He took a large swig of his beer, and then held it in his hands as he picked off small pieces of the label.
“I missed you,” he told me.
“I know,” I replied.
“I can’t miss you.”
I sighed. “I know.”
We both knew.
More silence. More of me playing with his hair. He finished his beer and then leaned over to me.
I wasn’t perfect. I wasn’t a quick fix. I was only human.
Those were the things I told myself as I leaned in and met Caleb’s mouth. Those were the things I shouted in my head as I kissed Caleb, when I wished it were Ty. Sometimes I hated myself. I hated how I sought out the touch of someone, a lifeline in my cold heart.
Caleb kissed me back and pulled me closer to him. I needed to be lost. As I straddled Caleb and took his shirt off in one motion, I told myself it was only an hour or two. I would only get lost for a short amount of time.
I needed this, was my next thought as I took my shirt off and unclipped my bra.
As Caleb’s warm hands splayed over my breasts, rubbing his thumb over my nipple, I went to that place where the only thing I knew was touch. I turned off my mind. I turned off the thoughts running through my mind. I turned it all off.
It turned into a blurred image of hands moving over bare skin. Heated wet kisses and touches that brought your skin alive.
A little later, as Caleb entered me, I felt for just a second, that everything could be solved. As long as I trusted what I knew, this right here and right now, things would be okay. I could always fall back on this.
“Jolene,” Caleb said in my ear as I moved up and down over him. My name felt wrong on his lips. It should have been deeper. It should had been a voice saying “Jo” with a barely there beard that tickled my skin as his heated breath spoke into my neck, sending arrows of sizzling feeling up my whole body. Thoughts of our night against the bar, outside with only the stars to witness us, filled my head and I hated myself right then. To be with one man, but to be thinking of another. How fucked up was I?
I pushed the thought away and focused on the motion of Caleb and I together. I knew what worked with us. I had to keep telling myself that, repeating the words in my head to block out the image of Ty.
I took advantage of the words repeating in my head as I slowly moved up and down, swiveling my hips at the same time and slowly building the fire inside me, bringing me to the point where I would be completely gone, lost in another world.
Only a moment I was looking for. I needed that one moment of release to keep me going. As Caleb pushed up fiercely and I moved my hips, I finally found that moment. It was sweet and hot and melted over me, in me, through me. I let out my breath, closing my eyes and finding that blissful moment where nothing existed except for raw nerves full of fire as it swept through my body.
And then it all went away, reality crashing into me in waves of harsh light and sound and every feeling I was trying to escape. Every face I was trying to erase from my mind.
I opened my eyes to find Caleb beneath me, his breathing heavy after his release. We breathed together, finding balance.
But then I ruined it, the balance we only had for a moment. I watched it slip through my fingers as I said, “Why are we so wrong for each other?” I whispered it to him, framing his face with my hands, sweeping his hair out of his eyes.
It was the touch of lover. The words though, they were for two people who knew the truth but didn’t want to admit it or let go of the little they had.
We were still connected and Caleb kissed me softly on my collarbone. He was so sweet and I was so cold. We were a mismatched pair of heartache and loss. “Together, I think we’re too broken,” Caleb told me. We both knew it was true, but he didn’t want to believe it.
I had nothing to say to it. I didn’t know how to fix it. Which was pretty much the theme of my life. If I couldn’t fix it, I moved on. It was better that way. I lifted up and kissed him on the top of his head, then walked over to the bathroom.
As I came back, I found Caleb dressed and looking out the window. June had told me about the night he barged on them, crazed and upset over the loss of a girl he loved but never had, not really, not in the way he wanted. Fully and truthfully, I felt for him. I understood loving someone and never having that love given back. I didn’t know if it hurt more if it was a parent or a lover. Did it really matter? Loving someone as they hurt you, it devastated you regardless.
“I’m sorry I left,” I told Caleb.
He spun around and shifted with his back leaning against the window. He smiled at me. “No you’re not. You’re not sorry. I should have known it was a mistake. Even entertaining the thought of us together, like a real couple, would send you off running into the hills.” He looked to the side and outside of the window. “Literally, I might add.”
I laughed quietly. “Why are you really here?” I asked him. Curiosity had gotten the best of me.
“My friend invited me up and we went backpacking.”
Oh son of a bitch.
“Ty?” I squeaked out.
Caleb gave me a confused look. “Yeah? How do you know him? Well, never mind, it’s such a small town that I am not at all surprised you met him. Did he mention me or something?”
Apparently Caleb never knew about the apartment meeting a couple months back.
“Lucky guess,” I mumbled.
Caleb turned his head and narrowed his eyes. “Jolene. Come on”
“What?” Because I didn’t get what he was trying to say.
“I know.”
“Know what?”
“I know that the girl he couldn’t stop talking about, the dark haired siren that kept filling his mind, rather than the spectacular views we saw hiking was you. When he described you, your spirit and your laugh.” Caleb stopped to shake his head. “Jesus Jolene, who else could it have been?”
Well shit. “You came over here knowing Ty likes me and then you slept with me.”
It was a statement, not a question. I wasn’t mad. I got it. I probably would have done the same thing.
Caleb paced through the small living room. It was his sign he was uneasy. “I figured this would be my last chance. Maybe seeing me again after a couple months, well I thought you would realize we would make it work.”
It was Caleb trying to grab at the last straw, the last ditch effort. He knew deep down it would never work.
“It was stupid I guess,” he said looking down at the wooden floors. He could be powerful in the bedroom but at times, when trying to talk about his feelings or what he wanted, he could be shy and timid. He needed something, maybe someone, to bring him out of his shell and help restore Caleb.
He started to pace again and I stopped him.
“Not stupid.”
He only shook his head again. “We don’t work and I know it. Ty, though, he’s a good friend of mine so I’m going to ask a favor.”
I hesitated because I was pretty sure I knew where this was going.
Reluctantly, I nodded. Caleb stopped pacing and he stood right in front of me, his eyes zeroed on my face, his stare intense.
“Don’t hurt him Jolene. Don’t kill his spirit. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen him wrapped up in a girl like he is with you. He deserves someone who will be with him all the way. I knew that sounds rude, but don’t forget I know you.”
“I hear you.”
“Do you though? Do you know that sleeping with him and dropping him will hurt him more than you know? He’s into you, like really into you and I don’t want to see him get hurt. He’s already been through enough.”
This brought my head up. “What do you mean?” I guess I really didn’t know much about Ty, only that he worked for the Forest Service.
Caleb sighed. “I think I said too much. Listen, it’s not my story to tell. He’ll tell you though. It’s not like it’s something he hides, but something he doesn’t bring up on his own.”
Now I was all so
rts of curious about my bearded lumberjack.
Caleb left shortly after that, telling me he was staying with Ty. I thought it strange since I thought Ty shared a bunkhouse with other workers but quickly pushed the thought aside.
In the last three days I tried and failed to have sex with Ty, broke down in his arms then fell asleep in his arms and then slept with his friend, who was also my occasional fuck buddy and sounding board. All in all, it was fucked up. Such was my life. And damn this place for bringing everything up, it was like I was in the most secluded part in the damn country and I couldn’t hide from anything.
CHAPTER NINE
Ty
Caleb was hiding something. He was about to head back to Boise, but I knew he disappeared last night and since I knew where I first met Jolene, I had a really bad feeling of where he was. Of course, did it really fucking matter? Because Jolene wasn’t mine to worry about, even if I did it regardless of everything going on. We weren’t together and if she wanted to see Caleb, there was nothing I could do. Nothing. Which was awful and I fucking hated it. I talked about Jolene nonstop when we were hiking, like I was staking my claim, hoping Caleb would figure it out. Somehow I never told him I had met her that day in his apartment. A part of me knew I didn’t tell him on purpose, she was my secret. It was easy to talk about her, and honestly, it was nice. I didn’t have a lot of friends up here. I had work buddies, but my priorities and responsibilities had always been elsewhere, making it difficult to have friends you could easily go out and drink with.
Maybe that was why I was so head strong on this Jolene thing. I had denied myself so many things, and it was worth it, don’t get me wrong, but for once in my life, Jolene was something I felt like I shouldn’t let go. My gut instinct was shouting me to pay attention. Those instincts hadn’t led me astray before.
“Thanks for coming up and hanging with me.”
Caleb smiled as he opened the car door. “No problem. I enjoyed it.”
Son of a bitch. Of course he enjoyed it.
“Really? And how was Jolene?”
Caleb froze with his hand on the door frame.
“Fuck. I forget that nothing gets past you.”
That was all he had to say? Caleb and I had been good friends for a long time. We had met in elementary school and then he moved by the time middle school started. With the help of Facebook, we connected and he was my go-to when I had to hit Boise for supplies. But that didn’t stop the anger coursing through me. Anger I didn’t have a right to.
“Did you sleep with her?” I had to ask. Not knowing would drive me crazy. I had to know, if only to torture myself.
Caleb shut the car door; apparently figuring out he wouldn’t be leaving until I had my say.
“Ty, you have to understand, Jolene and I have been on and off for the last year. After all, you did meet her in my apartment after she spent the night with me.”
We both stared at each other, tension ringing through the air.
“I guess you pieced that together.”
“Yeah, I did. After you gushed about her it was easy to figure out.”
“So you went and slept with her?”
Caleb didn’t say anything. Guess I had my answer.
“You won’t be able to tame her. I wish I could give you better advice, but that’s Jolene. She’s her own woman. I know where you’re at. I wanted the same thing. You know what happened? She got wind of it and then left me. She ran away. It’s what she does best. She puts on a show and controls it like a puppet master. When she knows she’s losing control, she breaks free of it and pretends like it never exists. So have your summer with her. Have your fun, but know in the end, she’s not yours. She belongs to no ones and likes it that way.”
Caleb’s words were harsh and filled with scorn. I knew Jo had reservations about relationships, that was obvious but damn, did Caleb have to take the things he wanted and completely demolish my hope. Was he trying to be a friend, trying to protect me, or was Caleb projecting the rejection he got from Jolene.
“I’m going to prove you wrong,” I responded. Caleb’s hateful words weren’t going to deter my plan. Not like I had a plan.
Caleb shook his head at me as he climbed back into his car.
“Don’t come crying to me when she breaks your heart Ty. I think it’s her favorite thing to do.” Then he was driving away and leaving me with a battle in front of me.
I had to win because she deserved to be fought for. I wondered if anyone had been her champion. If she was always fighting for herself and how tiring that must be.
***
The crystal clear lake shined in front of me. I had come over after work with coworkers. They were the bar in the lodge, but I needed time to think. The lake was calm and quiet, most of the families fleeing the beach in search of food. In the summer you couldn’t find any place to stand, the beach was that crowded. For some reason, this evening was calm, devoid of people. I wanted to find Jolene. I needed her to know I wasn’t going away.
I skipped a rock into the clear deep blue lake when I heard a twig snap behind me. I turned to find Jolene in her black pants and black shirt, still dressed from work. I was looking for her, but she had found me. She was still beautiful. The thing was, I bet she knew that. She was a siren and how could she not know how beautiful she was with all the men she had been with, who had wanted her in their bed. But did she know that she was beautiful on the inside? That she was more than a natural beauty, but rather the whole package.
“Hey,” she called out to me.
I walked over to the large log and threw off my sandals, rolling up my pants. I sat on the log, putting my feet into the cold waters of the glacier lake.
I turned back to see her still standing on the edge of the beach. “Sit next to me?” I asked her. I hadn’t seen her since the night when we almost hooked up. And since then, it was easy to say things had become more complicated. It was time to be honest with each other, because miscommunication would only cripple us, never letting us move forward.
She slowly moved over to the log, copying my movements and then putting her own toes into the water. The water slowly lapped onto the shore, leftover waves from boats on the lake. There was little sound.
At times, nature was loud and sometimes it was quiet and calm, wanting to hear your secrets. Between Jolene and myself, secrets were abundant and the only way to move forward was to tell them. It would hurt, break us a little, but I had survived worse. Maybe I could pretend we weren’t telling each other, but instead telling the wild that surrounded us. If we simply spoke out loud the troubles we had and how they still affected us, it would float away into the crisp clean air, letting us go of the heavy burden it laid within us.
I knew deep down though, we had to be honest. It wouldn’t be easy, but I wanted to be with her. She had to at least know my responsibilities and my past. How my past will always be a large and wonderful part of me. Possibly the best part.
“I saw Caleb,” Jo admitted to me.
I shifted on the log and our hands touched. It was simple. I reached and squeezed her hand.
“I heard.”
“I slept with him,” she said bluntly, still holding my hand. I was surprised she came out with it. On the flip side, maybe I wasn’t as surprised. Even with the confession, I didn’t let go of her hand.
“We’re not dating. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
Yeah, that sucked to say and I couldn’t look at her when I said it, but I meant it. Saying it was the truth and I shouldn’t make her feel bad about it. She didn’t do anything wrong. It hurt, felt like a knife in my gut, but we weren’t together. No lines had established for them to be crossed.
“The whole time I wished it was you,” she whispered.
I felt my heart jump into my throat. Those words. Those eight words fucking destroyed me and gave me hope all at the same time. A glimpse that maybe she could be in this with me.
I still hadn’t said anything. I was giving her time to speak, knowing
it was rare for her to do this, open herself up. After a few minutes, her voice filled the air again, but she also slipped her hands away from mine.
“I don’t do this. I move on. I have to move on. But goddammit Ty, why are you in my head? You don’t make any fucking sense. I need things to make sense in my life, even if it only makes sense to me. I shouldn’t be thinking of your dark hair and your scruffy beard while I’m fucking someone else.”
How did I even start to respond to that statement? I opened my mouth, but nothing came out.
“Then afterwards Caleb asks me to stay away from you. That I would tear you apart and you didn’t deserve that. Everything Caleb said was the truth because it’s what I do. It’s like men are my playthings and when I get bored I find a new toy. But fuck, when someone who you shared a bed with on and off for the last year, as well as a man you opened up to says that, you start to wonder what the fuck you’ve been doing this whole time.”
Everything she was saying was obliterating my heart.
“Jo . . . you don’t have to feel ashamed of your past. It makes it who you are today.”
Jolene looked down into her clasped hands and said, “What if I don’t like what my past made me? I feel trapped by my past and some days all I want to do is escape it.”
God, what had happened to her that made her like this? “Then change it,” I told her. “You have today and you have the choice to do something different. The past can’t change and we don’t really have control on the future, but today? Today you have the choice to live your life how you want.”
She lifted her head and looked to me. Her dark hair crowded her eyes as the wind softly blew. “Does your past influence you future? Your present? Why is Caleb telling me he can’t tell me your story? What’s your past, Ty? Do you get to make a choice today free of the past?”
She was challenging me. And she was right. Every decision I made today, in the present, had to do with my past.
“What’s your secret, Ty?”
Being Jolene Page 7
