by Mari Carr
Placing the cloth on his head, she gave him a dose of bubble gum-flavored medicine and curled up next to him.
Tommy lifted his arms, wrapping them around her neck and placing a soft kiss on her cheek. The same cheek his father had kissed less than half an hour ago, the same Jake had pressed his lips to two hours earlier.
Three men, three kisses.
God. She was fucked up.
Chapter Four
Josie’s Howl List—April
1. Sex with a stranger
2. Sex in public
3. Anal
4. Bondage
Josie looked at her phone. She’d found the number to Blue Moon in the phone book nearly half an hour earlier and since then, she’d been holding a stare-down with her cell. He’d warned her last time that if she came back again, he’d want more from her.
And she’d truly left Jake’s apartment last time swearing that was it. The end.
Then, as usual, she’d spent the last few weeks thinking of nothing but him. She’d started the New Year, feeling so optimistic, hopeful about her future. Instead, all she’d found was a mess of confusion, self-doubts and unending horniness.
No. That wasn’t true. The horniness was definitely alleviated after a few hours in Jake’s arms. Problem was it came back with a vengeance the next morning, wanting more of the sexy bartender.
Her Howl List lay next to the phone, taunting her.
This weekend’s full moon was bondage.
There was no way she was going to attempt that game with anyone she didn’t know. Unfortunately the list of male acquaintances she’d be willing to play with sexually was woefully short. In fact, it contained only one name.
Jake.
“Fuck it,” she muttered, picking up the phone and dialing before she could talk herself out of it.
“Hello.”
“Laura?” Josie knew there was only one person who would understand what she was going through.
“Hi, Josie. What are you doing calling me? I thought it was full-moon night.”
Josie grimaced. Her friends had told her on more than one occasion that they were living vicariously through her adventures. Their Thursday wine dates following the full moon were saved especially for her. She hadn’t disappointed them, filling them in on the details of the sexual games. But she’d always held back the more personal aspects, Jake’s compliments, the way he was tugging on her heartstrings, making her long for more than a casual affair.
“It is, but I think I’m getting cold feet this time.”
Laura sighed. “I’ll be there in two minutes.”
The phone disconnected and Josie laughed when—true to her word—Laura was standing outside her door one hundred and twenty seconds later.
“What’s wrong? I thought this full moon was in the bag. You said Jake invited you back.”
“He did, but he sort of attached some strings to it.”
“What sort of strings?”
Josie sank down onto her couch, while Laura claimed a nearby chair. “He wants to start dating me.”
Laura leaned back, nodding slowly. Josie had called the right friend. While Shelly would have squealed with delight over such a pronouncement, Laura understood the gravity of the situation.
Or at least, Josie thought she had until Laura asked, “So what’s holding you back?”
Josie reared back, surprised. “Everything. I just got out of the marriage from hell. I—”
“Two years ago,” Laura interrupted. “You’ve been divorced two years, Josie. It’s not like the ink just dried yesterday.”
Josie took a deep breath and forged on. “I really like him.”
Laura smiled. “Yeah. I kind of thought so from the way you light up when you talk about him.”
“Do you know how you meet someone and you just click? I’ve been on a few dates since the divorce and all of them were hard work—to make conversation, to find something in common, to endure a few lousy hours together even after you know you’re never going out with this guy again.”
“It’s not like that with Jake?”
Josie shook her head. “Not even close. I sat down at that bar and we started talking like we’d known each other our whole lives. It was nice.”
“So go out with him.”
“That’s not exactly the answer I was looking for.”
Laura laughed. “You know you’re not the only one who’s been taking some long hard looks in the mirror.”
“Your second chance?”
Laura nodded. “I thought I’d changed during the course of my marriage. I didn’t. Turns out I just forgot how to be happy.”
“And now you remember?”
Laura picked up a Matchbox car Tommy had left on the floor, toying with it absent-mindedly. “I’m getting there. What would make you happy, Josie? And take Tommy out of the equation. I know you want him to be happy, but the fact remains your son is going to leave you in about twelve years. That’s not as long as you may think.”
“Wow. That’s a depressing thought.”
Laura laughed. “But a true one. Tommy will graduate, go off to college or work, meet a girl and there you go. Mason and I built our lives around our kids and when they left, we realized we had nothing in common anymore. I may have been married, but I was still alone. I knew I didn’t want that so I left. I told myself it was because it was easier to truly be alone than to be painfully lonely while lying next to someone in bed. Turns out that wasn’t why I left.”
“Why did you?”
“Because, at heart, I don’t want to be alone. I want to be with someone who loves me.”
Josie was stunned. For so long, she’d thought she and Laura were kindred spirits because of their distaste for the institution of marriage. Apparently that wasn’t what linked them at all. It was their desire for love and happiness.
“There’s nothing wrong with considering Tommy’s feelings, and you should. But what you decide now will determine if you’re alone when he grows up and leaves or if you’re with someone.”
Josie rested her head against the back of the couch. “My mom played the dating game after my dad left and it opened a revolving door of wannabe fathers.”
“Your mom’s remarried, right?”
Josie’s gaze connected with Laura’s. “She remarried about ten years ago, when I was sixteen.”
“You like your stepdad?”
Josie nodded. “I do. Alex is great for my mom. They travel together, watch the same ridiculous reality shows on TV.”
“So how much do you resent the revolving door versus the fact that your mother is happy right now? Would you prefer she be alone because it would have saved you some angst when you were younger?”
“Of course not.”
“Were you irrevocably traumatized by all the boyfriends?”
Josie shook her head. “Actually there were only two long-term boyfriends before my mom met Alex and both of them were nice men. Things just didn’t work out for whatever reason. I’m really glad she found Alex. He’s perfect for her.”
Laura leaned forward and took Josie’s hand in hers. “I suspect if we ask Tommy the same questions in twenty years or so, his answer will be the same. He’ll only wish for your happiness.”
“What if Jake leaves too?” It was the fear that kept niggling at the back of Josie’s mind, the thing that caused her to jerk awake in the middle of the night in a cold sweat.
“That’s love, sweetheart. Either he’s worth taking a chance on or he’s not. There are no guarantees.”
Josie knew that. But she’d been hurt badly before. She wasn’t sure she could put herself out there again. For two years, she’d hidden from that truth, unwilling to face it. She’d created the Howl List because it protected her from that risk.
Laura rose and started for the door. Josie followed her.
“You called me for advice, so I’ll give it to you. You’re not a coward, Josie. You never have been. Now call him.” With that, Laura left.
&nbs
p; Josie closed the front door and leaned against it. Was that what she was being? A coward? The word didn’t sit well with her. Josie took a deep breath and walked to the coffee table. She picked up her phone and dialed the number without hesitation.
“Blue Moon. This is Jake.”
Josie’s courage left her the moment she heard his voice.
“Hello?”
“Jake.” His name came out in a rough burst of air. She forced herself to get a grip.
“Josie?”
He recognized her voice. She smiled. “Yeah. It’s me. I know it’s short notice, but I was wondering if you’d like to get together for a drink or something tonight.”
She could picture his familiar grin when he said, “Would the something happen to involve a little howling, bondage-style?”
Her face flushed and she was glad he couldn’t see her. “Nice to know your dirty mind has such a good memory.”
“Jesus, Josie. I haven’t been able to think about much else since you told me what this month’s plan for the full moon was.”
“Me either.”
“I’d love to meet for drinks. There’s a little pub on the corner of my street called McMillan’s. Do you know the one I’m talking about?”
“Yeah, I do. Meet you there at seven?”
Jake paused. Was he having second thoughts? She wouldn’t blame him if he was. Her treatment of him the past few months hadn’t been exactly stellar. “Seven’s fine, but, Josie, I was serious the last time we talked. If you’re not willing to share some personal information—”
“I will,” she said quickly. “Seven o’clock?”
“I’ll be there.”
Josie disconnected and glanced at the time. It was a little after five. She climbed the stairs, butterflies fluttering in her stomach, nervous as a girl on her first date.
She’d been on several dates since her divorce, but she’d accepted those invitations knowing none of the men were a danger to her single lifestyle.
Jake was danger personified. And yet she couldn’t resist drifting closer to the deep end. He deserved to know what exactly he was getting into. So…for better or worse, she was going to tell him everything—about Tommy, Tony, her fears. The poor guy was probably going to be sorry he didn’t leave well enough alone.
Turning on the shower, she slowly disrobed, feeling lighter than she had in weeks. As anxious as she was, tonight Josie was going to stop hiding. Jake was going to see the real her—warts and all.
And, God willing, he wouldn’t run for the hills.
Josie stepped into the dimly lit bar two hours later. She was a few minutes late, after struggling to find a parking space. She glanced around the room and spotted Jake, waving to her from a corner table.
She smiled and joined him. “Sorry. Parking sucks around here.”
Jake stood and pulled out her chair for her. “Yeah. I should have warned you about that. There’s some sort of block party going on a couple streets over. I forgot all about it until I walked here and saw the traffic. You look amazing.”
She’d taken special pains with her appearance, putting on more makeup than usual, curling her hair, digging out the shortest skirt she owned and her fuck-me heels. “Thanks. I felt like doing a bit of celebrating.”
“Oh yeah. What are we celebrating?”
“I got the job.”
Jake gave a loud hoot, then called the waiter over. “Should we order champagne or your usual?”
She laughed. “Champagne gives me a killer headache. I’m fine with bourbon.”
Jake ordered two bourbon and Diet Cokes, and then pushed his chair closer. His knees brushed against hers under the table. “Congratulations. When do you start?”
“I had to give two weeks’ notice at the store, which I did yesterday, so as of May one I will be an elementary school secretary.”
“Summers off?”
She nodded. “Almost. It’s an eleven-month position, so I’ll be free the whole month of August. I swear this job is the answer to a prayer.”
“How so?”
Josie bit her lower lip, then forged on. “It will give me more time to spend with my son, Tommy.”
She paused, wondering how Jake would take the bomb she’d just dropped. Neither of them spoke as the waiter delivered their drinks. Josie took a big gulp, hoping the bourbon would calm her nerves.
Finally, Jake responded. “A son, huh? I figured as much after last month.”
“You did?”
“I overheard a little of your conversation. Something about a fever and a cold washcloth. How old is he?”
Jake’s face revealed nothing of his feelings. She swallowed heavily, trying to dislodge the lump forming in her throat. Terror coursed through her: obviously she cared about Jake more than she realized.
Was he trying to figure out the quickest way to escape?
Please stay.
“He’s six and in the first grade at the school where I was just hired.”
Jake smiled. “Poor little booger’s not going to get away with anything with Mom working in the main office.”
She laughed, relief flowing over her like a cool rain on a hot summer’s day. “You really don’t mind?”
Jake’s forehead creased. “Mind what, Josie? That you had a life prior to meeting me? That you’re the kind of loving mother who would rush off in the middle of the night to take care of her sick son? No, I don’t mind any of that.”
She reached over and clasped Jake’s hand in hers. “I’m so glad I met you.”
He leaned closer and kissed her. “Ditto. So let’s have the rest of it.”
“Rest of what?”
“It’s full-disclosure night. I suspect your son wasn’t conceived by immaculate conception, so where’s the father?”
Josie released a long sigh. “He’s shacking up with the woman he left us for. Divorce was final about two years ago.”
Jake nodded slowly. So many times she had wished she could tell what he was thinking. “Is he the one who called last month?”
“Yeah. Tommy stays with his dad every Thursday and every other weekend Works out okay because Tommy’s little. Not sure he’ll appreciate that schedule when he’s older and busy with sports and school stuff and girls. But I guess that’s a bridge we’ll cross when we get to it.”
“You and the ex get along okay?”
Josie shrugged. “I guess so. I try hard to keep the peace because I don’t want to color the way my son sees his dad. Tommy adores Tony. I’d never say anything negative about Tony in front of him because I don’t want to change that.”
Jake squeezed her hand. “I was right. You are a great mom.”
She tried to wave off his compliment, but Jake wouldn’t let her. “You’re also an amazing woman. I was glad you called this afternoon. The full moon was last Monday. I sort of thought I’d come on too strong. Scared you away.”
“I’ve been picking the Saturday closest to the full moon when Tommy is with his dad. This month it fell the weekend after rather than before. And you do scare me. But not enough to keep me away.”
“Good. Because I’m going to start pushing my luck.”
Josie tried to pull her hand away, but Jake refused to relinquish it. “How?”
“I want the rest of your full moons.”
“The list is twelve months’ worth.”
He nodded, seemingly unfazed. What exactly was he asking for? A year’s worth of sex? Or more?
“Give me your last name, your phone number and then show me the list.”
She hesitated, started to refuse him. Then she realized it was pointless. He’d won them all the very first night, but her stubbornness had prevented her from seeing that. “My name is Josie Jacobson. But you know that. You’ve seen my credit card.”
He grinned, not bothering to deny the truth. “I still wanted you to give it to me.”
“Does that mean you looked up my number?”
“It’s unlisted.”
She scowled, preten
ding to be angry. “You cheater. Give me your cell.”
He handed it to her without asking why. She was continually touched by his trust in her. She opened his contacts and added her name and number to the list. “There. That’s me.”
He glanced at the number, then pushed the button. Her phone rang and she laughed when he said, “Just checking.”
“Now.” Jake held out his hand. “Last thing. Hand it over.”
She reached into her purse and pulled out the list, wondering if there was anything on it that Jake would balk at. She hadn’t held back any of her deepest, darkest desires when she’d made it.
He perused it slowly. “Spanking. Role play. Double penetration.”
She blushed when he said the last, his gaze rising to capture hers. She held her breath, waiting to see what he’d say.
Jake narrowed his eyes just briefly, then looked back at her list. “No sex-in-a-car fantasy?”
Josie raised her eyebrow. “I lost my virginity in the backseat of an ancient Grand Marquis to the man who is now my ex-husband. Been there, done that, burned the T-shirt and sold the car.”
“Gotcha. Vehicles are out. I’m actually pretty relieved. My car has a wicked small backseat. Not sure we’d both fit back there and still be able to move.”
Josie took another sip of her drink. “Does anything ruffle your feathers?”
Jake frowned, looking confused. “What do you mean?”
“You seem so unshakeable. Nothing ever seems to fluster or bother you?”
“Life’s too short to sweat the small stuff.”
Josie considered that. She’d been a nervous wreck the whole way here, thinking he’d freak out when she told him she had a six-year-old son. That hadn’t seemed small to her, but Jake had taken the news in stride. Was that because he only viewed her as a hookup?
Now that she’d decided to move things to the next level, she was second-guessing herself. And him.
Jake ran his finger along her face. “You’re stressing, Josie. This is all as easy as breathing if you’ll just let it happen, stop thinking about it.”
