Prude
&
Prejudice
Francene Carroll
Prude & PrejudiceCopyright © 2012 Francene Carroll
All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of the copyright owner of this book. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.
Prude & Prejudice
by
Francene Carroll
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a woman with a name like Prudence Higginbottom must be in need of a good shagging. Prue had lived with the prejudices that accompanied such a name for the past twenty-six years, but it still irked her considerably when anyone made fun of her unfortunate title. It was the surest way to incur her permanent dislike, and all those who knew her well were careful to avoid making fun of her name, even in the most light-hearted manner.
The taunts had started very early on in life for Prue when her first teacher, in a misguided attempt to teach the class about rhyming, had asked each student to stand at the front of the room while the other students came up with words that rhymed with their names. Her classmates had been delighted to discover that Prue rhymed with poo, and when some infantile wit coined the nickname Poo Bottom, subsequently shortened to Poo Bum, her fate was sealed. Several years later, when poo had ceased to be such a hilarious topic, they settled on the far less offensive nickname Prune, and Prue had naively believed the worst of it was over. Then adolescence hit, and the word prude entered their vocabulary for the first time.
It seemed to her there was no other word in the English language so effective at keeping all males at an arms-length. At the age of fourteen things had gone from bad to worse for Prue when she was required to get braces and glasses in the span of a month. When her skin broke out shortly afterwards she could not prevent herself from lapsing into a deep depression, which led to comfort eating, which in turn led to a burgeoning weight problem. As the pounds piled on the taunts became crueller, and it was around this time that the boys came up with the name Prude Biggest Bottom, subsequently shorted to Fat Arsed Prude, which was to haunt her for the rest of her school days.
Needless to say, Prue did not reminisce fondly about her teenage years, but despite the indignities she endured over this time, she had managed to emerge relatively unscathed. At twenty-six she held a degree in Environmental Science and she was the co-owner of a café and catering business called Merry Times with her parents and three sisters in the town of Merryton where she had grown up. She also had her own cottage on five acres of land in the nearby village of Pemberely where she grew much of the fresh produce for the café. She had lost the excess weight that had made her teenage years so miserable, and with her red hair and green eyes, she was often complimented on her striking good looks. Even with these distinct advantages Prue had not been lucky in love. In fact, her track record with men was exceedingly poor, but it was something she tried not to dwell on. Between the café and the farm she was kept very busy, and if there was anything lacking in her life, she had little time to think about it.
It was a Tuesday afternoon on an otherwise unremarkable day that the Higginbottom family first learned of the imminent new arrivals in town. Prue was in the kitchen at Merry Times unpacking the dishwasher, while her father read the newspaper at the table and her sister Mary prepared some food at the bench. Alice and Cate, her other sisters, were in the café clearing up after the day’s trading when their mother came bustling into the kitchen with shining eyes and flushed cheeks. It was obvious she had some juicy gossip to impart, but as this was not an uncommon occurrence in their household, no one present took much notice of her.
“You are not going to believe what I just found out,” she announced, throwing her shopping down on the island bench dramatically.
“Please enlighten us before we all die of suspense,” replied Mr Higginbottom drily, not bothering to look up from his paper.
“Don’t you take that attitude with me, husband dear. This is a very big deal and you’ll agree when I tell you, but now I’ve a good mind to make you wait.” They all knew she was bluffing, there was no possibility that Adelaide Higginbottom could keep any kind of gossip to herself, no matter how trivial. Her daughters had all learned very early on not to share any secrets with her that they did not want broadcast to the entire family and beyond within hours.
“Come on, Mum, just tell us,” said Mary, who had almost as much appetite for gossip as her mother. By this time the other two girls had entered the kitchen and were looking at her expectantly.
“Alright,” she said, taking off her coat and draping it over the back of a chair before settling down. “Fix us a cup of tea will you, Prue.” She took a deep breath before commencing her story. “I was just at the butchers when Mrs Brown came in, and she said she had been talking to the vicar who had just been talking to Claire Johnstone, who had just been to a meeting with the town council and….”
“Can you please just get to the point,” interrupted Thomas Higginbottom. “We don’t have the rest of our lives to find out about this very important piece of information.”
“I’m getting there, don’t interrupt me. Now where was I? Yes, Mrs Brown. Apparently the council received an application last week to lease the old bank building, and they have just accepted it. A new business is moving into town, and you all know what that means for us. The staff will need lunches and they will also need someone to cater their functions and events. Business is bound to pick up. The good Lord has answered our prayers.”
Mr Higginbottom was sufficiently moved by this piece of information to take his eyes from the newspaper and turn them towards his wife’s face. “Have they leased the entire building or just one or two offices?” he asked.
“The entire building. They are relocating from London and bringing their whole staff of over sixty with them,” announced Mrs Higginbottom triumphantly. “Everyone in Merryton is simply over the moon.”
“What sort of business is it?”
“I don’t know, some sort of distribution company. Whatever you call that produce that Prue grows. They distribute it, that’s what Mrs Brown said. It doesn’t really matter. What matters is that they are bringing people and business to town. Goodness knows we can all use it.”
Prue’s ears pricked up at the mention of organic products as she poured milk in her mother’s tea. This was her area of expertise, and as she had talked her family into only using locally grown, organic foods in the cafe, this could be a big selling point for them.
“If they distribute organic foods that means they are much more likely to come us than go to Sweet Eats. This is fantastic news.” In her excitement she spilled her mother’s tea as she put it on the table in front of her.
“Why must you always be so clumsy, Prue? You are right about the orgasmic nonsense, though. Maybe your ideas aren’t as daft as we all thought they were.”
“It’s organic for the ten thousandth time, Mum, and it’s the way of the future. This just proves my point,” she retorted. “It’s not my fault if the economy nose-dived just after we changed the menu and advertising. Everyone has been having a hard time, not just us.”
“That’s why we must get in first and convince them to use our services. Harriet Cotter will be frothing at the mouth to get over there and persuade them to go to Sweet Eats. A couple of you girls must go around as soon as they get here and give them a nice Higginbottom welcome. We’ll give th
em a discount on any catering for the first three months and really lay it on with a shovel about how much we care for the environment. That should probably be your job, Prue, but you’ll have to wear some make-up and do something with your hair for a change instead of getting around in those overalls.”
“I only wear overalls when I’m on the farm, Mum, you know that.”
“Well, they are very unflattering at any time. You never know when a nice young man is going to come along, and he wouldn’t look twice at you dressed like that.”
“For god’s sakes Mum, we live in the twenty-first century. Women don’t have to spend their lives plotting to land a husband anymore, and for your information…..”
“I’ll go after school one day,” interrupted Mary. “I can pretend to care about the environment as easily as Prue, and there are sure to be some young guys on their staff who will need someone to show them around town.”
“I’ll go with you,” said Cate. “This is the best news I’ve heard in a long time.”
“Is that all you two care about, picking up men?” said Prue in mock disgust.
“Considering Cate’s already broken every male heart in this town, this must be a very exciting development for her indeed,” said Alice.
Cate stuck out her tongue at her older sister. “Just because you’re an old married woman now, you can’t stand seeing anyone else have fun.”
“Chances are they are probably all old married men too,” said Prue. “I wouldn’t get my hopes up too much if I were you.”
“Juliette Morris met the two directors when they came to view the building and she said they are young and good looking,” said Mrs Higginbottom, taking a sip of her tea.
“But are they single?” asked Cate.
“Well, she didn’t see any wedding rings on their fingers,” replied her mother.
“I think this calls for a celebration.” said Mary, reaching for a bottle of their best red wine from the rack behind her. “Who wants to join me?”
“I don’t think so, young lady,” said her father, reaching across and taking the bottle from her hand. “When you turn eighteen then you can celebrate as much as you like, but for now you’ll have to settle for a soft drink.”
“Spoil sport. This could be an important milestone in our lives.”
“If those poor men knew what they were in for, they would turn around and head for the hills,” he replied. “With you women plotting to win their business and their hearts, they don’t stand a chance.”
“You be quiet,” said Mrs Higginbottom. “you know nothing ever happens in this town. We’re entitled to get excited about something like this. We need the business, and if one of the girls catches the eye of a director, all the better. I only want what’s best for them, and if you were any kind of father, you would too.”
“Yes, dear, whatever you say,” he replied, returning to his paper. As the only male in a family of five women he had learned a long time ago to hold his tongue at times like this.
****
Five weeks later Prue and Cate pulled up outside the old bank building in the dilapidated van they used when they were catering for functions. It was loaded to the brim with trays of sandwiches and finger foods. They had not had much need of it lately while business was slow and it had taken several attempts to get it started.
“Maybe now we can finally afford a new van,” Prue said. “This thing is so embarrassing.” She glanced towards the building to see if they could get a park any closer to the door, and she was surprised to see how alive it looked with people bustling in and out of it. For several years the grand old building had sat empty and forlorn, and many had believed it would never be occupied again.
Prue and Cate had dropped their mother and sisters at the building a couple of hours earlier to set up for Organic Feasts first official function in Merryton. They had then gone back to the café to prepare more food and await their mother’s call. In addition to the staff, there were many guests attending from out of town, and it had turned into one of the biggest parties the family had catered. When Adelaide Higginbottom had phoned them twenty minutes earlier she had sounded beside herself with worry. It was very important to all of them that this function proceed smoothly as their future business with Organic Feasts was dependant on it, but Prue feared that her mother’s anxiety would get the better of her and cause her to say or do something they would all regret.
Ever since she had received the phone call from the director to cater the party their mother had been in a state of nervous anticipation. She had spent so much time planning the menu and fussing over the ingredients and recipes that one would have thought she was working for the royal family, and not a small organic products distributor. Despite her daughters’ unanimous protests she had insisted on buying them all new uniforms to mark the momentous occasion. The uniforms themselves were not too bad, but the shop had run out of small sizes, and as Prue had been the last to arrive at the café that day, she was forced to take a jacket three times too large.
“But I look like a sumo wrestler,” she had complained to her mother when she tried it on that morning. “Why can’t I just wear my normal clothes?”
“Nonsense, you look fine. Do you really think anyone is going to be concerned with your appearance on such an important day? Really, Prue, are so self-absorbed sometimes.”
“I’m not self-absorbed at all. I just feel ridiculous.”
“It will look much sillier if one of you is out of uniform. Be a team player for once.” She had relented because she knew there was no point arguing with her mother when she had set her mind on something, and they had too much work to do to stand around debating the issue. Inside she was still fuming as she struggled to get out of the van without catching her jacket on the door. It didn’t help matters that Cate’s uniform looked so cute on her petite frame.
“Why does Mum still insist on ordering us around like we’re children? I can’t believe I agreed to wear this.”
“The question is why do we still let Mum tell us what to do when we’re grown women?
Prue sighed. “Because Mum is Mum. You know it takes so much energy to disagree with her that we all just cave in. Sometimes I wonder if this family business is such a good idea. Mum will never take us seriously no matter how old we are.”
“You know if you were in business with someone else you’d be complaining about them instead. Nothing’s ever perfect, and we all went into this with our eyes wide open, knowing we would be dealing with Mum every single day. Quit your moaning, sister, and help me carry these trays upstairs.”
“Easy for you to say, you don’t look like the Goodyear Blimp. Believe me, I’ve already spent enough of my life feeling this way, and this is bringing back a lot of bad memories.”
Cate giggled. “I’m sorry, Prue, but I’m glad it’s you and not me because I would not want Charles Bradley to see me looking like that.”
“So today I finally get to meet the dashing Mr Bradley. I can hardly wait.” Mary and Cate had come back from their first meeting with the directors of Organic Feasts bubbling over with excitement at how good looking and charming both men were. Knowing her sisters had inherited their mother’s tendency towards exaggeration, Prue was doubtful that either man would live up to their flattering reviews, but she was very interested to see them for herself.
She could hear that the party was well underway as they made to the main function room. As soon as they stepped in the door, a tall attractive man looked over towards them, and breaking away from the person he was conversing with, he crossed the floor to greet them. Prue had to admit that he was almost as handsome as her sisters had described him.
“Hello, Cate, it’s great to see you again,” he said, giving her a flash of his gorgeous smile.
“You too, Mr Bradley. It looks like everything is going well here.”
“Please, call me Charles. Yes, the food is absolutely delicious. I’m glad you’ve arrived with more as it’s disappearing very quickly.” H
e turned his eyes on Prue.
“Oh, I’m sorry, Charles, this is my sister…,” Before Cate could finish the introduction their mother came flying across the room and launched herself into the middle of the conversation.
“Where on earth have you been, girls? We were beginning to get frantic. Mr Bradley, I see you’ve now met my daughter, Prudence. She’s an orgasmic farmer you know.” Prue had never wanted the ground to open up and swallow her quite as much as she did at that moment.
“It is organic farmer, Mother,” she said through gritted teeth. “Can I please talk to you for a moment over here?” She took her mother forcibly by the arm and pulled her away, trying not to notice that Mr Bradley was struggling to maintain his composure.
“What is wrong with you?” she whispered. “I thought I told you never, under any circumstances, to call me Prudence again, especially in public. And how many times do I have to tell you, it’s organic farming.”
“I don’t see why you’re so ashamed,” replied her mother loudly. “Prudence is a lovely name. It’s one of the four cardinal virtues. I only wish you’d displayed a little bit more of it in your decision making over the years, maybe then you wouldn’t still be single at your age. Why you won’t go out with that lovely Collins boy is beyond me.”
“Oh my god, this is hardly the time and place! Would you please keep your voice down, you are simply unbelievable. I’m going downstairs to get the food.”
It was only as she turned away from her mother that she noticed another man standing in close proximity to them. Like Mr Bradley he was exceptionally handsome, and she prayed he was not the other director, William Darling. From the expression on his face she could tell he had heard every word of their conversation and he was highly amused by it.
Prue was still burning with shame over the incident when she returned from the van with several heavy platters of food balanced precariously on her arms. As she looked around for a space to deposit them she noticed Charles Bradley and the other man conversing nearby. She tried to make herself inconspicuous, but it was too late because Mr Bradley spotted her.
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