in a breath. “I didn’t know if she ever told you or not.”
“She did.”
“Then you understand her, better than most people could.”
“No. Not totally. But I understand what she thinks of herself. I understand the kind of war going on inside her, a war between the good her and the bad her. Sometimes the bad Cami wins.”
Kate slid onto a bar stool. She stared down at the counter, looking contemplative. “She can be… oh, God, the sweetest girl. Fragile. Soft. So kind and so in need of love that she could break your heart. You want to scoop her up and protect her, fight for her, fill her with goodness and light to combat whatever darkness she’s ever known and suffered from, you know? But then… I suspect you know what happens.”
“Yes. I do.”
“But there is that other side of her. You… you know that person too.”
“When she gets mean and nasty and acts out? Yeah. I’ve gotten calls from her asking me to walk her home from random guys’ houses and then having to stop every mile so she can throw up. Yeah, I know the two sides of Cami.”
“Are you sure you’re ready to take that on? I don’t doubt that your feelings run deeper for her. I’m sure it’s real, mature, and very sincere. But she isn’t totally as… I don’t know the word… as put together, not as well organized in her mind as you are. She still carries a lot of resentment left over from her formative years. It could turn out to be hard to deal with. You should not take it personally if you’re involved like that.”
“I considered all the obstacles. But I decided to do it anyway.”
“How long have you felt like this?”
“Probably always. But definitely throughout high school.”
She nodded. “You’re unusually mature and thoughtful for an eighteen-year-old kid. First thing that impressed me when I met you. What were you then, like twelve? I remember thinking you might have been more mature and together than Ben was. You still might be.” She grinned briefly and continued, her tone softening. “I’m surprised I didn’t catch on at the time. I usually do with stuff like this. Anyway, I won’t tell you not to care about her. I won’t insult you by trying to change your mind. I’ll just advise you both to go into this with your eyes wide open. A good relationship is a very welcome prospect from my perspective. But it won’t fully eradicate the scarring and damage inside of her. And you could also get hurt.”
“Yet, she hurts almost every day of her life. I decided to accept the risk.”
“You really did think this out.”
“I really did. Most people don’t understand Cami. I do. You do. But AJ is still baffled by her sometimes. She needs you and I more than anyone else. I know that. So who better to love her, Kate, than me?”
“You think you’re in love with her?”
“I know I am.”
“Okay. Then I’ll support you two. You knew that already though. It was just startling at first, and seeing you two kiss is... well, strange.”
“She’s eighteen going on thirteen sometimes. You and I know that. So it’s startling and strange to her too.”
“And you really can deal with that?”
“Yes.”
“What do you get out of it? Do you like to take care of her?”
“I like being the person she relies on and comes to. But I hope as time goes by, she doesn’t need me taking care of her as much as being beside her. You know the difference in her from age thirteen until now. She’s come a long way, and all because of you, AJ, and…”
“You.”
“Yes.”
“Damn, kid. You are one-of-a-kind. In the best way possible.”
“I feel the same way about her. She doesn’t. Maybe with enough time, she will have more confidence in herself… and in me.”
“I think she already does. About you, I mean.”
“But until she does with herself, we both know it doesn’t mean much.”
“Yeah. Thank you, Charlie. For being so honest with me and AJ and most of all, with her.”
“I’d better go now. Promised Erin I’d help her with some horse stuff. Plus, it’s the last few days of school.”
****
Cami knew Charlie was downstairs talking to Kate. She could hear the low murmur of their voices as she stepped forward and then stopped. No. No, she should not eavesdrop on them. She should simply trust them. They were the two people in this world she could always trust.
Even if she never fully did.
She crept backwards towards her bedroom and shut the door. Those four walls were her safety and anchor. This unlit, black hole where she kept the shades pulled down until it looked claustrophobic with all the crap she had scattered around it. She hoarded stuff and refused to get rid of anything. She didn't like to move or rearrange anything in her room either. She had nothing of her own when she was growing up. Nothi
ng until she was thirteen and came to the ranch. She came there specifically to meet AJ with no more than a smelly backpack to separate her from the rest of the world. And now she had Kate and AJ, Charlie, Brianna and Jacob, as well as Charlie’s entire family. Now she had so much more. A small fortune in family and friends and security and love and even material stuff. So much stuff. They didn’t seem to understand how wealthy they all were. Even Charlie didn’t really know, although he listened to and believed her, he didn’t really know what it was like to be poor, without a thing to your name.
She’d had nothing.
Not even the basic, most important things a human being requires, such as food, shelter, a warm coat, or a pair of shoes.
Love? Security? A steady place to live? To Cami, that was pure wealth. Decadence, even.
Yet none of her present wealth and comfort could squelch the anger that was still lodged in her gut. Sometimes, despite her best efforts to subdue the beast, it clawed its way through her chest, climbing up her throat and moving into her head and mouth. It could so easily engulf her heart and eclipse her ability to keep it separate from her healthy, healed parts. Sometimes it emerged as a clashing war inside her chest: good versus evil, sane verses crazy, calm versus outrage. She didn’t purposely allow the negative side to win. It slowly retreated as the years with AJ and Kate passed, but it never left. Sometimes, it had to come out and reveal itself again.
They showered Cami with love, loyalty, security, and the basis for cultivating healthy relationships. She frustrated herself in asking why that wasn’t enough for her to be better, do better, and act better. When the bad stuff popped out sometimes, she knew she was too old to let it happen. It was beyond time for her personal accountability to manifest. She knew and understood that. She even valued and cherished it. That’s exactly the role model she wanted to fill and portray to the world. But sometimes, she failed.
She sat down on her bed.
Charlie.
It was all different now. There was something very fearful about being different. Different was never a good thing for her. This time, she knew it was supposed to be. Charlie was always a positive influence in her life. How could this be any different? He who always approached everything, no matter what it was, with a calm stoicism, a quietness that was comforting to her. He was so placid and unsurprised by anything she did or said, that when she became volatile or explosive, his easygoing, understanding tone of voice, and calm answers to her questions, and even his tolerance of her anger, gave her a sense of calmness too. It was hard to keep yelling or acting out when the person observing you simply nodded, or stared at you without any expression, patiently waiting out your childish tantrum. That’s what it felt like on her end, a childish tantrum. He used only a calm, level voice. Never raising it higher and never trying to speak over her. He invariably waited her out.
He was always first to support her, no matter what it was. A tough day at school. Someone picking on her. Some guy dumping her or treating her lousy. She knew she had terrible taste in boyfriends. So Charlie was a game changer there.
But it felt so odd to touch and then… kiss. Wow, that was… good, but weird. She wasn’t sure how to describe it.
He stopped. She’d never known any guy to do that. Slowing. Stopping. Remaining in control. She wasn’t sure how she felt about that. Perhaps it was healthy. Normal. And age appropriate. Especially with her parents being in the house. No other guy was allowed upstairs with her alone. So, there were already specific rules being broken by Charlie, simply because he was Charlie.
But Cami never practiced self-restraint or healthy activities, let alone, tried to stop herself. She began to kind of like it. But then again, it gave her time to analyze it. To think about it. And notice exactly how it felt. She rarely paused for any of those things.
She spent the morning almost fraying a hole in her carpet by pacing. It was still odd for her to imagine Charlie and her. And how could she face him now? Her palms began to grow clammy anytime she pictured that moment. When the moment finally arrived, she became tongue-tied, speechless, and immobilized in his presence. And that kiss. Definitely not what she expected from Charlie. He was so good at it. With so little experience. She was slightly bewildered by the heat that brewed and boiled between them. Heat. Charlie. She was blushing.
She first considered throwing him in AJ and Kate’s face. Why? Certainly not because they were terrible to her. No. They were understanding and kind to her. They talked to her and took care of her, prodding her gently when necessary. They were lenient and tolerant of her friends, especially Charlie. But it was so easy for her to become combative. She learned how to at a young and tender age if only to get the attention she craved. She struggled to trust and believe in them. So, she continuously tested, pushed the limits, and tried to mess up to prove she was right, but they didn’t let her. She couldn’t succeed in her endeavor. She could never push AJ hard enough that he took a swing at her, or anger Kate enough that she would walk out and leave her. To Cami, any reaction would have felt more normal on a gut level than all the tolerance, kindness, and understanding they displayed. They lectured her and grounded her and took away her luxuries. And lectured her some more. But they were never hurtful to her physically or verbally, so to Cami, it was pretty lightweight stuff. Nevertheless, she was constantly seeking something else, perhaps because it was all so unfamiliar.
She went downstairs and found Kate cooking dinner. “I was just going to call you for dinner,” Kate said.
Kate and AJ alternated in cooking dinner every other night. Stranger still, the three of them usually sat down and ate it together. Kate strictly enforced that rule. She used to see AJ staring at her with a puzzled expression and looking exactly as Cami felt, but still, Kate insisted they do this nightly ritual. Eventually, despite its initial awkwardness, it became an enjoyable habit. It turned out to be something that, if they skipped it, Cami would have actually cared. Just a little.
AJ walked in just as Cami slipped into the dinner chair at the pre-set table. Kate set the table every night. Real dishes, silverware and napkins. She even poured the damn milk. Milk. Cami loved milk. She drank two or more glasses per night. It was ice-cold and so refreshing and was another thing she lacked throughout her childhood. Now she loved to drink it by the gallon. She had a friend at school who denounced cow’s milk and tried to persuade her into drinking almond milk or some other dairy alternative, and Cami wondered how anyone could be so picky. Food and drink. God, you know you’re taking it for granted, and being totally spoiled if you turn your nose up at something to eat. She dutifully cleaned her plate every single night, along with her breakfast cereal bowl and the contents of her lunch bag. Every single crumb. Every single time. She never wasted any food. She knew better. She understood its value, although many people she knew didn’t.
Kate served the spaghetti and garlic bread along with a Caesar salad before she sat down. AJ was washing his hands at the sink.
Kate used to have a high-powered, high-paying job in Seattle. Running her own consulting business, which she now ran remotely, she used to commute back and forth. However, a few years ago, Cami appeared to be struggling particularly hard, so Kate stopped commuting and stayed at home. She chose River’s End over Seattle. And stayed there all the time specifically for Cami. She worked from home, rarely visiting Seattle. Cami’s cheeks burned with fire anytime she contemplated it. She knew Kate gave up her entire career but not for AJ. No. She married him because she clearly loved him, but Cami was the real reason she chose to settle down in River’s End. For Cami, she became a full-time mother too. Cami was saved by Kate.
Cami loved Kate like… how could she describe it? Like a mother? Cami didn’t know. She doubted she ever loved her real mother. Thinking about Parker now only made her chest tighten and hurt. All the memories that filtered in had nothing to do with love. No, Kate gave her real love.
Kate was clear-cut and logical. She told you exactly what she wanted and expected and then pr
ovided all the tools to perform and meet those goals. If you failed, she punished you. If you succeeded, however, she rewarded you. Both Kate and AJ were always fair, and any punishment was dealt with love and prescribed for Cami’s improvement. They were more like “corrections” than punishments. Kate’s definition of “punishment” was a joke to Cami. Receiving a lecture and being sent to her room. Having her phone taken away. All of her punishments were centered on trivial stuff that Cami laughed about. Yeah. That wasn’t real punishment.
A coat hanger striking your bare back was punishment. Or a hard fist in your gut. Being deprived of food and water. Those were epic punishments, the kind children don’t forget. So, there was a distinct difference in the way Cami’s biological mom, Parker, administered punishment and Kate’s choices. Cami found it easy to accept Kate’s castigations. There was no fear or dread with Kate.
Cami began to trust Kate about the same time as the River’s End fire. Kate had just realized how screwed up Cami was and the full extent of depravity and deprivation in her upbringing. She helped AJ understand the problems Cami had to contend with and he did. But AJ still scared Cami. Even now, despite how often she told herself that the past was only a shadow and nothing to fear.
AJ was so big, and unfortunately, his physical form resembled many of her mom’s nasty boyfriends over the years. Obviously, her mom preferred a certain type of man and to Cami, they all resembled AJ, which was disconcerting.
It wasn’t AJ’s fault, and neither was it hers that she couldn’t be as close or trusting with him as she believed AJ wanted. But she could be like that with Kate. Kate was her precious lifeline. Her heroine. Her soft spot. Her champion. Her advocate. Her savior.
It was so complicated and yet, so simple.
Learning that someone gave up everything just for you is burdensome. How do you repay them for that? Cami had no answer. The guilt she often felt for taking Kate away from her successful career just to take care of her made Cami feel even more undeserving. It was so pointless to her, and that sentiment often suffocated Cami.
