Chapter 13
Coco was seven months pregnant when Ian disappeared to write, in June. She missed him a lot at first. They had spent so much time together, but then she got used to it. She got busy preparing for the baby. She was nervous about the delivery, without her mother or any female relatives to get her through it.
And in July, as the judge had said, she got her decree absolute in the mail, and she was divorced. The marriage to Nigel was over. It was a painful chapter in her life, and she had nothing to show for it except a house in London and the baby. His parental rights had been terminated along with the marriage, in exchange for the estate in Sussex.
The last weeks of her pregnancy were the hardest. There was a heat wave in London, and she felt like a beached whale. She never heard from Nigel, and didn’t want to. He had no part in the baby’s life now, or her future. She wondered if Ian would check in with her before the baby was born, but he didn’t. He was lost in his own world somewhere. She talked to Sam a lot at the end, and showed him her enormous belly on FaceTime. It looked like she had a beach ball under her dress, and she couldn’t imagine how she was going to push the baby out. It seemed like an impossible feat. She admitted to Sam that she was scared. He was sorry he wasn’t there with her.
A week before her due date, he told her that Tamar was two months pregnant.
“Wow, that was fast!” Coco commented. They’d been married for two months.
“She got pregnant on our wedding night.” She was twenty-three. Sam was respectful and protective of her. She was his wife now, and soon to be the mother of his child. He admitted to Coco that being a father scared him. It was so much responsibility. He had a wife and would have a child soon. Tamar had been sick from the beginning. He felt sorry for her. Coco promised to call Sam as soon as she went into labor.
Leslie had offered to drive her to the hospital, but she wasn’t going to stay with her. Coco was going to manage it alone with the midwife and the labor nurses. She felt awkward having Leslie watch her deliver. She would have liked to have her mother there. She didn’t know what to expect. She didn’t know anyone who’d ever had a baby, and could tell her the truth. She only knew what she’d read in books, which scared her more. She took some birthing classes, but she felt unprepared anyway.
Conveniently, she went into labor at the office. She had worked until the last day. She didn’t know what it was at first, and thought it was something she’d eaten, and then the cramps turned into contractions by lunchtime. She didn’t want to go home and be alone, so she just stayed there, and by four o’clock, the pains were strong, and she called the midwife, who told her to come in to be checked.
“Okay, you’re on,” she said to Leslie, holding on to her desk as another contraction started. “My midwife said to come to the hospital now,” she said through clenched teeth. She hadn’t complained about it all day, and Leslie was shocked.
“Are you having it now?”
“Not this minute, but soon, I hope,” Coco said to her. “We have to pick my bag up on the way.”
They walked out to Leslie’s car, and she ran inside to get Coco’s bag at her house, and they were at the hospital twenty minutes later. By then the pains had gotten a lot worse. A nurse came out to the car, and put Coco in a wheelchair.
“Good luck!” Leslie said, as they rolled her away, and Coco waved. “You’ll be a mum the next time I see you!” Leslie called after her, and felt sad for her that she was going to be alone without her mother, or the baby’s father. Coco had been very clear that she didn’t want her to stay. This was something she felt she had to do alone. Leslie didn’t want to insist and embarrass her. She went back to the office and puttered around, worrying about her, and waiting for Coco to call her after the baby was delivered.
A nurse helped Coco undress, and assisted her onto the bed, while they waited for the midwife. The pains had gotten a lot stronger, and her water broke as soon as she lay down on the bed, and then the contractions got rapidly worse. She called Sam while she still could, and they talked on FaceTime.
“How is it?” he asked her, watching her face and worried. He wished he was there with her since no one else was.
“Shit, it’s awful,” she said, grimacing.
“It’ll be over soon, and then you’ll see her.” He didn’t know what else to say to her, and then the midwife came, and they hung up, and she didn’t call him again. She couldn’t. Everything was happening too fast. She was seven centimeters dilated, and an anesthesiologist came to give her the epidural she had wanted. She cried while she squeezed the nurse’s hand. She felt like she was on an express train, and noticed that it was dark outside. It was nighttime, and she wondered how long she’d been there. She had lost track of time with the pain.
The contractions slowed down once she had the epidural, she dozed for a few minutes and then everything speeded up again. A nurse was with her, and the midwife told her to push. They lightened the dose in the epidural and the pain was unbearable, so they made it stronger again. Someone said she had been pushing for two hours, and it felt like an entire lifetime. She had to push more and harder. There were two nurses in the room then, holding her legs, and she pushed and pushed until she couldn’t anymore, and then she felt pressure like she’d never felt before and everyone was telling her to push harder, and then she heard a wail, and looked down and saw her baby, and Coco was crying and laughing as she looked at her.
She was so beautiful. She looked like Coco’s mother, and Coco suddenly felt as though her mother was in the room with her. She glanced at the window and the sun was coming up. It was six in the morning, and someone said that it had taken only fourteen hours, which was great and really fast for a first baby. Coco groaned. The baby was at her breast by then, looking up at her mother. They said she was small, only six pounds, but it hadn’t felt like she was small. It felt like an elephant was pushing through her. She wondered how something so little could hurt so much. But as she lay there holding Bethanie, it all seemed worth it. That little precious face looking up at her, and tiny toes and fingers. She wanted to call Sam and show the baby to him, but she was shaking too hard to call him, as they put a warm blanket on her, and took the baby to the nursery to clean her up. It was over. She had done it. She had finally arrived, and as Leslie had said, she was a mother now. It all seemed so miraculous and mysterious. They gave her a shot for the pain so she could sleep, and as she drifted off, she knew that when she woke up, she and Bethanie would start their journey together.
* * *
—
Leslie came to see her and the baby that afternoon, and she could see on Coco’s face how hard it had been. But she could also see how happy she was, and the baby was beautiful and looked just like her.
She had called Sam by then, and showed him the sleeping baby with the tiny rosebud face.
“How was it?” he asked, relieved that they were both okay.
“Hard. It felt like it took forever. But it’s worth it. She looks so sweet.” It touched him seeing the baby, and seeing Coco, even with dark circles under her eyes. She was so proud of her daughter, and he was proud of her.
“I can’t wait to meet her,” Sam said. Leslie had arrived then, and Coco promised to call Sam back.
They went home the next day, and Coco had everything ready in the nursery, and a basket for her set up in her room. She had no one to help her and didn’t want help. She wanted to live every moment of the experience. A nurse came to check on them at home the next day, and said they were doing fine.
Coco stayed home with the baby for two weeks, and then brought Bethanie to visit in the office. She had arranged for someone to come to the house and stay with the baby as soon as she went back to work.
Leslie startled her with a proposition then. She needed some funding to help the business grow and to hire more assistants, and she loved working with Coco. She asked if she wanted to
become a partner and invest in the business and Coco loved the idea. They talked about it again on the phone that night, when the baby was sleeping. She loved the prospect of being part owner of the business, and she and Leslie worked well together.
When Coco went to sleep that night, she had a new business, and a new daughter. It seemed like a lot. She felt blessed alone in her big house. She looked down at Bethanie sound asleep in her basket, checked on her one last time, and knew that all was well in her world. She hadn’t thought of Nigel the whole time she had given birth to her. He didn’t exist for her anymore, and never would for Bethanie. Coco knew that would be enough for both of them. She smiled as she looked at Bethanie in her basket, and for the first time, realized how much her parents had loved her. As much as the heavens had stars. It was the one gift Nigel had given her that mattered, and for an instant she was grateful to him and then resolutely put him out of her mind forever. He had served a purpose in her life after all.
Chapter 14
Ian surfaced in October, four months after he had disappeared, and returned pleased with the first draft of his new book, and delighted to see Coco again.
She showed him her creation too. Bethanie sound asleep in her crib, eight weeks old.
“She’s very pretty,” he said, fascinated by her. “She looks like you.”
“And like my mother too.” She wasn’t imagining it. Sam had even seen it on FaceTime.
Coco was back at the office full-time again by then, and an equal partner in the business. She had a nanny for Bethanie in the daytime and took care of her herself at night. She loved the time she spent with her.
They had the funding they needed now to advertise their business and hire more people. They were talking about moving to a bigger space than Leslie’s dining room.
Ian told her all about his book when he took her out to dinner. She got the nanny to stay late.
“I missed you,” he said, with a look of surprise.
“I missed you too.”
“How was it having the baby? Did it go okay? I was worried about you.” But not enough so to call her, which went against the grain with him, and would have implied commitment, which he didn’t want.
“It was scary and hard and gorgeous at the end. It hurts a lot, worse than I thought it would.”
“You’ll know for next time.” He smiled at her.
“I don’t want a next time unless I do it right with the right person. I don’t think you’re meant to go through stuff like this alone,” she said pensively. The whole experience had impressed her, and she was grateful that he was back. He admitted that he liked the house so much that he had been in London the whole time, but he still hadn’t called her. It was who he was and nothing was ever going to change him. She knew that.
“Maybe you’re not supposed to do it alone, but you did it, Coco, and it looks like you did a great job.”
They started seeing each other as much as they had before. He stayed at her house now, since she had to be there for the baby. He wasn’t around for her at important times, but he had an easy way of sliding into her life that worked for them both. He filled an empty space in her world, and fit right into it like the missing piece in a puzzle. She didn’t expect more of him than he was able to offer. She had no idea how long it would last, or when he’d disappear again, but for now, it was all she needed and had room for in her life too. His dog, Bruce, slept in the kitchen at night, and was happy to see them in the morning.
* * *
—
A month after Ian came back, Sam called her in the middle of the night for her. He was sobbing and at first she couldn’t understand him. His father had died during dinner of a heart attack. His mother was devastated, as were his siblings. No one had expected it and they were all turning to him. And he was heartbroken too. Now everything rested on his shoulders. The business, the family, his wife, a baby soon. It was overwhelming.
They talked until he calmed down, and she told him she would take the first plane out the next day. She had to bring the baby with her. She was only three months old, and Coco had gotten a passport for her, just a few weeks before, in case they ever went to New York.
“Are you really coming?” he asked, touched by the gesture. He had always been there for her too.
“Of course I’m coming. You were there for me when my parents died, weren’t you?” He had stayed with her for months, and visited her every day after that.
“We’ll be sitting shiva for the next week,” he explained.
“That’s when people come to visit, isn’t it?”
“And pray.”
“Will your mom let me come to that?”
“I’m the head of the family now. I make the rules,” he said somberly. He was so young. They both were, and had to take the reins so early. She knew how much his family expected of him, somehow it didn’t seem fair.
“I’ll text you when I know when I’m arriving. I’ll call you when I get to the apartment.” She called the housekeeper then, since it was dinnertime in New York. Theresa still maintained her parents’ apartment. Coco asked her if she would babysit for Bethanie for her, and Theresa was thrilled. She couldn’t wait to see them both. Coco had sent her a photo of the baby when she was born.
Ian had spent the night with her, but she didn’t go back to bed after Sam’s call. Instead, she packed quietly in her dressing room. She took several black dresses, and a nice one for the funeral, and she packed for the baby too. She called the airline, and there was a flight to New York at noon. She had to be at the airport to check in at ten, and leave her house at nine.
She slipped back into bed with Ian then, and he woke up at five, as he always did to go to the gym. She told him she was leaving for New York that morning. She told him about Sam’s father. “I’ll be back in a few days.”
“I’ll be here, waiting for you.” He smiled at her, and pulled her into his arms before they got up. “I’m sorry you have to do that.” He knew it would be painful for her and bring back hard memories.
“He’s always been there for me. I can’t miss it. And Sam’s going to have so much responsibility on his shoulders now.”
“Just like you,” he said sympathetically, and then they got out of bed, and she went to make him the tea he liked. She kept a stock of it at her house for whenever he spent the night.
“You’re a good friend,” he said, as she poured coffee for herself. The baby was still asleep. She had just stopped nursing her. She and Ian were at ease with each other, as they sat at the kitchen table, waking up.
Ian kissed her when he left, and she heard him drive away on his motorcycle, slow enough for Bruce to follow him the short distance to his house. It was going to be a sad few days for her in New York. Then Bethanie started to cry, and she had to feed her and dress both of them, in time to leave for the airport. She was juggling the diaper bag, her purse, the baby, a stroller, a car seat, and a suitcase when she got in the cab. It was the first time she had traveled with Bethanie. She felt like an octopus trying to keep track of it all.
She managed to keep the baby entertained before they boarded the flight, and they both slept for half the trip. Then the baby cried for a while, and Coco apologized to the passengers around her. She got a porter at JFK, and managed to get through customs with the baby, the stroller, and all their bags, got a cab, and headed to her parents’ apartment in the city. She hadn’t been there in two and a half years. She had gotten married and divorced and had become a mother since she’d left. So much had changed in her life. And now Sam’s was about to change too.
Theresa was waiting for them when she got to the apartment. With the time change, it was four-thirty in the afternoon in New York, and nine-thirty at night for them on London time. Theresa couldn’t believe how beautiful the baby was, and said she looked just like her grandmother. There was something comforting about that too, as th
ough her mother lived on in her daughter.
She handed the baby over to Theresa, and told her when to feed her from the stock of formula she had brought. She dressed quickly to go to Sam’s apartment.
When she got to Sam’s in a plain black wool dress and wool coat and flat shoes, there were about two dozen visitors milling around the apartment, and the family was seated around the dining table, speaking in soft voices, as people came to greet them. They had buried Sam’s father that morning, according to Jewish law.
Coco went to speak to Sam’s mother first, and she hugged Coco, and thanked her for coming.
“She came from London, Mom,” Sam said, suddenly standing next to her, and Coco looked up at him and smiled and hugged him too. Coco noticed immediately that neither of Sam’s sisters was there, and remembered that their mother had forbidden them to come to Chanukah, since both of them were converts to Christianity now. Sam’s brother was wearing a yarmulke and a big black hat, like the one the rabbi was wearing. Sam’s little brother was seventeen now, nearly eighteen.
Coco followed Sam out to the kitchen, where massive amounts of food were being prepared and put on trays, all of it kosher.
“No BLTs?” Coco whispered to him and he laughed.
“Ssshhhh…my mother can hear through stone walls.” As he said it, an attractive blond girl approached them, wearing no makeup and visibly pregnant. Coco knew instantly it was Tamar from the way she looked at Sam, and she thought the young woman’s hair looked stiff and odd, and she realized that she was wearing a wig, like the other Orthodox women. His mother’s was stylish and she had it done by her hairdresser. Tamar’s was unflattering and more obviously a wig, and it shocked her. It made her realize how different Sam’s life was now. He was steeped in Orthodox Judaism, with his mother, brother, and wife all Orthodox, even more so since his sisters had defected. His father had been the least Orthodox of all. She knew Sam had dreamed of being in a Reform synagogue when he was younger, or none at all. He had never been religious. She saw that he was wearing a black velvet yarmulke while they sat shiva for the next week.
All That Glitters Page 18
