Being Jolene

by Caitlin Kerry

  I made my way into the apartment. The first thing I saw was the kitchen and the image of Ty standing there, decked out in red flannel and holding a bowl of cereal, turning my gut into knots. I had tried so hard to not to get into this mess. Where was my string of easy to dispose men? Where was the simple pleasure of feeling the hot hard skin of a man underneath me and then leaving the next day and getting along with my life?

  The only skin I wanted to feel right now was Ty’s. The only face I wanted to see when I woke up was Ty’s.

  “Is there a reason you’re asking me insane questions this early in the morning?” Caleb stood next to me as we moved to the couch.

  “It’s nearly noon, Caleb,” I told him as I sat in his big recliner. “Why aren’t you at school?” It was summer, so he wasn’t teaching but he did have research and a dissertation to write.

  “Taking the day off,” was his only answer.

  “I’m here because I need to know how you feel about me.”

  “Why? You’re with Ty.”

  “I know, but . . .”

  Caleb let me finish, except there were no words to express what was going on between Ty and I.

  “Jolene. I care for you, of course I do. Do I love you? If I was capable of love, it would probably be with you.”

  I sunk deeper in the chair. “Are you scared of love?” Was I asking Caleb or myself this question? I wasn’t sure.

  “You know me better than anyone, Jolene. What do you think?” Caleb and I not only shared our bodies, but we shared our demons. It was a totally fucked up type of relationship and it wasn’t even a relationship. We both knew the loss of ones we thought we loved. We knew it ripped you apart, left you in tatters. Putting each piece together could be excruciating. You were never the same. The pieces didn’t fit quite right anymore.

  “Will you please tell me what happened?” Caleb asked softly. People rarely saw his soft side and if they did, well they didn’t know, never really seeing him through it.

  “Ty told me that he loved me,” I started, and then I told Caleb everything. How I had met Annabelle and I had to face head on every insecurity I had dealing with parenthood, or for me- the lack there of. I told him how I broke down that night after story time and the next day I played with the kids and let go, for only a moment, everything I was scared of. Caleb heard about the meeting between Brooke, Avery, Ty and I. He heard about how all the insecurities came flooding back when I heard Ty wanted to move to Boise. Ty wanted to move to Boise for me, and deep inside it was like he was choosing me over his daughter. I felt like the scared twelve year old all over again when I found out my mom was leaving.

  It was probably irrational, because I also knew, deep in my soul, how much Ty loved Annabelle and how he would do anything he could for her. Which was why I didn’t understand how he thought we would work out.

  “Sounds like Ty wants to be with you and have Annabelle in his life. I don’t think this is a one or another choice, Jolene.”

  “I feel bad, though. Like I’m the reason he wouldn’t see his daughter as much. If he lived in Moraine, on the other side of the state, he could see her all the time. He could have practically the same job and spend the summers up in Gypsum.”

  “Have you thought about moving with him? To Moraine?”

  I had. Before Ty had ever mentioned moving to Boise, I would allow myself a few minutes of daydreaming. I saw us surrounded by snow and it was in Moraine or somewhere close. That resulted in asking myself if I could leave Boise. I only knew the city, my dad was here and once again, the guilt was everywhere. If I left Boise to be with Ty, well to me it was like my mom all over again. I would have to leave my dad and then he would have no one. Could I do that?

  “Yeah, I have. I don’t know if I could leave everyone. My dad. June and all you guys. You’re my family, a fucked-up one, but you’ve all I got.”

  Caleb had his elbows on his knees and he leaned over, a serious look on his face. “I think you’re forgetting someone. I think Ty is part of your family as much as June or anyone else you could think of. You love him. It’s as plain as day. I know because you never looked at me like you do Ty. I knew it the moment I saw you two at the shop with June and Reece.”

  When Ty told me he loved me, for only a second I felt it deep in my bones. It only lasted a moment until that damn deer sat in the middle of the road.

  After the near crash, I thought long and hard about his words. Was this love I was feeling? Could it be anything else?

  “Just because I love him, doesn’t mean it will work out.” It was the first time I had expressed my feelings out loud.

  Caleb leaned back, his hands clasped together in his lap, “Yeah, that’s true. Or it could work out. You won’t ever know until you try.”

  I raised an eyebrow towards Caleb. “Where’s all this Zen coming from? Where’s my cynical fuck buddy?”

  Caleb laughed. “We haven’t been fuck buddies in a long time, Jolene. And I see how happy you are with him. It pissed me off too, because I wish it were me who made you feel that way, but I care enough about you that I want you to be happy. You fucking deserve it out of anyone I know.”

  “This all still leads me to the problem I have. I can’t figure out what to do. Do I give up everything I am to be with Ty?”

  Caleb rubbed his hand over his forehead. “Jolene, I don’t think you’re giving up who you are. You’re in love and you want to make it work. Well, then, do it. Make it work.”

  Was Caleb hearing the words coming out of his mouth? The boy needed to take his own advice. “You can hear yourself, right?”

  “Yes. Your point is?”

  I gave Caleb a blank look. “Since when is it as simple as, make it work. Have you thought about taking your own advice?”

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” He said emotionless. He was such a liar.

  “I can give you a clue. It starts with an H and ends with an ‘annah.’ The tiny short haired girl who has been crushing on you even when it wasn’t even legal for her to?”

  “What does Hannah have to do with this?”

  If I could reach far enough to smack him on the head, I would have. “One day, mark my words, you will give in to her. You’ll love again, even if you don’t think you’re capable of it.”

  Caleb shook his head. “No way are you turning this around. We’re talking about you. Does Ty know you’re here?”

  I averted my eyes and put my leg under the other.

  “Damnit, Jolene. If he finds you here, with me, that shit will not look good.”

  “He won’t.” Why would he?

  Caleb shook his head and gave me a half laugh. “Jolene, you’re stupid if you think that a man, who just yesterday said the big three words, won’t try to find you. You ran after he told you that he loved you. I’ve known Ty for a long time, longer than you, and that man takes care of the people he loves. He’ll be here shortly. Maybe you should go to your dad’s so I’m not in the middle of the shit storm you’ve created.”

  “Wow. Thanks, just throw me out to the wolves.”

  “No, the opposite. Ty will protect you from the wolves.”

  ***

  I didn’t take Caleb’s advice. Instead I made us lunch and then sat, hiding out really, in Caleb’s apartment. He was nice enough to not kick me out. I was lying on the couch and watching pointless television, when I felt my heavy eyes close.

  The next thing I knew there was yelling. I woke with a start and sat up on the couch. Ty came barreling into the apartment, Caleb right on his heels. Caleb raised his arms into air and said, “Commence with the shit storm.”

  “Jo, what are you doing here?” Ty asked me. I wanted to reach out to him, grab his hands. I wanted to curl into his strong chest, the soft flannel of his shirt caressing me, the stubble on his chin tickling me.

  “I didn’t know where else to go.”

  You know those times in life where you say words and as soon as you say them, all you want to do is reach out and take
them back. Grab them flying in the air and throw them back in the depths of your mind, never to see the light of day. That was this moment. They were the wrong words before I even finished saying them.

  “God, Jo,” Ty choked out, his voice laced with hurt. “You can always come to me. We can talk it out, figure out something, but don’t think you can’t come to me.”

  “I’m sorry,” I said without looking at him. Caleb coughed behind us. “I think I’m going to go for a run. Or something . . . anyways, I’m going to leave and when I come back please don’t be doing one of two things. One, having sex on that couch, or two, yelling your heads off. I do have neighbors.” Caleb was out the door in a flash, leaving me with Ty. A very angry Ty, though he was still looking sexy as usual.

  “It kills me that when you feel like you have nowhere to go, you decide to go to Caleb’s place rather than mine. It really hurts when I know that you’ve slept with him before. That you started your summer sleeping with him. I get it, Jo. Life has been a real bitch to you and you’re scared. Join the club, because every fucking day I’m scared of what might happen. I’m scared of being a good parent or having a family. I can’t let that control me though.

  “But that’s what you’re doing. You’re letting the fear take over, which is stupid as fuck because you’re one of the most fearless people I know. It doesn’t make any sense.”

  Hey, he was preaching to the choir. I acted fearless, knew life was mine to take, but for some god awful reason, loving Ty, making some kind of life with him made me stop dead in my tracks. It took every thing I feared, motherhood and the fear of being left, and threw it in my face. I loved Ty, I knew I did, but did I trust myself to let him love me?

  “I wish I had an answer for you.” It hurt to say it. I didn’t want to say it, but better that than lying.

  “Where do we go from here?” Ty asked. “I love you, Jolene. I think you love me too, but I do have a family I have to think of. I know we could make it work, but it won’t work if you’re not in it with me. We can make it work as a team, don’t you see?”

  I was ashamed of myself in that moment, how I was freezing up and turning off all of emotions. I couldn’t even make eye contact. What Ty was saying about being a team, I obviously couldn’t see. Why was I ruining this all? I had let go of my mom, I knew she had royally fucked me up, but it was time to move on. I had to understand that not every mother out there would leave her kid.

  “I need time,” I pathetically said. It was a lame excuse.

  “Jo, I can give you time, but we have to talk this out. I need you to trust me that it will all work out. I wouldn’t ask you to do things, to move to you, if it wouldn’t work out for my daughter and me. It took me a long time to realize it, but one of the best things I can do for Annabelle, is to be happy. You make me happy. You make my daughter happy. Be with me. Choose to be with me, let go of whatever is holding you back.” Ty was pleading with me.

  “Time, Ty. I need time.” Ty got the picture, reluctantly, and nodded. He grabbed the keys he had placed on the counter and went out the door. Before he closed it, he told me, “You know where to find me.”

  Then he was gone. I was hoping I wasn’t making a horrible mistake.

  I sat on the couch staring at the door Ty had left from. Moving seemed impossible. The feeling inside of me that I was making a mistake was intense, weighing me down. Eventually, at some point, I went to the cupboards in search of wine. What I found was whiskey. Worked for me, as I took a chug of it.

  Caleb walked into the apartment at that point. “Whoa there, leave some for the thirsty.” I handed him the bottle and he took a drink. “Oh that burns so good.” He commented.

  I took the bottle and went back to the couch.

  “I don’t see Ty. Does that mean you’re going to get drunk on my couch and cry.”

  Another drink from the bottle, this time it went down a little smoother. “Probably.”

  “Great,” Caleb said sarcastically. “Shouldn’t you be with June when you’re sad like this? I don’t want Ty to get the wrong idea. I might hate him a little because you fell for him, but he’s still a good friend.”

  “June’s, rightfully so, in her happy engagement bubble. I don’t want to burst it.”

  “Listen, I have to head out tonight, finish up a few things. You can crash here if you want. I’m going to be an asshole and say you get the couch, because if I find you in my bed, I can’t be responsible for my actions.”

  “Classy.”

  “Yeah and in the dictionary right next to the word is a picture of me. I’m the epitome of classy.”

  I laughed. Caleb knew how to make me laugh, even when everything seemed dim.

  “Thank you,” I told him.

  He gave me a small smile, a rarity to him, and then was back out the door. It was like he was never here. I curled up with the whiskey bottle after a few more swigs and watched endless episodes of some pointless drama on Netflix. The bottle was half empty by the time I fell asleep. I felt a blanket on top of me during the night, a small kiss on the top of my head and I dreamed of Ty, him being the one tucking me in and keeping me safe.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  Jolene

  “I went out in the snow for a walk, to get out of the cabin that was starting to seem suffocating. My footsteps would lead me back. I walked a way I always went, but as I took a different turn, a meadow I had never seen before appeared before me. This land, always reminding me of new twists around every corner.”–From the diary of Maggie Brown, December 1891.

  I left Caleb’s place that day and headed back into the mountains. When I got to my cabin, there was a note from Ty saying he had to be gone for the next two weeks on assignment. I had asked for time and looks like I was going to get it.

  Two long long weeks later, I stood tying my shoes and getting ready to go on a run. I asked for time and that was exactly what I got. I was regretting asking for it. It was crazy how much I missed him. I didn’t know how much I had spent my summer thinking about him, kissing him, and simply talking to him. I got off work and told him about my day, the simplest thing in the world and something many couples took advantage of, but for me it was new. I was the girl who went home, alone. I loved the sanctuary I had made in Boise. I loved even more my cabin in the woods and the man who met me at the door. The calm and serenity I experienced up here, tucked away in the small cabin, was something I had never experienced before. The noise of the city got in the way of my thoughts, the bustle of everyday life let me hide away from my feelings.

  Thinking was all I had done these last two weeks. I focused on work, but I caught myself daydreaming. In a perfect world, Ty and I were together. I worked on my art, we took his plane and saw uncharted lands, and Ty was able to be with Annabelle. She had her father in her life and more than just on the weekends. A dream world, one I didn’t know how to replicate. I wish I could take my colored pencils and draw the world where everything worked out. I dreamt of that world coming to life. It was a larger sanctuary than what I had in Boise, a more fulfilling life.

  All so simple, yet beyond my reach.

  It was early evening as I stood on the beginning of the trail, the same one I saw Ty running down of in the beginning of the summer. The worst part of the last two weeks was everywhere I went, Ty was there. In the trail we ran, on the beach in front of the lodge, in my bed. Every memory we made this summer was burned into my head. I even tortured myself and went up to his trailer. I sat on the metal steps and drew the sunset. It was so tortuous; I went up the next night. And the next and the next. I drew every night. The images of the summer poured out of me, onto paper. The day before Ty was due back, I took twine and wrapped the drawings in the brown string, sticking little pieces of wildflowers into the bow. I left them on his steps, a little rock on one corner of the papers to hold them down.

  Ty, theoretically, had come back this morning. I hadn’t contacted him, even though it pained me not to. Instead I was standing here, about to go on a run
and burn off this restless energy after working this morning. Besides the time I ran with Ty, I had also gone out in the early morning by myself. Over the summer, my endurance had increased and now I wasn’t as winded. The first hill only seemed like a minor speed bump in the scheme of things.

  I took off, steadying my pace and taking in the ever-changing landscape. It was crazy how over the summer, so many different plants and wildflowers bloomed. I had to buy a whole book on it so I could come back and identity what I saw, drawing it by memory. My sketchbook was full of drawings. This was an artist’s paradise.

  The time flew by, I was running and found myself at the end of the run I usually did. I was still anxious though. I needed to keep moving. The trail veered off to the right or kept going. Times before, Ty had said if you went to the right, there was a hot springs up there, but you had to look really close for it, or you would miss the spot where you got off the trail.

  Glancing at my watch showed I still had a few hours before I would lose the light of the sun. Ty’s words rushed in my mind, one step in front of another, and that’s all it took for me to take the path to the right.

  The forest was full of lodge pole pines, tall and skinny trees, and Ty said in order to find the user trail for the hot spring, you had to look for the willow bush on the left side of the trail. Below the willow would be a small circle of rocks. It was the marker others had made.

  I ran for maybe half a mile, when I started to slow down. I scanned the trail until I finally saw the willow bush. Below it was the rocks and you could tell there was a little worn path next to it. Each step off the trail led me deeper in the trees and vegetation. I could hear water and followed the sound, curving around the groups of trees. The sun was falling behind the mountains and I was cooling off from my run, the sweat drying on my skin. Pushing aside another large bush, I found what I was looking for. It was tucked away, a pool of hot water with little bubbles of springs coming up from the ground. There was a small waterfall and as I leaned down running my fingers over the crystal clear water, I found the water hot to the touch.