by Ramy Vance
“We are taking—”
“No, I mean us. The Mundanes. Chip and Diana. We could bring the fight to them. We don’t have to wait for the military or for MERCs. We could lead them.”
“What are you trying to say, Beth?”
“Suzy, I saw you out there at that battle. I saw what you can fucking do. You could lead an army. We don’t need a bunch of MERCs waiting around to fight the battles they want. And we don’t need that bureaucratic military bullshit. We need people to take the fight to the Dark One. I think that’s us. Time is being wasted. If no one else is going to step up and fucking end this, we have to.”
“Myrddin is—”
“Myrddin has been taking over 5,000 years to deal with this. Now we’re here.”
Suzuki looked deep into Beth’s eyes. She had that look he had fallen in love with, the one where she looked like she was capable of anything. He would follow her into any battle. He knew that better than he had ever known anything his entire life. “I love you,” Suzuki said.
Beth laughed and whipped the little bit of hair she had out of her face. “Fuck off, nerd. I love you too, Suzy.”
Beth leaned forward and kissed Suzuki. He could taste the love on her lips, could see it in her eyes as she pulled away and smiled at him. “Are you tired?” Beth asked.
“Not anymore.”
“Good. You wanna try something new?”
“What kind of new?”
“Get your book?”
Suzuki looked down at the rune book in his lap. “You wanna try Nordic runes?” Suzuki asked.
“No, Suzy. The other book.”
Suzuki suddenly remembered. Back when the Mundanes were still hunting down Beth, Suzuki had come across an elvish novelty book. The book itself was blank, but it had been enchanted so that if you opened the pages, it would tell you a story you wanted to hear. It didn’t matter what it was. And the book had a habit of being able to pry the most sensitive and embarrassing information out of you. Suzuki had mostly been using it to dream up different battle tactics, to imagine situations in combat he had never thought of before.
But that was only how he had spent some of his time before he and Beth started dating. There were lots of other things the book was able to illustrate for Suzuki. He hardly missed the internet since he had gotten the book.
Suzuki scrolled through his inventory until he found it. He hoped he had made sure to close it since the last time he had used it. Or cleaned it. It was much more important that he had cleaned it.
The book materialized in Suzuki’s lap. He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw the pages were closed and there weren’t any unexpected fluids or stains. “You mean this one,” he said, tossing it to Beth.
Beth caught the book and flipped it open. “Stop being cute. Of course, I meant this one,” she said. “You think I want to read old world history with you?”
“Well, you could have wanted a runic tattoo.”
Beth continued flipping through the pages, grinning to herself. “Suzy, this thing is fucking raunchy,” she exclaimed. “I can’t believe you been walking around with your own literary porn site in your bag.”
“Honestly, it’s been a lifesaver. I mean…uh…”
Beth scooted closer to Suzuki and placed the book in between them, resting on both of their laps. “What do you mean, it was a lifesaver?” Beth asked.
Suzuki blushed and looked away until Beth took his chin in between her fingers. “You wanna show me what you jerk off to?”
“Seriously?”
“Why the fuck not? I used to wank off to pictures of you all the time.”
Suzuki couldn’t believe what he had just heard. Pictures of him? Any anxiety he had had instantly left him. “Are you serious?” he asked.
“Oh yeah, all the time. I mean, not all the time. I had to do stuff like patrols or eating. But anytime the barracks were closed, you know, I had all those screenshots from VR.”
“Wait, you used to jerk off to my VR avatar?”
Beth giggled and clasped her hand over her mouth before turning red. “I didn’t have any real pictures of you,” she admitted. “And we only ever met once in person. And all the videos you sent always had Stew or Sandy walking in and being obnoxious and shit. So, yeah. I used to cum imagining your super scrawny paladin with that god-awful color –that puke green sash you used to wear. Ugh. I can’t believe I’m talking to you about this.”
Suzuki kissed Beth, holding her as close as he could until the edges of the book started to dig into his skin. When he pulled away, he took a deep breath and prepared himself. “I used to jack off to you too,” Suzuki breathed, feeling like a weight had lifted.
“Uh, yeah, I know. Sandy totally walked in on you once and told me.”
“Oh. Well, that’s…goddamn it.”
“She said you were looking at this book, and I was in it, you know, getting weird. So, I wanted to check it out with you. Kinda like watching porn together? And we could get some ideas. Some weird ideas.”
Suzuki grabbed the book and scooted closer to Beth so they were sitting side by side. “I’ve never looked at this with anyone before,” Suzuki said. “I don’t know how it works. But, I mean, I’m down to try it.”
“Yeah, I think it’ll be fun. You know, I feel like this is something we could really enjoy. Together.”
Beth was grinning, running her fingers over the blanket. Suzuki thought she looked like she was swelling. Not growing larger but taking up more space, like the tent was filling up with her, whatever she was. “You want to?” Beth asked.
Suzuki closed the book, grabbed Beth’s hand, and placed it on top of the book. “Yeah,” he exclaimed. “Let’s open it together.”
The two held hands and opened the book together, longingly staring into each other’s eyes for a few moments before looking down at the blank pages.
At first, there was nothing. Then a swirl of color, black and tans mixing together into a medley of contrast and hues. Suzuki heard a voice in the back of his head and wondered what it was Beth heard as the colors on the page took on starker tones, the blacks becoming deep and the tans becoming more sand-like. A scene painted itself. First the blackness of space, followed by an explosion of stars, of planets that were foreign yet somehow familiar. Suzuki couldn’t tell where he had seen these planets, but he knew them deep down in his core. Almost as if he had been there before.
The planets rushed up at the pages, and Beth tightened her grip around Suzuki’s hand as they both stared down. Now the book was zooming through space, the stars blurring in a tunnel vision of whiteness until suddenly, it stopped. The pages were an inky black depiction of space, a moonlike structure floating in the void.
Suzuki gasped as he grasped his chest. “Are you fucking serious?” he murmured.
At his side, Beth was smiling widely, almost mischievously as she leaned over the book. She flipped the page.
The illustrated version of Beth was wearing a golden bikini with a tannish brown rim. It was the spitting image of the bikini worn by Princess Leia. She was gripping her throat. Standing across from her was Suzuki dressed as Darth Vader without a helmet. His skin was pasty and looked to have been severely burned as he stretched out his hand, force choking Beth.
Beth sighed heavily as she leaned back and looked at Suzuki. “That is so fucking hot…you wanna try it?”
Suzuki raised his eyebrow. “You mean roleplay Princess Leia and Darth Vader? You do realize Princess Leia is Darth Vader’s daughter, right.”
“Yes, of course, I know, Suzy. But that’s in the story. You aren’t my daddy. Or are you?” She gave him a wicked smile.
Suzuki shifted uncomfortably.
Beth rolled her eyes before scooting closer to Suzuki. “Come on, we can just put the whole incest theme on the backburner. I think it’d be fun.”
“Where are we going to get the costumes?”
“Already on it.”
Beth ducked out of the tent, leaving Suzuki alone. He looked down
at the pages of the book. Beth did look really good in that bikini. A little odd that when she fantasized about him as Darth Vader, it was without the helmet. Suzuki thought the helmet was the coolest part.
It was only a couple of minutes before Beth poked her head back into the tent. “Come outside,” she whispered.
Suzuki did as he was told and stepped outside. Sandy was there, wearing her pajamas and yawning loudly. She pointed her wand at Suzuki, waved it, and then rubbed her eyes. “All right,” Sandy said to Beth. “You guys should be good. All the details tomorrow, okay.”
Beth gave Sandy a high five and hug and said, “You got it,” before rushing over to Suzuki and dragging him back into the tent. “All right, Sandy said all we have to do is close our eyes and concentrate on how we want to look. She called it glamour or something.”
Suzuki nodded to show he understood the instructions. Then a question popped into his head. “Wait, do you want me to wear the helmet or not?” he asked.
Beth laughed as she squirmed with anticipation. “No helmet. And not old man Vader but fresh, juicy Anakin burns, okay?”
“Gotcha.”
Suzuki closed his eyes and concentrated as hard as he could. It didn’t take much. He had memorized Vader’s armor since he was a child. Even though he wasn’t sure about looking like he’d been in a makeup chair for six hours, he was glad he wasn’t going to have to listen to a breathing apparatus all night.
Slowly, Suzuki opened his eyes. There Beth was in all her nerdy, hot glory. She smiled bashfully as she let the transparent silk robe she was wearing open, showing her bikini. Suzuki wasn’t sure what he was more turned on by, seeing Beth dressed as Leia or how obviously into this she was.
Beth raised her hand and a chain materialized over her neck. She handed it to Suzuki before getting down on her hands and knees. “How are you going to stop the rebellion, Lord Vader? Are you going to force-choke me, Daddy?” she cooed.
Suzuki raised his hand in the iconic choking gesture. “I grow tired of your insolence, Princess! Where are the plans to the Death Star,” he growled.
Beth ran her hands down her bikini bottom as she smiled and whispered, “Lord Vader, I’ve hidden them. You’re going to have to search for them. Thoroughly.”
Someone coughed in the room. “Well, this is extremely awkward.”
Suzuki turned around, calling his axe to him without even thinking. What he saw was enough to make him forget about his costume, which instantly vanished, leaving him naked, his axe raised in the air.
José stood before Suzuki. He was nearly transparent but still tangible. He looked younger than when Suzuki had first met him. His hand rested on a large, glowing, golden sword. He was smiling, shaking his head as if he were embarrassed for Suzuki.
Suzuki could not believe what he was looking at. He remembered seeing José blasted by Chip, his body completely obliterated by her plasma cannon. “José,” Suzuki finally managed. “Is that you?”
“It only seems appropriate that I show up at this moment. I am kinda like your Yoda. Though I would have preferred not to have seen your lightsaber.”
“Shit,” Suzuki exclaimed as he turned around and grabbed his pants. He looked back at José and asked, “What the hell are you doing here? Aren’t you dead?”
“Oh, I am dead. And that’s why I’m here.”
Beth cleared her throat. Suzuki turned to see Beth standing, wearing her robe, tapping her feet impatiently as she twirled the chain. “Uh, Suzy, who the hell are you talking to?”
Suzuki eyed her suspiciously. He knew the mood had been killed, but why would she be asking who he was talking to when José was right in front of her. “José,” Suzuki explained. “How the hell did he get here, right?”
Beth stepped closer to Suzuki and looked over his shoulder. Then she looked Suzuki long and hard in the eye as if she were a doctor. She pressed her hand to Suzuki’s forehead. “Suzy, if you weren’t feeling it, you could just say something,” she said.
“No, no, I was,” Suzuki said as he grabbed Beth’s hand and pressed it to his crotch. “See?”
“Okay, that is pretty convincing. But what’s up with the José thing?”
“He’s standing right over there.”
Beth checked over Suzuki’s shoulder again. Then she checked Suzuki’s temperature again. “Holy shit, I think I broke you.”
“You can’t see him?”
“There’s no one there, Suzy.”
Suzuki walked over to José and ran his hand through José, who sighed, irritated. “José, do something, so Beth doesn’t think I’m crazy.”
José chuckled to himself as he walked over to the book Beth and Suzuki had been using. He picked it up and held it over his head.
Beth’s jaw dropped as she watched the book levitate over to her and open, its pages spelling out, “It’s me, José. I’m glad you got out of that orc prison all right. Glad to see you and Suzuki are together.”
Beth took a step back and tripped over herself. “Ros’ten,” she called to her familiar. “Can you see anything?” She waited for an answer before shaking her head, getting up, and hiding behind Suzuki. “Fuck this,” Beth said. “I don’t do ghost shit. I did not sign up to be haunted. What the fuck are we supposed to do? Is he pissed at us or something?”
José put the book back down and sat cross-legged. “No, I’m not pissed at either of you. Or anyone, for that matter,” José said. “I’m just here because I need to talk to you, Suzuki. Your training isn’t over.”
Suzuki conveyed the message to Beth. She still looked freaked out, her face white as paper and her lip slightly trembling, but she agreed to trust Suzuki. The whole ghost situation was too much for Beth, and she decided she was going to crash in Sandy’s and Stew’s tent. She could catch them up on the fact that José was apparently now haunting their campgrounds. And in the meantime, Suzuki could have his chat with José.
After Beth left, José came over and placed his hand on Suzuki’s shoulder. “We have a lot to talk about, kid.”
8
Suzuki and José sat alone in the tent. It felt as if all the heat in the room had been sucked out. When he first saw José, he thought the man looked the same as he had in life. Now that he looked closer, he could see that was not the case. José’s armor was busted and cracked as if he had laid down and had men hammer on him for no obvious reason. He also looked younger but more worn. His face was gaunt, and he looked thinner. The sword that hung on him was not the same one he had been buried with. In addition, his armor wasn’t MERC armor. It bore no insignias.
José looked at Suzuki, large, black bags under his eyes as if he had never known the meaning of sleep. When he spoke, it was with a measured control Suzuki had never heard from him before. There had always been a seriousness, a solemnness when José chose to speak. This was something more. It seemed like every word José said was weighted with life and death. “He’s out there,” José said, his words sounding like they were dragged through gravel.
Suzuki knew exactly who José was speaking of—the Dark One. It was always the Dark One. “We know he’s out there, José. That’s why the MERCs are trying to take him out.”
“Trying and doing aren’t the same thing.”
“We’re working on it. We need a plan. We’re still trying to figure out what to do. Every few weeks we find out something different about this guy. First, we think he’s some techno freak. Then we find out he’s some kind of alien. Now, some forest spirit is telling us he’s a fucking god. How the hell are you supposed to find something you don’t even understand.”
José smiled sadly and nodded as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pipe. He puffed on it as he spoke, the smoke looking more real than José.
“How do I even know you’re real?” Suzuki asked.
José let out a cloud of smoke and his smile faded. “When you were five, you fell down a flight of stairs,” José whispered. “You cracked your head open. All your family thought you were going to die.
You have a steel plate in your head, and you never tell anyone about it because you’re afraid they’re going to assume that is the root of your oddities. You don’t want to be a meme, the nerd who has social anxiety because he was dropped on his head. You’ve never told anyone this. Not even the Mundanes.”
Suzuki’s heart stopped and he felt his veins flood with ice. He wanted to run screaming from the tent. To say he was scared was an understatement. He felt like he might shit his pants. “How did you know all that?” Suzuki asked.
“The dead see many things. We are privy to all kinds of information. Your parents miss you, but they know what you’re doing. They know how important your work is, and they’re very proud of you.”
Suzuki’s heart dropped. He couldn’t remember one time he had really thought about his parents since he had come to Middang3ard. There was always something going on. He had been so focused on finding Beth he had forgotten he had left his entire life behind. Now that life came rushing back to him at breakneck speed. He did miss his parents. He missed his friends. Surprisingly though, and he knew this in the core of his person, he didn’t miss it. He didn’t miss being a nobody. He didn’t miss not knowing what he was doing with himself—living through a virtual reality video game.
Old insecurities came flooding back into Suzuki, and he felt like maybe all this was a dream. Maybe this was just something he saw when he went to sleep because he was so pathetic in real life he had to build a fictional world to live in.
José continued to smoke his pipe. He packed a new bowl before he spoke. “These are things you should never forget,” José explained. “You aren’t the person you used to be. You should remember that, so you can understand who you are now.”
Suzuki wiped a tear from his eye. He hadn’t even been aware that he was crying. “What are you doing here?” Suzuki asked. “Did you come here just to remind me that I used to be a dweeb, and that I need to kill the Dark One.”
