Being Jolene

by Caitlin Kerry

  I had to tell her. I had to tell the wind around us and get it out in the open. In all reality, it wasn’t a secret but only my pride and joy. One of the few things that went right in my life, even when I thought it was all wrong. I tightened my hold on Jo’s hand and this time I met her gaze.

  “My secret isn’t a secret at all. Her name is Annabelle. She’s five and has sun kissed blonde hair like her mother. Who I was once married to, but now we’re divorced.”

  Her mouth opened and she snapped back, like I had slapped her.

  Her hand dropped from mine and she stood up, briskly walking away from me.

  What in the hell? I got up and followed her.

  “Jo!” I yelled at her and she stopped and turned around, then coming back to me with heavy and fast steps. She jabbed her finger into my chest.

  “You have a child!” she yelled.

  “A daughter, yes. Why are you so upset?”

  “You asked about my choice today and controlling my future. There is one thing I am certain of and that is my future will never have a family in it.” Fire was in her voice. She was angry and I couldn’t tell if it was at me or something else.

  I didn’t have any time to respond before she was off and running down the beach and back into the lodge.

  I was blown away at what had just transpired. There were a few words she said about opening up to Caleb that had me dialing his number. He picked up on the first ring. I started to move, trying to find Jolene as I talked to Caleb.

  “That was fast. Did she already make you cry into your Cheerio’s?” Caleb said in lieu of answering the phone.

  “I told her about Annabelle and she freaked the fuck out. Why? If you knew her so well tell me why?”

  I heard a sharp intake of breath as I took a step into the lodge, Jolene nowhere in sight.

  “Oh fuck . . .” Caleb said.

  “Tell me.” I knew she never would, if she would ever speak to me again, that is.

  “Jolene . . .” Caleb started but stopped. “Here hold on, I just got home. Let me get inside.”

  I heard the car door slam and then a minute later Caleb was talking. I stopped and listened to the story. A story he told about Jolene when she was only nineteen. A story where she had collapsed, alone, in her apartment only for her father to find her a few hours later, to rush her to the hospital to find out she had had a miscarriage. A story where a young nineteen year old had been told there were complications and that she would never be able to have children.

  I hung up on Caleb and went off running, trying to find Jolene.

  CHAPTER TEN

  Jolene

  “Jed and I were our own small family, but every Sunday I went to the mercantile to purchase staples, the woman with children would observe me, childless, with blatant disdain. Here nor there, judging was a pastime akin to human kind.”–From the diary of Maggie Brown, July 1981

  A child. Ty had a kid. Out of all the things I expected to hear from him, that was not it. Far from it.

  I had long ago put the thought of having a family away, knowing it would never happen. I had gone through the therapy, taken the meds and did what I needed to do. That was almost five years ago. I had time to accept my future. The one where I was alone. The future where I simply lived day-by-day, made my art, found some company and went on with my life. Because what else would I do? Cry about it when there was nothing I could to do to change it.

  Then there was the whole fact I was pissed about Ty having a kid. In the scheme of things, it didn’t matter. Ty would be a summer fling and then we would part ways. Why in the world did it bother me he had a kid?

  Was it because for the first time in . . . well ever . . . that I had the slightest thought that maybe this could be something more? Was that why I was upset? I was in my car and back to the cabin in a blink. I didn’t even remember the drive home. A part of me wanted to go back to Boise and say fuck it. Fuck all the half siblings showing up and old flings trying to win my heart. And now a man I couldn’t stop thinking of dropping a bomb of a family. Plus, he had an ex-wife at the age of twenty-four? That meant drama. Family and kid drama was something I had enough of. I didn’t want anymore.

  I paced the small space in my living room, going over and over again the conversation I had with Ty. I was going to drive myself crazy. I grabbed my keys and walked out of my cabin.

  I drove. I didn’t even know where I was going but I needed loud music and I need air. Windows down and music played through the stereo speakers, invading my mind, taking me away from the current situation.

  I turned onto a dirt road away from the lake. It curved up the hill and for a second I thought maybe this wasn’t a good idea. My 4runner didn’t have a problem getting up the road but I had no idea where it went. I turned and drove through the tree-lined dirt road. With the windows open, the mountain air flushed out my thoughts swirling in my head.

  One more sharp turned had me going up a slight hill, opening up to a few acres of land. I parked my car and got out of, slamming the door and listening to the sound of it echo on the ridge I found myself on. I took soft steps through the wildflowers that led me to the edge of the ridge. I didn’t know how I had found this spot but it was gorgeous. The valley and rigged mountains were presented before me. I was high enough to see the lake nestled into the glacier valley. The sun was starting its descent and I instantly knew I never wanted to leave this place. There was a pull here that reached deep inside me and found a spot I didn’t know existed. A calm I had no idea was there. From up here, nothing could get to me. No one could find me and fuck with my head and my emotions.

  It was still and tranquil.

  I walked along the ridge, taking in the rainbow of wildflowers. This meadow on the ridge was serene. I had only walked a few more feet when the sun caught on something silver, directing my attention to a structure that didn’t belong.

  A vintage airstream trailer was hidden away, in the shadow of lodge pole pines.

  I walked over to it and tried to open the door, surprised when it easily unlatched.

  The sound of another car pulling up made me jump back, flinging the silver door and making a loud clanking sound.

  The other vehicle was turned off and I stood there frozen, my back to whoever it was getting out of the car.

  Let’s end this day with trespassing why don’t we?

  Shit. I would simply say I was lost and looking for someone to direct me back to the road. The only road there was.

  I took a deep breath but still didn’t turn around. Maybe if I ignored it, the person would go away.

  Maybe if I only ignored everything that kept asking for my attention, it would all go away. I would live on this ridge and never have to deal with my past.

  “How did you find this place?” The voice asked behind me.

  And that voice. My heart skipped a beat because that voice scared the shit out me. I knew the power of that voice.

  “Ty.” I turned towards him. “How did you find me?” I countered his question.

  “You’re on my land,” he deadpanned.

  My mouth hung open. His land?

  “What?”

  “I see you already got into Betty.”

  “Betty?”

  Nothing was simple with Ty.

  He smirked and even though I was confused as hell and upset with him, it still made me feel butterflies in my stomach.

  “Betty is my trailer and this is my land. Other questions?”

  Oh, I had more questions but none I felt like I could ask at this moment. I was still trying to get over the whole ‘this was his land’ deal.

  “I thought you lived down by the rest of the Forest Service crew.” Pointless questions. Questions to avoid my emotions.

  “I do, for the most part. But this is my land and that’s my trailer. I keep it up here for the summer and use it on my days off or when I don’t need to be at the bunkhouse or work.”

  I stared at him. I then looked out to the mountains that were qu
ickly swallowing the sun. It was only my luck this serene place belonged to Ty.

  “It’s like a mountain oasis up here,” I said to him but I still wasn’t looking at him because I knew how quickly he could blend in and become part of the serenity and peace this place brought. I had only been up here for ten minutes and I already knew its magic.

  “It’s one of my favorite places in the world.” He put his hands in his pockets and looked out to the mountains with me.

  “What’s another one of your favorite places?” I asked, even if I already knew what the answer was.

  “Whenever I’m with Annabelle.” There it was. The dream I didn’t want. The emotions I wanted to throw away.

  “Jo, I talked to Caleb. He told me what happened when you were nineteen. God, I am sorry that was taken away from you.”

  It was what people said. They were sorry I couldn’t have kids. They were never sorry for what it did to my body or my mind. How it fucked with my view of my health. They only worried about the kids I would never have.

  “What exactly are you sorry for?” I asked Ty. It was important because I hated people feeling sorry for me because I couldn’t bear a child. I was still a person and it was like when they found out about it they automatically assumed it was something I wanted. They were grieving the child that didn’t exist, forgetting about me.

  Ty took a step forward and grabbed my hand, like he did when we sat on the log by the beach. He swiped his hand through my hair, turning my head towards him. His warm and strong hand cradled my head, the back of my neck.

  “I’m sorry a decision was made for you at such a young age. That you didn’t get to decide if you wanted children or not. I’m sorry you had to physically and mentally deal with the loss of the child. I’m sorry you had to figure out a life you knew nothing about and had to adjust to it. I can’t even imagine what you went through, having to find out what was best for you. How to deal.”

  I almost wanted to cry but I wouldn’t. He was right. Having a family was the last thing on my mind when I was nineteen. It was the effects of a night out partying and a guy I couldn’t remember that resulted in me losing a child and then being told I could never have my own. It was for the best. From my own family experience, I was only bound to screw up my own kid. I had long ago decided never having a kid would be fine. It truly would be and I knew whomever I was with, it would be difficult for them to accept it. There were plenty of people in my life I could love. Family was not the same blood but the people that never shuddered in the storm that surrounded me.

  “I don’t want kids,” I flat out told Ty. He had to know because it wasn’t fair to be with a person with the illusion of more children, even if it was from adoption. And why was I telling him? I never did this. I never opened up to the men I was sharing my bed with, minus Caleb. Ty and I? We had barely shared a bed. There was drunken sex and tears half naked, but never a time where we had sex while fully aware of who we were sinking into to.

  “Okay,” Ty told me. He hadn’t let go of my hand and now his other hand moved down to wrap around my waist, pulling me closer to him. I wanted to be closer to him, this man who was rugged, smelled like chipped wood pieces and looked like he lived in flannel.

  Ty gripped my hand tighter. “Jo, why are you telling me this?”

  “What do you think your happily ever after is?” I asked instead.

  Ty’s gaze scanned my eyes, trying to figure out my motive.

  “I don’t know. I was young when Annabelle was born. I don’t even know if I had a happily ever after in mind. At that age a lot of things were falling apart. I guess I saw Brooke, my ex-wife, and I saw Annabelle and we were happy as a family. That was as far as I got and that obviously didn’t work.”

  “Do you see though? The kids, the wife, and the picket fence. That’s most people’s happy ending. Their goal. But Ty, that’s not mine. That’s not my happily ever after and I would hate to have you thinking I want that. I’m okay with never having my own child or even adopting one. I’ve had a lot of time to deal with what I lost and I can honestly say I’m okay with that aspect of my future.”

  I took a big breath and continued on, “In a lot of ways, I’m not okay. I can admit that. I hide away from my true self but when it comes to kids and a family? Well, my definition of family is different. My idea of happiness is different and not everyone agrees with me. Actually, most disagree with me and this is why I never talk to people about it. There are only a few people who know what happened. Do you see? Society’s pressure to procreate is insane and I don’t need people judging me.”

  Both of his hands were now firmly on my waist and there was only a breath of space between us. I put my hand on his chest, playing with the small plastic button on his shirt, avoiding his eyes because unloading all of that was stressful and emotional. I had my fill today. I was on emotion overload. No more.

  “I would never judge you based on your decision.” He was truthful in his words and it slightly eased the dread coursing through me. “It’s your body and your life Jolene. What I’m trying to process is this question, are you saying you can’t be with me because of my daughter?”

  I tried to speak but I had no idea what to say. The dread grew more rapidly, filling every pore in my body. Was that what I was saying? Was I already rejecting Ty because of his daughter? I had no freaking idea because I had never dealt with this. It was never in my mind I would be with a person who had a child, as naive as it sounded.

  “God, Ty.” I gripped his shirt tighter.

  “Jo, look at me.” I felt his fingers under my chin. I lifted my head. “Why do you care though? Because so far you’ve only denied anything between us.”

  Most men let me do my thing. They never tried to hold on to what we had. I always made it clear it was over. It hadn’t even begun with Ty and I felt so lost. No one challenged me. Ty did.

  I still hadn’t said anything; afraid my words would bleed out and take my hardened soul with it.

  “It’s okay if you like me Jolene. It’s okay if this is all scary and new. We don’t have to figure it out all tonight. This is new for both of us. We can take it slow.”

  Slow. A word I didn’t use much in my vocabulary. I was always on the go, looking for the next rush.

  I nodded, though, because what else was there. Ty was going to be part of this summer. The ending between us was a mystery, a story that didn’t have an ending yet. But the beginning, that was something I was familiar with.

  By now the sun was set and the mountain chill was setting in. Ty rubbed my arms and said, “Come one, let me show you Betty since you already broke into her.” He was trying to break the tension, ease the uncertainty. Day by day, minute by minute, that would be the summer.

  I quietly laughed as his humorous tone and let him take my hand, leading me to the trailer. The laughter let a little bit of the dread in my stomach go, floating away. I only hoped I could keep it away.

  When I took a step in I was taken off guard by how nice it looked. There was a small kitchen and table to the right. A dark blue couch on the side and to the left a bed covered the majority of the rounded end of the trailer. Dark blue curtains were the only thing separating the bed from the rest of the trailer.

  “Wow.” I was impressed. “How long did this take you?”

  Ty leaned against the open doorway as I looked back at him. I was surprised his head didn’t hit the top of the trailer.

  “I bought this at the end of my sophomore year of college after Brooke and I divorced. I’ve been working on it since. I pulled it up here each summer I worked here. This is the first summer it’s been enough to live in.”

  “And this is your land? How did that happen?”

  Ty moved past me and, with how tight it was, he brushed past me; my nipples took notice as his strong chest grazed my breasts. I folded my arms over my chest and looked away. Gone was my sexy and in your face persona for the day. I was too tired to play the game.

  He sat on the end of the bed a
nd smirked at me. “You okay over there.”

  I rolled my eyes, since apparently he knew exactly what he was doing to me. “How did you get your land?” I asked again.

  “I inherited it,” he answered, but still with his smirk. “This land has been in the family for generations. My great grandfather came here to this valley for mining in the early 1900s. It was a boom and bust situation but he kept this land and it was passed down. When my grandpa passed away, it was suppose to go to my mom, his daughter, but when the will was read it was given to me.”

  “How did your mom react to that?” I moved over to the small couch and sat down. I was close enough as it was on the couch. Sexy Jo would have sat next to him on the bed, sides touching. The couch was safer for my mental safe.

  Ty ran his thumb over his bottom lip. “Not too well. She was pretty upset about it. It didn’t make sense that my grandpa would have given it to me with all my other siblings.”

  “Were you close with him?”

  Ty leaned back on his hands. “I guess? I was the one that loved this area as much as he did. I followed in his footsteps, more so than any of my brothers or sisters. The rest of the family sees it as a camping spot. I see it as a place that is the most alive and beautiful place in the world. I’ve worked here every summer and I can’t get enough. My only reasoning behind me getting this land is that, my love for the area and the work I’ve put into it.”

  “What will you do with it?”

  “I want to eventually build a cabin on it. Nothing too outrageous but a place where I can live, summer or winter. Wherever the wind takes me.”

  A part of me identified with the notion that life was not meant to be stable or static, but rather flowing. Fighting the current would only drown you. Life was meant for adventure, following the stream and knowing you would find your way. There was no timetable.

  I had tried stable and that never had worked for me.

  “Where do you live in the winter?”

  “I graduated with my forestry degree this May from University of Montana. So, I’ve been in Missoula but now after this fall . . . I don’t know. I would like to stay with the Forest Service full time but they don’t have many positions here during the winter. There’s an office close to where my family is. Spend my summers up here.”