by JoAnn Durgin
“Have you or your dad tried to find her, either on your own or hired anyone?”
“I haven’t, no, but Dad hired a private detective and kept him on retainer for a couple of years. Nothing ever turned up, obviously. Considering the guy’s currently in jail for fraud, I’m wondering if he ever tried. Probably took the money and made a couple of dead-end phone calls. I’ve done a little research on the Internet, but I haven’t been able to find anything and haven’t had the money to do more.” Serenity wiped under her eyes with the back of her hand, absorbing the last of her tears. “If Mama’s alive, she either doesn’t want to be found, or—”
“If you want, I can make a few phone calls, but I don’t want to overstep my boundaries.”
She glanced up in surprise. “Do you know a private detective?”
“I’ve hired one in the past. My brother Kyle is a lawyer and has access to a program that tracks down people. It might be the place to start. I guarantee they could at least find your mom’s last known address and then we can go from there.”
“What if it’s Croisette Shores?”
“Is that what you’re most afraid of?”
She held his gaze. “Maybe. I don’t know.”
“I won’t do anything until you say the word, but as soon as you do, I’ll make some calls.”
“Okay. Thanks. I appreciate your willingness to help me.” Reaching for his hand, she ran her thumb back and forth across it. “If you’re hoping to be my knight on the big white horse, riding in to save me, there’s really no need.”
“I’d like to pray with you, Serenity.”
She nodded, unable to speak. An unexpected warmth filled her, similar to what she experienced the night she’d invited Jesus into her life. That moment changed her life. This moment was changing her heart, especially with this wonderful man beside her. Bowing her head, Serenity focused on Jackson’s words and liked the feel of his hand, warm and protective, around hers.
“Father God, I ask You to give Serenity the kind of comfort only You can and that peace that passes all understanding, Let it fill her with a renewed sense of who You are. Draw her close so she might rediscover how much You love her and have always loved her. If it’s in Your will, please help her find the answers about the past and her mother so she can move forward. And if I may help her, please guide me as Your servant. I ask these things in the precious name of Your Son, Jesus. Amen.”
Jackson waited a few moments, not squeezing her hand, not nudging her to say anything. But the words wouldn’t come. At some point during his prayer, she’d leaned against his shoulder and he moved his arm to circle her shoulders.
“The words are stuck somewhere inside me,” she whispered. Wow. I’m a failure at saying a simple prayer.
“It’s okay,” he whispered back. “I’d rather you not say anything than say something because you think it’s what I want or expect. It’ll come in time, but it needs to come from the deepest part of you. God understands. Some people jump onto the Christianity bandwagon with feet first but then they falter after a while and revert back to their old ways. Slow and steady is always the best way to go, in a lot of things in life.”
Serenity sensed Jackson also meant in terms of their growing relationship, and again, it gave her comfort. If he pushed her too far, too fast, he knew she’d run away emotionally. By being her friend and confidant, Jackson was working his way into her heart. He’d proven himself an incredibly compassionate and loyal friend. Snuggling further into the curve of his arm, she released a deep sigh. It seemed as natural as breathing. They fit together so well. Much more than she ever had with Danny. Whoa.
“Jackson? Go ahead and ask your brother to see if he can find out anything.”
“I’ll make the call tonight.”
“If Mama’s alive,” she whispered against his shirt, closing her eyes, “I have an idea who might have sent that note to me.”
“Your mother?”
She nodded. “Exactly.”
~CHAPTER 19~
Serenity breathed in deeply of the ocean air and surveyed the same stretch of beach where Mama and Dad used to bring her. Dad would carry the picnic basket her mother had filled to the top with homemade sandwiches, fruit and juice. Never prepackaged stuff. Never potato chips or sodas. The thought made her smile. Closing her eyes, she lifted her face to the evening breeze.
She sensed Jackson’s presence before she opened her eyes. He sat beside her, arms clasped around his knees, quiet. His shoes were parked nearby and he’d changed into swim trunks and a tank. Even though he was subtle, she felt his admiring gaze on her one-piece, aqua-colored bathing suit and matching, colorful sarong. “Make it a habit to sneak up on women on the beach on a lazy Saturday evening, do you? I didn’t expect to see you until tomorrow morning.”
“Sorry, but I hope you’ll forgive the intrusion since I brought food.”
“No intrusion. I’m glad you’re here. How’d you find me?”
“Your dad, of course. Charlie’s with him, and he said I might find you here.”
“More like he ordered me to get some fresh air, but he also knows my habits pretty well. I should think you’d have something better to do on a Saturday night.”
“Look, if you’re talking about Hayley again—”
“I’m not,” she said. “I guess I thought you might be...reading a book or something.”
The breeze whipped his hair across his forehead and he smiled. “The truth? Your dad asked me to make sure you’re okay. The food was strictly my idea.”
“You’ve already gone above and beyond the call of duty the last couple of days.” She absently traced a circle in the sand with one finger. When she finished, Jackson drew a heart inside her circle. Serenity momentarily lost the ability to breathe. She avoided his gaze and focused on the surf. Inhaling a deep breath, she drew the ocean air into her lungs and released it before speaking.
“I used to come here a lot when I was a kid. It was always my refuge, my escape. When I’m not around the ocean, I miss it. It’s part of me.” She shot him a sheepish glance. “I even bought one of those ocean CDs when I lived in Atlanta. Hearing the sound of the waves soothed me and helped me sleep better.”
“Tell me more about when you came here as a child.”
“Yes, doctor,” she said, tossing him an amused glance. “We’d bring a picnic basket. Mama would read while Daddy and I made a sand castle.” She angled her head to where a young family played in the sand. “I had a pink plastic sand pail like the one the little girl over there is using. It had this bright yellow shovel and a lime green sand sifter. Dad was so healthy back then and carefree. We all were. He’d take my hand, help me over the wall of the sand castle and then twirl me around inside, beneath his arm. Then he’d say, ‘Dance, Princess Serenity, dance. This is your kingdom, and may all of God’s riches be added unto you.’ It was...”—she blew out a breath—“magical.” She closed her eyes again, blocking out the sadness. “There were times when I almost believed I was a princess.”
“Because he made you feel like one. You were his world.” Jackson couldn’t know how precious it was to have him beside her. “Speaking of food on the beach,” he said, “are you ready to eat?” When she nodded, he dragged the small cooler across the sand. Opening the lid, he handed her a bag of sandwiches. “Hope you don’t mind simple.”
“Best way to go.” They shared a grin as she selected a ham and Swiss on rye and he took a roast beef. “Did you make these?” Unwrapping one, she lifted a brow. “Brown mustard? Pretty fancy. Looks great. I’m impressed.”
“Welcome, and yes, I made them. I eat a lot of sandwiches, so I had all this stuff on hand.” He handed her an apple and pulled out a bag of chips for himself. “So, tell me more about the French royals who founded our town,” he said after he’d asked a blessing.
She was surprised how quickly it all came back to her considering she’d been in third grade when she’d learned the history. Maybe because it was important, it’d all s
tuck in her brain during the ensuing years. The stories were fun, and Jackson seemed to enjoy hearing them. He laughed often and asked a question here and there.
“This is nice,” he said after he finished his second sandwich while she finished her apple. “Okay, time to get a little more serious. I have a question I’m hoping you’ll want to answer.”
Her pulse tripled. “After that statement, I’m not quite sure.”
“Will you tell me about Danny?”
Serenity’s heart thudded to a stop. Clearing her throat, she twisted her fingers on her lap. She’d been careful not to ever mention Danny to Jackson. Or Liam. So far, the tragedies of her life had only concerned her mother. “What exactly do you want to know?”
“I was hoping you’d feel comfortable enough to tell me about him.” When she met his gaze briefly, Jackson’s expression revealed compassion yet something deeper. Intimate almost. Falling for her would be one of the worst things Jackson could ever do.
“It seems you’ve done pretty well getting information about me,” she said, her tone brusque as she dusted crumbs from her lap. “Ask your sources. I’m sure there are several people in this town who’d be more than happy to fill you in on the details of my life.” Serenity hated the sarcasm that snuck into her tone but couldn’t seem to stop it.
“Your dad mentioned Danny sometime during the night at the hospital, but he was a little incoherent at the time, so don’t blame him. I suspected you’d been married before, but I’d much rather hear about Danny from you. Just so you’ll know, I haven’t asked anyone, and no one’s volunteered any information. I care about you. I think you know that.” His voice was low, soothing, gentle. “However, if you’re not ready to talk about him, that’s okay. Whatever you want. I’m not going anywhere.”
Serenity stared straight ahead at the gentle waves lapping on the beach. “It’s not something I freely tell people, Jackson. Don’t feel special.”
“I know one thing. You’re hurting. It’s in your eyes and the tautness around your mouth sometimes.”
“Thanks for the roundup,” she said, realizing how snippy she sounded. “I must look like I’m fifty years old.”
“Not at all. I love it when you’re relaxed, though. I’ve seen that side of you, and it makes me happy to see you laugh like you don’t have a care in the world even though I know you do.” Leaning close, he nudged her shoulder. “Hands down, without a doubt, you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known, inside and out.”
How was that even possible? A man like Jackson must have known a number of women in his life. Good women. Women without an unsavory past. As much as she wanted to believe he truly meant his words, she couldn’t. “You’re a very special man,” she said. “While I appreciate your compliment, any woman would be blessed to have you in her life. You should go find one of them instead of trying to make nice with me.”
“Stop making disparaging comments about yourself.” His voice was forceful, stronger than she’d ever heard it. “It’s self-defeating.” She moved her eyes back to his. “I’ll tell you something else.”
“What’s that?” She swallowed hard.
“You’re not only beautiful, but you’re kind and generous. A loving daughter and a terrific friend. Everyone has stuff in their past—skeletons in their closet—they regret. It’s part of being human. That’s why the only Man who was ever perfect was Jesus.”
She nodded, but couldn’t speak.
“Repeat after me, ‘I will not disparage.’”
Clearing her throat, Serenity dug deep and found her voice. “I will not disparage.”
“Promise?”
“Yes, I promise, Doc Jack.”
“Want to know what I see when I look at you, Serenity?”
The man would not be easily deterred. She blew out a breath but it didn’t slow her heart rate any, not that she thought it would. “Go ahead. Tell me.”
“I see a woman who’s much stronger than she knows. Sure, I’ve seen how sweet and caring you can be, but whatever’s hurt you in the past has made you vulnerable. You cover it up with sarcasm to keep others at a safe distance. You’ve built this invisible shield around you, not allowing anyone too close for fear they’ll actually penetrate that wall. Heaven forbid you might actually start to care about someone else.”
Tears stung her eyes, but she refused to give into the overwhelming emotion. “You don’t know anything about it.”
“That’s why I’m here. I want to help, if you’ll let me.”
“I’m not one of your patients, so please don’t treat me like one.”
“I know that,” he said. “But you’re my friend, first and foremost. And friends help their friends. It’s pretty obvious you’ve got an iceberg on your shoulder large enough to sink the Titanic.”
“Not very original, Jackson.”
“Sorry,” he said with a shrug. “It’s the best I’ve got right now.” He rubbed his fingers across his chin in what was becoming a familiar gesture when his thinking mode kicked into high gear. In spite of her resolve, it endeared him to her even more. “When that iceberg thaws, it’s a beautiful thing. Look, I’ll take whatever you’re willing to give me, but it’s difficult when you shut me out. Whether or not you mean to do it, you do. I hope knowing I’m here gives you some kind of comfort. And, for the record, it has nothing to do with my profession.” Was it possible he really didn’t know her story? Surely someone would have told him. Warn him was more like it.
Serenity’s lips formed a firm line and neither one said a word for at least a minute. “What do you want to know?” Those deep pools of chocolate brown in Jackson’s eyes probed deep, finding a cavern buried so deep beneath the surface she thought no one would ever find it again. Psychologist or not, he saw the person inside her and not merely the often flippant exterior. And yet he still chose to sit beside her and be her friend.
“I’m asking you to tell me what you don’t want me to know,” he said. “No sarcasm, no avoidance. Get it out and then we’ll deal with it. Together.”
She averted her gaze, staring straight ahead again but seeing nothing. “Danny could have been so much,” she said finally. “He was handsome and athletic, but he had a bad boy streak. Every girl wanted him, but for some reason, he chose me.”
When Jackson reached for her hand, lacing his fingers through hers, she didn’t resist. His touch was warm and she welcomed it.
“Did you love him?”
“Yes, of course, I did.” She dared to meet his gaze. “But how many of us know what we want at nineteen? Danny was my first love, my first and only...everything.” She cleared her throat. Might as well tell him and then this wonderful Christian man could run for the hills when he learned the truth. “I was pregnant, and Danny did the honorable thing. As it was, we waited until after high school. He was twenty-one and I was twenty. We were married, and five months later, our son, Liam, was born. You know what they say about the apple not falling far from the tree? In some ways, we were like Mama and Dad all over again although I’d known Danny since we were kids. Not that I’m blaming my parents for anything.” She shrugged. “It’s just what it was.”
Talking about Danny wasn’t as difficult as she’d imagined, a surprising relief in some ways and a soothing balm for the weariness she felt in her bones. Sometimes she couldn’t believe how old she felt, emotionally and physically. She hadn’t told anyone about Danny in a long time and certainly no one to whom she felt as drawn to as she did to Jackson.
Keeping his hand in hers, Jackson shifted position, turning toward her. “You have a son?” No condemnation, no judgment surfaced in his voice, only curiosity. By his tone, Serenity could tell he was surprised by that revelation. Why no one had told him any of this information, she couldn’t begin to comprehend. But Jackson was right. It was best she was the one to tell him so he could hear the truth straight from her.
“I did.” A tear escaped and coursed down her cheek. Easing her hand away from his, she wiped away the tear.
“He died not long after his birth.” When Jackson opened his arms, Serenity didn’t hesitate to move into his chest. He held her as she cried, burying into him, taking comfort in his warmth and the shelter of his embrace. She’d never told anyone outside of Croisette Shores about Liam. And it’d been a long time, even in private, since she’d cried like her heart was being ripped from her chest all over again.
“I’m so sorry, baby,” he murmured, stroking her hair. “I had no idea.” She felt the increased rhythm of his heart. Sure and so strong.
Serenity didn’t know how long they sat together, wrapped in one another’s arms. When the tears finally subsided, she turned aside and fumbled in her purse for a tissue before accepting the paper napkin Jackson handed her. “Thanks.” Taking in a big gulp of air, she almost choked. “That’s not all.”
Jackson waited as she gathered her thoughts and tried to regain her composure. “Before Liam was born, Danny was killed.” Hearing his sharp intake of breath and murmur of sympathy, she continued, afraid to stop, afraid not to stop. “He was working alone at a convenience store and some guys came in, probably wanting money. And they, um...” Her voice trailed and she squeezed her eyes tight, willing the tears to stop. “I got concerned because it was almost midnight and he wasn’t home yet. I called my dad, and he went to the store.”
“Your dad was the one who found him?”
“Right, and then when Liam died a few months later, it was only a couple of days later that my mom...well, she was gone. Never to be heard from again.”
Jackson gathered her close again and leaned his chin on the top of her head. She clung to him, moving her hands around his waist. He couldn’t take away the hurt and pain of the past, but he was here, cared about her and wanted to help her. The man must be a glutton for punishment.
“Serenity, it’s hard to know what to say,” Jackson said, pulling away and tipping her chin so she’d look at him. “Losing people you care about is never easy, but you’ve had more than enough to handle. And then some. Wow. Words are woefully inadequate in a situation like this.”
