by Kasie West
I scanned the crowd to see if Alana had joined it. It was hard to find anyone in the mass of people but off to the right, there stood Diego. He gave me a smile and a nod when I met his eyes. Alana and Frank weren’t with him.
“The format of tonight will be similar to our studio-recorded podcasts,” Victoria was saying. “We’ll take questions and I’ll do my best to answer them while Kat does her best to stay awake.”
“Funny,” I said.
“We won’t have time for a lot of questions but we’ll get to as many as we can. So who’s going to kick this off?” Victoria asked the crowd, which suddenly became very quiet.
Uh-oh.
“Just because we’re live doesn’t mean we don’t have editing powers. All this silence will be edited out on Monday so it will seem like we are the most engaging hosts ever,” Victoria said. People laughed at that.
We waited for another couple beats, scanning the group.
“Okay, guess everyone is chicken tonight,” Victoria said. “Let’s go with our anons.” She dug her hand into the box and pulled out a folded index card. She handed it to me. “Kat is a much better reader than I am.”
“This is true,” I said, and unfolded the card. “ ‘Victoria and Kat, I broke up with my boyfriend last month. We had just grown apart. I thought it was a nice breakup. There was no name-calling or nastiness. But then he started spreading lies about me all over school and even on social media. What am I supposed to do?’ ”
“Ouch,” Victoria said. “Not cool.”
“Have you tried talking to him?” I asked the crowd, putting the card down.
“Kat thinks nearly every problem can be solved by just talking.”
“I think ninety-nine percent of misunderstandings are caused by miscommunication,” I said, which made me think of Alana and Frank and Diego.
“Well,” Victoria said. “Yes, you should confront your ex about this. But for the sake of argument, let’s assume he’s doing this to be vindictive, Kat. What then?”
“Yeah, then: Ouch.”
Victoria laughed. “I would dispute whatever claims he’s making on my own social media and then move along. If you obsess about it, it will just draw more attention to it. People have short attention spans. They’ll forget.”
I glanced over at my parents. My mom was smiling and my dad had his intense I’m-really-paying-attention look on. That seemed good.
I reached to grab another index card from the box when Victoria said, “Looks like we have a question from the audience.”
“Oh, nice.”
Liza’s friend Chloe was making her way to the microphone. When she got there, she said, “I have a fear. A big one. I can’t seem to get past it. Kat, when you first started the podcast, you were afraid to do it. How did you overcome the fear?”
“I’m still afraid,” I said.
Victoria gave me a playful push. “She practiced, she faced it. That’s how. What’s your fear?”
“I’d rather not say,” Chloe said.
“You’re never going to get over it if you can’t own it,” Victoria said.
Just then, my eyes found Diego’s. He had a small smile on his face and he gave me an encouraging nod. One that said, You’re playing your role well but you’re not actually saying anything. Okay, I was reading into that nod. I was projecting. But I knew I’d reverted to my early podcast habits. I turned back to Chloe and cleared my throat.
“Have you ever heard the saying that courage isn’t the absence of fear but the ability to move forward despite the fear?” I asked.
She nodded.
“You don’t necessarily get over fear,” I went on, “but you can succeed even if it’s trying to hold you back. And Victoria’s right, things do get easier the more you face them.”
Chloe wrung her hands together and then said, “Thank you.”
A lanky boy was waiting behind Chloe at the mic. When she stepped away, he came forward and said, “Kat, I hear you live in Lakesprings. What’s the best thing to do at the lake?”
I laughed. I’d wanted to do a whole podcast on that question alone. “Um … everything?” I said.
“Kat is biased,” Victoria said. “She would never leave the lake if she didn’t have to.”
I almost agreed, but then I stopped. “Actually, even though I love the lake and it’s my favorite place ever, I wouldn’t mind testing that preference by traveling a bit.” This time I couldn’t meet Diego’s eyes. He’d know I said that because of him. I did say that because of him. He was making me see that maybe there were other things to explore before making permanent decisions.
“I’m with you on that,” Victoria said.
“No, but really, there’s lots to do at the lake,” I said, focusing on the boy. “You can’t go wrong. I’m into motorized toys, but if you can’t swing those, then grab a couple inner tubes and an ice chest. There’s picnic areas all over and an afternoon of floating is the best.”
“Thanks.”
The audience microphone was empty again, so Victoria fished out another card from the box and handed it to me.
“ ‘Katoria,’ ” I read aloud.
“They mashed up our names?” Victoria asked.
“Yes, they did.”
“I love this person already.”
I continued reading. “ ‘I want to ask a guy out but my best friend likes him. I don’t think he likes her back. In fact, there have been several hints that he actually likes me. I don’t want to lose my friendship over this, but I really, really like him. What should I do?’ ” My heart seemed to leap to my throat, making it hard to breathe. Thankfully, Victoria jumped in.
“If you know the feelings aren’t reciprocated, I say, why should two people suffer? Your friend should be happy to see you happy. The key is honesty. Talking, right, Kat? Tell your best friend how you feel. Get her blessing.”
“I don’t know,” I said, my throat tight. “This situation is a little trickier.”
“How so? You mean your talking advice wouldn’t work here?”
I shifted in my seat. “Maybe. It just depends how willing you are to risk a friendship. Because something like this can be a friendship-ender. I have a cousin who’s way too young for a certain guy that she has a crush on. And he’s cute. But even so, as far as I’m concerned, he is off-limits for me. I won’t go after a loved one’s guy no matter how cute he is. Friendship and family are more important.”
There was a loud noise—a gasp—in the audience and my eyes found Liza’s. Her mouth was open in indignation, and it took me two beats to realize what I’d just done. What I’d just said.
Crap. I’d just outed Liza in front of half the school.
“I’m sorry,” I said, my palms sweating, looking at Liza. “We’ll edit that out. I didn’t mean to say that.”
“What happened?” Victoria asked.
The audience seemed to sense I had made a grave error and had become deathly silent. So silent that when Liza shouted out, her words rang out crystal clear over the crowd.
“Why didn’t you use your own life as an example, Kat?” My cousin’s face was splotchy with emotion. “Your best friend likes the guy you like and so you’re not pursuing it. You could’ve just said that.”
My heart seized up. How did Liza know? Was I that transparent? Had she guessed? Had Diego guessed? Had Alana guessed? I scanned the crowd again for Alana but I couldn’t see her anywhere. I purposefully avoided looking anywhere near Diego.
Liza continued, “Instead you have to throw your cousin under the bus with a story that’s not even true?”
“It’s not?” I asked, and then wanted to slap myself. That wasn’t the point. “I’m sorry,” I said again. “It just slipped out. I shouldn’t have said that.”
“It’s just second nature at this point, right?” Liza snapped. “You exploit the people in your life for the benefit of the podcast. Just ask Mr. Looking for Love.”
Liza whipped her head over to Diego and so did I. I shouldn’t have
looked at him. But it was too late. His gaze went between Liza and me. Then he turned quickly and walked away, sidestepping people and then the outer rope before he disappeared into the carnival.
I closed my eyes and took a calming breath because otherwise I was going to cry. When I opened my eyes, I saw that Liza, who I was sure had done that to get even with me, looked like she regretted the choice. But she huffed, turned on her heel, and stomped away, too.
“Well, that was dramatic,” Victoria said.
There was rustling and whispering in the audience. I stayed in my seat because we were in the middle of a podcast and if I went running after Liza or Diego, that would just add to the drama. I didn’t need the whole school in on this any more than they already were.
“Is there something you’d like to share, Kat?” Victoria asked me.
“Not really,” I said. That’s when I remembered my parents were in the audience. My mom looked worried. My dad was confused. Great.
Victoria answered one more question from the box. I didn’t even hear what she said because my ears were ringing and my eyes hurt. Then, thankfully, Victoria said, “That’s all the time we have for tonight, folks. We’ll talk to you all again at our regularly scheduled time. Good night, Oak Court!” She depressed the RECORD button.
I immediately jumped to my feet. “I have to—”
“Go,” Victoria said, holding her hand out for my headphones. I handed them to her and took off.
Diego and Liza were standing together when I found them just outside the carnival in the parking lot. I had no idea what she was saying to him but it couldn’t be good. I skidded to a halt as I reached them.
“I’m sorry,” I said again. To both of them this time.
“My friends are going to think I’m delusional,” Liza told me, her cheeks bright red. “Tommy is in college! I’m a freshman in high school. I’m not an idiot. Sure, I think he’s cute, but I do not, in fact, like him. I like someone else, actually, and if you weren’t so wrapped up in your own life and fame then maybe you’d know that.”
My face burned, too. “Tommy won’t know. I’ll edit it out.”
She let out one single, ironic laugh. “People will talk. The whole school was there.”
“They won’t realize I was talking about you!” I protested.
“Even if I hadn’t reacted, which I obviously did, everyone knows we’re cousins. You used the word cousin. He will find out. Thanks a lot.”
A loud shout sounded in a darker corner of the parking lot. I squinted to see a group of guys standing there surrounding one in the middle. Was there about to be a fight?
Liza let out a long sigh and said, “I can’t do this right now.” She marched away, leaving Diego and me alone.
We stood there for several long moments. I wasn’t sure what to say. I’d screwed up. He was obviously mad.
“You knew Looking for Love was me? All this time?” Diego asked. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I honestly don’t know. By the time I thought to, it felt too late.”
“So you sat around, what? Mocking me after every show. Laughing at the things I shared.”
“No!”
“You kept dragging out the advice, getting me to call back in, when you could’ve told me exactly what I needed to hear the first day.” With that, he turned and left, not giving me a chance to explain that I didn’t know it was him at first. But he was right. If I had told him as soon as I discovered his identity that Alana liked him, he would have never had to call back. I wanted to chase after him, beg him to understand.
But as he walked away, I saw something that made my heart stop: the guy in the middle of the group about to fight in the parking lot had turned around, so his face was now visible. It was Max.
Instead of running after Diego, I ran toward the group of guys just in time to see Max shoved to the ground.
“Stop!” I called. “What are you doing?”
My brother picked himself up and wiped his nose with the backside of his wrist. Was he bleeding? Crying?
The boys in the circle laughed. They were bigger than my brother, and seemed older than him. I recognized one boy from the dunk tank line the other day.
“Are you proud of yourselves?” I asked them, my fury growing. “Oh, look at you, so tough that five of you can pick on one person.”
“Who’s this?” one of the boys asked Max. “Your little nerd girlfriend?”
I narrowed my eyes and faced the one who had spoken. He had a smirk on his face and he nodded at me like this was all a big game to him. “You did not just say that,” I said.
“What are you going to do about it?” he asked, his smirk turning to a scowl. He took a step toward me. I had been running on instinct until then. But now, quite suddenly, I realized we were very outnumbered.
“Don’t touch my sister,” Max said.
“Oh, your sister? I should’ve guessed she was the only girl you knew.” The guy shoved my shoulder.
I stumbled back, then took a step forward to knee him where he’d feel it, but Max beat me to it. Max punched the guy in the face, and he fell to the ground. My mouth dropped open. The other boys in the group shouted and all converged on Max at once.
I grabbed Max’s arm and pulled him to retreat when I heard a loud, deep voice call out from behind us, “Get off of them!”
I turned to see Alana and Frank running our way. Frank flung one of the guys to the ground and turned to take care of another. The group scattered, realizing it was now a more even match.
“You mess with my friends, you mess with us!” Alana called after the boys as they ran away.
“You okay?” Frank asked me.
“I’m fine.” I wasn’t worried about me. I pulled Max in front of me. He was taller than me by a couple inches now so I had to look up at him to study his face. “Did they hurt you?”
He shook out of my hold. “I’m fine, Kate.”
The range of emotions I’d experienced in the last ten minutes were catching up with me, creating a jittery mania inside my chest. “What were you thinking confronting five guys by yourself?” I demanded.
“I didn’t confront. They approached me. I was just trying to show confidence so they’d leave me alone.”
His words shook something loose in my brain. Show confidence. “You wrote the email, didn’t you?” How had I not realized that before now? That email had totally sounded like Max. Liza was right; I had been too caught up in my own issues to notice things. I was so concerned about proving a point to my parents, to my friends, that I’d lost sight of everything else. My brother was getting bullied and I had no idea. “I’m sorry, Max. I’m so sorry,” I said softly.
“Can you just take me home?” he asked, his eyes downcast.
“Where is Martinez?” Frank asked.
“He took off,” I replied, my stomach clenching. “He found out that we knew it was him calling in to the podcast.”
Alana’s mouth dropped open. “And you didn’t fix it?”
“I tried. I couldn’t.”
“So was the other thing Liza said to half the school true, too?” Alana asked me. “Are you in love with your best friend’s guy?”
She had been there listening to the podcast after all. I didn’t know what to say. My silence spoke volumes.
For the fourth time that night, I watched as someone I cared about turned away and left me behind.
I hitched a ride home with my parents since the way I’d gotten to the carnival (Frank’s Beemer) was no longer an option. After my best friend had walked away from me, Frank had followed her and they’d driven off together in his car. Apparently Frank was mad at me, too. Or maybe not mad at me, but more invested in Alana.
I looked over at Max, who shared the back seat with me. He needed to tell my parents what had just happened.
Later, he mouthed.
I’d give him one day. I was done keeping quiet about this. That didn’t help before.
My mom twisted in her seat to look b
ack at me. “What happened with Liza?” she asked.
“I’ll fix it.”
She nodded slowly. “That Victoria is charming.”
Was that her subtle way of saying that I wasn’t? “Yes, she’s good.”
“You were good, too, baby,” Dad said.
“Thanks,” I mumbled.
Back at home, Mom followed me to my room, then hovered by the doorway when I went inside.
“I’m fine, Mom,” I said, not sure what else she wanted to say but knowing I didn’t want to talk about it tonight.
“You seemed miserable up there,” she said.
“Up where?”
“Behind that microphone.”
“I did?”
“Yes. Honey, if this class is killing you, you need to talk to Ms. Lyon about it. I can talk to her if you want. Maybe you can transfer out. Take something else as your elective. Take a business class or something that will help you run the marina one day.”
I collapsed onto my bed. “No, Mom. It was fine until the whole Liza slipup. Normally I can make mistakes like that and not worry that they’ll be damaging.”
She gave a sympathetic hum. “I know I’ve been pushing you to try new things.” Pity laced her voice. “I’m sorry if you feel like you had to do this for me.”
“I didn’t … I don’t. I’m tired. I just want to sleep.”
“Okay.” She ran a hand down my cheek. “Let me know if you want me to talk to Ms. Lyon.”
I nodded and she left. So much for proving a point.
Saturday morning, I lay in bed, feeling like someone had smashed me in the face with a hammer. My head pounded, my eyes hurt, my insides were in knots. I had stayed up most of the night thinking, trying to figure out a solution to everything, but I still had no answers. I’d spent the last month and a half doling out advice, and I had no idea what to do about the mess my life had suddenly become.
I rolled over with a groan and stared at my phone sitting there unassumingly on my nightstand. I held my breath and picked it up. No new messages. I sent off two texts of my own—apologies to Alana and Liza—then wondered why I had never gotten Diego’s cell phone number. Probably because Alana liked him. I couldn’t very well ask Alana for it now. I dropped my phone back down and rubbed my hands over my face.
