My eyes were closed and I was breathing deeply, trying to relax. But not even yoga was working for me anymore. Nothing was.
“Are we finally going to have a real practice today?” Derek asked.
And that definitely isn’t helping.
I jumped and looked toward my doorway where he was standing. He looked extremely annoyed, eyebrows raised and lips pinched.
“We haven’t played for a full hour in two weeks. You wanted this. You asked me to do this with you and then you just disappear.”
Standing up, I said, “You’re right. I’m sorry. I’ve been busy—”
“Avoiding me.”
“No, I haven’t.”
He rolled his eyes. “Whatever. Are you coming?”
But he left before I could give him an answer. And now I was annoyed.
“Hey!” I snapped as I followed him out. “What’s your problem?”
“I don’t have one.” Derek picked up his guitar and sat on the couch. “I just want to practice.”
“Fine.”
“Fine.”
“Fine,” I repeated, gritting my teeth. We glared at each other while I put my keyboard in front of me.
Practice was horrible. We weren’t in sync. And it wasn’t comforting like it usually was. Notes were missed. Words were forgotten. Melodies were butchered.
Derek put his guitar down and set his clenched fists on his knees. “Tell me.”
“Tell you what?”
“Whatever you mysteriously wanted to talk about two weeks ago.”
I smoothed a hand over my hair. “I told you it was nothing.”
“And I’m calling bullshit. I’m sick of walking on eggshells in my own apartment. I’m sick of knowing what you’re trying to say and having to wait for you to have the balls to fucking say it.”
Paling, I sputtered, “Y-you know?”
“I’m not stupid. Like I said, I’m just waiting for you stop taking the coward’s way out like you usually do and tell me.”
“Wait.” I shook my head and stood up. “The coward’s way out? Like I usually do?”
He rose too. “Yeah. Like how you only went to Dartmouth to please your father. How you quit your music. You practically quit your whole damn life!”
“Because my mother died!” I shouted. Derek’s eyes softened and his shoulders fell, his anger melting away as quickly as mine. “And I know it was years ago, but it doesn’t stop. Losing her never stops. I lose her every day. Every second. And I didn’t want to lose my dad too.”
I threw my arms out. “You’re right. I did what other people wanted because I was afraid no one would love and support me like she did. So yeah, I was a coward. But I came back. I left school and moved in with you. My father cut me off and I haven’t spoken to him in almost a month. And you know what I realized? Nothing really feels different because he never talked to me much anyway. Even when I lived there.” Shrugging, I crossed my arms and slumped down, sitting on the arm of the chair.
“Your brother supported you. I supported you. We wanted you here, but you left without even asking anyone how they’d feel if you were gone.”
I grunted. “Oh, I knew how you felt.”
“Did you? Are you psychic?”
Shaking my head, I stood up to walk to my room. But he stopped me by grabbing my arm and turning me to face him. He gently shook me. “How’d I feel, Sam? What was I thinking? Because I guarantee you, you don’t have a fucking clue.”
We stood frozen, our chests heaving with anger as we stared at one another. His gaze moved over my face and my eyes fell to his lips, then to his throat.
I swallowed roughly, watching his Adam’s apple bob. My heart was pounding and my palms were sweating.
Derek’s grip on my arm tightened, almost to the point of pain. Our heavy breaths filled the otherwise silent room.
I felt too much while at the same time I felt nothing at all. The lips I’d been dreaming about, the mouth I’d been craving, were so close. Everything else felt like a tease in comparison.
“Fuck it,” he said. My eyes jumped to his right before he pulled me into his arms and slammed his mouth against mine.
Fucking finally.
This was exactly how I thought our first kiss would be. I knew it wouldn’t be soft or gentle. The kiss was hard and demanding, almost punishing.
Why the hell did we wait this long?
Sam moaned into my mouth, her hands coming up to my shoulders. Through my shirt, her nails bit into my skin as she tightened her grip. For a second I couldn’t tell whether she was going to push me away or pull me closer. Then her arms wound around my neck and her hands dove into my hair, bringing her body flush against mine.
One of my palms slid under her thigh, prompting her to wrap her leg around my waist. My hips fit perfectly against hers and she immediately rolled her pelvis into mine.
I stumbled forward until her back hit the wall behind her. I couldn’t think straight. All I knew was my lips were finally on Sam’s. Nothing else mattered.
We were hands, teeth, and tongues.
My lips left hers, moving down her throat until they rested on her collarbone.
“Derek…” Her moans filled the room as I skimmed my hands up her sides and pinned her shoulders to the wall.
“Fuck,” I grunted.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
She still had a boyfriend. What the hell was I doing?
With my hands balled into fists, I stepped back. My lips were tingling and my skin felt electrified everywhere she had touched.
“I’m sorry.” Shaking my head, I wrapped my hands around the back of my neck and squeezed. I stared at Sam. Her eyes were wide and her chest rose and fell rapidly. I waited for her to say something, to correct me and tell me I had nothing to be sorry for.
But she remained silent.
And before she could tell me it had all been a giant mistake, I turned around and left.
A grunt at the end of the bar drew my attention.
“Yessir?” I asked as I approached the old man.
“I’ll take another,” he said, lifting his empty glass and giving the few ice cubes a shake. Joe was a regular. Every single day, like clockwork, he came in at 12:45 p.m. and ordered a Dewar’s on the rocks. On good days, he would order two or three. On bad days, it’d be five or six. Today was shaping up to be a bad one as I walked behind the bar and poured him his fourth drink.
“Here ya go,” I said, sliding it over. “Anything else? A sandwich maybe?” I didn’t know why I felt responsible for this man, maybe because he didn’t seem to have anyone else. He’d never listened to me before when I suggested getting some food in him, but thankfully he never put up a fight when I called for a cab at the end of his “lunch.”
“Not today, son.”
Nodding and saying nothing else, I made my way to the other end where I started polishing the glasses from our lunch shift. The monotonous task did nothing to distract me.
I kissed Sam. She kissed me back.
And afterward, when I got scared, once again I’d let my fear rule me. I left before I could get a real answer. It was exactly the same as when I’d stopped playing music or going after anything I wanted in life. I settled, exactly like Naomi said I did.
I was shaking my head at myself when I heard a familiar voice.
“Hey, stranger.”
Sighing, I looked up at her. She wasn’t who I wanted to see. “Hey, Lauren. How are you?”
She shrugged as she slid onto the stool. “Can’t complain. You?”
“Yeah, I’m good,” I said with a smile.
Her narrowed eyes roamed my face before she responded. “Bull.”
“Excuse me?”
“I call bull. Something is obviously bothering you. And since I know you don’t openly share, I’m probably going to have to drag it out of you, aren’t I?”
I shook my head. “What are you even doing here?”
Lauren’s teasing expression dropped. Her lips dipped down and her eyes were wounded
. “We were friends once, Derek. I know… I know everyone thinks I’m in love with you or whatever, and yes, I won’t deny I still feel something. But before we got together, we were friends. Real friends. I miss that.” She sighed and stood up. “I guess you don’t. I’ll leave you alone.”
“Wait, wait,” I said, reaching out and grabbing her arm. “Don’t go. I’m sorry I was an ass.”
“I know sleeping together a few months ago was a mistake, Derek,” she whispered. “I know it had nothing to do with me. I know you were hurting. You probably didn’t even know it was me.”
“Lauren—”
“No, no. Don’t say anything. I know you wouldn’t intentionally hurt me. That’s why you’ve been putting up with me, right? Maybe I was foolish, thinking we could be friends. But I had to try. You were there for me when no one else was.”
“Lauren, I didn’t mean it. You are my friend. It’s been a bad day. Or not bad exactly, just… confusing.”
She sat back down, smiling softly. “You can tell me, Derek.”
I blew out a breath. I didn’t have much to lose at this point, and I couldn’t exactly confide in my sister or any of our friends. Maybe Sherry, but she’d just become more determined to play matchmaker.
“It’s about Sam,” I started. She raised her brows, waiting. “I kissed her.” I carefully watched for any sign that she was uncomfortable. I may not have been interested in Lauren, but she was right. We had been friends, and I didn’t want to intentionally hurt her.
“Really?” she asked with a smile.
I let out a breath of relief. “Yeah.”
“That doesn’t sound like a problem.”
“She has a boyfriend.”
“Oh. Shit.”
“Yeah.” I gave up pretending to be busy and tossed the rag on the counter.
“Well what happened after the kiss? What’d she say?”
“Nothing. And before she could tell me it was a mistake, I left.”
Lauren rolled her eyes. “Jesus. Be a man and admit what you want. Put your goddamn pride and fear aside, and tell Sam the truth. Tell her how you feel. She’s not a mind reader.” She tapped her fingers on the counter before continuing, “I know you never wanted me. And wipe that frown off your mouth—I’m not saying that to make you feel bad. That’s just how it is. But I’ve seen you want things. And I know your MO. You get scared and decide that not even trying is safer than trying and failing, or trying and being rejected.”
I stood, stunned, thinking about how eerily similar her words were to Naomi’s. Before I could respond, a coworker walked over and told me that Mick, our boss, needed to see me in the back about a conflict in scheduling.
“This conversation isn’t over,” Lauren called to my back as I walked down the hall toward his office.
I knew it wasn’t over. It was a conversation I’d been having with myself for almost two years.
I sat around the apartment all morning and halfway into the afternoon before I couldn’t take it anymore. It was nearly two o’clock and Derek didn’t get off for another two hours. Knowing the bar would be slow at this time, I decided to visit him.
The kiss had been both expected and a complete surprise; predictable because we’d been dancing around our feelings for weeks—maybe even years—and shocking because despite all my hopes, I wasn’t sure we would ever kiss. I had no idea what he was thinking, but I needed answers.
Maybe it would be less awkward in a public place. We definitely couldn’t end up in a compromising position if we were out in public. At least that was what I told myself as my shaky hands pulled open the door to Pick Your Poison.
My steps slowed when I saw Lauren sitting at the bar. I’d only seen her that one time outside of Caffeine IV, but I was pretty sure it was her. Derek hadn’t mentioned her since that night he yelled at John and stormed out, and he hadn’t snuck out in the last two weeks either.
I slowly walked up and sat down a few chairs away from her. The only other occupants were a lonely-looking old man and a young couple down at the other end. Derek was nowhere in sight.
Lauren made me uneasy. Especially now that Derek and I had kissed.
“Sam?” she asked. I jumped a little and turned her way. She smiled brightly before bringing her beer bottle to her lips and downing the last of it. “You’re Sam, right?”
“Uh yeah.”
“I’m Lauren.” I nodded and looked down the bar where another worker was speaking to the old man.
“Derek should be back out in a minute.” Lauren’s voice was closer when she spoke again. I turned back and she was standing next to me. “Will you tell him I said goodbye?” she asked as she reached into her purse, pulling out a ten and dropping it by her empty drink.
“Sure,” I said slowly, trying not to show how uncomfortable and confused I felt.
Lauren started walking away but quickly stopped herself. “I’ve known Derek for a long time.” I smiled but it felt thin and brittle, easily broken with the right words. “I thought he was the one for a while.”
My heart was pounding furiously in my chest, my mouth dry and my hands nearly shaking.
Lauren gently laid her hand on my shoulder. “But with the first word he spoke about you, I knew that wasn’t the case. And I saw the way he stared at you at the coffee shop that day. That was all it took. I’ve never seen Derek look at anyone that way. The closest I’ve ever seen to that expression in his eyes is when he plays or when he talks about his music. It was only a handful of times, mainly when he had been drinking, but I saw this kind of peace envelop him. It was… I don’t think there are even words for it.”
I knew what she meant. Derek looked so content when he played.
“He looks at you that way. But with more… something.” She shook her head. “I don’t really know how to explain it. I probably sound crazy.”
“No,” I whispered, hanging on every word. Did she have any idea how much this meant to me? I knew what music meant to Derek, what it meant to me, and to hear from someone else that his feelings for me were in the same category? It meant everything.
“Good. I’m happy for you guys.”
“Happy?” I asked. I had been so focused on the joy in my heart, I hadn’t considered the pain in hers. But it didn’t appear she had any. How was that possible if she’d been so sure of him for so long?
“Yeah. Because I’ve never looked at him like that either.” Lauren lifted her hand and pushed a piece of hair behind her ear, appearing nervous. “I don’t know if he told you about how I grew up, but it wasn’t a happy home. My parents fought constantly. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a healthy, functional relationship in my life. I didn’t believe it possible. But seeing you two… it makes me hopeful that someone like that is out there for me.”
“I’m sure there is.” She was smiling, wide and one hundred percent genuine, and I couldn’t help but return it. Then I remembered what else she said.
“But we’re not in a relationship yet.” I rubbed at a spot behind my ear, the warmth in my belly turning painful when I thought of John. “I’m technically still seeing someone else.”
Lauren smiled. “The heart isn’t ruled by technicalities. It’ll work itself out.”
“I hope so.”
“I know so.” She winked and turned toward the door.
“Thank you,” I called out to her. Lauren looked back and gave me a soft smile.
I let out a deep breath as she left and I turned on my stool, feeling a lot better about my impending conversation with Derek.
After a few more minutes, I decided to slip out before he came back out. Lauren’s words were enough assurance to hold me over until he got home.
January 1, 2017
Mom,
He almost kissed me. I think he almost kissed me.
This is the kind of thing I would have talked to you about. I would have run home and crawled into bed with you. We would have laughed until we were breathless. You would have said, Of course he was going to kis
s you. Any man would be lucky to have you. I’d have blushed, but secretly hoped you were right. Except you’re not here. There’s no one to run home to. No one to laugh with. No one to tell me if he really was about to kiss me, or if I was just imagining it. I don’t think I was. I think he was going to kiss me. And I wish, I really really wish… you were here so I could tell you I think he was going to kiss me.
I’m a little scared about what this all means. I’m still in high school and he’s seven years older. Plus he’s Gabe’s best friend. I shouldn’t have been thinking about him and his lips at all. But it’s so much more than his lips—it’s how he makes me feel. You know I never had many friends, and after you died, I had even less. No one wanted to be around someone who was sad all the time. It sucked, but I got it. Derek never makes me feel that way. He lets me be sad. He lets me miss you without making me feel bad, like I should be over it by now.
Last night he and Gabe were hosting a small New Year’s Eve party at their apartment. Gabe and Alara left early, but I assured them I’d be fine. When it was five minutes to midnight, I snuck out to the balcony. I didn’t know anyone else and people seemed to be pairing off. I hadn’t even bothered to look for Derek because I didn’t want to see who he was with. I disappeared, convinced no one would notice. He came looking for me though. He wouldn’t let me disappear, no matter how hard I’d tried. In fact, he’s bringing me back to life.
And when the countdown began, I held my breath. Derek never looked away from me. Cheers erupted everywhere and he leaned closer. His mouth was lined up with mine. It couldn’t have been anything other than a kiss, right? But at the last second, he turned his head, pulling me into a hug instead. “Happy New Year, Sam,” he whispered in my ear.
That was almost a kiss, right? I hope it was. Hope is a beautiful thing, but it’s definitely dangerous.
Maybe tomorrow will feel different.
I love you.
I miss you.
Forever,
Unveiling Hope Page 12
