I should have known it was too good to be true.
It happened right before I left for school, right before I decided to take my dad up on his offer. Things had been good, great even. Derek seemed to look at me a little longer than necessary, or his hand would linger after giving me a hug.
I’d just gotten Rory, and Derek was letting me keep her at his place since my dad didn’t want her in his house. I told Derek I was searching for another place to live, but really I was trying to work up the courage to ask him if I could move in with him. It felt a bit weird given all the feelings I was having, but he’d been looking for a roommate after my brother moved in with Alara, and I’d needed a place to live. My father’s offer to get me into Dartmouth had been so far back in my mind it was almost as if he’d never suggested it. And then it happened…
Alara and I had spent the day together, grabbing lunch and seeing a movie, and when we were done we went back to her new place with my brother.
My heart beat faster when I noticed Derek’s truck in the driveway. I discreetly checked my makeup and fixed my hair before we stepped out of the car and started up the walkway to the house. Suddenly we heard a commotion behind us and we both turned. A little old man across the street had been attempting to put his trash out at the curb, but the bin had tipped, dumping bags onto the sidewalk.
“Gabe’s told him to ask us for help. But he’s too stubborn for his own good.” Alara shook her head and handed her keys to me. “Here, you go on in and I’ll be in in a minute.”
She was already walking away when I asked, “You’re sure you don’t need help?”
I could practically hear her eye roll. “I’m sure,” she teased.
Truthfully I was stalling. Ever since I’d acknowledged how much I liked Derek, how much I cared about him, every encounter felt momentous. Like at any time we could decide to flip the script and become something more. No looking back.
I took a deep breath before unlocking the door and pushing it open. The sounds of a video game immediately greeted me. I laughed under my breath, unsurprised. Derek and Gabe loved playing video games.
I left the door open and set the keys on the server before quietly making my way down the hall. I was just about to step around the corner when I heard the end of Gabe’s question
“… have a thing for my sister?”
Derek started coughing before he choked on a laugh. “What?”
I didn’t know you could inflect so much disbelief into a single word.
“Do you have feelings for Sam?”
I stood frozen against the wall. My hands pressed against my chest like they were stopping my heart from bursting out of my ribcage and landing in Derek’s hands. Honestly, it felt like he already had it.
“She’s my friend,” he said slowly.
“And that’s it?”
Was it?
Had I imagined everything?
“Because you seem to hang out with her a lot and you’re always offering to help her—”
“Of course I am,” Derek cut him off. “She’s your sister. What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t watch out for your little sister?”
“So there’s nothing—”
“No.” The word was so sharp I could feel it piercing my heart. “Sam’s just a kid.”
Kid.
Kid.
Kid.
The word chased me as I quickly, but still quietly, walked back down the hallway to the front door. I stood in the open doorway and watched Alara cross the street. I clenched my jaw and tried not to cry. It was stupid.
I was stupid.
How could I ever think he would see me as anything other than Gabe’s kid sister?
Alara stopped in front of me and studied my expression with more awareness than I was comfortable with. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” I stepped back and made sure to slam the door when we were both on the other side. Alara lifted her eyebrows in response. “Sorry. It slipped.”
She shrugged it off and we walked into the living room. The boys had paused the game, and Gabe immediately jumped up when he saw Alara. She laughed as he grabbed her waist and pulled her in for a quick kiss.
“Hey, Sam.” Derek stood up too, with bright eyes and a wide smile.
I frowned as I looked him over. How could I have been so wrong? I really thought…
When he got close enough and went to hug me, I quickly stepped back. His eyes dimmed and his lips turned down. “What’s wrong?”
“I think I might be coming down with something.” I coughed into my hand—it was pathetic and probably fooled no one, but I had to do something. I couldn’t let him touch me right now.
“Why didn’t you say something earlier?” Alara asked with concern.
“It’s not bad or anything. Just… a feeling.”
A feeling?
Jesus.
I had to get out of here.
“Maybe my hug will be the magic cure,” Derek teased, grin firmly back in place.
Ten minutes ago I’d have thought he was flirting with me. I’d have rolled my eyes and appeared outwardly unaffected, but inside I’d have been blushing and stammering. Now, my heart sank. Because I knew that even though he was flirting, it had nothing to do with me. It was probably a side effect of being a bartender. Making everyone feel special, important.
But I wasn’t. I was just like everybody else.
Derek made a move to hug me again, but I backed away until I bumped into the wall. Three sets of eyes stared at me, bewildered and worried. But Derek’s also held hurt and if I wasn’t mistaken, fear.
“Sorry. I… I’m going to go. I really don’t feel well.”
I wasn’t even lying at that point. My stomach was aching and I could feel a pressure building behind my eyes.
Now I understood why they were called crushes. Because the feelings were seldom returned, and all that was left was this crushing pressure on your chest, threatening to crack your heart for the very first time.
The next day I told my father I wanted to go to Dartmouth, and within the week I was accepted and packed to go. I was convinced Derek wouldn’t even notice I was gone.
Blinking out of the memory, I decided enough was enough and climbed out of the car. I had no reason to hide. So I’d had a crush on my brother’s best friend. He didn’t feel the same. I left. Now I was back. End of story.
I paused outside of Pick Your Poison for a moment before reaching out to grab the skull-shaped handle and pulling the door open. It was a Friday night so it was busy, but I still found Derek right away.
He was behind the bar, talking and laughing, moving from one patron to another. Derek turned his body around and reached for a bottle, his eyes still on the customer. Just as he made contact with the glass, his gaze caught on mine. That was the only way to describe it: I was caught, trapped and powerless to look elsewhere. Pulling his hand back, he stared at me, shock plain on his face. His arm came down sans alcohol.
“Sam?” he asked, as if he were seeing a ghost or coming out of a dream. Then, all at once, he was awake. “Holy shit, Sam!” His booming voice drew the attention of many as he moved out from behind the bar and jogged toward me.
Once close enough, he pulled me into a bone-crushing hug, one that felt far too good as his large arms engulfed me. “What the hell are you doing here?” he asked, his excitement clear to hear, and when he pulled away the affection in his eyes was plain to see.
I let out a breath, grateful this wasn’t awkward. But why would it be? I was a kid in his eyes.
My heart sank at the freshly picked memory. Putting on a brave face, I said, “I’m back. I’m home.”
Grinning, he responded, “No shit. But for how long? Just the summer?”
“For good,” I answered, very aware of the numerous sets of eyes still on us.
“What?” His expression dropped and he swallowed roughly.
“I’m moving back here.”
All of a sudden, it was awkward. He seemed… sca
red? Relieved? Happy? Pissed? I couldn’t tell. I saw all those emotions float across his expression before it simply settled back into shock.
“Sam!” I heard my brother call, forcing me to rip my eyes away from Derek.
I found him sitting at one of the round tables in the back. There were six chairs, four of which were occupied. Gabe was sitting next to Alara, who was seated next to Sherry—a friend she and Naomi met in college—and then Sherry’s boyfriend, Hunter.
“Are you joining us after your shift?” I asked Derek.
“Uhh… yeah.”
Derek still hadn’t regained his cool demeanor, and again, I wasn’t sure what to make of that. So I just gave him a small smile before backing away and walking toward my brother. Toward safety.
Only two minutes in his presence, and I was already coming undone.
This isn’t good at all…
I spent the rest of my shift in a silent panic.
The customers were none the wiser, and neither were my friends. But Sam’s sudden appearance, and learning she was back to stay, was making me uncomfortably anxious.
Things had been so unsettled when she left. I still felt the shock from when she had told me she was moving. Now she was back and I was… what?
I didn’t have a clue.
I had one straggling customer and then I could join my friends. The cowardly part of me hoped he’d be here all night.
“Hey.” I looked up to see Sherry sliding onto a stool in front of me. Before I could say anything, she added, “So Sam’s back.”
I narrowed my eyes. Of everyone we knew, Sherry was the only one who knew about my feelings. I never overtly came out and said anything, but we’d danced around the subject enough for her to know.
We had a tight-knit group of friends, almost familial, but Sherry and I were best friends. We’d just clicked. At first Naomi hated it, partly because she believed we were sleeping together. It hadn’t helped that we joked around about it—pissing her off was too much fun. But there was never anything there. Sherry was like another sister to me, just like Alara was since she was Naomi’s best friend growing up.
“Yep,” I finally responded. I didn’t look at her as I continued drying the bar glasses.
“And you’re completely fine?” she challenged.
“Honestly, I can’t believe she made it a year at Dartmouth. It was never what she wanted.” I still couldn’t believe she let her father talk her into it.
“Look, I know you’re not going to admit you’re hurt—not even to me. You’ll keep up this fake BS about being fine. But I can tell. It hurt you when Sam left. When she decided to leave.”
I stood frozen, my hands hovering over the glass rack. She was right—I wouldn’t admit it. But I also wouldn’t deny it. It had hurt. It hurt when she left. It hurt that she never tried to talk to me after she did. It hurt when she got a boyfriend—fuck had that hurt. This whole last year just fucking hurt. It more than sucked—it was the worst year of my life.
And I was completely aware that I sounded like a preteen girl who was just dumped after dating a guy for only a week, but it was the truth.
It was just one thing after another. Things kept going wrong. But losing Sam—who hadn’t even been mine—stood out above everything else.
I gripped the rag tighter.
It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that the one person I’d wanted—when I’d spent my whole life never concerned about finding anyone—was a person I couldn’t have.
I’d spent almost a year being tortured by her.
Seventeen. Gabe’s sister. Seventeen. Gabe’s sister.
Those words had been in my head on repeat for that entire time. But they hadn’t been enough to block out the images. Slender neck. Toned legs. Flat stomach. Soft brown hair. Full lips. Bright hazel eyes. The freckle she had right under her jaw, up by her ear.
I could go on a lot longer and in a lot more detail. But the more I thought about all the things that made her perfect, the more tempted I was to look over at her.
Once I’d exhausted all I could possibly do, I had no other choice but to join my friends. And naturally the only empty seat was between Sam and Gabe.
I shot her a flirty grin—because everything was completely normal—before flipping the chair around. My legs straddled the seat and I folded my arms along the back. “What are we talking about?” I asked. God, anything to get my mind off the girl next to me.
“Our douchebag father,” Gabe muttered.
Alara sighed. “The way your dad meddled in our relationship was shitty—”
“He threatened to send Sam away for her senior year of high school in order to break us up,” he cut in. “It was more than shitty.” Gabe lifted his bottle of beer and drained it. “And now he’s cutting her off and kicking her out of the house.”
“What?” I barked out, my head snapping Sam’s way.
“It was time I left anyways,” she mumbled, reaching for her drink.
“Not like that—”
“It’s okay for her to want a relationship with your dad,” Alara cut him off, reaching over to grab his hand.
“If you say so.” He kissed the back of her hand to soften his gruff words.
“Can we talk about something else? Anything else?” Sam asked.
I felt a kick under the table and looked up to see Sherry staring at me, raising her eyebrows meaningfully. I knew what she was thinking. She was thinking about how I had been planning to ask Sam to move in a year ago, when Gabe had been leaving to settle down with Alara and Sam was getting sick of her father’s house.
Add that to the fact that Sherry was just as peeved about my roommate situation as Naomi, and it didn’t take a genius to figure out her thoughts.
“You should move in with Derek,” Sherry threw out. My eyes flared, and even though I was tempted to kick her back, I wouldn’t do something that could potentially hurt her.
“What?” Sam asked, her equally wide eyes coming to mine.
“Derek has the worst roommate right now—”
“Hey. He’s not that bad.”
Sherry lifted her hands in surrender. “Okay, he’s not. He’s actually pretty nice. But he and his girlfriend are loud. So it’s perfect timing. Plus Rory is already used to living there.”
I looked at Gabe and he shrugged. “It’s not a bad idea. It’ll almost be like she was rooming with me.”
Great. Perfect. I’m practically getting called her brother…
“But…” Sam trailed off.
“Do you have any better ideas?” Sherry asked. Her grin widened when she was met with silence. “That’s what I thought.”
Hunter smiled at his girlfriend, completely infatuated. A year reunited and they still hadn’t left the honeymoon phase. After everything they went through, I imagined it would take a lot to disturb their relationship now.
“I haven’t discussed anything with Simon yet. He could be planning to stay.”
“But if he’s not?” Sam asked, her head tilted down, almost as if she felt shy about asking. “Could I room with you?”
This didn’t seem like a good idea. At. All. In fact, it seemed like a terrible idea. But I couldn’t say no. This was Sam. And no matter how much her actions last year hurt, I’d never have it in me to turn her away. I’d suffer through anything so long as it meant she was happy and safe. Which meant there was only one answer…
“Of course,” I finally said with a smile.
Gabe and Alara started talking more animatedly with my maybe-new roommate, and Sherry wore a shit-eating grin.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Despite knowing this was the right thing to do, I couldn’t help but wonder what I’d gotten myself into. I mean, what good could possibly come from rooming with my insanely hot friend who I’d fantasized about for two years?
October 19, 2016
Mom,
I should stop writing you. I know I should. You’ve been dead for over a year, yet I can’t bring myself to do it. To put this p
en down. To continue living my life without trying to make you part of it. So here’s another letter, another piece of my life I wish you were here to experience with me…
I’ve met someone. I think. He’s… well, I don’t know what he is. I’ve never quite met anyone like him. He’s Gabe’s new roommate and I find myself coming up with reasons to go over there. To see him. Even though I’m pretty sure he doesn’t see me.
I’m only seventeen. He’s twenty-four. There’s so much about our lives that are different. And yet I feel better around him. He helps me forget I’m hurting. That I’m lonely and afraid. That I miss you so much I can’t breathe.
I know I was never the type to talk about boys. You hated that, remember? You always wanted to gossip and I never gave you that. It wasn’t because I didn’t find guys cute. I did. But none of them felt like enough of a reason to spend our precious time on. That sounds kind of harsh. I don’t mean for it to. It’s simply the truth.
Derek—that’s his name btw—is worth the time. And now you’re not here. He makes me feel things and I don’t know what they mean, and you’re not here to tell me.
Would I still feel this sense of peace with him if you were still here? Is my interest in him purely because he’s one of the first people to show genuine affection toward me since you left?
Gabe and Dad can’t look at me. They think I don’t know, but I do. They look at me and see you. A poor man’s you.
Why you?
Why not me?
You had more of a life than I did. Sometimes I felt like your shadow. And what’s a shadow without its person? Who am I without you?
Everything that reminds me of you hurts.
Derek is something new. Fresh. Untainted.
Is that why I feel this way? Would any guy who paid me attention make me feel this way? I need to know and you’re not here to tell me. You’re not here.
I think I would have liked him, even before. I think you’d like him too.
Unveiling Hope Page 4
