Tonya cleared her throat, but the lump was still there. “I do too.”
“You know, I’m really ashamed of it now, but there were times when I was so jealous of you. I knew Daddy treated me differently, better, and I played that up just to hurt you. The last time wasn’t that long ago either.”
Tonya’s grip on her phone tightened, and she dug her fingers deep into the leather on the arm of her chair. For a few seconds, she felt hollow. They had been hiding from each other for so long. After the moment passed, confusion set in. “Why would you be jealous of me?”
“You’re kidding, right? You’re successful, beautiful, and strong. You knew exactly what you wanted, and you worked your ass off to get it. You take care of us. If the shoe was on the other foot, I don’t think I could’ve handled even half of what you have.”
“I disagree.” Tonya was completely taken aback.
“It doesn’t matter if you agree or not.”
“I don’t even know what to say.”
“Yell at me. Tell me how terrible I am.”
“You have all the freedom I didn’t. You get to live your life, and he looks at you like you’re his entire universe.”
“Tonya, I—”
“No, I need to say this. Sometimes it was hard being in the same room with you. I thought as we got older that it would get easier. There were times when it was, but a majority of it wasn’t. I felt so petty, and I didn’t like who I was when that happened. I was…am jealous of you.”
Tracy sucked in a deep, shuddering breath. Tonya’s grip on her phone and chair eased. Instead of feeling apprehensive, she felt a bit lighter.
“We’re something else, aren’t we?” Tracy asked. “Can you imagine how different things could have been?”
“Yes. I used to wonder about that.”
“What we did to each other…” Tracy’s voice thickened, and then she sobbed. “We’re…sisters.”
Tonya couldn’t breathe through the band of emotion tightening around her chest.
Tracy sniffed. “How can I help with Daddy? I’ll do whatever you need me to.”
Tonya was touched deeply. “Just tell him the truth, and I think it might help a little to know that you accept my sexuality.”
“You think?”
“I don’t know, but anything has to be better than it is right now.”
“Yeah, I don’t think he can ignore all this forever,” Tracy agreed.
* * *
Tonya’s stomach rumbled. She glanced at the time at the bottom of her computer screen and decided to finish one more progress note before taking a lunch. A few minutes later, her phone vibrated. She’d forgotten to put it back in her bag. Tonya peered at the words flashing across the screen and snatched it up immediately when she realized who the text was from. Haley.
I’m sorry 2 bother u durin the work day…well kinda but I hav a very good reason.
Really? What’s that?
Tonya smiled and something inside her lit up. Maybe this was just the boost she needed.
Shrimp poboy from Danny and Clyde’s.
??
Tonya’s stomach growled again.
Lettuce, tomato, extra pickle, hot sauce, extra mayo and no onion.
Is that what ur eating? You like no pickles extra tomatoes.
Glad u remembered. No it’s not mine. I’m close 2 the hospital. I could get it 4 u if u let me come c u.
Tonya was thrown by the request. Like she sensed her hesitancy, Haley sent another text.
Saturday is 2 far away. I wanna c u jus for a min. I kno ur busy.
We talk every day.
Not enough anymore.
Haley was right. It really wasn’t enough. There had been many times this week when Tonya wished she could crawl through the phone. Besides, seeing her would probably improve Tonya’s mood.
I’m in uniform and I’ll let u hold my gun.
Tonya chuckled. This impulse was too powerful, too good to pass up.
Meet me on the first floor of the parking garage near the elevator.
Unless it was in an official capacity, Haley wasn’t allowed on her floor, and it didn’t make sense to meet her in the cafeteria or waiting areas where they’d have to deal with crowds of people.
For several seconds, there was nothing.
Really?! I’ll be there in 15. Cold drink?
Sweet tea.
Got it.
Tonya stared at her phone. Yes, it was out of character to disrupt her day like this, but the incident earlier had left her vulnerable. She was less concerned about propriety than just feeling good again. She stood and went into the bathroom to check her appearance. Once satisfied, she left her office and nearly ran into Stephanie.
“Perfect, I was just coming—”
“I’ll be back.”
Stephanie gave her a strange look. “Is everything okay? Family emergency?”
“No, I’m meeting Hal—”
“Ohhh.” Stephanie grinned. “She’s coming here? To the hospital where you work? I’m sure that’s probably against some rule of yours.”
Stephanie was right, but for the moment, Tonya didn’t care. “Well, if they’re my rules, I can make an exception.”
“Uh-huh, tell her hello for me. You know, if you actually get the chance to speak.”
Before Tonya could respond to the playful snark, Stephanie turned and walked away.
When Tonya stepped out of the elevator, there was more than one police car in the parking garage, but apparently Haley spotted her. The doors to the cruiser closest to her opened. Haley and her partner emerged. Tonya didn’t pay much attention to the man at Haley’s side or the bag she was carrying. Haley moved with her typical confident swagger, but to Tonya it seemed more pronounced. When Haley grinned, Tonya’s heart stuttered before correcting itself.
Haley’s grin turned into a full-blown smile as she stopped in front of Tonya. Her eyes narrowed and she stared like she was trying to figure out a puzzle.
Her partner sighed and stepped forward. “I guess she left her manners in the car. I’m Tim. We didn’t really get the chance to meet first time I saw you.” He held out his hand and Tonya shook it.
“I’m Tonya.”
“Sorry. Got a little distracted,” Haley said sheepishly as a blush spread over her face.
Tim snorted. “I bet.”
Tonya gave her complete attention to Haley. Before she knew what was happening, she’d stepped forward. Her stomach dropped. Haley’s eyes darkened.
“Uh, I’m just gonna go wait in the car,” Tim said.
“Yeah, okay.” Haley didn’t acknowledge him any further.
They moved back toward the elevator as a couple of cars came around the corner.
“What’s wrong?”
Tonya was surprised by the question, pleasantly so. “What makes you think—”
“Because I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t normally do somethin’ like this.”
Haley really did know her. Or, at least, she was starting to. “Rough morning.” People walked around them to get to the elevator.
“Your dad?”
Tonya nodded.
“Sorry.” Concern creased Haley’s forehead. The expression made Tonya want to touch her.
“Thank you.”
“Sure you don’t wanna play with my gun? Safety’s on.”
Tonya laughed, and it felt incredible.
Haley smiled.
“No, but can I?” Tonya stepped closer until they were almost touching. Feeling bold, she slid her arms around Haley’s waist as though it was something that occurred regularly.
“Anytime you want.”
Tonya wrapped herself around Haley. This she was starting to crave. Tonya pressed her face into Haley’s neck, making her shiver. Even though her hands were full, Haley found a way to return the embrace. Tonya felt comfortable, safe, and wanted.
“You could pencil me in. I’d be willin’ to come do this every day.”
Tonya chuckled, but there was n
o denying the warmth caused by Haley’s words. More cars drove by. Tonya moved back slightly and glanced up at Haley.
“Wasn’t kiddin’.” Haley’s eyes were dark again, filled with heat and sincerity in equal measure. Haley glanced from Tonya’s eyes to her lips and back again. “I really wanna kiss you right now.”
More people milled about, waiting in front of the elevator, but Tonya didn’t care. She wanted this, and she had finally learned that it was okay to want. When their lips touched, everyone else ceased to exist anyway. Haley’s kiss was soft, teasing. She brushed against Tonya’s open mouth until she could barely stand it. She balled a section of Haley’s shirt into her fist and held on. As if her actions were some sort of cue, Haley’s tongue swiped across her lips before dipping inside.
Tonya whimpered as a sudden flare of arousal tightened her stomach.
There was a loud crackle, but it didn’t hold Tonya’s attention.
“Rook, we need to go. Fuckin’ Zoo.”
Haley groaned and ended the kiss, but she didn’t pull away completely. Now holding the bag of food and the drink in the same hand, Haley reached up and fiddled with the radio attached by a flap on her shirt. “Yeah, okay.” Her voice was husky and her breathing was shallow. She pressed her lips against Tonya’s forehead. “Call me later.”
Tonya nodded as she smoothed out the wrinkled part of Haley’s shirt. Haley handed her the food. “It’s probably cold.”
“I don’t care.” There it was again, that smile. Tonya was starting to think it was just for her.
“Later.” Haley turned and jogged toward the car.
“Text me. Let me know you’re okay!” Tonya called out as she remembered where they were going. It was one of the most dangerous parts of the city.
“Okay!”
Tonya watched until they drove away. Her heart was in her throat and her stomach was on the concrete. She was glad that she’d broken the rules.
* * *
Tonya was exhausted when she walked into Dr. Finn’s office, but there was a heavy buzz right under her skin that made her feel as if her entire being was humming. It was a unique experience, and she was pretty sure it wouldn’t be the last time she felt this way.
She sat down, and Dr. Finn studied her silently for several seconds.
“I apologize again for moving our appointment to later than usual.”
Tonya waved it away. “There’s nothing to worry about.” She paused and met Dr. Finn’s unwavering gaze. “A lot’s happened.”
“Somehow, I knew you were going to say that. Start wherever you want.”
She began with her father and sister and ended with Haley. Once she started talking, it was difficult to stop. There was so much to release, pick apart, and celebrate.
Dr. Finn had started to smile halfway through and she hadn’t stopped since. “The idea to include your sister is a creative change of pace. Well done, and it sounds like you and Tracy have taken several steps closer to each other. As for Haley—”
“I just feel so…” Tonya looked down at her hands, trying to find the words. “Selfish, but it’s my turn to do what I want. I don’t want it to stop, and it’s all happening so fast I have to use both hands to hold on. I want a life. I want my family and Haley too. I want everything.” She glanced back up at Dr. Finn. “Is it too much?”
She was still smiling. “Does it feel like it?”
“Sometimes, but just when I think it is…” Tonya thought back to earlier that day and Haley’s appearance at the hospital. “She, Haley, balances it out. I’m not sure how.”
“Because you let her. Remember, it’s nice to have something positive when there is negativity surrounding you. It’s good to see you finally taking a chance and letting people in.”
“Multiplies my chances of getting hurt.” Tonya wasn’t being cynical. She was trying to be realistic. The thought sobered her a bit.
“That’s part of the risk, yes, but you are getting to see rewards too.”
“True.” There had been times when she actually wanted to thank the idiots from the gas station. They had provided her with an eye-opening experience in more ways than one.
“No more nightmares or dreams we need to discuss?”
“No. They’re evening out for now. Nothing new or troubling.”
“Good. I am so proud of you. I want you to know that.”
Tonya smiled. “I think that I’m proud of me too.”
Chapter 18
Haley just stared, her mouth hanging wide open. She’d put pants on for this. “Look, I know I probably asked for advice when she first agreed to go out with me, but I figured it out. Not changin’ things now.”
It was barely 9:00 a.m. on a Saturday, and Nate and Jen were lounging around in her living room before heading to the restaurant. This was supposed to be her Saturday to work as well, but she’d been able to work some magic since Tang had taken off too.
Jen threw up her hands and sighed. The demented pixie look was back, but Haley found it more comical than anything. “You said she was older. Do you really think she’s gonna enjoy somethin’ like that?”
“I’m with Jen on this one, Haley. Maybe you’re rusty or somethin’, since you haven’t done the datin’ thing in a while.”
“Whatever.” Haley got up off the couch and headed into the kitchen to refill her coffee cup. “I’m nervous enough as it is without you guys goin’ all mama bear on me!”
A couple minutes later, Haley sat down between them and sipped on her full cup of coffee. She didn’t offer Jen and Nate any. They knew where the damn kitchen was.
“Okay, since I’ve known you, there’s only been a handful of times I’ve seen you nervous about anythin’ and the most recent has been about this woman.”
Haley didn’t hear a question in there anywhere, but Nate kept on talking anyway.
“Fucked anyone lately?”
“Yes, a few weeks ago, but what the hell does that have to do with anythin’?” Just thinking about it made Haley feel a little guilty, which, in turn, brought out some defensiveness. It really wasn’t a big deal. She and Tonya hadn’t been defined at the time. At least, that’s what she told herself.
“Did you enjoy it? Or did you do it out of habit?” Nate wouldn’t let up.
Haley shrugged. “I guess more of the second thing you said.” That was easy enough to admit.
“No one since?” Jen asked. She was looking normal again.
“Nooo. Can we move on?”
Nate laughed. “I can’t wait to meet Tonya. I’m impressed by what she’s done in such a short amount of time.”
“You act like I just met her yesterday. I’m pretty sure this whole thing started right after the shootin’. I was bumblin’ around like some idiot tryin’ to talk to her even then.”
“Well you left that tasty bit out.” Jen raised a brow.
Haley shrugged again.
“You’ll be gettin’ rid of the video games soon and probably end up wearin’ collared shirts.” Nate had a big-ass smile on his face.
Haley glared. “I plan on teachin’ her how to play.” She paused. “And I don’t mind wearin’ a polo or whatever every now and then. Can we get back on topic?”
“I thought we were.” Nate just kept on grinning.
Haley growled. “I’m not changin’ it. You guys don’t know her. I was shaky about it at first, but now I know the idea is perfect. She needs some fun right now.”
Jen pinched her arm. “Why didn’t you say all that in the first place? Ass.”
“Ow! Really?” Haley rubbed at the sore spot on her bicep. “I didn’t think I had to. I thought you guys, of all people, would believe that I had this.”
Jen deflated a bit. “Okay, maybe I’m a little nervous about all this too. I so want this to work out. I’ve never seen you like this.”
“Yeah, I know. What I don’t get is why I’m not runnin’ or scared shitless. Maybe I’m savin’ it all up for later. I don’t wanna hurt her. She’s been through en
ough. But I don’t wanna stop either. I don’t think I can.”
Jen leaned against Haley’s shoulder. “Relationships don’t have to be all melodramatic. We’re all adults, and sometimes things are just easy. I’d say hold on to that.”
“Yeah, remember when we first met?” Nate smirked at his wife.
Jen rolled her eyes. “I’m gonna take that as a rhetorical question.”
“When things got hard, I think knowin’ that it used to be just the opposite helped.”
“Yeah, I agree. And since we’re goin’ down memory lane, how about when you first introduced me to Haley?”
Haley groaned.
Nate and Jen laughed.
“You mean the fact that she was drunk, tried to hit on you, and then threw up on you?”
“Yes, that!” Jen agreed.
“Well, I’ve been waitin’ forever to get revenge, so just wait till I meet Tonya.”
Haley waved him off but grinned. “Go ’head. I bet she’ll cut you off at the knees. I’ll be right here laughin’ my ass off. I still say if I’d been sober and Jen wasn’t yours, she woulda been leavin’ with me in fifteen minutes, tops.”
“Bullshit!” Nate’s face turned red, as it always did when they talked about this. It was epic, poking fun at him this way.
“She’s sittin’ right here. We could just ask, and maybe she’ll be honest this time and actually give us an answer.”
They both looked to Jen. There was a little smile on her lips and a look in her eyes. She was obviously amused. “No, this is a stupid conversation, and I refuse to lower myself to y’all’s level.”
Haley snickered. She’d expected that answer. It really was a stupid conversation.
Nate stood. His face wasn’t red anymore. “I’m gettin’ cereal. Anybody want?”
Haley shook her head and downed the rest of her coffee.
“No, I prefer not to be hopped up on sugar to start my day,” Jen answered.
Nate made his way to the kitchen.
“Don’t touch my Cap’n Crunch!” Haley yelled a minute later.
“Too late!”
Haley sighed irritably, and Jen patted her on the knee.
“You pick out a T-shirt and shoes yet?”
Haley looked away, feeling a little embarrassed. “Kinda. Two days ago.”
Between the Lines Page 19
