Karen is looking at him with pursed lips. ‘What do you disagree on?’
He glances to the woman he calls his wife, knowing she is waiting for him to trip himself up in front of the counsellor. ‘Her drinking, mostly.’ He needs to keep the conversation centred around this topic, if only to save himself from becoming the focus.
‘You’ve acknowledged you have a problem with alcohol,’ Karen says, the words leaving her mouth tentatively, as though she is reluctant to delve any further into such a delicate topic.
Lydia nods and wipes the back of a hand over her right eye as though pushing back tears.
‘Have you ever sought help for it?’
She shakes her head. ‘Well, I did speak to somebody once, a long time ago, but it didn’t really help much.’
‘Can you tell me what happened at the restaurant?’ Karen asks.
She looks up to the ceiling. She wipes the pad of her left thumb along the bottom of her eye, though her tears have already dried. She leans forward to the coffee table, putting her empty teacup beside Karen’s. ‘Maybe it wasn’t such a big deal,’ she says, trying to shake it off. ‘Maybe it was just one of those things.’
Karen’s eyes widen, seeking more from her.
‘She got shit-faced drunk,’ Josh says, filling in the silence for them. ‘She was flirting with the waiter, made a total fool of herself.’ He sits back and folds his arms across his chest. ‘Remember when the waiter came over with the drinks?’ he says, recalling the scene to maximise Lydia’s discomfort. He turns to Karen. ‘She leaned forward and put a hand on his arm, giggling like some stupid teenage girl. Her chest was practically falling out of her top. She was acting as though the two of them were the only people in the room, like she’d forgotten where we were. What sort of woman behaves like that out in public?’
‘I said I was sorry,’ Lydia says, her voice like a child’s. She turns to Karen. ‘I don’t know why I did it, it was stupid.’
‘How did it make you feel, Josh?’
‘Sorry?’
‘When Lydia flirted with the waiter like that. How did it make you feel?’
He is annoyed by the stupidity of the question; how pointless it is. ‘I was angry,’ he says. ‘Obviously. Her behaviour was embarrassing. She’s too old to be flaunting herself like that – she’s a mother, for goodness’ sake.’
‘Can you try to explain your behaviour, Lydia? Can you tell Josh why you did it?’
He watches her expectantly, wondering where she will go with this answer.
‘I don’t know. I just … I feel invisible a lot of the time. They say it happens to women after a certain age, don’t they – that we just disappear? But I’m not old enough for that yet. Some days I feel as though I’m in my sixties, not my thirties. He never pays me any attention. I’m not ready to disappear, not yet. I just wanted him to notice me.’
‘Well that certainly happened.’
‘What makes you feel invisible, Lydia?’ Karen asks. ‘Can you be more specific?’
Lydia glances briefly at him before averting her eyes. ‘I don’t go out much. I’m always in the house. I’d almost forgotten what it’s like to put on some nice clothes and make a bit of an effort.’
‘Is that my fault as well?’
They lock eyes for a moment, and he waits for her to look away first. Karen is watching them, gauging the atmosphere between them.
‘This isn’t about finding fault or blame,’ she says. ‘It’s about finding a way that you can work together to move forward.’
He winces inwardly at the cliché. Could the woman be more of a stereotype?
‘Do you think a regular night out together might help?’ she says. ‘Once a month, even … just the two of you. It’ll give you both something to look forward to, something that’s not related to work or family life. Time out with each other is important in any relationship. What do you think?’
Lydia is sitting there nodding at Karen as though she is some sort of oracle. Looking at him expectantly, waiting for him to demonstrate an element of enthusiasm.
‘Depends how much she drinks,’ he says.
She looks at Karen with that same woeful expression she has been wearing like a second skin. ‘This is what always happens. He just assumes the worst of me. Any time I suggest anything nice, he throws something in the way.’
Karen sits back and rests her arms at her sides. ‘Lydia, do you feel you have a dependency on alcohol?’
‘Not at all,’ she says with a shake of her head. ‘He’s making it sound worse than it is. I go for weeks without drinking. It’s just that sometimes when I have one, I tend to have a few too many.’
‘Alcohol doesn’t need to be involved in these nights out, though. You can go out for dinner without either of you drinking, or you can do something else together. There are plenty of options.’
Is this the extent of her relationship advice? he wonders. Go out for the night; forget your problems over dinner. If only life was that simple.
‘You don’t even have to leave the house,’ Karen says with one eye on him, as though she has read his thoughts and is less than impressed with his assessment of her abilities. ‘It’s not where you are that’s important – it’s finding time in which the two of you are together without the distractions of other things. Switch your phones off and make sure you get time to talk to each other.’
‘We can’t talk when it’s just the two of us, though,’ Lydia says. ‘That’s why we’re here. We need someone else with us otherwise it just ends up in an argument.’
‘That’s because you never listen,’ he says.
She looks away, casting her eyes to the floor in that infuriating way she has. ‘I do listen.’
‘Listening is obviously just as important as talking,’ Karen says. ‘You need to learn to let each other speak. Be honest here – do you find yourself sometimes not listening to what’s being said because you’re preoccupied with thinking about what you want to say next?’
She is looking to him for an answer and the fact sends a flame of anger flickering through him.
‘Most people do it without realising,’ she says when he offers no response. ‘I know it’s not always easy, but when you start to listen to each other – really listen and actually take on board what the other person is saying – you will begin to find ways through your problems rather than just skirting around them, I promise.’
He wonders whether she should be making a promise like this: a promise she surely knows has no guarantee.
‘If you feel alcohol is causing issues within your marriage,’ she continues, ‘I could refer you to someone you might want to talk to. I appreciate you’re already spending money on counselling, but there are services that offer free advice and support in matters such as this.’ She studies Lydia with a small smile, sympathetic to her vulnerabilities. He sees what is happening here.
‘Have a think and let me know,’ she adds, when the offer receives no verbal response. She clears her throat and turns her focus to Josh. ‘What are your thoughts about forgiveness?’ she asks. ‘Do you feel that the two of you are forgiving of each other’s flaws, or do you tend to hold grudges?’
‘She can be stubborn,’ he says flatly.
‘And you’re not?’ Lydia says, in that small voice that says: help me.
He shrugs. ‘No more than anyone else.’
‘It’s one of the things that causes the biggest issues in a lot of marriages,’ Karen tells them. ‘It’s easy to hold on to a grudge, but over time they can become destructive, for both of you.’
‘Are we still talking about what happened at the restaurant here?’ he asks. ‘Because if we are, that was only last week. It’s not exactly something I’m dredging up from years back.’
‘I wasn’t referring specifically to the restaurant,’ she says. ‘Look, if I can speak openly with you, you both seem very frustrated with one another. Josh, you’ve made several references to Lydia’s drinking. Lydia, you seem to feel that Josh do
esn’t pay enough attention to your needs. How do you see a resolution to the issues between you?’
‘She needs to stop drinking.’ He rolls his eyes, knowing that the look infuriates Lydia. He refuses to make eye contact with her, but he feels her attention on him.
‘Okay. Well that’s something that can be worked on. You’ve both acknowledged there’s an issue, so there’s no reason now that it can’t be resolved. Lydia,’ Karen turns to her, ‘what about you? What do you think needs to change within the relationship?’
‘I don’t know,’ she says, opening her eyes wide and looking at Karen earnestly. ‘I think maybe I’m expecting too much.’
He sees the flicker of a reaction cross Karen’s face, and he wonders what she takes from the comment.
‘In what way?’
Lydia hesitates, her mouth moving slightly but no sound escaping her. She looks up and smiles at Karen, shaking her head as though dismissing the thoughts that recently lingered there. ‘I don’t really know what I mean. Sorry, it’s been a lot to take in today.’ The colour in her cheeks has risen and she runs a finger under the neckline of her dress to cool herself down.
‘Are you okay?’ Karen asks.
‘Fine,’ she says, the answer too quick and too abrupt. ‘Just a bit hot and bothered, that’s all. Would you mind if we leave it here for today?’
Three
Lydia
It never seems to stop raining. It is their third time here, and yet again the sky has closed in on them, swaddling the city in a suffocating cape of grey. It seems forbidding somehow, as if nature is trying to tell them something; as if there is caution etched in the outline of the clouds, visible with only the closest of studies. But even if she sees it, she won’t heed the warning. She has never been very good at taking advice, even when it has been needed most.
‘I’d like us to start with you today, Josh, if you’re happy for us to do so?’ Karen pushes open the door of the consultancy room and waits for them both to enter. ‘How have things been since last week?’
‘No different really.’
‘Have you been busy?’
‘As always.’
There is an awkward silence in which Karen waits for him to continue, but he says nothing more, allowing the atmosphere between them to fester.
‘Lydia, how have you been?’
‘I’m okay, thank you.’
‘Have you had a chance this week to spend any more time together, just the two of you?’
The question is left open; Lydia looks at him, wondering which of them should speak first.
‘Not really,’ he says. ‘There just doesn’t seem to have been time.’
‘Lydia, have you considered what we spoke about last time? About possibly seeking some help?’ Karen omits the words ‘for your alcohol problem’ from her question, leaving the elephant to continue its silent stakeout in the corner of the room.
She shakes her head. ‘Look,’ she says, shifting uncomfortably and avoiding eye contact, ‘I know I’ve got a problem, but we’ve not been entirely honest, have we?’ She looks at Josh now, her eyes urging his to connect with her. ‘I know why I drink,’ she says, turning her attention to Karen before looking back at him.
He narrows his eyes, a warning.
‘We need to mention it.’
He shakes his head. ‘It’s too soon.’
‘It’ll have to come out eventually.’
‘What will?’ Karen asks.
‘That’s not the cause of it anyway,’ he says, pushing the words through gritted teeth. ‘Your drinking was a problem way before that happened.’
She gives the counsellor time to absorb the tension between them. She needs Karen to feel it in the way she herself does, though she knows that will never be possible; not this raw, fresh agony she carries around with her every day of her life.
‘He was accused of sexual assault. A patient claimed he touched her.’
The words taste wrong in her mouth. They sound wrong to her ears, as though someone else has spoken them. She glances at Karen, whose face has paled slightly beneath the layer of foundation that has been so carefully applied. In this moment, Karen looks as though she is somewhere else; still here in body but temporarily absent in mind.
‘Are you okay?’ Lydia asks. She leans forward to put a hand on the other woman’s arm, a brief role reversal. She allows her fingers to rest on her sleeve, seeking a moment of sisterly solidarity that she suspects will be returned.
She is wrong.
‘Fine,’ Karen answers quickly and pulls her arm away as though Lydia’s fingertips have burned her. ‘Josh, perhaps this would be better coming from you?’
‘She came in on a Saturday evening,’ he says, spitting out the words as though they are poisoning his tongue. ‘I don’t often work weekend nights, but they were short-staffed that day, so I offered to help out.’ He pauses, shifts on the sofa and looks down at his hands. ‘That’s where being a good guy gets you, I suppose.’
He sits forward and puts his hands between his knees, squeezing them together as though they need to be kept still.
‘She was young,’ he continues. ‘Late teens, early twenties at most. She was with a friend – they’d been out in town for the evening. She said she was having chest pains.’
Lydia sees the way Karen looks at Josh as he speaks, the way her features shift as the story unfolds. Her eyes flicker from left to right, studying him for telltale signs of lies.
‘I examined her. It’s standard practice. I did everything I was supposed to – there was a female staff member present.’ He clears his throat. ‘We spoke in the consulting room after my colleague had left.’ He raises a hand as though reciting a declaration of truth in a courtroom. ‘She was fully dressed at this point.’
‘What happened after that, Josh?’ Karen asks.
He focuses on his hands again. ‘I couldn’t see anything wrong with her. I asked her if she’d ever suffered from panic attacks, she said she hadn’t, so I sent her away with the advice that she keep an eye on things and go straight to her GP if the same problem occurred again. And that was that, or so I thought at the time.’ He pushes his fingertips to his forehead. ‘She could have cost me my career.’
‘Lydia,’ Karen says, shifting position to turn her attention to her. ‘Tell me what happened when you heard about the allegation. How did it make you feel?’
Lydia wonders how many times Karen has asked that question in this room, and whether she ever tires of hearing those same six words. ‘I was shocked.’ She looks at her hands and smiles sadly at the understatement. ‘I was obviously very upset,’ she adds.
‘I didn’t do anything wrong,’ Josh says, directing his words at Karen as though more concerned with convincing her. ‘That girl was a liar. Everyone knew it.’
‘The police turned up at the hospital on the Monday,’ Lydia continues. ‘The girl said he’d touched her after the nurse had left the room … you know, inappropriately. He was arrested.’
He was late home from work, but that was nothing new and there was no reason to suspect that what was left of the evening would be any different to any other. When she heard the front door shut behind him at close to ten p.m., she went to the landing and stood at the top of the stairs. He looked pale and drawn and she could tell from the look in his eyes that his lateness was the result of more than just a busy shift.
An argument followed, angry recriminations delivered between clenched teeth and silences that were somehow more unsettling than any angry words could be.
I didn’t touch her.
How am I supposed to believe that after everything else?
Believe what you want. You always do.
That was before the shouting started.
‘What happened after the arrest?’ Karen asks, snapping Lydia back to the present. Josh still has his head lowered; is still using all his energy to hold back the anger she knows bubbles away inside him every time this subject is raised.
‘There was n
o proof. It went to court, but the allegation didn’t stand up. He was found not guilty.’
Lydia waits for the ‘how did that make you feel?’ question, but it never arrives. Instead, Karen stands. ‘Would you both excuse me for just a moment?’ She looks flustered as she goes out, leaving the pair of them alone in the silence that sits between them like an uninvited third party. It is short-lived: Josh’s anger breaks it, slicing through the air with the speed of an unexpected slap.
‘Why did you have to bring that up?’
‘She needs to know, doesn’t she? We agreed we would talk about it.’
‘Not now. Not like this. For God’s sake, you can never just leave things, can you?’ He is speaking to her through gritted teeth, his eyes narrowed.
She sits back and folds her arms across her chest, shielding herself from his rage. ‘Tell me that girl was lying.’
‘How many times do I have to say it?’ he snaps, his voice low and the words clipped.
‘As many as it takes for me to believe you.’
He sighs heavily, then sits back and pushes his hand through his hair. ‘She was lying,’ he says. ‘There. Are you happy now?’
But of course she isn’t happy at all. She doesn’t believe him.
They are interrupted by the return of Karen, who breezes into the room with a smile that contradicts the haste with which she left just a short time earlier. ‘Apologies for that. Okay … Josh. Let’s pick up where we left off, shall we? I’d like you to tell Lydia what impact the allegation and the subsequent arrest has had on you, please.’
She waits for him to compose his answer.
‘People look at you differently when something like that has been said about you,’ he says eventually. ‘Even though the case was thrown out, mud sticks, doesn’t it?’
‘And what about within the relationship?’ Karen asks. ‘How has it affected you at home?’
The Divorce: A gripping psychological thriller with a fantastic twist Page 5
