The Plucker: A Beastly Crimes Book

by Anna Starobinets

  One of the table legs snapped; the table tilted to one side. The rats devoured the broken leg and attacked the remaining three legs with renewed vigor. Something forcefully rammed into the ceiling, causing it to run with cracks.

  “They’re coming from up above too,” said Badgercat indifferently. It was as if none of this was happening to him. As if it was merely a beastly drama on the root-tube. He wanted one thing only: for the beastly drama to end as quickly as possible.

  “I wonder who will reach us first. The ones up above or the ones down below?” asked Badger, as if genuinely curious.

  Immediately, as if in response, another blow came from above. The ceiling cracked and crumbled, and from the resulting hole came Super Bat. She nosedived into the room, her snout smashed and bloodied, gripping a rope with her feet.

  She finally rammed into something. The thought flashed across Badger’s mind. But why here?

  “Is it really important that you are the one who kills us?” asked Badgercat. “Or do you not trust your rabid rats to get the job done? Are you planning on tying us up, so we’re completely defenseless?”

  “Idiots!” screeched Super Bat, flying in circles around the cell. “I heard your sorry radio signal with my supersensitive echo locators! I flew here to save you!”

  “Why should we believe you?” asked Badgercat.

  “Because you have no choice, you idiotic animals! Grab hold of the two ends of the rope! I’ll pull you up to safety!”

  “A bat can’t pull up two animals. Especially if one of them is a badger with excess fat,” said Chief Badger. “But one lean, trim Badgercat—now that’s doable. Grab the rope, Son! Save yourself before these savages knock over the table!”

  “No way. I won’t leave you here alone.” Badgercat defiantly turned away from the rope dangling in front of his nose.

  “Silence! A super bat with my level of super abilities is capable of pulling up ten animals!” screeched Super Bat. “I order you to save yourselves immediately!”

  * * *

  The table collapsed into the pulsing rat-mass just as Chief Badger and Badgercat grabbed on to opposite ends of the rope. Super Bat flew upward toward the hole in the ceiling but was immediately pulled down and to the side by Chief Badger’s weight. She hung in the air, feverishly batting her wings. They saw the rats pounce on the wrecked table, instantly devouring it. Chief Badger’s tail and back paws hung so low that they almost touched the rats’ snapping, foaming jaws.

  “Maybe it’s best I let go!” yelled Badger.

  “Silence!” screeched Super Bat. “I’m working out an issue that has arisen. I’m adjusting my trajectory! I’ll be ready for takeoff any minute now.”

  “If I let go, they’ll simply rip me apart,” said Badger. “But if they bite me before we take off, I’ll become just like them. I prefer the first option.”

  “Enough, Chief Badger!” squealed Super Bat. “Assistant Chief Badger, listen to my command!”

  “Aye aye!” yelled Badgercat eagerly. He was so flattered to be called by his old title that he almost started purring at the highest level of bliss.

  “On the count of one, brace yourself. On the count of two, ready yourself to pounce. And on the count of three, without letting go of the rope, leap in the direction of the hole in the ceiling. On the count of three, I also will make my way to the hole at maximum speed. The combined force of my flight and your leap will allow me to save all the captives! One . . . two . . . three!”

  CHAPTER 37: IN WHICH SUPER BATS DON'T CRY

  “I figured out they were just using me!” Super Bat spread her wings in anger, but immediately whimpered and folded them back up. A sharp pain seared through them with even the slightest movement, all due to overexertion.

  Super Bat hated being powerless, but right now she had no choice. In order to let her wings recover, she was forced to accept Badgercat’s offer of being carried. It was debasing and disgusting. She felt like a moth who had scorched her wings and was picked up out of pity.

  “They were using me! They were using me the whole time!” Super Bat felt a strange stinging sensation in her eyes and nose.

  “Don’t cry, Super Bat,” said Chief Badger panting. He could barely keep up with Badgercat racing down the night path.

  “Super Bats don’t cry!” said Super Bat in exasperation and sniffled. “Almost never! The only time I ever cried was one year ago. Because I was so angry with myself! I was tasked with delivering a valuable shipment, and I failed.”

  “Any chance that shipment was bird’s milk?” asked Badgercat.

  “That Sneaky Sal stole from you?” added Chief Badger.

  “It turns out you are slightly less stupid than you seem,” said Super Bat. “Yes, it was bird’s milk. Phoenix milk, to be exact. I was supposed to deliver it to Madame Weasel. Back then, I trusted her wholeheartedly. Holy claw! I’ve always trusted her wholeheartedly! I was sure she needed the bird’s milk for a good cause. That she cared about the health and longevity of animals. That the milk would be given to a science laboratory to develop cures for sick and elderly animals! But Weasel was terrified of finding gray hairs in her fluffy tail or wrinkles on her smooth nose. She would spend hours looking in the mirror. Turns out she was searching for the secret of eternal youth for herself. And herself alone! But I refused to believe it. I was blindly loyal to her. And now? Now I let myself be lied to again! I believed that they put me in charge of the Plucker case because I was the most talented special agent. Because the top trusted me most of all. Because I was the only one capable of finding and apprehending the maniac. But it turns out they were only using me as a smoke screen. A smoke screen and an involuntary accomplice to their crimes!”

  “It turns out you’re slightly more stupid than you seem,” mumbled Badgercat.

  “Silence!” screeched Super Bat trying to spread her wings. But immediately faltered. “Although, you’re right. I am stupid. I am just a flying rat.”

  “So you heard us calling you that?” asked Badger, embarrassed.

  “I hear everything! I have super hearing! I have a hundred super abilities—and I still got fooled! Those feathers I was collecting on Weasel’s orders—they weren’t needed for safeguarding the birds! They were needed to find the phoenix! Who is needed for the aging Madame Weasel! The thought of retiring gives her panic attacks. In fact, the word retire is prohibited at the top! A phoenix is capable of eternal rebirth, and its milk has rejuvenating powers. That’s who Weasel has been tirelessly, maniacally searching for her whole life! How am I any . . .” Super Bat’s eyes bulged, and her mouth opened and closed wordlessly.

  “We can’t hear you, Super Bat,” said Chief Badger, wincing. “You’ve switched to ultrasound.”

  “How am I any better than Ratty, who plucked the raven and the sparrow under Weasel’s orders?” squealed Super Bat desperately. Beady tear droplets sparkled in her eyes.

  “You’re better than him. . . because you don’t wish . . . to cause anyone . . . harm. You worked for . . . Weasel . . . without knowing . . . her true intentions . . .” Chief Badger panted, trying to catch his breath. “You were just . . . obeying the orders . . . of your superior . . . And once you realized . . . you came to rescue us . . . from the rabid . . . rats.”

  “I tried to help you before the rats!” screeched Super Bat. “I’d already realized yesterday that you were in danger!”

  “Wow. Yesterday? You sure catch on quick,” said Badgercat mockingly.

  “Yes, yesterday!” Super Bat’s supersensitive echo locators didn’t register his sarcasm. “I was the one who sent Badger that threatening letter.”

  “Why?” asked Chief Badger.

  “What do you mean, ‘why?’ Because I wanted to scare you into retiring. And then—how convenient—I summon you to my office to sign the retirement paperwork. But you—”

  “May I ask,” interrupted Badger, “what happened yesterday that made you realize we were in danger?”

  “Because yesterday the to
p finally found the phoenix! And you know too much! You were supposed to quietly disappear. And if it wasn’t for me and my super abilities . . .”

  “Who is the phoenix?” wheezed Chief Badger. “What bird is the phoenix?”

  “But you already know who it is!” said Badgercat.

  Super Bat spread her wings and wordlessly opened her mouth. She screeched the name of the bird in ultrasound, but Chief Badger understood her anyway.

  He already knew who it was.

  CHAPTER 38: THE LAST ONE

  A white wing of fire obscured the dawn sky. Crimson sparks and flying clumps of sizzling dirt. The crackling of burning pine roots and needles. A plume of black smoke where the straw-covered porch once was. After all, straw burns easily; it ignites quickly. And there was his front door, now resembling the charred, black, screaming mouth of a defeated beast. That was the door to his burrow—or what used to be his burrow.

  Not this. Not again. A wing of fire and smoldering ruins in place of his home where he had given shelter to a scared bird. His wife and daughter . . . Chief Badger closed his eyes. At least this time, his family hadn’t been there.

  “Starling,” said Chief Badger mournfully. “How I had hoped he wasn’t the phoenix.”

  “But,” mumbled Badgercat, “you said the phoenix was a crowned crane.”

  “Last time it was a crowned crane,” Badger said, nodding in agreement. “But it was reborn as something else. No one knows what bird a phoenix will be reborn into.”

  “But his grandfather . . . Starling had a grandfather . . . What was his name? Starling the Elder! How can a phoenix born from ashes have a grandfather who is a starling?”

  “Adoptive,” said Badger. “He was his adoptive grandfather. Starling was an orphan. But I still hoped it wasn’t him. There wasn’t any direct evidence, only circumstantial. Only theories.”

  “What theories?” asked Badgercat, surprised. “I didn’t know about any theories!”

  “You’re suspended from police work. It wasn’t your duty to think about it, but it was mine. And so I thought about it. Vulture said he had mixed up the feathers. That day he had submitted three feathers: his own, Starling’s, and raven Sarah’s. But Sarah’s feather was white. It’s hard to mix up. But both Vulture and Starling have black feathers. If Vulture mislabeled Starling’s feather with his own name, then it’s quite obvious why he was plucked so ruthlessly, right at the station, right after your capture. They tested the feather labeled ‘vulture,’ and a new feather was born from the ashes. So they came to get the mystical bird. But the bird turned out to be completely ordinary. But that was merely a theory. Also, Starling came looking for refuge. Of course he understood they would come for him, once they figured out the mix-up. But that, too, was only a guess. Starling could’ve easily just been scared. Not because he was the phoenix but because he’s a vulnerable little bird.”

  “And you let him in your house?”

  “I would’ve let him in either way, whether he was a scared, vulnerable bird or a phoenix who was being chased. In the end, a burrow is simply a burrow. You can always dig a new one.”

  “Those poor ladies,” said Super Bat looking at the flames, transfixed. “It is commendable how composed you are remaining, Chief Badger.”

  “What ladies?” asked Chief Badger, gaping at Super Bat.

  “Oh. You don’t know?” Super Bat looked away.

  “Know what?” Chief Badger screamed so loud that Badgercat tucked his tail and flattened his ears.

  “Your wife and daughter. When I was flying to save you, I saw them walking into your burrow.”

  “And you didn’t say anything to them?” whispered Badgercat.

  “What was I supposed to say?” squealed Super Bat. “I didn’t know Badger had hidden the phoenix in his house . . . Hey, stand down! Chief Badger of the Far Woods Police! Do not go into the fire!” she screamed, switching to ultrasound.

  “Badger, come back!” yelled Badgercat desperately.

  But Badger ignored Super Bat’s screeching and the accompanying pain in his head from her high-pitched voice and Badgercat’s yells. He ran toward the burrow engulfed in flames and smoke. Last time he didn’t go into the fire. But this time he would and without a single regret. He’d promised that once this case was closed he would be with his family. And he would honor that promise. Whatever awaited him beyond this world, beyond the veil of black smoke—whether it be the loving embrace of the Celestial Bear Father or the evil Fiery Hyena or just cold, black nothingness—he would be there with his family.

  “Papa! Stop!” came an alarmed female voice that sounded very much like Barbara’s. And it wasn’t coming from the burning burrow.

  Chief Badger stopped and turned around. His daughter, wrapped in a wool blanket, was frantically waving her paws at him, slopping tea out of a disposable birch cup. Doc Hawk fluttered above her.

  * * *

  “. . . that’s when Starling flew out of the basement with a cup of bird’s milk!” Barbara spread her paws, imitating Starling’s flight, spilling the rest of her tea.

  “You shouldn’t have spilled all your calming tea,” said Hawk shaking his head. “You’re very distressed. Please pull yourself together.”

  “I am completely pulled together!” Barbara waved him away. “I don’t want any tea. I just saw a phoenix!”

  “And then what?” asked Badgercat. “He brought out the milk and then went up in flames?”

  “No, no! He demanded that they let me and Mama go and then poured the milk out on the floor. The three of them—Ratty, Pigeon, and Weasel—immediately let go of us and lunged to lick it up. I think they lost their minds even before drinking the milk. At least Weasel did. She screamed that there wasn’t enough milk for the three of them and bit off Pigeon’s head right as he went to take a sip.” Barbara frowned in disgust. “Pigeon ran around the room for a bit, while Ratty and Weasel lapped up the milk, purring. Then they attacked each other, and Ratty”—Barbara shut her eyes for a second—“ripped out Weasel’s heart.”

  Super Bat shivered and screeched something inaudible at a very high frequency.

  “What a shocking spectacle for such a young badger,” said Hawk throwing his wings up in desperation. “I can’t imagine how many mouse-therapy sessions you’ll need to rid you of those beastly images!”

  “I don’t want to get rid of those images,” protested Barbara. “I’m glad those beasts mauled each other! I’ll always think of it as a happy memory, and I’m sure Mama will too!”

  “What about Ratty?” asked Badgercat tensely.

  “Ratty”—Barbara clenched her jaw—“licked the floor clean and came at me and Mama, brandishing his claws. After drinking the milk he had become even scarier than before. It was as if he’d grown an extra row of teeth. And he’d somehow gotten bigger. And his eyes—they didn’t blink, just his pupils pulsated. And he was hissing.”

  “Hissing?” Badgercat instinctively let out his claws.

  “Hissing like a snake. Then Starling yelled to me and Mama, ‘Run! I’ll deal with him!’”

  “He yelled that?” asked Chief Badger. “Those were his own words? He didn’t repeat them after anyone?”

  “Of course they were his own words! Then he pounced on Ratty and started pecking him in the back, and Mama and I took off running. When we were all the way at that pine tree, we heard an explosion and saw the burrow go up in flames. And Mama said . . . she said . . .” Barbara suddenly screwed up her face and began to cry. She looked like a small, distraught cub. “She said it meant that he was gone. That our Starling had died. And Ratty had died. And that this had all happened before. But Mama also said that Starling, I mean, the phoenix would be reborn from the ashes. But Ratty would not.”

  “I wouldn’t be so sure when it comes to Ratty,” said Badgercat darkly.

  “Where’s your mother?” Chief Badger asked Barbara. “I understand she’s exhausted from this ordeal, but when can I see her?”

  “You can’t,” said
Barbara.

  “What do you mean?”

  “She went back to Underwood. She said that she loves you, but that she’ll never come back here again because everything repeats itself. She asked that you not look for her. She told me to tell you, ‘No.’”

  “But. . . maybe. . . you know how to convince her. Don’t you, Barbara?” muttered Chief Badger. “We both know Meli has different ‘nos,’ and some of them could easily turn into ‘maybe’ or even ‘surely.’”

  “No. This ‘no’ was a definite ‘no,’” said Barbara sadly. “Mama’s decision is final. But I also made a decision: I’m going to stay in the Far Woods! I want to work for the police.”

  “It’s dangerous work, Barbara. You saw so for yourself,” said Badger despondently.

  “I know! I like that it’s dangerous. Just like you do, Papa. Don’t pretend you don’t enjoy your job.”

  “I’m retiring, Barbara. This was my final case. I’m no longer Chief Badger of the Far Woods Police. You are a grown badger and are free to choose your calling. I have no say in the matter.”

  “Then who does?” asked Barbara.

  “Her,” said Badger pointing at Super Bat. “She is chief now.”

  “Badger Barbara, you are accepted into police training,” said Super Bat.

  “Yay!” Barbara hopped around excitedly. Badgercat turned away. He couldn’t stand to watch someone else’s happiness, a happiness that was familiar to him yet unobtainable.

  “Your title will be Second Assistant Chief Badger of the Far Woods Police.”

  “Who will be Assistant Chief Badger?” asked Barbara.

  “Badgercat, for his rudeness and arrogance . . . I mean, for his courage and agility, I reinstate him as a police badger.”

  “Good luck, everyone,” whispered Badger and slowly shuffled away.

  “Stop right there!” screeched Super Bat. “Don’t move, Chief Badger. Your request to retire has been denied.”

  “By whom?” asked Chief Badger, surprised.

  “By me,” said Super Bat.