by Jim English
“Oh, will you look at Miss Thing!” Jose shouts. “I think a certain blond hunk wants your body! You’ve got to go talk to him!”
Suddenly, you tense up—this guy is just way too good-looking for you. “The music’s too loud,” you mutter. “We can’t have a conversation in here.”
Jose gives you the bitchiest face he can possibly muster. “If you don’t go talk to him, I will personally kick your ass.”
* * *
If you go talk to the cute blond boy, turn to this page.
If you stay at the bar and nurse your drink, turn to this page.
“Wait!” you tell Cosmo. “I came here for your help! The zombies are attacking Fire Island!”
He lowers the shotgun. “You’re not one of them?”
“Of course not,” you tell him, and then you point to the wax figure of Champagne Toast. “This queen threatened me on the way over here. She must think you know a way to stop her.”
“Follow me,” he says, and he leads you to his living quarters, a cozy room at the back of the museum with a television and two easy chairs. “Lifetime’s running a Golden Girls marathon, and I can’t miss a minute. I only came out because a commercial was on.”
“But Cosmo—”
He holds up one hand, gesturing for you to be quiet. “Wait until a commercial,” he says, and then he starts chuckling at the on-screen antics of Estelle Getty and Bea Arthur. “I swear to God, these bitches crack me up!”
* * *
Turn to this page.
When you open your eyes, you find yourself in a beautiful underwater cavern; the walls are covered with a shimmering fluorescent moss. In a nearby pool, several incredibly hot guys are playing, splashing, and frolicking.
A man with a long beard is leaning over you. He presses the back of his hand to your forehead. “You had a pretty close call with the zombies,” he says. “How are you feeling?”
“Who are you?” you ask.
“My name is Dr. Nemo,” he says, “and I have brought you to a safe haven. Our kingdom has been here for thousands of years, and no human has ever managed to find us.”
“No human?” you ask. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
There’s a loud splash near the pool, and one of the men hoists himself out of the pool. You’re astonished to see that the top half of his body is human—but the bottom half consists entirely of a giant fish tail! He flops around for a moment or two, and then suddenly the tail transforms into a pair of ordinary human legs, an extremely fine ass, and eight of the finest uncut inches you’ve ever seen.
The doctor smiles at your astonishment. “We are the Mermen of Fire Island,” he says. “Welcome to our underwater kingdom.”
* * *
Turn to this page.
Sensing an opportunity, you flash your best smile and try to flatter Champagne Toast. “The honor would be all mine,” you tell her. “I’d love to see what’s underneath that Lycra pantsuit.”
Champagne Toast points one of her razor-sharp nails at Lance. “You! Secret agent man!” she barks. “Get lost!”
You wink at Lance, assuring him you know what you’re doing, and he leaves the room. Then Champagne Toast reaches in her handbag for a pair of metal handcuffs. “I ain’t stupid, pretty-boy,” she says. “I know you’re just dying to rip off my wig. So if you want to rumble in the jungle, you’re going to have to put these cuffs on.” She tosses them across the room. “Hands behind your back.”
This isn’t what you were expecting—if you handcuff yourself behind your back, you’ll be completely powerless! Maybe you should try to overpower Champagne Toast while you still have the chance. It seems like a long shot, but with only five minutes left before the missiles strike, do you really have any other choice?
* * *
If you cuff your hands behind your back, turn to this page.
If you charge Champagne Toast and try to remove her wig, turn to this page.
As you sprint through town to the ferry terminal, you realize the entire island is in a panic. People are crying and screaming. Stores are being looted. It’s total chaos!
As you and Jose approach the pier, you see that the ferryboat is slowly pulling away!
“Wait!” you shout, and start running.
“Slow down!” Jose cries. “I can’t run that fast!”
On the deck of the ship, several men are waving you forward.
“You can make it!” one of them shouts.
“You’re going to have to jump!” another yells.
It looks like an eight-foot leap—you could probably make it, but Jose doesn’t have a chance. “Don’t leave me here with the zombies!” he shouts. “Pleeeease!”
* * *
If you try to jump onto the ship, turn to this page.
If you stay on the pier with Jose and try to find another way to escape, turn to this page.
When the next commercial comes on, you ask Cosmo how he stopped the zombies in 1963. “It was easy,” he shrugs. “I devised a special anti-zombie lens and took it to the Fire Island Lighthouse. By shining the light through the lens, I made all the zombies turn into dust.”
“That’s a fantastic idea!” you exclaim. “Do you still have it?”
“It’s down in the basement somewhere,” he says. “But I’m just an old queen now. I can’t be galavanting all over the island. I’d much rather stay here and watch Betty White.”
“Can you give me the lens?” you ask.
Cosmo raises his hand, calling for silence, and you realize that The Golden Girls has resumed. “Estelle Getty is speaking,” he says. “Hold your questions until she’s finished.”
* * *
Turn to this page.
You’re pretty sure it’s a right turn at the post office, a left turn at the coffee shop, and a right turn at the bookstore—and with zombies swarming all around you, there’s no time to think twice. You just start running.
But after you make a right turn at the post office, you realize you’re going in the wrong direction—there’s no sign of a coffee shop or a bookstore! In fact, you find yourself in a long, yawning alleyway that ends in a brick wall.
From behind you, a grating voice begins to cackle: “Wellll, wellll, looookeee herrrrrrrre!” You turn around and see three hideous drag queens at the far end of the alley, shuffling and lurching toward you.
If only you were better with directions!
THE END
As you return to your beach blanket, you tell yourself the lifeguard wasn’t that good-looking—and you can definitely pick up somebody better. But as you scan the ocean for potential targets, you notice something peculiar: a large metal drum is bobbing near the shore. A warning stenciled on its side reads: WARNING—RADIOACTIVE WASTE.
Lots of guys are pointing and staring at the drum, and eventually three burly drag queens wade into the water and drag it ashore. Curious, you walk over to take a closer look.
There’s a small fracture near the bottom of the drum, and a milky white liquid is oozing onto the sand. One of the drag queens touches the liquid. It appears to have a thick, sticky consistency.
“This feels strangely familiar,” she jokes, and both of her friends start laughing.
* * *
Turn to this page.
“Get on my back!” you tell Lance.
He shakes his head. “Cosmo says that diminishes the strength of the boots. You go ahead and I’ll find a way to catch up.”
He’s one of the few attractive men you’ve met all day. “Get on my back,” you tell him again. “I’m not leaving you here.”
Lance reluctantly grabs on and hooks his arms around your chest. “All right,” he shouts. “Giddyup!”
You run south, toward the clustered group of zombies, and leap into the air. Thanks to the Prada boots of speed, you manage to rise several feet. But Lance’s extra weight forces you back down to Earth—and you land right in the middle of the zombies.
“Look, Marrrrrry,” one of them groans. “We’ve
found us a couple of lammmmmmbs!”
THE END
“Whatever you say,” you tell Champagne Toast.
You place your wrists behind your back and cuff them together.
“That’s much better,” she says. “Now brace yourself for one of the most fantastic experiences you’ll ever have.”
You have to muster all of your courage to keep yourself from screaming. Champagne Toast tugs off your bathing suit and lowers it to the floor. “Somebody call The Guinness Book of World Records!” she shrieks. “My velvet lips are going to enjoy every inch of this!”
She opens her gaping mouth like a monster preparing to devour some small animal, and you have to close your eyes. But as soon as you do, there’s a loud crash, and Lance comes charging into the room. You’ve distracted Champagne Toast just long enough for him to run up behind her and yank off her wig!
“Noooooooooooo!” she shrieks.
And a moment later, she crumbles into a mound of dust!
“You’re just in time!” you tell Lance.
He lifts your bathing suit up to your waist—but not before thoroughly checking you out. “When she mentioned The Guinness Book of World Records, I just had to come in and see for myself,” he explains.
* * *
Turn to this page.
“Now that you’ve seen our kingdom,” Dr. Nemo says, “you will need to make a decision. You may stay with us forever and live in eternal happiness. Or we can erase your memory of this afternoon and return you to Manhattan. But I must warn you: the zombie plague is destined to spread beyond Fire Island. Those horrific creatures are deadly enough to take over the world!”
After glancing around the cave, you realize you haven’t seen any females yet. “Do you guys have any women here?”
He reacts like the question is absurd. “There’s a village of mermaids ten miles west of here, but we only see them a few times a year. At Pride Parades, rallies, that sort of thing.”
Your mind reels at your current predicament. An entire community of hot gay mermen, doing nothing but swimming and frolicking in the water? It sounds almost too good to be true. But, then again, won’t you miss your friends and your career back in New York? Maybe the best thing to do is return to your own people.
“I’m afraid we’ll need your decision immediately,” Dr. Nemo says.
* * *
If you decide to join the mermen community, turn to this page.
If you ask Dr. Nemo to return you to Manhattan, turn to this page.
You’re pretty sure the sheriff told you to take a left at the post office, a left at the coffee shop, and then another left at the bookstore—and with zombies gathering around you, there’s no time to think twice. You run toward the museum as fast as your legs will carry you.
After making the left turn at the post office, it’s only another minute or so before you find the coffee shop. You take another left, but this is where you start to feel lost. There’s no bookstore anywhere in sight—just a bunch of antique shops. One of them specializes in vintage wigs and clothing accessories, and you run inside for directions.
You quickly regret this decision, however, as you find dozens of zombies clawing at sales racks and trying on different outfits. “We’re notttttttttttt decennnnnnt,” one of them groans, while another wraps her feathered boa around your neck and proceeds to squeeze the very life out of you.
THE END
You do your best to look confident as you walk toward the gorgeous hunk. But the penetrating gaze of his hazel eyes weakens your resolve. “I’m Gabe,” he says. “This is some club, isn’t it?”
He nods at the slender, sexy go-go boy who’s dancing right next to you; his spasmic moves look like a series of strange, wild convulsions. You can’t tell if he’s trying to seduce someone or just having an epileptic seizure. One of his arms comes flailing in your direction, and your Margarita splashes out of its glass.
“Watch it, you stupid e-tard!” Gabe shouts. Then he takes you by the arm and leads you to the bar. “Come on, I’ll buy you another drink.”
* * *
Turn to this page.
“Let’s go to the sheriff’s office,” you tell Jose. “The cops on Fire Island may turn a blind eye to Ecstasy, Special K, and sex in public places, but there’s no way they’ll tolerate marauding zombies!”
It’s just a quick walk through the now-deserted town to the local police precinct, a brick building marked FIRE ISLAND POLICE DEPARTMENT. You expect to see dozens of armed deputies out front, but the street is empty. The lights in the building are off. The front door is ajar.
“I don’t like the looks of this,” Jose says as he clutches your arm. “What kind of police department leaves the front door wide open? That whole place could be full of zombies!”
Maybe he’s right—maybe you’d be better off going to Cherry Grove. The building does seem strangely unprotected …
* * *
If you head into the police station anyway, turn to this page.
If you head to Cherry Grove, turn to this page.
“Excuse me, ladies,” you say, “but maybe you shouldn’t touch that—”
Before you can elaborate, the queen falls to the ground and starts thrashing. “Get it off me!” she screams. Plumes of smoke rise from her hands, and you hear a loud sizzling sound, like burning grease. “It’s melting my skin! Make it stop!”
If you were carrying a rag or a tissue, you could wipe the ooze from her fingers. Unfortunately, the only garment you have is your bathing suit. You were hoping to get naked at some point on this vacation—but not nearly so soon!
Maybe you should carry the queen into the ocean instead. They say a little salt water can cure anything—maybe it’s just the trick for combating toxic radioactive waste.
* * *
If you use your bathing suit to clean her off, turn to this page.
If you carry her into the ocean, turn to this page.
As you and Gabe sit at the bar, you feel your nervousness ebbing away. He seems like a genuinely nice guy. He explains that he’s in the graduate school of business at Columbia University, and his friends have rented a share on Fire Island for the entire month.
“I’ve been tending bar here three nights a week, just to help pay the rent,” he explains, and then he shows you his key ring. “That means I’ve got access to the roof. It has a fabulous view of the island.”
Hmmmm … if you follow Gabe up to the rooftop, you bet the island view isn’t the only fabulous thing you’ll see. He’s the kind of guy you’d always hoped to meet. But then again, do you really want to prolong your stay on Fire Island? Maybe you should invite Gabe to join in your escape, and then get the hell out of there.
* * *
If you tell Gabe that you need to leave the island right away, turn to this page.
If you follow Gabe up to the roof, turn to this page.
During the next commercial break, Cosmo brings you down to the basement and gives you the special anti-zombie device—it looks like a giant contact lens. “This will stop them,” he says, “but you’ll never make it to the lighthouse. These zombies multiply like rabbits. Champagne Toast probably has my museum under constant surveillance, and she’ll grab you as soon as you walk outside.”
Then he gestures to an old wooden door that you hadn’t noticed before—it’s covered with cobwebs, and the rusty hinges are crumbling. “No one’s used this secret passageway in a long time, but it should take you to the marina in Cherry Grove. You’ll find plenty of boats there. Steal one with a good motor, and get the hell out of here.”
“What about you, Cosmo?”
“What about me?” he asks. “There are eight more episodes of The Golden Girls airing tonight, and I ain’t missing them on account of a few zombies.”
* * *
If you take the secret passageway, turn to this page.
If you take the lens and try to reach the lighthouse, turn to this page.
As you struggle to stay afloat, you
remember watching a Discovery Channel documentary on riptides while simultaneously giving a blowjob to your ex-boyfriend Marcus. This was near the end of your relationship with Marcus, at a time when you found virtually any subject more interesting than his measly four-inch cock. So you’d frequently turn on the TV during sex.
In the documentary, some really gorgeous marine biologist was describing the best strategy for escaping from a riptide—but you couldn’t hear his exact words, what with Marcus moaning and groaning so loudly.
Maybe the strategy was to swim parallel to the shore until you escaped the riptide’s forces. Or maybe the strategy was to dive down, toward the floor of the ocean, so you could swim under the riptide.
“What are you thinking?” Jose shouts. “We have to do something!”
* * *
If you dive down and swim under the riptide, turn to this page.
If you swim parallel to the shore, turn to this page.
When you enter the bathroom, both urinals are being used, so you open one of the stalls. The walls are covered in graffiti, with hundreds of phone numbers and a gallery of crude cartoons. As you stand there relieving yourself, you hear someone tap on the side of the stall.
