by Leanne Davis
They finally separated and held hands. He tucked her against him and they headed towards the campus. “That’s the science and technology building. Library’s over there. My favorite coffee stand…” He kept up a running monologue like a tour guide, his eyes sparkling with excitement. He loved showing her the campus. Yes, he was genuinely happy to see her and have her beside him. She believed Charlie now and that his love for her was exactly as he said it was.
But Charlie also loved college, the experience, the other students, and what he was learning. The passion he felt for all of it often emerged in his voice as he spoke to her. He easily prattled on about it, telling her everything about his days and weeks spent there. She knew the names of most of his close friends, along with all the people in the classes he liked, disliked or was working with. He was candid and open and didn’t hold back anything. He kept her up on all the work he was doing, and how it was going. She was as much a part of his life there as she could possibly be from so many miles away. He never seemed annoyed at having to explain so much to her or keeping her an integral part of his life. He never acted as if she were hampering any area of his new college experiences. So, it wasn’t like he gave off subtle signals of wanting to be free from her. There was nothing to justify her insecurity or her fear of him outgrowing her. Charlie didn’t seem anchored by her in any sort of negative way. So, it clearly was her issue, even though she could not fully understand it.
They stopped at Charlie’s favorite courtyard, an all brick area with quaint seating, coffee shops, and unusual places to dine. “Rydell.” They turned at hearing Charlie’s name and up came a huge, burly guy and two others flanking him. Charlie fist-bumped him and said, “Hey, Dawson. This is my girlfriend, Cami. Cami, Dawson, and that’s Cliff and the other guy is Tyrell.”
Charlie had friends on the football team. All three wore jerseys with the university football team emblazoned on it. Their physical bearing and body builds gave them away. She blinked. High school Charlie was only identified as the son of a famous family. Here? Charlie was known strictly for being Charlie, a friend to the football players.
The big one named Dawson turned towards her and pretended to push Charlie out of his way before draping a large arm over her shoulders. “Daaaamn…” he drew out the word. “Little Charlie here wasn’t lying about you. I used to wonder if he made you all up. Cami-the-girlfriend, it’s very nice to meet you.”
She glanced up towards Charlie who let her go and smiled, looking amused while rolling his eyes at Dawson. His hands casually slipped into his coat pockets.
“It’s nice to meet you too,” she finally said, her words fragmenting. All of a sudden, her nerves made her self-conscious and she was unable to speak normally. She glanced upwards. He towered over her.
“You are so fi-i-ine. I thought Charlie only dreamt you up. Tell me, why are you wasting your time with that skinny bean pole?” Dawson was kidding, ribbing Charlie, but Cami fidgeted all the same. She was uncomfortable having his arm on her shoulders and his presumption that he could so openly suggest she was hot. She wasn’t used to anything like it and she glanced at Charlie for help. He noticed her discomfort and grabbed her hand, pulling her forward.
“Because she has better taste than that.”
Dawson laughed, liking his answer. “Well, promise me we’ll see you two later, out and about. Got some good parties lined up this weekend.”
“We’ll be around,” Charlie said with casual ease as he held Cami’s hand. They spoke a few more moments about class and an upcoming quiz they had to study for. Then the trio wandered off. Charlie continued walking, but when he glanced down at her, he was startled at the look she stared up at him with.
“What?” he prompted in obvious confusion.
“When did you become so… so with it? So well-liked? You have football player friends?”
“They’re friends of Rupport, you know, my roommate. So naturally, they’re around the dorm a lot. They’re not so bad.” He wasn’t the least bit smug or impressed with himself. Charlie always knew exactly who and what he was, regardless of whomever he was with. He didn’t vacillate or change his opinions, his behavior, or even his tone of voice for anyone. He was always simply Charlie. He didn’t feel the need to conform to his peers in order to make them like him. Now that they were out of the high school fishbowl, Cami realized that other people also appreciated Charlie’s strong sense of self and quiet confidence, just as much as she always did.
Finally, they came to the towering hall of his dorm. She glanced up at the concrete structure with large windows and he keyed in the code before they entered the building to take the elevator up. Her backpack was still on her back. Down the hall of doors, most of which were covered in posters, chalk or white boards, signs and flyers, Cami thought it looked like a collage of colorful wallpaper.
Charlie unlocked his door and swept his hand, indicating for her to go in first. She entered and was a little shocked when she saw how small the square room was. A window at the center, each side was identical with a bunk bed and desk unit built in underneath. The only luxury was the small love seat placed under the window. Football gear cluttered the floor of Rupport’s side and Charlie’s was much better, but probably on account of her showing up today. She set her backpack down.
“It’s not much. I told Rupport you were coming, and he said he’ll crash at his friend’s house so…” Charlie was really telling her they had the space to themselves. Her heart leapt with joy. She walked to the window and stared out. Her view was of green grass peppered with students walking or milling about, and trees that hugged the trail towards the brick and cement of the quad further off.
Cami grew up with much worse places to live than the dorm. One-bedroom apartments and once, a cheap shack that someone converted into a one-room living space. She remembered once sleeping in an abandoned church and multiple times with large groups of homeless people in houses that belonged to people she never knew. It was horrible. So, when she arrived at the wealth and privilege of the Rydell River Ranch with the invitation of staying there for good, she must have felt like Cinderella, minus a charming prince and a pair of glass slippers.
Even when the nicest place she’d ever lived burned up, AJ and Kate made sure she had a decent place to stay in the meantime. Every single night. It now was abnormal for Cami to go without food, shelter, and proper clothing at all times, every single day. And the house she lived in with AJ and Kate after the fire was a virtual palace. It was so clean, warm, and new. All new. Professionally decorated with all the crazy touches like accent walls in different colors and window treatments, they even asked Cami for her input. She was bug-eyed with incredulity when Kate first asked her. Were they serious? She could choose the color of her bedroom walls and carpet? None of that mattered, of course. Duh. She, of all people, knew that. What was most important was: it was clean, safe, warm, and it didn’t leak. It didn’t smell either and they could afford it. The rest? Luxuries and frills. Trappings. Lovely things but certainly not necessary and she most distinctly knew the difference between them.
Giving all of that up and moving into something as small and tiny as his dorm made Cami shudder. It stunk for one thing and it was ugly with concrete outer walls and cheap vinyl flooring. Residents even shared a crowded, giant bathroom. Why would anyone live like that if they didn’t have to? And the stupidest part was the students paid thousands of dollars to live there. So, for someone like Cami, it was hard to figure out why Charlie would go backwards in his lifestyle. Especially since he had a choice.
She felt intimidated with Charlie in that setting. He was doing something she couldn’t compete with, nor understand how to. He had friends she didn’t know, and she doubted they were the kind of friends she could ever make.
He came up behind her and set his hands on her waist, his arms surrounding her while his mouth touched the top of her head. “What are you thinking about?”
She smiled. “Why you choose to live like this. You even pay f
or the privilege. This is a lot like what I was always trying to avoid for most of my childhood.”
He laughed and rested his chin on top of her head. Sighing contentedly, she relaxed, leaning back against his chest. “That’s a point of view I’ve never considered.”
“But I know you’re getting smart and worldly and knowledgeable and pretty soon, you will be trained and all that.”
“That’s kind of the idea.” She felt his warm breath on her scalp as he kissed her again. He was extraordinarily affectionate and kissed her often. Just a peck on her cheek, forehead, head or lips as if to say he was thinking about her. Or he could not resist her. He held her and hugged her all the time he was with her. He clasped her hand or simply wrapped an arm around her shoulder or waist. He constantly let his interest, care, and concern shine for her. Even more flattering, he simply wanted to touch her and connect with her all the time. Often that was why the subsequent loneliness when they parted surged even stronger and felt more suffocating. She adored his constant presence and the feeling that he could never get enough of her. Being beside her. Near her. With her. As if he believed she was like an inspired, exotic, wonderful person with originality and new ideas and thoughts, and innovative ways of expressing them. All of which was totally untrue, but Charlie seemed to believe that of her. She found it uncomfortable sometimes to do more than warmly hug AJ or Kate. But Charlie? She quickly grew used to his incessant interest and affection and she longed to curl up in his tender touch and care when he was gone.
She leaned into him and sighed, setting her hands over his and interlacing their fingers.
“You know I’m glad you’re here, don’t you?” he said softly, muffling his voice as he spoke into her hair.
She smiled to herself and tilted her head backwards so she could look up at him. He glanced down and dropped a kiss on her mouth. “I don’t know. I never know. No matter how much I tell myself to be strong and confident when it comes to you and me, I’m not. You know, I could go out and beat up a mean girl or find a drug dealer with more confidence than I have to accept all the good things you try to show me and feel with me and share with me. I can’t ever fully believe you could want me as I am.”
“But that doesn’t change what is. And I am the one who decides what is for me. If I say it is enough, and I support it with enough love, do you think you’ll ever believe it fully one day and without hesitation?”
“I want to. So desperately, I do. I want to. But…”
“The thing you have to remember when you doubt or question it is that I am already aware of your doubts and more importantly, why you have them.”
“Yes, you are, aren’t you?”
“Yes.” She turned in his arms and slid her hands up to his neck, trying to pull him closer to her. She closed her eyes as his mouth descended. The first contact was soft, sweet, and reassuring as if to punctuate what they had just discussed. It quickly grew ravenous though as their mouths opened and their tongues tangled and collided, and their hands started to roam and wander. His hands pushed upwards against her breasts and her nipples hardened with his fiddling and contact. Her hands tousled his hair and he pushed away her shirt and bra to slide his tongue and lips over her erect nipples. She stripped naked and sat on his bed as he quickly followed her.
Minutes later, after rolling over and over and discarding clothes, the sighs and moans filled the air. He pulled out a condom and she took it in her hand. “Kate knows all about the trailer and she took me to the doctor to get some birth control pills. She told me to have a full exam and I’m clear and healthy… so we don’t have to use these anymore.”
He glanced at her hand then back at her face. His eyes were so blue and intelligent. She always loved watching his brain work, observing how he evaluated the situation and used his calm, cool confidence and reasoning. But he was taking an awful long time to respond. What was he doing? Doubting her?
As he sat there silently, she grew resentful. “Charlie?”
The mood instantly dissipated at his hesitation. She pushed on him and he let her up. She sat up, placing her back to where he lay behind her.
“You don’t trust me?”
“Is this a test?”
“No,” she snapped. But yeah, maybe it kind of was. “I just didn’t think you’d hesitate like that.”
“Well, it seems like it could warrant an interesting conversation, but not right when we are about to do it.”
“They’re birth control pills, Charlie, what do you think they’re for? Exactly this. This is what works.”
“Are you sure they’re effective? You’ll take them religiously and never forget? I don’t want to make any mistakes, Cami. I don’t want to be like Ben. It means everything to me.” He pushed himself up until he sat beside her and rested an arm around her as he leaned towards her. Was he trying to soften the harshness of his words?
“Believe me, I know that; everyone knows how you disapprove of Ben,” she scoffed, crossing her arms over her chest, trying to hide her nakedness. He leaned back and tugged on a blanket to wrap over her shoulder. He was considerate, wonderful, kind, caring and sensitive as always.
“I did judge them. They made their lives so hard and impossible when they didn’t have to be that way. It worked out, but only because they fell in love. What if they hadn’t? It wouldn’t have worked out half as well for them or Lillian. And of course, I don’t wish there was no Lillian. I adore her, but I’d like to decide when to have kids. I want to be responsible for my life… and you… and us. I don’t want an unexpected pregnancy, not until we are ready, in every single way.”
“I know all that. That’s why I took Kate up on her offer to get the birth control.”
“Yes, but you didn’t discuss it with me. Or let me just a have a second to get used to the idea. You always seem so relieved that I know you. Shouldn’t you know me too? I need a second. I don’t react to surprises that well. I just need a moment to process it. Why do you have to assume that I’m hurting you or I don’t believe you? Why do you always cast me as the villain when you should well know by now I am not, and especially when it comes to you?”
Her gaze shot to his. He stood up and shuffled around until he found his pants and slipped them on, looking back at her. He rarely got upset with her. She had a quick temper and exploded with him sometimes, but usually, his patience with her was admirable.
Something in her chest panicked. January third was the last time they had sex, three months ago. How could he so easily stop and blow this off? He must have been really upset with her. When honestly, he truly never was that way before.
So why was she so mad at him? He had every right to question her. She should have discussed it over the phone and told him what was going on and asked him what he thought.
It seemed so clear to her now.
But did she know that until this exact moment? No. She threw out the information and expected what? That he’d just change the entire foundation of having sex with her? And go from having some sense of control in how he prevented the one thing he didn’t want to putting all his trust in her, especially without any physical proof she was actually doing as she said?
She just threw it out there at him without any preamble. Impulsive and presumptuous. Of course, Charlie wouldn’t have reacted well to that. He was too orderly, controlled, and organized. Even with sex. They waited six months to have it because he wasn’t ready.
She took a breath to calm her buzzing, hot brain. He wasn’t saying he didn’t trust her, but that he needed her to communicate better with him. She knew that, didn’t she? Yes. She knew clearly that Charlie would not instantly assume she was trying to trick him. She knew he needed more time to analyze things. How could she throw that at him and not allow him a moment to register it?
He stood at the window, his hands on his hips, and elbows out. His back was slim and shoulders wide and white. He had a spray of freckles over his shoulders and around his neck. She always teased him about them and kissed the littl
e dots, finding them adorable. They were one of the few things that made Charlie self-conscious, so she always tried to emphasize how endearing she found them.
Her stomach knotted. Three months, and they were fighting after just spending several hours together. Hours of being alone and yet they couldn’t figure out whether or not to have sex or talk. No. Oh no. What did this mean? Were they done? Hopeless? Had they lost the fragile connection that linked them so tightly?
She knitted her fingers together.
“Charlie?” she whispered.
His shoulders bunched up. She swallowed her raw nerves and took a deep breath. “Can I start over? I know you need some time with anything new. And I’m impulsive and I don’t communicate well and too often turn it into a test. I didn’t mean to do that with this. I just… well, let me try again.”
His face turned far enough to glance at her. He was interested. She captured his curiosity. Tapping her fingers on her leg, she explained, “I should have said, a month ago, when Kate figured out I was coming here, she asked me to go to the doctor and get a check-up and birth control. She knew we were having sex, and like you, didn’t want anything unplanned to surprise us. I agreed. I’ve taken them for twenty-one days. My period was last week so this is my second pack.” She leaned over and grabbed her phone, quickly typing in a link about her brand of contraceptive pill. “Here.”
He turned over and took her phone, glancing at her. “It’s an information website.”
He started to read and scrolled through it until he sat on the couch. He scrolled the entire article before he glanced up at her. “It’s pretty safe, but—”
“I have to take them every day. No accidents for us.”
