by Gene Gant
“Why?” Dad looked so wounded. “Why would you do something like that? You have a girlfriend. You’ve never shown the slightest interest in other boys.”
“Dad, I do like girls. And I still like Lissandra. But there’s this other part of me that… likes boys too. It’s always been there, like at the back of my mind or something, and I sort of buried it because I was ashamed of it. A couple of months ago, that thing for boys got harder for me to ignore. I always liked Hutch. He’s one of my best friends. When I found out he’s gay, I got sort of attracted to him. I fought it at first. But when his parents kicked him out, when he was so helpless, it just… my heart just broke for him.”
“That’s compassion, son. And that’s a good thing. But don’t confuse that with what a man feels when he falls in love with a woman. It’s not the same thing.”
“Dad, it’s not just compassion. Hutch means something to me, more than… just a friend.”
Dad stared at me. His eyes began to twitch with emotion. I couldn’t tell if it was grief or rage that was building in his head.
“Please don’t hate me, Dad. I don’t know why I feel the things that I do, but it’s me. It’s who I am. Please don’t hate me.”
A tear rolled down his cheek. He reached up and wiped it away with his thumb. “You’re my only surviving child. I will never hate you,” he said quietly. “But it hurts my heart that you have this sin in you. I will pray for the Lord to lift it from your soul, and from Barry’s.” His look became stern again. “Your mother and I talked yesterday about Barry’s situation. We are putting ourselves in a legal bind keeping him here, especially now that his father has shown up trying to get him home. Given that, and knowing what you boys did last night, I can’t let Barry stay here any longer. He has to go. He has to go today.”
Panic hit me. “Dad, please. You can’t kick him out. Don’t send him back to his parents.”
“I’m not throwing him out, Jericho. And I won’t send him back to parents who have abused him. I talked to Vic, and he’s agreed to let Barry stay with him for a few days. Tomorrow, I’m going to hire a lawyer to help Barry become emancipated from his parents. That will probably mean that he will have to get some kind of job, because one of the things he’ll have to prove to a judge is that he has a way of providing for himself free of his parents. The lawyer will go over all of that with him. Your mother and I will do everything we can to help him. But if we can’t work out the emancipation, we’ll have no choice but to turn him over to Human Services.”
I hated the idea that Hutch had to leave, but I also understood why my parents couldn’t just keep letting him live with us. Dad would have done the same thing if it was Lissandra who got kicked out and was living in my old bedroom. Hell, he never would have let Lissandra move into the house; he would have automatically found her someplace else to stay. “So, when is Hutch supposed to leave?”
“Vic is coming over to have dinner with us. He’ll take Barry with him when he goes home.”
“I should tell him—”
“Your mother’s doing that now. It’s why she asked him to help her in the kitchen.” Dad took me by the shoulders, looking me firmly in the eyes. “Jericho, I don’t know what you think you’re feeling for Barry, or for other boys. I don’t know whether this is just a phase you’re going through or if, in spite of everything your mom and I taught you, you’re falling into the ungodly ways so many young people fall into these days. But I consider myself a rational man. I understand that your life is your own, and as much as I might want to, I can’t bend you completely to my will. I can’t control what you do out in the world, but I can say what I will and will not have in my house. I don’t want you to bring Barry or any of your other friends into this house unless your mom or I are here. I don’t want you having sex here in our home with anyone unless it is with the woman who is your lawfully wedded wife. Are we clear on that?”
“Yes, sir.”
“And you know your mother and I don’t keep secrets from each other. I’m going to have to tell her what you and Barry did.”
“I understand. And, Dad, I’m sorry I disrespected you and mom by… you know.” I shrugged.
As Dad looked at me, still holding me by the shoulders, I could see tenderness and fear welling in his eyes like tears. “My son. My son.” He pulled me to him in a hug. “I hope and pray that you will grow out of this thing, whatever it is, and be a man.”
“Dad, I’m gonna be okay.” I hugged him back. “I’m gonna be a man regardless of who I love.”
AFTER Hutch left with Uncle Vic and Mom and Dad went to the den to watch television, I cleaned up the kitchen. When I was done, I called Lissandra and asked her to come over.
We sat on the front porch so Mom and Dad wouldn’t overhear us. The afternoon was sunny and very cold. Even with a wool cap on her head, her jacket zipped and her gloved hands stuffed in her pockets, Lissandra was shivering. I put my arm around her, pulling her close.
“I’m glad you called,” she said, looking at me. “I was hoping we could talk.”
She was so pretty. There was a reddish glow to her cheeks, and I couldn’t tell whether that was from makeup or the cold. “Lissa, things have been sort of crazy for me lately. And I know I’ve been acting a little weird with you.”
“A little weird?” She huffed, smiling. “I was starting to think you were losing your freaking mind.”
I didn’t feel like smiling, but I forced one onto my face. “Okay. I can see where you might think that. I hate that we haven’t been together the way we used to. I’ve missed that. I like you, and in a lot of ways, you are still the best thing that ever happened to me.”
Lissandra’s body got still. She even stopped shivering. “There’s somebody else. Isn’t there?”
“I don’t know if—”
She cut me off. “Is there somebody else? Yes or no.”
“Well… yeah, sort of.”
“How long? How long has this been going on?”
“I don’t know. A couple of weeks, maybe.”
“God, Jerry!” She shoved herself away from me, getting to her feet. “A couple of weeks? You’ve been seeing somebody for weeks? And you’re just telling me this now?”
“Lissandra, I’ve been really confused. There’s so much going on in my head. I didn’t know what to say to you.”
“How about the truth? That’s all I ever wanted from you. I just wanted you to tell me the truth.”
“That’s just it. I don’t really know what the truth is yet. I’m still trying to figure everything out.”
“What are you talking about? You’re seeing another girl. What is there to figure out?”
I wasn’t ready to tell her everything, so I decided to let her go with the assumption that it was another girl involved. “Things have just gotten so complicated for me since she came into the picture.”
“Do you have feelings for her?”
Reluctantly, I nodded. Lissandra’s body slumped as if she was melting. “I still have feelings for you too,” I quickly added, getting to my feet. “That’s the problem.”
“Oh, I see. Your feelings for me are the problem here.”
“No, that’s not what I’m saying. You mean a lot to me, but this other girl means a lot to me too.”
Lissandra pressed her gloved hands to the sides of her face. “Oh God, Jerry. Who is she?” Then, before I could answer, she held out both hands, stopping me. “No, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know. I only need to know one thing. Will it be me or her?”
“Lissandra, you mean so much to me, and I swear to God I don’t want to let you go. But my feelings are sort of torn in two right now, and I don’t know how I’m going to work this out. But I do know that it’s not fair to you for me to keep you hanging on while I try to figure out what’s in my head. It’s not fair for me to keep either of you hanging on. So that’s why I’m telling you all this now.”
She put her hands back to her face and closed her eyes. A wave of pain crease
d her forehead and vanished. She wrapped her arms around herself and looked at me. “Thank you for telling me. I hope, when you figure things out, you’ll come back to me. I love you. But I’m not promising you that I’m going to wait around for you to make up your mind.” She leaned forward and kissed me on the cheek. Then she ran across the yard, climbed into her mom’s car, and drove away.
Now, I just had to have a similar conversation with Hutch.
Chapter 23
MOM knew. I could tell the moment I walked into the kitchen Monday morning for breakfast that she knew.
I could see it in the way she leaned against the counter in her pink scrubs and white sneakers, sipping black coffee from the World’s Greatest Nurse mug I’d given her for her birthday last year, her body tense with irritation. I could hear it in the terse “Good morning” she snapped at me.
“Good morning, Mom.” I got a bowl down from the cabinet and took a box of corn flakes from the pantry. In an effort at stalling, I said, “You want some cereal?”
“No.”
I filled the bowl with cereal and added sugar. “Where’s Dad?”
“On his way to work, and you know that. He’s been leaving at the same time every Monday morning since the semester started.” Mom gestured at the table with her mug. “Sit down. I have some things I want to say to you.”
Great. Breakfast and an angry lecture. What could be better? I poured milk on my cereal, sat down at the table, bowed my head to say a quick grace, and started eating.
Mom weighed right in. “I was surprised, to say the least, when your dad told me about you and Barry. I’m still not quite sure I believe you did something like that. Every medical journal I’ve read on the subject says that sexuality is not a choice. But the Bible says homosexuality is a sin, and I believe that. So, is that what you are? A homosexual sinner?”
The cereal seemed to stick in my throat. This was going to give me indigestion for sure. “Mom, I don’t know how to answer that.”
“It’s simple, Jericho. Are you homosexual?”
“Well, I kind of… uh, I sort of like Hutch a whole lot.”
“So that’s a ‘yes’.”
“But I like Lissandra a whole lot too. So what does that make me?”
“It makes you a sinner in the eyes of God. Jericho, I don’t understand how you could do something like this. And right under our own roof at that. You played on your father’s and my sympathy. You brought this boy into our house to have sex with him.”
That hurt. “Mom, I didn’t bring Hutch into the house planning to have sex with him. I brought him here because he’s my friend, and he needed help. As a matter of fact, I resisted the feelings I had for him for a long time because I didn’t want to do anything here to disrespect you and Dad.”
“But you did have sex with Barry in this house.”
“Yes, ma’am, and I apologize for that, but things just… happened between us. I couldn’t help it.”
Mom threw up her free hand. “Oh my. The oldest excuse in the history of mankind. ‘The devil made me do it.’”
“The devil didn’t have anything to do with it, Mom. What Hutch and I did was… a beautiful thing.”
“Oh, don’t say such a thing to me,” she snapped, offended. “What do you know about the beauty of a relationship? You’re a boy who did a sinful thing with another boy. What ‘beauty’ could there be in that?”
“Well,” I replied, lowering my eyes to my bowl of cereal, “it felt beautiful to me.”
“Now that is coming from the devil,” Mom said, pointing at me. “It’s the devil who’s making you believe having sex with another boy is beautiful. That’s what Satan wants you to think. That’s his way of driving a wedge between you and God.” She came to the table and grabbed my hand, squeezing hard. “Jericho, we’re talking about your eternal soul here. You will spend forever in torment. Don’t you see that? Don’t you see? Homosexuality is not the life God wants for you. It’s not the life your father and I want for you. You can’t be happy living that way.”
“But, Mom, when I’m with Hutch… it makes me happy.”
“Oh….” The sound came out of Mom in a whimper. She turned away, pacing across the floor. Then she turned back to me. “How could you do this, Jericho? How could you do this?”
Her heart was breaking, just as Dad said it would. I could hear it in her voice. I could see it, anguish filling her eyes brightly. And I could feel myself getting close to tears. “Mom, I love you, and I’m sorry if I hurt you. But I’m telling you how I feel. I’m telling you who I am.”
Mom set her mug down on the counter with a harsh thunk and threw up both hands, a gesture of hopelessness. “I don’t know what else to say to you. I am at a complete loss.” She grabbed her coat from the back of the chair where she had draped it and pulled it on. Then she grabbed her purse and her keys and stormed through the door into the garage, slamming the door behind her.
I pushed the bowl of cereal away, my appetite a thing of the past. God, how I loved Mondays.
IT WAS not a bad day in school. In fact, the day went so well, I almost forget how my mom tore me up into bite-sized pieces before leaving for work. Lissandra was cordial to me, giving me a little nod or a reserved smile when we happened to pass each other in the halls. While she wasn’t exactly jumping with joy when she saw me, it sure beat having her ignore me completely as she had been doing. Hutch didn’t seem to hold any grudge about being relocated to my Uncle Vic’s apartment, and we managed not to make goo-goo eyes at each other and thereby broadcast to the whole school that we’d become ex-virgins together. I got an A on a history quiz and found a dollar on the floor of the cafeteria while moving through the serving line, which none of the people ahead of me claimed when I tried to find the rightful owner. (Mac told me I was an idiot for even asking.) I used the windfall to buy an extra dessert.
I had fun walking home with Mac, although it was sort of sad not having Hutch with us. He had to catch a bus to get back to my Uncle Vic’s. It seemed I couldn’t get Hutch off my mind all day. I hated that I couldn’t meet him somewhere to steal a kiss and feel him up. I was grounded through Friday, but Hutch and I would definitely get together once my punishment was over. I still had to give him the same speech I gave Lissandra and put our relationship on hold. The only thing was that, when I really thought about it, I didn’t want to put Hutch on hold. I just wanted to hold him again.
“Basketball practice starts up next Monday,” Mac announced as we arrived at his house. “You ready for it?”
“I’m kinda out of shape,” I admitted. “Maybe I should start running some laps around the track during lunch period tomorrow instead of feeding my face.”
“Sounds like that would be a good thing for you, man. I could use a run myself. Turkey Day is next week. Gotta get the old stomach in shape for that.” He patted his belly. “Why don’t you get into some sweats and meet me out here in ten minutes? We can take a jog down to the park, make a couple of laps, and jog back.”
I reached up and gave Mac a swat across his forehead.
He gave me a puzzled look. “What was that for?”
“Grounded,” I replied, pointing at myself. “Remember?”
“Oh yeah. Dang, man, you’re trying really hard for that most-grounded-kid-of-the-year award, huh? Well, I’m gonna get my jog on before dinner. See ya later.”
Mac went into his house as I headed home. I pulled the mail from our box at the curb and walked up to the house. I put down my backpack and tucked the mail into one of the pouches on the side. As I stood at the door, digging in my pocket for my key, I heard the voice behind me.
“Where is he?”
With a start, I spun around, my heart thumping in my throat. “Mr. Hutchison? What’re you doing here?” How the hell had such a big man come up behind me so quietly?
“Where’s Barry, Jericho?” Mr. Hutchison repeated, speaking in quiet, calm tones. He moved in close, forcing my back against the door, practically pinning me against
the house with his bulk.
“He’s not here,” I replied.
“I can see that. Don’t play games with me. Tell me where he is.”
“I don’t know where he is.”
Very slowly, Mr. Hutchison raised his fist. He planted it against the door with a deep thud, right next to my head. I flinched. The implication was clear. His fist could have just as easily gone into my face instead of the door. “I told you not to play games with me.”
“You’d better get out of here. My dad—”
“Won’t be home for at least another two hours,” Mr. Hutchison finished. “He never makes it home before six on Mondays. Your mother gets home even later. I know their routine, Jericho. I watched.”
This man is nuts. The thought made me even more nervous. I tried to slide away from him. He planted his other arm against the door, trapping me.
“I just want Barry,” Mr. Hutchison said in that same maddeningly reasonable tone. He began to twist his fists, grinding them against the door.
“Look, Mr. Hutchison. I don’t want any trouble with you.”
“You won’t get any trouble from me, Jericho. Just take me to Barry. My car’s right down the street there. You take me to Barry, and once I have him, you’ll never have to worry about seeing either of us again.”
“I’m not telling you where he is. You’ll just hurt him again.”
He seemed surprised. “Is that what you think I want, Jericho? To hurt someone? If that’s the case, and since Barry’s not here but you are, then who do you think I’m going to hurt?” He casually moved his right hand over and grabbed the collar of my jacket, balling it into his fist.
I tried to muster some backbone, but I could feel myself starting to shake. “Mr. Hutchison, let me go.”
