by Angel Lawson
Jackson’s phone chimed—most likely Oliver in warning about their training session that started in fifteen minutes.
“Meet you guys around nine?”
“I’ll ask Amber if she wants to go.”
He nodded and gave me a quick kiss. Jackson, out of the four, was the biggest fan of PDA. Everything about him dripped of sexy confidence and it definitely made him hard to resist despite our agreements otherwise.
“So how long have you two been dating?” Ruthie asked after I caught my breath and came back in the room. She’s a short girl with curvy hips and fiery red hair. She had a way of carrying herself that made me feel immature and consistently underdressed. Her side of the suite is covered in fashion magazine photos and supermodels. Whereas mine was a montage of photos from back home, movie posters, and Hayden’s artwork. Needless to say, we didn’t have a lot in common.
Amber and I shared a look. I might be a chicken but I just wasn’t ready to tell them about my relationship status. For the first time in a year, I felt the freedom of not having everyone know all of my business. “A while.”
“He’s hot.” She looked up from her magazine. I couldn’t help but stare at her acrylic nails and how she looked like an insect while flipping through the pages. “What about his friend? The one in the baseball shirt. I saw him with you guys in the coffee shop.”
“That’s Oliver. He’s uh, got a girlfriend from back home,” Amber said, covering for me. I smiled at her gratefully.
Samantha, tall and slim with amazing curly dark hair, walked out of their room and joined in the conversation. “Oh well, poor thing. The girls will line up for him. They’ll probably break up by Thanksgiving.”
“Doubtful,” Amber replied. “He’s super loyal and head-over-heels for this girl.”
“Sure.” She tossed the book aside. “Maybe. But lesser men have succumbed for a taste of college pussy.”
Amber and I wrinkled our nose at the word, not because we’re prudes but…well yeah, maybe we were.
Once Samantha and Ruthie left the room, I asked, “Jackson wants us to go to a party at Hayden’s fraternity tonight, you in?”
She and Ben were trying their relationship long distance—and with the open agreement to date others. It’d been a hard adjustment but she’d been flirting with the idea of going out.
“Sure.”
Samantha leaned her head out. “Did you say frat party?”
I picked at the fringe on my jean shorts. “Uh, well one of our friends is in the soccer frat and…”
“We’re in,” she said. Ruthie squealed from the other room. “What time?”
“Nine? He said nine.” My eyes darted to Amber’s but she just shrugged. It wasn’t a big deal to her but letting these girls into my personal life? After last year it was hard. Really hard, but college was new and these weren’t the judgmental jerks I grew up with. Maybe they wouldn’t care.
If they found out. I had no plans at all of them finding out.
“Great, be ready at nine,” I told them, and they squealed again before slamming their door.
I groaned and leaned back in my seat. “So, first frat party,” Amber said. She looked more excited than I thought she would—being the major feminist. I can only imagine frat parties fall onto her patriarchal shit list.
“Any idea what you’re going to wear?” she asked me and I groaned again, falling back on the couch. “Come on.” She laughed and grabbed my hand. The weird thing about Amber was that, for a girl out to beat the patriarchal system, she sure loved to dress up for a party.
5
Surprisingly, Ruthie and Samantha were ready on time, overly dressed in glittery tops and skin-tight jeans. Not that I’d judge, because I wouldn’t. Women had the right to dress however they want, and if they felt like donning sparkly tank tops and wedgie-inducing pants, then more power to them.
It was late summer and I wore a gray, cotton halter that tied behind my neck and high-waisted shorts, with little diagonal buttons down the hips. I pulled my brown hair into a messy bun and slipped wide silver hoops in my ears. Leaning into the bathroom mirror I applied a deep red lipstick—one that Anderson told me he liked—and glanced over my shoulder at Amber.
I laughed at her T-shirt. “Nice one.”
“You’re really wearing that?” Ruthie asked, when she caught sight of her.
Amber held it out so the words were more visible.
Feminism is My Second Favorite “F” Word
The white shirt was knotted at the waist and she wore it with cut-off jean shorts. Her black hair hung over her shoulders in two braids. She was fierce but adorable.
“Sure, why not?” Amber asked.
“It’s just a little…political?”
Amber rolled her eyes. “If someone can’t handle my politics, then he can’t handle me.”
Ruthie walked past me, grabbing her bag and stopping when she saw the scar on my upper arm. “Ouch. What happened?”
“Accident,” I said, covering it self-consciously with my hand, although I hadn’t cut myself in months. I still felt the shame of that weak moment.
Our dorm was in the middle of campus and fraternity row was about a half a mile away. After the third hill I’m glad that I wore my Converse instead of heels like Ruthie and Samantha. Truthfully, I’d made that mistake at a party before and I didn’t plan on doing it again.
Music pulsed down the street, vibrating and loud before we even arrived. Groups of students walked up and down the street headed to different parties. The whole thing gave me flashes of PTSD and I kept looking for Spencer or Mark to stumble out of one of the massive homes, secretly recording all my moves. Spencer wasn’t here, though. After doing a short stint in juvie, his probation required him to stay close to Allendale for the next year.
“Why did we come again?” I asked.
Amber linked her arm with mine. “Because Jackson talked you into it and you have a very hard time saying no to that boy.”
I rolled my eyes—mostly at myself, because that was true. “Too bad he doesn’t have the same problem.”
“Still haven’t talked to them?” she asked.
“No. Not yet.”
As we approached the loud party it didn’t seem like tonight would be the night, either. Hayden’s frat wasn’t exactly typical since it was made up of just the soccer players. He’d spent the last few weeks juggling his practice schedule, rushing, and initiations. I thought the other guys may get upset knowing he’d be with new friends and teammates, but their bond was stronger than that. I just hated how busy he was all the time.
“Hey,” I said, sidling up to Anderson, who was waiting out front. He looked amazing. Tall and lean. If the other girls knew about the swimmer’s body he had hidden under that light blue T-shirt, they’d lose their minds.
He wrapped his arms around me and gave me a hug. In my ear he whispered, “You look fantastic and a little nervous.”
“You too.” Parties weren’t Anderson’s thing any more than they were mine. But we supported one another and Hayden invited us. We couldn’t say no.
He pulled back and said hello to Amber and the other girls. They eyed us suspiciously. Ruthie didn’t hold back. “Another handsome boyfriend? You’ve got to teach me your methods.”
Anderson had never been one to play it cool. He was incredibly literal. Loyal. And incapable of lying. Thankfully, Amber interrupted. “Hey Anderson, I didn’t think they let you guys out past six. Don’t you have to get up at dawn for training?”
“Oh, you swim, right?” Samantha asked. “Heaven mentioned she had a friend on the swim team.”
“Olympic development,” I added. “He doesn’t drink. Or party. Or really do anything fun. Total nerd.”
He feigned hurt, but it was enough to make my suitemates head up the path to the house. Amber winked and followed.
He grabbed my hand and pulled me into his chest. His voice was low and deadly. “I may not do anything fun, but I do you.”
His ja
w tensed, like he was seconds from breaking the deal for no public displays. Anderson was right. He did do me and it was amazing. Every time I looked at him, a small knot of want twisted in my belly.
“So,” I said, easing away from him, because now was not the time nor place. “Since you’ll be heading to bed soon, we probably should go find the others. Check out Hayden’s new digs?”
His eyes held mine for a beat longer. “That’s the plan—unless you had something else in mind?”
“Nope. This is perfect. And be nice,” I said, then added, “And no flirting with other girls. And no drinking because you do have to get up early tomorrow.”
His forehead furrowed and it was adorable. “Since when do I flirt with other girls?” I looked up on the porch of the house where a dozen college girls stood around. All beautiful. Many available. He sighed and rubbed his neck. The Allendale Four were well acquainted with female attention.
“You may not flirt with them, but I suspect you’ll have the opportunity.” I smiled mischievously. “It’s not fair to lead them on.”
“Don’t worry, I suspect I’ll spend most of my time keeping Jackson and Hayden from punching any guy that looks your way.”
“College is going to be tough, isn’t it?”
I knew he wouldn’t cheat, but a guy like Anderson? He was drop-dead gorgeous. Chiseled jaw, brilliant eyes, killer body. Oh, and he was broody, which drove me absolutely fucking crazy all through high school—so I got the appeal. He’d have a million girls chasing him around by the end of the night, and the ones not chasing him would be eyeing the others. But we would deal with it. We’d all deal with it.
A hulking figure pushed through the crowd on the porch. “Excuse me. Sorry. Oops! That was your foot, sorry man.” Hayden appeared, beaming down on us with a smile.
“Heaven!” he called, running down the stairs and giving me a massive hug. He lifted me in his strong arms. “You came.”
“Of course I came,” I said, rolling my eyes, well aware of the scene we were making. I tapped his shoulder. “Can you put me down?”
“I can, but I sure as hell don’t want to.”
Jackson appeared at the top of the steps, holding two cups. “Dude, put Heaven down.” He did so reluctantly and Jackson gave me the drink. It was a fruity spiked punch. Anderson sighed. Drunk Heaven was trouble. We all knew it. Anderson’s shoes knew it. The side of his car knew it. I held the cup in my hand.
“I promise I will not puke on you, okay?”
He shook his head. “God, don’t remind me.”
Jackson grabbed Anderson by the arm and winked. “Come on, Oliver’s playing Amber in Jenga. Let’s go watch her kick his ass.”
Hayden stood over me, tall and massive.
“So this is your new house?” I asked, trying to see it past the people and garbage all over the yard.
“Yep,” he shoved his hands in his jean pockets. “You want the grand tour?”
Our eyes connected, because yeah, I wanted the tour, and to see his room and to be alone with him. That’s why I came. No one would miss us. Not in a crowd this size.
With his hands still in his pockets, Hayden led the way.
The last time I went into a bedroom with a guy at a party, my whole life flipped upside down. Today that wasn’t the case, because I didn’t know anyone here, no one in college cared if I went off with a hot guy. It didn’t hurt that I had a few well-placed friends in the crowd that had my back.
“I’ve missed you,” he said the instant the door shut. The music and voices from outside sounded muffled through the door. One side of the room was a wreck—his roommate’s—while his bed was wrinkled but made.
“I miss you too. Soccer sucks.” I pushed him against the wall, craving the feel of his body.
“Hey, don’t blame soccer.”
I looked up and smiled. He loved his sport, but from the glint in his eye and the hard bulge in his pants, not as much as he loved me.
If anyone would go along with my plan to escalate our relationship it would be Hayden, I was sure. I pushed up on my toes and kissed him hard, tasting the beer on his tongue. His hands gripped my waist, fingers pressing against my skin. His breathing grew rapid, his movements rough. I thumbed the button on his pants and his breath caught. His fingers wove into my hair and I kissed him again and again and again. He swung me around, carrying me to the small bed and throwing me down, eliciting a squeal. God, I wanted him so bad.
Hayden was huge; tall and broad. He held his upper body up as his hips ground into me. Butterflies filled my belly and his lips were so desperately hungry. I wanted him so bad and there was zero doubt he felt the same.
I hooked my thumbs in my waistband and his eyes glazed over for a brief second and I thought I had him, really had him, but instead he groaned and turned away.
“What?” I said, over my pounding heart. He ran his hand over his face. I stood up and he took a step back.
“We should go back downstairs.”
“You’re kidding.” He didn’t answer. “No really, you’re kidding, right?”
“I should go back downstairs.” He didn’t look me in the eye. Couldn’t.
“What’s going on here?” I looked down at my outfit—glanced in the mirror over the dresser. “Is it me? Is there something wrong.”
He reached for me, fingers trembling and pressed his forehead to mine. “No, absolutely-fucking not. It’s not you. But this is not happening here.”
“Why not? I’m ready. You’re ready.” I pushed against his crotch. He was definitely ready.
He gave me a hard look; one filled with want and something else—a hesitation. I searched for the reason for all this. The small issue that’d been building between us all for some time. Even with Anderson.
He swallowed hard, rebuttoning his pants and shifting to a more comfortable position.
“Look, Heaven,” he grimaced, “the guys and I made a deal. No one treats you like a piece of ass. No matter how tempting you are.”
I stared blankly at him. “You did what?”
“We love and respect you.” He touched my shoulder but I brushed his hand off. “You’ve been through so much and none of us wanted to hurt you again—pressure you in a way you weren’t comfortable with. You’re fragile, Heaven, and none of us want to risk that.”
“Shut up, Hayden. You’re making it worse.”
A knock at the door interrupted us but Hayden didn’t move. His big arms crossed over his chest and his eyes locked on mine.
“Heaven—”
“Get the door. I’m not staying here.”
He still didn’t move so I crossed the room instead, opening it and letting in a flood of music. One of Hayden’s teammates stood in the hallway. His expression filled with an apology when he saw us.
“Sorry dude, Bertram was looking for you and I…I didn’t know you were up here with…” His eyes darted to me and back to Hayden.
“Take him,” I said, pushing past him. “He’s not busy.”
“Heaven!”
I used the interruption to disappear into the loud music and writhing bodies of the party-goers. I saw the sparkle of Ruthie’s dress as I passed the living room. The bright smile of Amber as she kicked Oliver’s ass in whatever drinking game they’d moved on to in the kitchen. A bright-faced girl stood by her side, rooting against Oliver, and it all just made me feel more lost and alone.
It wasn’t until I hit the warm air outdoors that I was able to breathe. Which just pissed me off more. Maybe Hayden was right. I was too vulnerable to push our relationships harder. The slightest bump and I completely panicked.
I left the trash-strewn yard and headed across campus toward my dorm. It was a modern building—taller than the rest—and I could see the rooftop peeking over the other facilities.
The guys would be furious to know I left without telling them. A sinking feeling built in my stomach. This was not how I wanted the night to go. I brushed the tears out of my eyes with the back of my hand.
My phone buzzed, flashing light. The texts rolled in.
Where are you?
What’s wrong?
What the fuck did Hayden do?
Stay where you are—we’ll come get you.
Heaven…
Babe, pick up.
“They’re not going to stop until you respond to them,” a voice said right behind me.
I screamed in absolute terror and spun around, lashing out with my fists. Wild hair and bright eyes came into view.
“Goddamn it, Anderson.” He caught my wrists with his hands, probably hoping to save his pretty face from a pummeling. “You scared the shit out of me.”
“Well you scared the fuck out of us.” He pulled out his phone and typed a message. It beeped on our group text and I checked instinctively.
Found her—Safe. I’ll walk her home.
Jackson responded first. Thx Bro
“What if I don’t want you to walk me home?”
He shrugged. “Then you can walk by yourself. And I’ll just follow a respectable amount of space behind you and make sure you get there safely.”
I clenched my jaw. “Do you really not trust me to walk to my dorm alone and get there in one piece?”
He frowned. “I don’t trust the assholes on campus, Heaven, not you. It’s dangerous for any female to walk by herself at night—right outside the party district.”
I rolled my eyes. “So this isn’t about me being too ‘fragile’?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Hayden told me everything. I know what you’re all doing. Why you treat me with kid gloves. You think I’m going to lose it again. That I’m vulnerable and if you push me too hard—in life, in bed—I’ll break.”
His lack of response and the tight tic of his jaw was all I needed to know that Hayden hadn’t spoken just for himself. Guilt shadowed Anderson’s expression. “Perfect, so you think it, too.”
He spoke carefully. “I know we care about you—desperately—and that some of the shit that went down last year was intense. You’ve needed time to heal, not a bunch of horndogs humping your leg all the time.”
