by Mj Fields
We were whisked into our room, I changed into the hospital gown, and the IV was put in place. I was given medicine for my stomach and they asked if I wanted something to relax me. I looked to Cyrus for the answer.
“If they were offering it to me I’d say yes,” he smiled a very gentle smile.
I looked at the nurse and then back at him. “I want to see them, I want to hold them, I want to…”
“You will Birdie and I will be right there making sure however fucked up you are that’s gonna happen.”
I glanced up at the nurses to make sure wasn’t offended, and she wasn’t. She was looking at him like, like, I do. Like he was something from heaven. I looked back at him and he was still looking at me, holding a strand of my hair rubbing it between his fingers.
“Trust me,” he said.
“I do,” I whispered before looking at the nurse and nodding my head.
Within minutes I was feeling the effects of whatever it was that they shot in my IV.
Cyrus was watching me as he rubbed my head, “You look amazing Tara.”
“I’m feeling a little woozy.”
“Like you’re going to get sick?”
“No like my head is floating.”
“That’s how I feel every time I look at you.”
I smiled and closed my eyes.
“You got up to early. You should sleep until they come in.”
“How much time do we have? I don’t want to be asleep when they arrive.”
I rolled to my side facing him. He cupped my face and rubbed his thumb across my cheek. I focused on him, his eyes, his touch, his strength that exuded for all that he was until my eyes became heavier and I couldn’t fight it. I had to close them.
~
“Birdie,” he whispered kisses on my cheek. “It’s time.” I opened my eyes slowly and was met by his gorgeous smile. “Birthday.”
“Birthday,” I whispered.
The anesthesiologist came in and told Cyrus he could step out for a moment while he put in the epidural, his response?
“Nah,” and he smiled at me.
“Mr. Steel--.”
He dragged his eyes away from me slowly, and looked at him, “As discussed with the team of Docs, I am here every step of the way. I don’t need to leave, understood?” Then he looked back at me, “You ready?”
I nodded.
The epidural and catheter were in place and we were heading to the OR. I was still groggy from the medication and I couldn’t feel anything from my waist down.
Once inside the OR everything moved quickly. I tried to follow the conversation and chatter between the team of doctors and nurses just to take my mind off of how afraid I was for our son.
Cyrus let go of my hand briefly and pulled a stool beside my head and sat down. “We need to discuss names Birdie.”
I laughed, “We have right?”
“We sort of have.” He took my hand and pulled it to his mouth. “Theodore and Amy need to be part of their names.”
I swallowed back the tears that were threatening.
He leaned down and rubbed his nose across mine shielding my vision from the curtain the team was putting up. Shielding me from watching them cut me open.
“You know how close we are Birdie? Minutes away from having kids of our own, minutes from holding the masterpieces of all the people we love combined, into one soul, one person. Your parents, my parents, us Birdie. Are you ready for that?”
“Mrs. Steel, you’re going to feel some pressure but no pain.”
“That’s good because she’s had enough of that for a lifetime, and I won’t allow anymore.” Cyrus voice held a quiet threat. He followed with a smile. He turned back and looked at me. “That’s truth, all the pain, all the loneliness you’ve ever felt is about to all make sense. It all led us to this point in our lives, and that Birdie, is justice.”
The pressure came and was followed by the sounds of the doctors giving instruction. My head was swimming with emotion, worry, love, and anticipation. Cyrus leaned over and held his lips to my head. And then I heard it. The cry, the most beautiful sound I had ever heard. I felt my own tears and then I felt his.
“Your little girl,” one of the nurses was wiping her off, wrapping her up, and laying her on my chest.
“Perfect,” he whispered as he wiped my face and then his.
“Truth,” I whispered as I looked at her.
I looked up at Cyrus and looked in awe. “Hey sweetness, we are so happy you’re here.” He swallowed back his tears, bent over, kissed me, and then her. “Look at her Birdie. She is perfect.”
“She is Truth.”
“She certainly is.”
“No, her name, Truth.”
“Yeah?”
I nodded and kissed her. I felt more pressure. This time there was no crying. I looked at Cyrus and he showed no sign of worry. “It’s okay Birdie, here comes Justice.”
Chapter 5
Cyrus
I walked out into the waiting room, and everyone jumped up.
“My wife is resting. My children are beautiful.” I swallowed hard trying not to get choked up. “Our girl is five pounds, five ounces, and pink, so pink.” I stopped to rein it in; fuck I was emotional. “Our boy is four pounds, eight ounces and wasn’t pink, but he’s getting there. The team has him hooked up to every fucking machine and wire there is. His heart’s weak but he’s fighting. I know he’ll be alright.”
Little Bell came over, hugged me, and that caused some shit to happen with my heart. I couldn’t imagine what it was like for my brother to have lost the girl he loved and not be able to be part of Bella’s life for so damn long.
“He’ll be alright, Uncle Cyrus,” she whispered and then leaned back, “What’s their names, so when I say prayers God knows who I’m talking about?”
I took in several deep breaths before I could answer without water works. “Her name is Truth, and his is Justice.”
“Really?” She looked at me curiously.
“Really,” I smiled. “Truth Jamie Steel,” I looked at Momma Joe. “The J, is for you and the A M I E, is for Tara’s mother. Justice Theodore is our boy.” I looked around the room. “They're beautiful. Momma, you can head in. Then you can go two at a time to see Tara and Truth. Keep the flow going, I don’t want her alone. I’m heading to the NICU to see what’s going on. Hopefully they can take care of him here, if not BCU is ready for us.”
I didn’t wait around to chat. I wanted a flow in that room with Tara. Momma would make sure shit was in check and I would make sure I went and checked in on her every hour or so. I wanted answers for her, for me, for us.
I was buzzed through the security door and taken right to Justice. The doctor was with him and looked up from his chart. He held out his hand and shook mine.
“As you can see we put a tube in. This gives him oxygen. The reason this is necessary is that his heart rate is below eighty and when he is asleep it drops, to,” He points to the monitor, “Fifty. We’ve also diagnosed apnea as an issue. But the good news Mr. Steel, is your son doesn’t need to be moved to BCH.”
“But it’s the best.”
“And I work there as well. When we discussed your sons’ case we thought we were looking at a pacemaker as the only possible treatment. I don’t think that’s true right now, or God willing, ever. His heart is beating, and it may not be enough for him to be in the regular nursery right now however, he’s doing incredible. I can assure you if we do end up needing to make that decision, we will without hesitation. If I am right, your son won’t need a pacemaker at all. This will resolve itself. We will know more in 24 hours. My suggestion is to trust that we have this under control, pray that it corrects itself, and know that regardless of what we find out, he will have a long and healthy life.”
I nodded and looked through plastic to see my boy, Justice.
“So twenty four hours and we will know more?”
“Twenty four hours, yes. Then we move on from there.”
&nb
sp; “Has he opened his eyes yet?” I asked.
“Not that we have seen, but that means nothing.”
“When can I get Tara in here to see him?”
“When she feels up to it.”
“My family?”
“Well--.”
“No wells Doc. When?”
“One at a time, no kids, no lengthy stay and no touching.”
“When can I hold him?”
“Most people wouldn’t dare ask that?”
“Why’s that?”
“He’s fragile, tiny, and--.”
“He’s my son.”
He nodded and looked at me for a moment longer. I guess he figured I wasn’t bull shitting when I didn’t budge.
“Get scrubbed up, throw on a gown and mask, you can hold your son now.”
Three nurses taped the lines and tubes in place. The same three nurses held them in place while the doc put him in my arms.
“I need a picture to show Tara. She needs to see for herself that he’s stronger than she thinks.” I looked at him laying in my arms, tiny as fuck and strung up everywhere. “You’re a Steel, Justice. Your hearts gonna beat fast and hard. You’re gonna play ball, ride bikes, argue with me, and be loved by a crew, that no matter your issues or hang-ups, whether you’re right or wrong, they will have your back forever. Forever Steel, Justice. There is no gift in this world I can give you that’s more important or real. All I ask from you is to open your eyes little dude show me you got this.” I leaned down and kissed the top of his head and left my lips on the silky black hair. “When you’re ready, little dude.”
I sat looking at him. I mean what the hell else could I do for him. Couldn’t even move that much for fear something would come loose.
“Justice Theodore Steel, no rush little dude. I got you.” His eyes moved a little, “You being stubborn huh? Good, I got a little fighter on my hands. Wouldn’t expect any less.” And then they opened. “Wish the first thing you were looking at was your Momma, she’s beautiful. You have her eyes. Now do what she does. Lock ‘em right here little dude, she says she feels stronger when she’s looking at me. You do that, look in my eyes, and gain strength, Justice.”
Without looking away I asked, “Someone snap a picture so his Momma can see this please?” Again a lump was building in my throat. “Happy Birthday little dude.”
We stared at each other for a while, felt like a minute but the nurse told me it had been an hour. How the hell that happened was beyond me. They wanted to run a few more tests and assured me that him, opening his eyes was nothing short of a miracle. I decided to go back to Tara, I wanted her to see Justice’s eyes and I wanted to hold Truth.
~
I walked in as Momma was helping her feed Truth. Tara’s face was tear stained and her eyes were, Christmas. She looked tired, and honestly she had never looked more beautiful to me. I watched how she smiled at our daughter and how she held her tight against her chest. She flinched a little, but when Momma pushed her forward, closer to Truth, it appeared her pain lessened.
“Her mouth opens wider when you push into her. A natural reaction. Then she’ll be able to latch on properly, and you won’t be so tender.”
“Thank you Joe,” she whispered as she watched Truth.
I stood against the door looking at three generations of women, my mother, my wife, and my daughter. Family, had always been important to me, always, today it became even more so.
Tara looked up and saw me, “How are you? How is he? When--.”
“I’m a happy man Birdie. Justice is doing better than expected--.”
“Did they take him to BCH? I wanted to see him--.”
“He’s here.” I walked up and sat next to her on the bed, then reached in my pocket and pulled out my phone. “I made the nurse take a couple pictures and message them to me so you could see for yourself how good he’s doing.”
I held up the phone and showed her me holding him.
“Cyrus,” she closed her eyes tight and a tear fell, “Is he in pain?”
“No, he seems very content. Check this out,” I flipped through and showed him or son looking up at me. “He looked in my eyes like you do. He’s gonna be just fine. He’s Justice, Birdie.” I looked at our pretty little girl. “That’s Truth, the real truth, not the shit you and I had dealt to us. Right there in your arms is Truth, nothing more beautiful, besides her momma of course. Justice, is the reward for the finally seeing the real truth.”
She leaned into me and we both sat quietly looking into the eyes of Truth.
Momma snapped a few pictures. Carly and Bell came in to visit. I saw Momma looking at the door a few to many times, she seemed off. I walked over and asked her what was up.
“I don’t want you to worry any more than you have to right now.”
“I’m good Momma. My boys a fighter, he told me so. Now you tell me what’s going on.”
“Taelyn is getting checked out. She passed out in the waiting room. She insists she was just tired and Xavier, well he disagreed.”
“It’s good she’s getting check out. She’s gonna be fine. Go see how they are and send me a text.”
“You need me--.”
“Look at me Momma. I got this. Go.”
“Don’t worry Tara.”
“I won’t say a word unless she asks.”
When Momma left I looked at Carly and gave her a little nod. She walked over and we both stood and watched as Tara and Bella changed Truth, like she was a baby doll.
“How’s Justice?”
“Good, strong, he’s Steel C.” I showed her the pictures.
“They let you hold him?”
I smiled, “Seriously look at me, you think they would’ve said no to this?”
She smacked me in the back, “Do you guys ever turn it off?”
“Life is good. I want to celebrate and praise Jesus at the same time you know. It’s just that kind of day.”
“I agree. They’re beautiful.”
“I need a favor.”
“Of course,” Carly nodded.
“Go see him, see Justice. Check out his chart, listen to what they say. I don't think they’re bullshitting me but I kind of want your opinion. You know the medical field.”
“Of course.”
“You can leave Little Bell here. She and Tara, look like they’re good.”
After explaining to Little Bell, that she in fact was a child, and that yes she was good with babies but hospitals had rules, Carly took off to the NICU.
I sat in the chair as Bell read The Hungry Caterpillar by Eric Carlyse to, Truth.
Carly came in and told us, through tears what a miracle Justice was and that from what she overheard the nurses were saying about how Justice was progressing, what she could tell by the monitors, and get this, she Googled that shit. C was a nerd, and I mean that in a damn good way.
When they left we were alone for the first time since our babies came into this world.
I walked over to the overnight bag and reached into the corner fishing for the little box I had hidden.
I walked over, kissed her cheek, set the box on the bed in front of her, and took Truth out of her arms.
“You got me a present? I didn’t even think to do that.”
“You gave me two.” I winked. “Open it up Birdie.”
Inside was a ring. Three sapphires, a diamond, and a ruby. Tara and our children shared the same birth month, her mother and I were July birthdays, her father and Momma Joe shared an April birth month.
“It represents us, and where we come from. You and the little ones, and our parents.”
“Jonathon’s isn’t here?”
“He is. Red is also January.” She smiled and shook her head.
“It’s beautiful.”
“Count the stones Birdie.”
She did and looked up, “Five.”
“Five stones and they are beautiful. Truth, weighs five pounds five ounces. Five, Birdie, is now beautiful.”
She nodde
d and winched as she leaned forward to grab me. “I love you.”
“I love you but I’m not done yet, this shits only gonna get better.”
She laughed and I leaned forward and gave her a kiss.
“One God brought together two people. We have Fugly which makes three. Four is still forever, you and me and our little ones. Five living breathing souls will fill our house. You, Truth, Justice, Fugly, and I. Six were the amount of weeks I knew you before I could admit I could be the man you deserved. Seven rhythms with heaven and up there are a few angels looking out for us. Eight still reminds me of you and your hot little curves. Nine will always remind me of mine, and ten lifetimes with you still will never be enough.”
“You are so beautiful,” she whispered as she looked at me.
“Still messes with me when you say that you know.”
“I hope you’ll see it someday.”
She held my hand and rubbed her tiny little thumb over my knuckles.
“I had a moment with Justice earlier. Looking at him, thinking about what being a father meant to me. It hit me hard that there would be no way in hell he could stop me from helping him, being by his side no matter what it meant. My father died ensuring I lived. He went with me that day because he was looking out for me, cause my head wasn’t really on straight. I can think of a hundred reasons why it was my damn fault he died that day. No one could ever convince me otherwise. No one except Justice. Cause if it was ever my life or his, I’d give up mine to save him. Not just him, you and Truth too. I looked in his eyes today Birdie and I saw heaven. My father, Jonathon Steel gave me the opportunity for that to happen. I would do the same. I don’t blame myself anymore. Doesn’t make it less painful, but I understand now.”
The nurse came in and said she needed to take Truth, to the nursery to run some tests. Tara, looked nervously at me and then back at her, “Is she okay?”
“Of course, we just do vitals and normal newborn screenings.”
“I want to go see Justice,” she said looking at me.
“You should really rest,” the nurse began.
“She wants to see her son, I’ll carry her,” I stood up off the bed, leaned over and held Truth, out so Tara, could kiss her. Then I did the same. I set her in the bassinette and walked back over to my wife.
