by Angel Lawson
At least it would be in public, I thought, feeling the need to wipe him off my mouth. He ran his hand down my arm.
“Heaven?”
I spun and found Amber and Ginger walking toward us.
“Hey guys,” I said, using the interruption as an excuse to break away and hug my friend. When we pulled apart, I introduced them. “This is Noah. We met through our dads. Noah, this is my friend and roommate, Amber. And this is Ginger.”
Noah nodded his head in greeting, eyes sweeping over the girls. There was obviously nothing about either girl that screamed “lesbian” or “I’m bisexual” but Noah was savvy and had a knack for ferreting out personal information for his own purpose. A deep sense of dread coiled in my stomach. I didn’t want him near these girls. Not when Amber’s housing depended on my father and he knew about her relationship…
“You’ve got class now, right?” I said to Noah. “I’ll be at the dinner. Thank you for the invitation.”
His eyes flirted between us. I gave Amber a pleading grin. The last thing I needed was for her to decide to push him. She gave him a fake smile. “Nice to meet you, Noah.”
“You too, ladies.” He touched my chin and walked off with a confident swagger.
Ginger stared. “Okay what the hell was that about?”
“Heaven, he’s creepy as fuck.”
“I know. I’m giving my dad two more weeks and then I’m calling it off.”
Amber shook her head. “I don’t know how you’ll make it two weeks. And if the guys meet him? Prepare for an epic showdown.”
“Which is exactly why they can’t meet him.” I faced the girls. “I need this to work out. My dad is all over me right now and my mom has a lot riding on his job.”
“Babe, this is not your problem.” She squeezes my hand. “We can figure this out. Move off campus. Squat in the nasty dorms by the railroad tracks. I don’t like this.”
Amber was a good friend. Too good for me and the situation I’d gotten myself into. “Give me a few more weeks to clear it up. If that doesn’t work, we’ll figure something out, okay?”
She and Ginger exchange worried looks but Amber nods in agreement. “Okay. As long you promise to be safe.”
I smiled gratefully at my friend. “I promise.”
When I got back to the dorm, Amber and Ginger were holed up in our bedroom. I owed them for earlier that day so I camped out in the living room. Samantha sat on the couch next to me, streaming movies over her laptop with large headphones over her ears. I pretended to study but spent most the time fighting the creeping urge to hide in the bathroom. I knew I shouldn’t, but the idea wiggled into my brain after seeing Noah that afternoon and wouldn’t leave.
I knew if I got through the next two weeks, I’d be okay. I knew I could handle it. I’d been through worse, right?
Anxiety rose higher and higher, climbing up my throat.
I glanced at Samantha to see if she noticed anything different about me but she was focused on the screen. I felt like my pain was visible all over my skin. It prickled. It felt raw. I peeked at the bathroom again. It was so close and I knew there was a razor in the shower.
No. I promised myself. No.
Tacked to the back of the suite door was a poster of Jim Morrison that Amber bought at the head-shop downtown. It was the classic pose, bare-chested Jim with a beaded necklace hanging twisted off his neck. I stared at his face, hoping he’d give me a clue where to go next.
A knock on the door jerked me back to the now and my eyes widened at Jim, wondering if this was my sign.
“Can you get that?” Samantha asked, never taking her eyes off the screen.
“Yeah, sure.”
I rose and crossed the room. Hayden stood on the other side.
“Hi,” he said. “Can I come in?”
I glanced back at my closed bedroom door and my suitemate on the couch. She looked up and waved at Hayden. He smiled in return. “Let’s talk out here.”
His face fell, although I wasn’t sure why. I’d rather have privacy.
Hayden did that thing, the move he pulled on me that very first day, leaning against the wall in the hallway. His long body took up most the space and girls from the hall skirted around him while eyeing his form.
“What’s going on?” I asked, pushing the sleeves of my sweatshirt over my elbows.
“I just wanted to see how you were doing. Things have been hectic lately and the last time we were really together things got…”
“Intense,” I said, completing his sentence. Hell yeah, they did. What I’d give to go back to that night—to the way things were before all this shit started.
“It was, and I don’t know,” he ran his hand through his hair, “was it okay? Any regrets? I hope I didn’t cross a line.”
I frowned and shook my head. “We went over this. It was great. Exactly what I wanted.” I scanned his face. “Are you having second thoughts?”
“Fuck no. No. You just…you seem stressed or something. I wanted to make sure it wasn’t with me.”
With everything going on, Hayden questioning what happened between us hit me like a slam in the gut. Couldn’t he tell that I enjoyed it? Did he not believe my words? I’d asked him to do it—begged him, almost. With anyone else I would’ve been embarrassed, but maybe we weren’t on the same page like I’d thought.
Or maybe he was here because of Noah. Had I been seen? Did he know?
My mind whirled with confusion.
“It was great,” I told him, sucking up my emotions.
His face relaxed with relief. “Okay good. The guys were hoping to get together sometime this week. It’s a crunch but let’s figure it out, okay?”
I smiled. “That sounds like a really good idea.”
His eyes searched mine and he reached for my hand. I pulled back, ignoring the confusion and hurt that followed.
“I should go, Hayden. I have a ton of homework.”
“Yeah,” he said. “Okay. Call me if you need anything.”
“I will.”
He looked like he wanted to say more, his jaw working overtime, but I used his hesitation to slip back into the room, shutting the door behind me.
I took a deep breath and leaned against the door, waiting for Samantha to say something. She didn’t. I stared at my room, where Amber’s voice could be heard through the door followed by Ginger’s laughter. I waited, feeling my heart pounding in my chest, the dark wave of anxiety taking over. When it didn’t subside, I took a shaky breath and succumbed to the pressure building inside and walked into the bathroom and shut the door behind me.
24
Since Noah was on the organizing committee he told me to meet him at the house for dinner instead of picking me up. Like the past few days, he instructed me on what to wear: casual dress, nice shoes.
He eyed me the moment I walked in, a small grin lingering over his cracked lips. I felt the heat of his gaze—he didn’t want me. Not like the Allendale boys, no, there was something else, the glint of knowing he had me under his thumb. I’d seen it before in Spencer’s eyes. I’d also seen it in my father’s, too.
“Heaven,” he said, calling out my name. I tugged at the sleeves of my dress. It looked like a T-shirt, giving my body a boxy shape. I liked it because the sleeves were long. Noah looked down at my shoes and a small frown tugged at his mouth. I had on black booties. It was the best I could do.
“Hi, Noah,” I said, accepting his kiss on my cheek. At least here he won’t try to push himself on me, which was a fear that grew by the minute. I’d known guys like Noah before. He wouldn’t be happy until he owned me.
Two weeks. That was all I needed.
A full spread of food was on the table. Apparently, the church group met every week to share a meal. The idea was nice, but even in my dowdy dress I knew this wasn’t my kind of group. Everyone seemed nice enough; clean-cut. Sweet. Not the type to fool an entire student body or cause a social media sex scandal. Not the kind to lie just to help their dad. I stared
at Noah, who looked the picture of a perfect Christian. Then again, maybe they were my kind of group.
“I’d like to take a moment introduce you all to my girlfriend, Heaven,” Noah said loudly over the group. “I was blessed when she entered my life a few weeks ago—love at first sight.”
I smiled, forcing my lips to curve upward. “So blessed.”
Then he stood in front of the group and said a blessing, thanking God for all our bounty, the whole time feeling more and more separated from the event. Everyone in the room closed their eyes but I watched them, wondering if they knew the truth about this man and his family, or for that matter, mine.
“Noah, help me bring in the extra chairs,” someone said and he vanished from the room. The girl next to me, with hair identical to mine (long-haired-girl curls) pointed me to the start of the buffet.
“I’m Julie,” she said. “How did you meet Noah?” Her question sounded genuine—curious.
“Our fathers are friends. Through some church connections.”
She shook her head. “Ah, so you passed the Daddy test.”
I frowned. “What do you mean?”
She gave me a startled look, her blue eyes apologetic. “Look, I’m not trying to start anything, but Noah’s always been a little elusive. Lots of girls have tried to date him. He’s never been one for a serious relationship and we all figured it’s because he was looking for a specific kind of girl. The kind approved of by his father. You’re the first one he’s brought around.”
The fact that every girl in the room looked like a Noah-specified clone, there was no way I fit any sort of physical standard. I gave him something no other girl could: leverage.
I scooped a mound of mac ‘n cheese on my plate. “His mother said he’s shy, but he doesn’t seem that way to me.”
Another girl stood across from me, adding salad to her plate. She snorted. “Noah’s not shy. And no matter what he says, don’t let him talk you into going to his room. He’s not the gentleman he claims.”
“Did you date him?” I asked.
Julie’s cheeks reddened and she glanced toward the door where Noah and the other guy entered carrying a stack of metal folding chairs. “I wouldn’t call it dating.” Her nose wrinkled. “Just be careful.”
I nodded. “Don’t worry. I’m not as naïve as I look.”
“Hey, babe,” Noah said, cutting in line to stand next to me. “Didn’t you get me a plate of food?”
I blinked. “Oh, sorry. I didn’t think.”
“No, you didn’t, but it’s no big deal. I’ll just go to the back of the line.”
He stared at me and I felt everyone watching. Julie had already walked away, casting an empathetic glance in my direction.
“Here, you take my plate. I’ll go to the back of the line.”
He smiled condescendingly. “Thanks, babe.” He kissed me on my nose and squeezed my hip.
I walked past the rest of the line and stood in the back. The whole scene was weird and demeaning. Noah was the exact opposite of my boys. They’d move mountains for me.
To my astonishment, he did save me a seat, and when Julie asked me about my name, he spoke over me. “Her father is a minister.”
“Actually,” I said, “my mother named me. After her favorite character in a book.”
The girl next to Julie who had short brown hair and big blue eyes said, “Wait. You mean V. C. Andrews? She named you after those books?”
I nodded, eating a carrot off my plate. “She was obsessed with those characters.”
“Oh my god, me too. I read them all in seventh grade.”
I laughed. Those books were insane but completely addictive. “Heaven was my mom’s favorite.”
Noah gave me a weird look. “Why didn’t you ever tell me that?”
“You never asked.”
Later, once the meal was over and the table cleared, Noah took me to the side and brushed my hair over my shoulder. “I forgot to tell you that you look nice tonight.” His eyes skimmed down my legs, landing at my feet. “Those shoes are a little…risqué for the church group, but you feel free to wear them the next time we’re alone.”
“Noah, I have no plans on being alone with you. That’s not part of the deal.”
“How about you and your roommate?”
“What?”
“She’s into chicks, right? I’ve always wanted to be with two girls. She looks like she’s probably a howler.”
“Noah, you need to shut the fuck up, right now.”
He took out his phone and scrolled through. My stomach twisted into a familiar knot. He held up the screen. It was a photo of me and Hayden from two weeks ago, leaving the laundry room holding hands. A bizarre sense of déjà vu rolled over me.
“Where did you get that?”
“Heaven, I told you. God is always watching. I’d hate for this photo to get sent to the wrong person.”
“Hayden’s a friend. My father knows that.”
“Does he?” He slipped the phone back in his pocket. “That website had some interesting information. Whoever concocted that plan was pretty smart.”
“Spencer is a psychopath.”
“Those two things are not mutually exclusive.” He ran a finger down my cheek and I jerked away.
“Two weeks,” I told him. “My father gets the funding and you get the hell away from me.”
“Or what?” he said.
“You don’t want to know the leverage I have on my side,” I said, knowing that if the guys found out about Noah they would tear him to pieces. I didn’t want that. It was too risky and they had too much on the line but the threat itself was solid.
He tilted his head at my statement, undeterred. “Study with me, tomorrow night.”
“Where?”
“In my room.”
The girl’s warning from earlier rang in my head.
“Not a chance.”
He lifted his chin, amused. “Library, then.”
“Main floor. In the study area. Nowhere private.” I gave him a smirk. “It wouldn’t be appropriate for us to be alone like that. I’d hate to tell my father that you’re pressuring me.”
If I thought sticking up for myself would make Noah back off, I was wrong. If anything, I was learning he liked a challenge. Noah Hancock wanted to break me—I had no doubt about that now.
I took the chance when a few of the other girls I learned lived in my dorm were leaving and followed them out the door. I was quiet on the way back, trying to figure out a way out of this situation. My father was no help. My mother was caught up in his world. The guys…they’d kill him. The best thing I could do was wait it out and hope he stuck to his promise.
The sun beamed down the following day, bathing the University in one last day of warmth before fall entered winter. The leaves had all fallen and the mornings and evenings were cool, but for a few hours in the afternoon everything was perfect, sunny, and warm.
I walked toward the dorm and heard the loud, familiar rumble of an engine turning down the road outside Stetson Hall. Shading my eyes, I looked up and saw Oliver hanging out the window.
“What are you doing?” I asked, walking up to the car.
“I came to see if you wanted to go for a ride.”
I looked at the stack of books in my hands and frowned at the idea of a study date tonight with Noah. “I’ve got a ton of work.”
He smiled, drop-dead gorgeous and persuasive in a way that had always hit me in the knees. His hair tousled in the fall breeze and his still-tan-from-summer face lit up when he looked at me. “Just for a few hours. I’ll get you back in plenty of time to shove your pretty little nose in those books.”
Just being in his presence was like a hit of adrenaline. “Okay,” I said, breaking into a grin. “Let’s get out of here.”
He crawled through the front seat to open the passenger side door and I tossed my books in the back. I’d worn a black skirt that went down to my knees and a soft gray sweater. The silver cross my daddy gave me
hung around my neck and it glinted in the sunlight when I caught my reflection in the rearview mirror. I tried to ignore the dark circles under my eyes, flipping up the visor.
Oliver took my hand and revved the engine, announcing to the world we were leaving campus.
The leather seats were old and cracked but they had a worn softness. I sunk into them and played with Oliver’s hand.
“I’ve missed you,” I said.
He lifted my hand and kissed it. “I didn’t know we’d been apart.”
I felt like it though—I felt like I’d gone on a trip for weeks, barely coming up for air. The sanctity of our relationship had been tested by an outside force and I didn’t know if I had the energy to keep it all up.
Oliver drove, hair blowing from the open windows. I felt my own hair, the perfectly spiraled curls twisting in the wind. I inhaled, smelling the scents of fall, and closed my eyes.
I must have dozed off because I didn’t realize we’d stopped or that Oliver was no longer holding my hand. The sound of the engine rumbling to a stop, then cutting entirely jarred me awake. I looked out the front window and saw the green grass and trees of the botanical gardens sprawled in front of me. I felt the tickle of fingertips on my arm.
I turned, facing Oliver, but froze when I saw the expression on his face. Tears welled in the corners of his eyes. A deep-set frown clung to his lips. My eyes drew to where his were focused—the fresh wounds on my forearms. I yanked my arm back, but he held it, gentle but firm.
“Tell me what’s going on.”
“Nothing,” I lied. “Just you know, the stress of school and everything.”
“Heaven, don’t lie to me. I can’t take it.” His voice trembled and it scared me. I scared me.
The cuts were thin, red dashes against my pale skin. Superficial would be the term, but each slash cut down to the depths of my soul. I hated him seeing them. I hated looking at them. My stomach seized.
“Baby,” he said, reaching for me across the seat. “Tell me what I can do.”
A sob caught in my chest. I didn’t allow it to move. “There’s nothing you can do,” I said. “There’s nothing anyone can do. It’s just who I am. It’s how I’m made.”
