by Dani Lovell
"I don't want someone 'like' Daniel, I want Daniel. Oh god," I say, wiping my face and trying to compose myself, "where's Luke?"
"Oh, he's still asleep, don't worry."
"Phew. Are you seeing him again before we go?"
"I don't know, love, we haven't talked about it, might do. I'll defo see him next time I come though, phwoar!"
I laugh, but a pang of jealousy hits me in the gut. She can see Luke whenever she wants, without getting caught up, emotionally. She can come back to LA and experience this again. She'll probably see Daniel again, too... but I won't. She might see Daniel with another girl, they might double date. The thought is too depressing.
"Til, promise me something?"
"Anything, doll."
"Next time you come, when you see Luke, can you not go on a double date with Daniel and some other girl?"
She chuckles and gives me a big hug. "Of course I won't, darling. If I see Luke next time, we won't be going on 'dates' anyway, we're fuck buddies."
"How can you be so casual about it? Aren't you getting any feelings for him? You look like you're made for each other."
"Yes, I really like him, I think he's funny and sweet, not to mention wild in the bedroom, but I am keeping my emotional distance. I won't fall for someone like Luke. We all know he wouldn't do the same for me."
"He might, Tilly, you don't know how special you are."
"That's sweet, Bea, but he likes his ladies and I am not 'special' enough to change that. I'm aware of that, so that's how I can keep my distance, emotionally. It's different for you and Daniel, you both want each other, you both want a relationship. Luke doesn't and neither do I."
I nod, although I'm not sure she's being entirely honest. If Luke vowed to become a one woman man and asked Tilly to be his girlfriend, I think she'd go for it (if they lived near each other, that is). I think he hides behind his womanising reputation to keep himself from getting hurt, and I think Tilly's reluctance to admit that she'd like a relationship, is her cushion against the blow of rejection.
But that's my humble opinion and I might be completely wrong. Maybe I think that because I cannot comprehend why two compatible people don't want to feel love for one another.
"Now, take some deep breaths, I'm making tea, would you like one?"
"Yes, please Til. What are you doing today?"
"Ooh, well, I thought we could do the theme park?"
"That sounds fun."
"Yes, and you need to do something fun to take your mind off it."
Tilly goes to make the tea and I decide that it's time to make my bed and get ready, try to enjoy my holiday, post Daniel. I don't really want to go to a theme park, I don't want to do anything, but I'm in glorious Los Angeles and I only have a few days left, I need to make the most of it.
~~~~~~~
About an hour later, I have showered, dressed and tidied the lounge. I make myself another cup of tea and sit on the sofa, reading the first part of the trilogy I was supposed to start reading on the aeroplane, before I got distracted.
I hear the click of Tilly's bedroom door, and turn to see Luke strolling towards me. "Hey, sweet lips!"
His greeting makes me smile.
He sits next to me on the sofa, making himself very comfortable, resting his ankle on top of one knee and spreading his arms along the back of the sofa.
"Hi Luke, do you want tea or breakfast?"
"No, I'm good, thanks. Tilly made some earlier. So, she says Daniel's gone?"
"Yes, he left earlier."
"And you're not seeing each other again?"
I look down. This feels awkward, having this conversation with Tilly's fuck buddy, Daniel's best friend. "Um, no. We're not planning on seeing each other anymore."
"That's such a shame, Bea. You know, he really likes you. A lot."
My heart thumps violently, thinking about him feeling that way for me. "Thank you, Luke, I like him a lot, too."
"Bea, I've known Danny for over ten years, you know we're like brothers."
"Uh huh?" Where's he going with this?
"The thing is, I've never known him to like anyone, as much as he likes you, Bea. I know I'm breaking some brotherly 'code' or whatever, by telling you this, but honestly, I think he'd probably tell you himself, given the chance."
"Luke, please, I can't hear this right now. I want to see him, believe me, but it can't happen."
"Tilly told me why you're not seeing each other again, and I get it - I do - it makes sense, but I think you're both crazy. You two are so good together."
"Not when I'm in England and Daniel is here."
"Hey, it's not my place to get involved, but if you want him or need him, he'll be there in a shot. He's a good guy. Just saying." He holds his hands up in his defense.
"I know, Luke. And thank you. Look after him."
He winks at me and smiles a gorgeous, handsome smile. I can see why Tilly likes him, he's very good looking and really sweet, like she says.
Tilly strolls out of the bedroom holding their teacups, dressed in daisy dukes and a white vest, with wet hair hanging down her back. Luke wolf whistles and jumps off the sofa to follow her to the kitchen. "Dang, you're hot!"
"So are you, Lukey," she says with a smile as she exits the kitchen, passing him.
Luke stands against the kitchen door frame, arms crossed, eyeing her up. "So, what are you girls doing today?"
"We're going to go to the theme park, fancy giving us a lift?" Tilly answers, cheekily.
"Of course I'll give you a ride. Sounds fun, can I come? Pleeeease?"
"Um..." Tilly looks in my direction, nervously. I know she's worried that I won't want to be the third wheel but doesn't want to say 'no' to Luke.
"Of course you can, Luke," I reply, I know she wants him there, and he is great company. I'll just have to deal with him reminding me of Daniel all day. Joy. "But I have one rule, girls and boys," I add.
Luke's grin is contagious, he's really excited! He's like a little boy.
"Don't make me feel like a spare part."
"Of course not, Bea, I can't think of anything better than having two of the hottest, British girls in California, on my arm for the day."
~~~~~~~
By about six, we're in the car, driving home. It's been a fun day, Luke has been the most wonderful friend, not once did he and Tilly make me feel like a gooseberry. He treated us both like princesses and had us laughing all day. God bless that lovely man.
There were a few times, throughout the day, when I just wanted to curl up in a ball, but Luke somehow managed to pull me out of it and make me have fun. He really is a great guy, just like Daniel said, I just can't see how Tilly isn't falling for him.
"Do you girls want to grab a bite to eat? I'd love to take you out for dinner."
"That sounds fun, what do you think, Bea?" Tilly asks.
I don't want to go out, I want to go home, read a little and curl up in bed. I have managed to have fun today and it's been great, but right now, I just want to be on my own. "I don't really fancy going out, but you two go, I'm looking forward to reading my book in bed."
"I'll come with you, we can go out another night, can't we Luke?"
"No! Tilly, I want you two to go out and have fun, I'm fine on my own, you know I like my own space sometimes. Please, go and have fun."
"Are you sure, Bea?"
"One hundred percent, please. Have fun, you two, I'll be fine."
"Hey, Bea. Tilly and I can always stay at my place tonight, give you some time alone?" Luke says, and that's exactly what I was hoping for, the last thing I need is to hear them having sex.
"That sounds good. Thank you, Luke."
He drops me back at the house and they head straight out. As I walk into the pool-house, I take a deep breath and enjoy the silence, alone with my thoughts. I lock the doors, go to the bathroom to run myself a bath and then pour a glass of red wine. Sitting down on the sofa, I take a long sip and stretch my legs out to the coffee table.
My bath is so wonderfully relaxing, dunking my head under the water - it's like washing away some of the sadness, refreshing my soul.
I do feel better, strolling around the pool-house with no make-up on, clean, wet hair hanging down my back, nightie and dressing gown on, cosy and comfortable. I make up the bed, ready for me to curl up, with my iPhone, ready to read.
I lay tucked up, unable to concentrate on my book. It's everything I love in a book, raunchy, romantic, sexy, but I can't stop thinking about raunchy romantic, sexy stuff with Daniel. I'm holding my iPhone, wanting so much to call him, hear his deep voice, tell him how much I want him laying here with me. I almost wish I'd never met him, because at least then, I wouldn't know. I wouldn't crave him, need him, love... no, no. It's far too soon for all that, I'm upset and thinking irrationally, my emotions are on the extreme.
I stay strong, managing not to contact him. I curl up on 'Daniel's side' and drift off to sleep. Every time I stir, I can smell him on the pillow and it sends me back into another restless dream about him. I keep thinking I can hear his alarm, beeping, but as soon as I open my eyes, it's gone.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
THURSDAY 20TH SEPTEMBER
"Bea... Bea, wake up, love, it's ok."
I stir as a sob bursts out of my chest. A hand rubs my back, soothingly. I'm crying? Tilly leans down to hug me. "It's ok, Bea, what were you dreaming about?"
"Um," I sniff and wipe the tears from my face with both hands, "I didn't know I was crying. I was dreaming about him."
"Oh, doll, you've got it bad, haven't you? Are you ok now?"
"Yes, thanks. I'm fine. I didn't know you were home, what time is it?"
"About ten."
"Oh, I slept for ages, although I did wake up a lot, during the night."
"I should have stayed with you."
"No, Tilly, I wanted to be on my own, I was quite pleased that the two of you stayed at Luke's, no offence."
Tilly giggles. "None taken. What would you like to do today? I'd like to see Jack for a bit, I haven't spent much time with him, but we could do something else as well?"
"I think I'd like a day chilling out around here, if that's ok with you. Maybe a pool day? I can try to get into my book and get over hot stuff."
"Good idea."
"How was last night? Did you have fun?" I ask genuinely interested and wanting to hear all the goss.
"It was good, thank you."
"Hey! Don't hold back on the details just because I'm miserable. I want to know!"
Tilly grins and climbs into bed with me, and we talk about what she and Luke got up to last night. This is exactly what I need, chilling in bed with one of my best friends, chatting and giggling about her new, temporary lover-boy. We stay there for at least an hour before Tilly makes us both a cuppa and gets back into bed. She knows what I need.
I managed to pull myself out of bed and throw on a bikini, and of course, some mascara, before heading out to the pool for a relaxing day of floating, sunbathing and reading. Tilly had her play time with Jack, which she was so looking forward to. She's great with him, a fantastic Auntie and a natural with kids. I'm surprised she doesn't talk about wanting kids, she doesn't seem interested, but she's just so good with them.
I dozed a little on the lilo, attempted to read my iBook by the side of the pool and caught a few rays. I probably don't need to mention that I thought of Daniel every second of every minute of the day.
That evening, Gemma and Jay prepared another sumptuous BBQ meal, the table was covered in delicious meats and salads. It was wonderful, if only I could eat. I put a little salad and couscous on my plate and picked at it, but I couldn't stomach anything more than a few mouthfuls. I excused myself once everyone seemed to have finished and went to sit alone, in the quiet of the pool-house.
I closed my eyes and put my head between my knees, I can't bear this feeling, my stomach hurts, my chest hurts and nothing will make it go away. I curl into a ball, close my eyes, and let the tears fall. Good god, why am I being such a cry-baby over all of this?
CHAPTER TWELVE
FRIDAY 21ST SEPTEMBER
"Wakey, wakey, rise and shine, I can see your bot-bot!" Tilly chirps, cheerily.
I groan and throw the covers over my bottom, I must remember to wear my pj bottoms tonight. Morning," I say, yawning and rubbing my eyes, they're sore and swollen from all the crying. And the kick in the gut strikes again. Oh.
"You slept quite late again today, sweet cheeks, it's quarter past ten."
"Ugh, I feel like I've had two hours."
"Hey, I had an idea." She sits next to me on my bed and hands me a cup of tea. "I spoke to Gemma earlier and we thought it'd be nice if we had a night out tonight, go for some drinks and dancing. They're getting a sitter so we can all have a fun night out."
"That sounds good, Tilly."
"Oh, a little more enthusiasm please, Beatrice! I thought we could go to Beverly Hills today, have a spot of lunch, treat ourselves to a fabulous outfit for tonight, and then come home, get dolled up and hit the tiles. Doesn't that sound fun?"
Initially, the idea of a night out was just 'ok', but now that I've heard the plan for the day, I want to kiss her. She really is trying to take my mind off everything and this sounds perfect. "That does sound wonderful, Til, thank you. How exciting!" Taking a sip of tea, I continue. "Aren't you seeing Luke tonight then?"
"Bea, he's not my boyfriend, you know. But no, we texted this morning, I said I wanted some girly time with you, and he's going to stay in with Daniel tonight, have some bromance time or whatever it is boys do, I'd rather not know," she says with a giggle.
The thud in the chest returns with a vengeance.
~~~~~~~
It's twelve o'clock, and Tilly and I are strolling down Rodeo Drive, popping in and out of beautiful shops. I saw a pair of shoes that I loved, a beautiful dress in Dolce and Gabbana, some super sexy, red sandals, a red jumpsuit and a black cocktails dress all from Valentino. I want everything, but it's all massively over budget. We decide - as we haven't found a dress that we like for less than a grand, on Rodeo Drive - to head to Neiman Marcus and see what we can find there.
It feels like I've tried on about four hundred dresses in Neiman Marcus, and I am in love with everything. As crappy as I feel about Daniel, shopping has really cheered me up somewhat, especially as I've told myself that I can have a treat on my credit card. When I get home to the UK, I'm going to have to eat cereal for breakfast, lunch and dinner to repay all the money I've spent. Oh well.
We both finally pick our dresses; Tilly chooses a grey, sequin dress. It's short with elbow length sleeves and is covered in large grey/black sequins. She looks stunning in it and in accentuates her gorgeous legs.
My dress is amazing and I adore it. It's a short, cream dress, covered with silvery beads and trimmed around the bottom with ostrich feathers. It is fitted and has a round, low back, it fits me perfectly. I have never worn such a pretty dress, and too bloody right, it's costing me a small fortune! I found a matching, beaded clutch bag and Tilly has gone all out and bought a seriously expensive, beautiful, pewter clutch.
I mean, we like to shop... a lot, and we have bought many a thing that was over budget before, but I'm not sure I planned to spend quite this much. But sod it, I'm having a fun night out in Hollywood tonight, and I've been feeling like total shit, so I'm going to treat myself and fucking enjoy it.
Tilly bought a pair of grey, high heeled pumps that match her dress perfectly, and I'm torn between some ridiculously expensive Manolo Blahnik silver glittery heels, and some nude, suede heels that I saw on Rodeo Drive.
"Manol
o's!" Tilly shouts, enthusiastically.
"You would say that, they're the most expensive!"
"How much?"
"Six-fifty... quid, not dollars!"
"Do it, treat yourself, they'll last forever. Otherwise we have to walk all the way down to Rodeo Drive again. Buy them and let's eat, we haven't had anything since breakfast."
"Sod it, I love them. They're mine!"
"Yay! We're going to look hot, hot, hot!"
We find somewhere small and low-key to have lunch, and then the wonderful Gemma comes to collect us. It's amazing how fast time flies when you're shopping. As soon as we get home, we start to get ready. This constant distraction it's keeping me pre-occupied, Daniel is still on my mind all the time, but I don't have time to dwell.
~~~~~~~
Gemma knocks on the door as I'm applying my make-up. "Margaritas, ladies! Woohoo!"
"Oh, yum! Thank you. You look gorgeous, Gemma!" I say, taking the drink from her. She is wearing a short, purple, chiffon dress with heavy ruffles at the bottom and sheer cap sleeves, with matching purple heels.
"Thank you, Bea, you haven't seen me dolled up for quite a while."
"And you still look as lovely as you did the last time, if not, even more so."
"Thank you, sweetness. What are you wearing, not that I hope!" she says, pointing to my dressing gown.
"No, I'm wearing the fabulously expensive dress and Manolo's I bought today, can't wait!"
Tilly comes out of the bedroom looking incredible.
"Wow!" Gemma and I cry, in unison. "Tilly, you look stunning!" I add.
"Thank you. Bea, you'd better hurry up love."
"Oh I won't be long, just finishing my face and then all I need to do is get my dress on."
"Well spit spot," she says, as they both head out onto the deck, to wait for me to finish.
I take a deep breath and exhale through pursed lips, trying to push the sad thoughts of Daniel out of my mind. Beautifying myself isn't fun, knowing that he won't see me. I don't want to feel sexy unless he's there. But I need to snap out of this and feel good about myself. I can always pretend.
