Being Jolene

by Caitlin Kerry

  And then every word that was spoken tonight came rushing back. Fuck. As we laid there, I heard a rustling in the distance. I stiffened, thinking of every possibility of what was out there. Bigfoot was the image running through my mind.

  “Are there animals out there?” I asked out loud.

  Ty flopped back down and laid on this stomach as he curled his arms underneath his head. Even through the long sleeve thermal shirt he was wearing I could still the outline of his strong muscles.

  “Probably Jo. It’s the wilderness.”

  “Oh,” I said. I sunk deeper in the bag.

  “Jo . . .” Ty started. He reached out and wrapped his hand around my braid, well if you could call the hair that was really a tangled mess a braid. He tugged light and said, “Are you okay? I’m sure it’s just a deer or something. Nothing to worry about.”

  I had sunk so deep in that only my nose was sticking out. I looked over to Ty. “Are you sure?”

  “Are you scared?”

  I sighed in frustration. I didn’t want to admit it, even if I was. Hello, where was the fearless Jolene everyone else knew. I really needed her right now to fight Bigfoot, who I was sure was camping out and probably drinking the beer I had left out.

  “A little bit,” I told Ty.

  “Hey,” he said softly, running his hand over my hair in a soothing manner. “Why don’t you come here.”

  “I don’t think we’ll both fit.” Ty started to unzip my sleeping bag. “What are you doing?” I asked him.

  “I’m going to zip up our sleeping bags together, okay? Then I can hold you when you get scared. Sound good?”

  He unzipped his and zipped ours together. Ty also took off his shirt. He totally saw me staring at him, even though the only light was the low dim from the half moon outside. He winked at me. “This way I can keep you warm, too. Body heat is a good source of that.”

  Ty grabbed me so I was facing his chest. I snuggled in tighter, hiding from the dark outside. This was not my most proudest or bravest moment but damn it felt good to be in Ty’s arms and I could admit it did make me feel a little safer.

  A little safer by a whole lot. “Better?” Ty asked.

  I squirmed, trying to get closer to him, even though there really was no room between us. I heard the deep breaths Ty was taking in a steady rhythm. That was until I moved in closer and there was a misstep in his breathing. I could feel him between us, how hard he was. I smiled and said, “No. I think you might need to distract me.”

  Ty’s answer was to move his arms up and under my shirt, taking it off and throwing it to the other side of the tent. “I think I can do that.” His mouth took mine in this sweet kiss. This man could kiss. He kissed like it was an art form and he was the artist who spent hours of time on his craft. I kissed him back and as usual, everything faded around us.

  In the past it was like we got to one point but stopped. I didn’t want to stop. I turned, putting Ty on his back and I was on top of him, my breasts pushing into his chest. I moved up as I kissed him, which gave me a deep gravely moan from Ty, a glorious sound. This time I moved down. I figured it was my time to repay. I kissed him on his flat stomach as I took the band of his boxer briefs and moved them slowly down his legs. He helped and kicked them off. I kissed him again, a little lower as my hand gripped him, the heat from his hard cock radiating in my hand. I moved my hand up once and then twice before I flicked my tongue out on his head. The moans coming from him made it sound like torture and bliss rolled into one. I loved it. I took him into my mouth and that moan turned into a heated, “Oh fuck Jolene.” He lifted his hips up and I took him in more fully. Now, I was no prude and this not my first time giving head, but I loved giving it to Ty. The power I felt with him in my hands and knowing those sounds of pure pleasure were by my doing gave me a real rush. I felt Ty bring his hands around my elbows as he lifted me up and captured my mouth, tasting himself on me. That enticed another moan but this time I didn’t know where it was coming from.

  “I have to have you,” he told me. Ty flipped me and I found myself on my back. I felt his hands go into my panties to find me wet, ready for him. He explored while his other hand reached for his jeans that were lying out next to the joined sleeping bag. Two fingers entered me as his thumb found my clit. I gasped at the feeling, got lost in it. It was always about this, the time I could be lost at my own doing. The feeling of connecting with another person gave me a reprieve out of my head. Usually it was with a random guy but this time it was different. I had connected with Ty whether I liked it or not. I felt safe under him and that was something I had never felt with another man.

  Ty lip’s found my neck but moved down to my breasts. He took a nipple in his mouth and sucked as his hand worked me below. As his fingers pushed inside me over and over again, he bit and sucked my breasts, lavishing them. I felt it building, knew it was coming, but as Ty pushed up inside me and bit my nipple at the same time, I came and lifted up, biting his shoulders to keep me from screaming. Not that it mattered, every damn animal within a five mile radius was welcome to hear the soul crushing orgasm Ty had just given me. I felt his fingers leave me and I slightly whimpered as I continued to convulse, his hand swept me below and I jumped at how sensitive I still was. I heard a crinkle of a condom wrapper. I didn’t feel empty long as I felt Ty’s hard length at my entrance. I knew this wasn’t the first time we had sex, but it felt like it was. As Ty entered me so quickly after my orgasm, my pleasure skyrocketed as he pumped in and out, I could feel every movement, my nerves raw and on fire.

  It was almost too much. It was more than our bodies connecting. It was his touch that was full of heat and tenderness, mixing together to give me this feeling of being cherished.

  Ty leaned into my ear and whispered, “You feel like home.” He nipped my earlobe and kissed my neck. His movements became hurried, like he couldn’t get enough of me, and then he would slow down the place, only to pick back up. As I knew he was getting closer, the breathes become faster and more shallow, I reached down and grabbed his ass, pushing up the same time I pulled him closer and that’s all it took as he came. “Fuck Jolene . . .” he breathed in my ear. It was said like a prayer.

  He came down and I moved my hands gently over his back, both of us breathing heavily and our bodies feeling like dead weight after our orgasms.

  “I think that was better than last time,” he said.

  I laughed. “Indeed.” I reined kisses on his shoulders, the upper arms and his collarbone.

  “Mmm,” he said, still inside me. “I hope I’m not crushing you.”

  I loved his weight on me, every manly aspect of him connecting with my delicate skin felt so right.

  “No,” I told him, “not in the slightest.”

  I felt Ty slide away from me and I missed his weight, the feeling of security it brought me.

  We drifted off to sleep and any thoughts of bears or Bigfoots left my mind.

  ***

  The next day was spent hiking and fishing. Every place I looked was stunning as nature presented itself. Ty had said this part of the wilderness was difficult to get to on foot so really the only time people were here it was when they flew in. I was happy for it because it was completely isolated and peaceful. The noise was only the sound of the water running or the wind rustling through the trees.

  Spending time with Ty was easy. There were no worries. We could both sit there in complete silence, no words needed. The presence of each other was enough. It was more than enough. I felt safe with Ty and comfortable. I didn’t have to put on a role or play someone I wasn’t. It had been a long time since that had been the case.

  I was sitting on blanket I had spread out by the river as Ty fished. I had brought the journal my dad had given to me from my great grandmother. I didn’t want to write in the book itself, but I took a pen and paper and wrote down this passage:

  “October 12th, 1891

  Winter, as usual, is inevitable. I wonder if we are ready, though. This is our first
winter in these woods. I wonder if the world will be covered in white. The sleeping trees will bloom in spring, but I will miss the green. Will the animals be plentiful and feed our home? I call it home but it is really only four wood walls, cracks between the wood we harvested only steps away from the stone fire place that will heat our home and hearts. Inside these four walls is life. Life at times between Jed and I can be difficult. We worry about the future. We know one day the woods might take control, taking everything it has graciously given us. For now, we worry about winter. I am already missing the green leaves and the clear water.”

  I took the passage and drew around it, tree branches that took the words and cradled them. It was eye opening to read this journal. We worried about so many things in life and I couldn’t help but think that maybe there were more important things to focus on. When you looked at things this way, when you worry about where your food will come from or how you will keep warm, other things seem trivial. Maybe life was really about the quiet moments. These woods made me aware of myself and of Ty, of how two people could simply just be and still be happy. I was inspired here, beyond what I felt in the city. I felt at peace here, even if it was only for a moment.

  I was tired. I was tired and over it all. It was time for a change, even if the change was scary.

  “Hey Ty,” I said. Ty pulled in his line and looked over at me.

  “Yeah.” He gave me a smile and I fell a little bit harder for him.

  “Thank you for taking me out here.”

  His smile became bigger. “You’re welcome. Where did that come from?”

  I shrugged. “I like it out here.”

  Ty nodded. “I do, too. I’m happy to hear that. Hopefully that means there will be more times I get to take you out here.”

  “I would like that.”

  Ty got up from the bank and sat next to me, leaned in and kissed me softly on the lips. “You know, there are a lot of places I want to take you.”

  “Oh yeah, like where?”

  Ty sat back, playing with my hair, running his hands and massaging my neck. “I want to take you to see the glaciers in Alaska, to see the Tetons from the air, to see your face the first time you fly over the ocean. I want to take you to the narrows in Zions. I want you by my side, Jo. I want to watch you with Annabelle. I want to watch you draw and paint and find peace in the woods, because I know its healing powers. When things get tough, I come out here and whatever is running through my head clears up a bit, fits together a little better.”

  I swallowed. I wanted all of that too. Now I only had to figure out how to get it all.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  Ty

  After our trip in the woods, I was gone for another week. Usually I didn’t mind having to leave, but with Jolene back in the valley, I couldn’t get back fast enough. I had talked to Brooke and had told her in two weeks I would be back for my brothers and sisters birthday. I wanted to bring Jolene. Brooke couldn’t believe there was an actual real women but I assured here I didn’t hire her or anything crazy like that. Brooke was thrilled to meet her. I knew how lucky I was because there were couples that had children who didn’t get along as well as Brooke and I did. We both wanted the other to be happy and I knew she was with Avery. They made a good team and were wonderful parents to Annabelle.

  On the day I got back, I wanted to rush over to the small cabin on the edge of the woods. Instead I waited. Jo had said she was working late so I took the truck and went up to my trailer. The plans for the cabin were still laying on my small Formica table in the airstream. I figured next spring I would break ground. It wasn’t a large cabin in the slightest, but it would be enough for Annabelle and myself. I was secretly hoping those plans also included Jolene. I had designed in a side porch, but I could easily close it in and make it a place for her to do her art. Yeah, I was that serious.

  I pulled up and turned the corner to find a nice surprise on the small steps of the trailer. Jo sat there in a flowing green shirt and cream-colored tank top. She fit in so well up here, it was like her soul had found her home. I could see it and it wasn’t even something that had to do with myself. I could see how well she fit in. As she become more familiar and comfortable with the area, it was the apparent tension that melted away as the summer went on. This place had that affect and even summers later I felt it every time I drove and turned that corner when the mountains suddenly appeared.

  The same affect happened when I saw Jolene on the steps of my trailer. Everything seemed to float away.

  “This is a nice surprise.” I walked up to Jo and grabbed her hands, bringing her up to me. I took her mouth, letting her know how much I had missed her. “I thought you had to work late?” I said as I broke away from her.

  “I did, but I left early. I was a little overwhelmed.” I took a closer look at her and noticed her eyes were red.

  “What happened?” I asked her as I wiped the dark mascara smudge below her eyes. She was shook up, on my steps and looking for a safe place.

  “My mom sent me a letter. No, she didn’t call or anything like that. She sent a letter. I must have gotten my creative flair from her.”

  “What did the letter say?”

  “She wants to see me and was upset with how I treated Troy, my supposed step-brother. She said she deserves a chance to tell her side of the story now that I’m adult. She even said that as a child, I didn’t have a say in what she did with her life and she made sure I was taken care of.” Jo shook her head in frustration. “I’m almost ashamed to come from a person like that. I’m not sure where she got the delusional idea that I owe her anything.”

  I opened the door the trailer and took Jo inside, sitting her down at the small table. I took the plans and rolled them up, putting them behind me.

  “You’re right, Jo. A mother should never treat like a child like he or she is a chore, a task that needs to taken care of. You don’t have to see her. You don’t owe her anything.”

  “I don’t know why suddenly she has this interest in contacting me. I hear nothing from her, I have no idea where she even lives and then she decides she needs to be in my life again. No, that’s ridiculous.”

  I held Jo’s hands, soothing away the worry the best as I could.

  “My mom left me and my family when I was sixteen.”

  Jo looked up at me and I could see how her eyes filled with tears again. “Why? Why do parents think it’s okay to abandon their children?”

  It was a question I asked myself time and time again. As a teenager when it happened, it was confusing and hurtful.

  “That was the main reason why I went to Brooke. I was hurt and felt helpless as my family fell apart. I took out my sorrow on her. I hated my mom. I hated that she gave us up and started all over again, marrying someone new and living a new life. It was like we never existed. But, here’s a lesson I learned.”

  Jo nodded, encouraging me to go on.

  “Around Annabelle’s first birthday I came this realization. When I became a parent, I felt so human, so very vulnerable. I no longer felt invincible like I had as a teenager. It made me realize that my parents were human. They made decisions and sometimes they weren’t good ones. I think society puts this label on parents that they are perfect and loving human beings that can do no wrong. Parents make mistakes though. I was scared of every decision I made and how it would affect Annabelle. Would letting her sleep in my arms at night make her too dependent as a child. If I didn’t hug her enough, would she feel unloved? It was like walking this tightrope and any misstep would screw my child up for the rest of her life. It was a lot of pressure. As I was holding Annabelle one night when she wouldn’t stop crying and Brooke hadn’t slept in two days, I forgave my mother. I’m still upset about her leaving us, but she’s not perfect. I understand that, and I know that I was loved by many people. One was the tiny human I was holding in my arms. Parents are just humans trying not to screw up the little person in their arms. They fail and they proposer and they do the best they can. My m
om, sadly, thought she was no longer doing the best she could and left.”

  “Are you saying I should forgive my mother?” Jolene asked me. She wasn’t accusing me, but pleading with me to give her an answer.

  “That’s up to you, Jo. You don’t have to. I can see why you wouldn’t. I think there is a difference between forgiving her and accepting the situation. Accepting it means you understand you did everything in your power to make it work, but it didn’t. That happens in life and the only thing we can do is make the best of it and try to do better ourselves. Learn from the mistakes. I always tell Annabelle when she doesn’t want to go to pre-school that life is all about learning as you go and that learning never stops, it only helps you.”

  “I wish I could learn to let go.” Jo swiped at her eye, drying the last of her tears.

  “You’ll get there and I’ll be by your side the whole time if you’ll let me.”

  “Actually . . .”

  I raised an eyebrow and smirked at her. “Yes?”

  “Remember how my friend June came to visit me, freaking out about being proposed to?”

  I nodded.

  “Well Reece, her boyfriend, called me this week. He’s proposing this weekend and wants me to be there for it. Will you come with me?”

  My heart swelled that she was asking me to be with her for this. “Of course I’ll go with you. I would love too. Why did you look nervous about it?”

  Then the nervousness on her face turned to embarrassment as her cheeks turned red. I had a knack at making this girl blush. “In the past I would bring guys around so I wasn’t the third wheel but I want to bring you because it’s more than that. I want you to meet the people who are important to me.”

  “That’s a big step. What will you be introducing me as?” I wanted her to say it, without me having to spell it out.

  She took a small swallow and yeah it took her a second to say but when she said, “As my boyfriend.” I couldn’t help the grin that spread on my face.

  We spent that night together, wrapped in our arms. I made love to her in that small airstream and I still woke up in the middle of the night with her wrapped up in the only blanket, leaving me with nothing. Even if she did take all the blankets I would let her. There was starting to be little I wouldn’t do for Jolene.