“I’m fine. I—”
He pulled me into a hug. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, his hands rubbing up and down my back. “I don’t know what I was thinking.”
I didn’t know what to say so I stayed quiet. When he pulled back he turned to the man who’d stepped in and held out his hand. “Hey, man.”
“Hi.” He looked between us. “Are you good?”
“Yeah.” Derek sighed and faced me. “Sam, this is Nevada. Nevada, Sam.”
Nevada and I shook hands and exchanged nice-to-meet-yous. But everything was tense, and I was too busy freaking out to pay attention to the few words the two friends exchanged.
Before I knew it we were walking back out and driving home. We’d been there less than twenty minutes, and yet a lot of things felt different.
What other aspects of Derek didn’t I know?
She hadn’t said one word.
I wasn’t sure what I was expecting, but her silence unnerved me.
“I’m sorry,” I said helplessly when we finally walked through the door.
She sighed, sounding exhausted. “I’m going to bed.”
“Okay. I’ll be in—”
“In my room. Alone.”
My stomach sank. We had only been together one night, but after years of waiting being apart at all was the last thing I wanted. “Sam…”
“I’m tired.”
“But—”
“We’ll talk in the morning,” she said as she turned from me and walked down the hall. Her eyes met mine before she softly shut her bedroom door.
With a sigh, I dropped myself on the couch. Rory jumped up and started licking my face. I smiled a little, but after a few minutes I shoved her away. She pouted and trotted over to her dog bed in the corner.
I lay in silence, staring at the ceiling, for thirty minutes before I got up and walked down the hall.
Slowly opening Sam’s door, I peered inside. She was lying on her back and her head turned toward me, our eyes locking.
“Hey,” I said softly, hovering in the doorway. I wanted to talk to her, to wrap my arms around her and let her feel how sorry I was, but I never wanted her to think I wasn’t taking her feelings seriously. And wasn’t that exactly what barging in would do? It would imply she had no right to feel whatever she was feeling, or that my feelings were somehow more important than hers, and they weren’t.
I let out a breath of relief when Sam scooted over and lifted her comforter up. I practically ran to the bed. She was smiling when I slipped under the covers.
“Were you worried about the monsters under the bed getting to you?” she teased.
“I was worried you’d change your mind.”
Her expression softened.
We both turned on our sides at the same time. Her hands were in a prayer-like pose, resting under her cheek. One of my arms was bent and my head rested in the crook of my elbow. My other hand lay on the bed between us, itching to reach out to her.
“I’m sorry.”
“You already said that.” She didn’t sound angry, but she didn’t sound too encouraging either.
“I shouldn’t have brought you. It was too dangerous.” When she’d asked earlier, the words wouldn’t come. And I thought maybe if she saw it she’d understand the full magnitude of how fucked up I was. Deep down there was a small—and apparently self destructive—part of me that wanted her to know she could do better than me.
I’d warned Nevada about bringing women there, and yet I did it. And if that wasn’t bad enough, I’d left her alone.
With a sigh, Sam removed one of her hands from under her head and brought it to my eyebrow. She lightly traced the faint scar I had there. “This wasn’t here last year.”
Grabbing her hand, I stopped her. I wasn’t sure if it would be welcome, but I took my chances anyway and brought her palm to my lips, placing a gentle kiss in the center.
“I got it during a fight a couple months ago,” I murmured into her skin.
“How long have you been fighting?” she asked.
“Since I was seventeen. We needed the money and it was an easy way to get some.” I paused. “That was also when I stopped playing music.”
Sam’s eyes grew wide. She waited for me to continue. When I didn’t, she whispered, “You can trust me.”
I blew out a breath. “I do. I know you wouldn’t say anything.”
She lowered her hand and placed it against my chest. “There’s more than one kind of trust, Derek. It’s not solely about keeping something safe from other people. Trust me to hold your pain. Trust that I’ll care about you despite the mistakes you’ve made.”
Easier said than done.
But then I thought about all she’d revealed about her mother. Had that only been a few weeks ago? It felt like a lifetime; so much had changed.
That certainly wasn’t easy for Sam. But she gave it to me anyway. She trusted me with her pain. And while it may not have been something stupid like mine, Sam hated showing that much vulnerability. Yet she gave it to me anyway.
Rolling away, I fell to my back and stared at the ceiling. I didn’t want to see her expression when I told her. “I was arrested for assault and fucked my hand up pretty bad.”
“What happened?”
“One time I came home to find one of my mom’s ex-boyfriends wailing on her.” I heard Sam’s quick intake of breath but kept going. “It was horrible. I don’t even… I still can’t remember it all. I flew into a rage. That haze of red people talk about? It’s real. I charged at him and pulled him off with more strength than I thought I was capable of. He immediately tried to get away. I wanted to chase him down but my mom was whimpering, alternating between holding her wrist and her face. Her throat was already red from where he choked her.”
I shut my eyes against the memory. One of the worst of my fucking life.
“But… you were defending her. How could they possible arrest you for that?” Sam asked in disbelief.
“Because I went after him. A couple days later I tracked him down and beat the crap out of him. Defense is only applicable to present danger. Since my mom was safe and tucked away in a hospital bed, it wasn’t defense. It was revenge. It was a crime.”
“It doesn’t seem right.”
Opening my eyes, I turned Sam’s way. “It was though. It was revenge, plain and simple. Going after him was stupid, and things could have ended up a lot worse. What if he hadn’t been alone? What if he’d had a gun or a knife? What if I’d gone to prison? It was reckless and foolish.”
“And fighting in an underground ring wasn’t?” she asked. There was no hostility in her voice, just a need to understand.
“Things have gotten shadier over the last year or so, but it wasn’t always like that. Obviously it was never one hundred percent safe, but I never felt like I was in danger there. And like I said, we needed the cash. Mom was using, Naomi needed things. It was a quick way to make money.”
Sam worried her bottom lip before freeing it to ask, “And you didn’t miss playing?”
“Honestly? It felt like a sign. I couldn’t play for a while after I fucked my hand up, and then I met someone who told me about the underground ring. Things just fell into place. We needed money and I was so fucking angry all the time. More angry than anyone knew.”
Tears of frustration welled, and I clenched my jaw to keep myself from crying. She waited while I composed myself.
“I love music, Sam. But there’s also a big part of me that hates it because it’s the reason my dad left. It’s the reason we weren’t enough to stick around for.”
She immediately shook her head. “No,” she said sternly. “Your father bailed. He did that. He decided to do that. And a coward who would run out on his family will find any excuse. But it’s not about the music or your mom or Naomi or you.” Her voice was stern, determined, like she believed convincing me was the most important thing she’d ever do. “It’s about him. It’s about the pathetic excuse of a man he is. It’s as simple as that. Y
ou got it?”
A ghost of smile pulled at my lips. “Yes, ma’am.”
Sam scooted closer until she was plastered against my side. Her legs tangled with mine and her arm curled on my chest, her fingers dipping into my T-shirt and softly brushing my skin.
“I understand why you feel embarrassed. But you don’t have to, not with me. Not about anything. Desperation rarely brings out the best in people. But it doesn’t mean it brought out the worst. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to support your family.” Her grip tightened on my shirt. “And I get it, Derek. I know you think I don’t. That I’ve never done anything worth being embarrassed about, like getting arrested or shit-faced or… whatever else teenagers do.”
“The fact that you can’t even name three things kind of proves that point,” I said lightly. I’d meant it to be a joke, but the way her frown deepened instantly had me regretting my words. “Sam—”
“That’s what I’m embarrassed about. What I regret,” she interrupted, looking up at me with tears in her eyes. “I don’t want to be that person who spends her life on the sidelines, wondering what if. I almost walked away from this, from easily the best thing that’s ever happened to me, because I was afraid.” She shook her head, and the emotion in her eyes would’ve knocked me on my ass if I wasn’t lying down. “God, that would’ve killed me, Derek.”
Wrapping one arm around her back and cradling her face with my other hand, I leaned down and kissed her. I stole those sweet words from her lips, and they tasted a lot like love. I slanted my mouth over hers and my tongue slipped inside, taking the kiss deeper. We rolled until Sam was on her back and I was above her.
Minutes later our clothes were gone. Seconds later I was inside her.
She was right. Missing out on this… missing her, would’ve killed me too.
After we came down from our pleasure, we were spooning, her back curled against my front. Sam held my arm over her stomach, lightly running her fingers up and down.
“It scared me, Derek. That’s why I shut down.”
Guilt pummeled my chest. “I’m so sorry, Sam. I never meant to put you in—”
“No.” She shook her head, her hair tickling my throat. “That’s not what I meant. I wasn’t scared for me. I was scared for you. I need you to care about what happens to you. Because I can’t… I can’t lose another person.” She paused, bringing my hand up and resting it over her heart. “I can’t lose you.”
“You won’t.” I pressed my palm deeper into her skin and kissed her neck.
Sam nodded as she burrowed deeper into my embrace. The time for talking was over.
I waited until she drifted off to sleep before I grabbed my phone and typed out a text to Tommy, the guy she’d met tonight who was pushing the ring into dangerous territory.
Me: I’m out. Pull me from the fights.
Tommy: It’s not that simple. You can’t leave
Me: I just did.
Tommy: The fight at the end of Nov is nonnegotiable.
Me: Fine. One more, but pull me from the rest.
I waited for a response but none ever came.
“You okay?” Sam mumbled as she woke briefly.
“Yeah, everything’s great,” I whispered, hoping like hell it wasn’t a lie.
I WAS ON MY tiptoes, my arms outstretched, trying to reach the pots above the stove, when I felt a warm body at my back. Frozen, I watched strong, tan arms wind around me and grab the pot I kept missing.
“Here you go,” Derek whispered, his breath hitting my cheek. His front was molded to my back and his arms cradled mine. I took it from his hands and turned around.
“Thank you.”
Smiling, he dropped a kiss on my lips before turning back to the sink. I stood there for a second, trying to absorb that this was my life now. I could kiss Derek Donahue whenever the hell I wanted.
It was the end of October, Halloween was just a few days away, and it had been a perfect two weeks. We were making an early dinner before Derek had to go to work. He was working the closing shift while I’d had an early one this morning. Days like this, when we passed through each other’s life for only a couple hours, were the worst. But we made the most of the time we had. We were only able to play for an hour before we had to start dinner. Derek complained, saying we could order pizza, but I wanted a real meal. Though it was great to see him so wrapped up in music.
We switched places when he finished washing the vegetables. Derek was cutting them up and I was rinsing the seasoning off my hands when my phone rang.
“Can you grab that?”
“It’s your dad,” Derek said as he held it out.
I cringed but quickly dried off my hands and answered. He would just keep calling.
“Hello?”
“You broke up with John.”
No hi or how are you? Just you broke up with John.
“I’m doing great, Dad. Thanks for asking.”
The silence that used to intimidate me, that made me wonder what I was doing wrong, was simply annoying now. When he didn’t respond to my sarcasm, I said, “Yes. I broke up with John. I wasn’t happy.”
“He didn’t treat you well?” he asked, a touch of unexpected concern to his voice.
“He treated me fine. But it wasn’t… I wasn’t happy.”
“John is set to take over his father’s company. He can provide for you.”
I turned away from Derek. “I can provide for myself.”
“Samantha—”
“Why can’t you just be happy for me? Why can’t you simply be grateful that I found someone who makes me happier than I thought possible?”
“Someone?” my dad asked, the hard edge back in his voice. “You left John for another man?”
Closing my eyes, I cringed. “Yes, Dad, I happen to be seeing someone new. But regardless of that fact, John and I weren’t a good fit.”
“And what does he do for a living?”
He barely got the question out before I yelled back at him. “What is wrong with you? Do you not hear yourself? You don’t ask how he treats me, you ask what his job is? You don’t see how horrible that is?” I shook my head and said, “Maybe Gabe was right about you.”
Perhaps there was no changing him. There was no inner goodness to be found.
“Maybe he was.” My father sighed before hanging up. I froze facing the wall.
Because it was moments like that, moments when he sounded sad and unsure, that had me questioning everything. A person—a father—wouldn’t be so despondent if they didn’t care, would they?
I couldn’t imagine it. But Gabe was right, too. I couldn’t keep holding on, hoping he’d one day reveal the part of him that did care.
“Sam?”
“Why do I still love him? After all he’s done and the little proof he’s offered as to him being a decent human being, why do I still have faith?” I asked, still staring at the wall.
Derek’s hands landed on my shoulders and he turned me around. Staring into my eyes, he said, “Probably the same reason I still loved my mom, even when she was doing drugs. We have no choice.”
“I don’t like how it makes me weak.”
His brows furrowed and he gently squeezed my upper arms. “Weak? How does it make you weak?” Before I could answer, he continued. “Anger is effortless. It’s a knee-jerk reaction to pain. That’s why people walk away, cool off, and come back to talk with level heads. Staying mad at someone is easy. To walk away and never look back is easy. It takes strength to put aside that anger and forgive someone. It takes courage to keep trying, not knowing if you’ll succeed.”
Derek lifted his hands and smoothed my hair back before softly kissing my lips. “You’re one of the strongest people I know, Sam. And even though I hate the things he’s said and done, and I’d like nothing more than to tell you to give up on him, you wouldn’t be you if you did.”
“But doesn’t there still have to be some sort of limit?”
“Sure. But no one gets to decide that but
you. And I’ll support you no matter what.”
Smiling, I lifted my arms and wrapped them around his neck. “Thank you, Derek. These last few weeks… I’ve felt better than I have in years. Like myself.” Tears welled in my eyes. “Like I did when my mom was alive.”
The room grew quiet as the words sank in. I never thought I’d get back to that kind of feeling.
“That’s what my dad doesn’t understand. John was nice, but he provided me with material things. You’ve given me something that’s priceless.”
Derek swallowed roughly. “That’s funny.” He gave me a small smile. “Because that’s exactly how I’d describe you: priceless.”
I sucked in a breath. The urge to tell him I loved him was overwhelming.
But I couldn’t. It was too soon; we’d only been seeing each other for little over a month.
Besides, the feelings I had for Derek felt too big for those three little words. They felt too big for any words.
So I lifted myself on my tiptoes and sealed my mouth over his, infusing all my love into a kiss, hoping he would hear what I couldn’t yet say.
Life was unpredictable.
For example, two days ago I was standing in our kitchen, listening to Sam argue with her father. Today we were standing on a beach in California.
“I can’t believe you got them to go,” Sam said as she leaned into my side.
I grinned and lightly ran my finger down her arm. “I can be very persuasive.”
“Clearly.” She returned my smile, throwing a quick glance to the couple down by the shore. I followed her stare.
But Gabe and Alara were standing next to each other and holding hands, so lost in their own world that they didn’t witness the semi-intimate moment between Sam and me.
When I got back from my shift the night before last, after Gabe had told me that Alara was stressed and needed a break, I approached Sam with the idea of getting out of town for a few days. And after the conversation she’d had with her dad, I thought she could use one too. It had to be some sort of miracle that all four of us were able to get the week off on such short notice.
Unveiling Hope Page 16
