Up and up it went into the star-strung sky until with a sudden mind-jarring acceleration and a trailing stream of bright green sparks it was gone into the heavens.
Sir John Rimmer raised his head from behind a garden wall and stared up at the night sky. All silent now. Just white dots on a black background. And as Sir John looked he fancied that he could see numbers upon those dots, as if one could join them up and spell out a message. And as he traced dot to dot with a finger not unlike a haricot bean, he also fancied that there was a message there.
And the message was.
WE’LL BE BACK.
THE CURES (Dedicated to Spike Milligan)
The scales of the fish
Help to ward off the plague
When worn in a sack round the neck
The wings of the gull
Stop pains in the skull
And convulsions that leave you a wreck
The froth from your beer
Is good for diarrhoea
And sand is the thing for the pox
A helping of stew
When poured in your shoe
Fills up the holes in your socks
Frogs, say the sage,
Will starve off old age
Jelly’s the thing for the gout
A spoonful of soot
Stops athlete’s foot
And soon has you up and about
Eight pints of oil
Soothe the spot and the boil
Some speak of cider and cheese
But the stuff for the flu
Is a tube-full of glue
And cabbages strapped to the knees
Or so my gran says.
But what about my ringworm then, Gran?
26
THE END
AND SO IT ENDS AS IT BEGAN, WITH A SIMPLE POEM.
And as I sit here all alone in Hotel Jericho, drawing the final line beneath the final paragraph on the final page of my final red exercise book, I feel a sense of satisfaction, if not a little of finality.
For sure I never changed the world for the better, but who really could? As Colon might have said, life is not about what happens to you, it’s about how you deal with it.
I rarely venture far from the hotel and when I do it is only at night. I have to be conscious of my every movement. I became too adept at causing change to occur during my stay in America. Now I have to take great care over everything I do. From the way I clip my toenails to the side I part my hair.
A millimetre too short on the right big toe and Germany might win the cup again. Too many hairs to the left-hand side and flares will be back in fashion. I abused my gift and so must pay the price of solitude.
I have some pleasures left. Small pleasures, trivial things. I watch a lot of television. I like to see all the politicians compensating away, never causing anything to happen, just balancing what does with a hand-tuck into a tailored-suit or an adjustment of the spectacles.
I have few callers now. The occasional Jehovah’s Witness, a lady with a straw hat who sharpens my biros. But I am contented.
Given my time over again, I might have done things differently.
I don’t think I’d have walked out into the path of that dry-cleaning truck for a start and I really would have dedicated my time to having a lot more sex.
But what is done cannot be changed. Except of course, for plumbing.
‘Is that it, chief?’
‘I think so, Barry, I can’t think of anything else to write.’
‘Not too morbid this last bit, not a feel-bad ending?’
‘I don’t think so. Just a bit of repentance and introspection to show that I’m really a caring sort of fellow.’
‘That’s nice, chief. So what shall we do now?’
I rose from my desk, went over to the window and drew aside the greasy curtain. Sunlight fell upon my ghostly features.
Golden sunlight falling from a sky of the deepest blue.
‘Stuff it in here,’ I said. ‘Let’s hit the beach.’
THE END
Also by
ROBERT RANKIN
The Antipope
The Brentford Triangle
East of Ealing
The Sprouts of Wrath
Armageddon: The Musical
They Came and Ate Us
The Suburban Book of the Dead
The Book of Ultimate Truths
Raiders of the Lost Car Park
The Greatest Show Off Earth
The Most Amazing Man Who Ever Lived
The Garden of Unearthly Delights
A Dog Called Demolition
Nostradamus Ate My Hamster
Sprout Mask Replica
The Brentford Chainstore Massacre
The Dance of the Voodoo Handbag
Apocalypso
Snuff Fiction
Sex and Drugs and Sausage Rolls
Waiting for Godalming
Web Site Story
The Fandom of the Operator
The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse
The Witches of Chiswick
Knees Up Mother Earth
The Brightonomicon
The Toyminator
The Da-da-de-da-da Code
Necrophenia
Retromancer
The Japanese Devil Fish Girl and Other Unnatural Attractions
The Mechanical Messiah and Other Marvels of the Modern Age
The Educated Ape and Other Wonders of the Worlds
Illustrated works:
The Bumper Book of Ficts written by Neil Gardner
EMPIRES
E-book edition cover illustration by Robert Rankin
Additional editing and art direction, well-turned ankles and a wicked sense of humour, Rachel Hayward
Table of Contents
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2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
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Sprout Mask Replica (Completely Barking Mad Trilogy Book 1) Page 25
