It had taken both Sam and Beth to dress her. She was limp and couldn’t seem to find any balance – in her head and literally. When she sat down she kept folding into herself, as if everything inside her had actually been scooped out, not just that it felt like it. She’d always easily balanced on one leg and then the other to put her socks on. Now she had to sit to do it. And she couldn’t find any inclination to try to reach behind her to brush her hair or do up a bra. She couldn’t even find enough shame to feel embarrassed at being practically naked in front of Beth and Sam. Thank goodness she had such dear friends.
Hannah had no idea how long they’d been driving for or where they were, but suddenly they were parking in front of a modern building that looked like any other commercial premises. She felt slightly relieved that it looked so benign, but at the same time she was a little disappointed that they would make such important decisions at somewhere so … so, ordinary. What they were going through was so far from ordinary.
‘Okay,’ Raelene said after a deep breath and she opened her door. They all got out and together silently regrouped by taking another deep breath before walking forward, and again as they pushed open the glass door. Hannah felt queasy. She shook all over from the inside out and her heart was hammering. She took note that the women’s toilets were just a couple of steps to her right.
Hannah knew that Adrian, who was standing at the front desk, had given the receptionist their names, but she could barely hear anything over the sound of blood pounding in her ears. She nodded and murmured, ‘Hello,’ as she shook an older man’s hand. He had a kind, open, smiling but not smiling face. Hannah felt bad for not being friendlier, more polite.
He ushered them into a large lounge area with two leather chesterfields and a coffee table with neatly stacked brochures and a tray holding a teapot, cups and saucers and a small plate with three slices of cake. On the far side of the room was an open door. Through it Hannah could see a coffin. She’d never been to a funeral before and had never seen a coffin or casket in real life, so while she was a little repulsed, she was also curious. The room was filled with a wide selection of them, carefully arranged – some on metal legs with wheels and others on plain plinths. Some were made from dark glossy timber, like Hannah had seen in movies, but there were also some in lighter coloured timbers. But what she was shocked to see were the coloured ones – as shiny as cars and in pink, white, green and … oh god … Bermuda blue – Tristan’s favourite colour.
‘I’m sorry,’ she cried, and turned and bolted from the room, a hand clasped over her mouth.
Hannah made it to the basin just as she vomited. She fought to breathe. She began panting uncontrollably – short, gasping, ragged breaths – and was starting to lose her balance as Raelene appeared beside her.
‘Here, come and sit down,’ Raelene said, wrapping her arms around Hannah and easing her back out and over to a small couch.
‘I’m so sorry. I can’t …’ she gasped.
‘Breathe, Hannah, slow, deep breaths – in and out. Come on, there’s a good girl,’ Raelene said, rubbing her back.
Gradually Hannah brought her breathing under control. She wiped her mouth, snotty nose and dabbed at the streams of tears on her face. She relinquished the wet tissues when Raelene held up a small bin and then plucked several fresh ones from the box her mother-in-law silently held up to her.
‘I’m sorry, Raelene, but I really can’t do it.’
‘Yes, you can. And you have to, Hannah. I know it’s hard, but you have to do this. This is your last chance to honour them. I’m not saying this to be cruel, but, darling, as much as we loved your parents, we didn’t know them well enough at all to plan their funerals.’ Right then Hannah wished she’d insisted on Beth and Sam being there. They’d know.
‘But what if I get it wrong?’
‘You can’t get it wrong if you do your best and follow your heart. Just think about how they’d like to be remembered.’
They wouldn’t want me to be doing any of this and be in so much pain at all. They shouldn’t have fucking left me! She wanted to scream and shout, but didn’t have the energy.
‘It’s just so hard.’
‘I know it is,’ Raelene said. ‘But you can do it. You just have to believe you can.’
‘But I don’t want to say goodbye. They should still be here. Tristan and I didn’t even get to …’ Have children.
‘I know. This is horrible, but we have to say goodbye. We don’t have a choice. So we need to do it carefully. I don’t want you having regrets later.’
It was the different tone in her voice that made Hannah look up and search her mother-in-law’s face.
‘What do you regret about, um, Scott’s, um, funeral?’ She ventured carefully.
‘Well, not having a coloured casket, for one,’ she said with a knowing smile. ‘He loved all colours, but his favourite was green – deep emerald green. I like to think he might have become an artist. Or something to do with cars. Or both – like a panel beater. He loved cars right from when day one,’ she said wistfully, and then let out a deep sigh.
Hannah hugged her and wished Tristan had talked about his brother like this – shared him and his memories with her. She wanted to tell Raelene, but how could she without letting on that Tristan had only really spoken of his brother two or three times – and never about what Scott was like or with any real affection. Perhaps she and Adrian had known. Perhaps he’d talked about Scott with them. She really hoped so.
‘Even if I knew they existed, it wasn’t what one did back then – a coloured casket, that is. Not in the country. And certainly not under the circumstances. You had your service in the local church or at the local cemetery, or both, in the typical way. All very stock standard. You didn’t cause a fuss or do anything outlandish. It just wasn’t done,’ she added.
‘What else would you have done differently?’ Hannah asked quietly.
‘Bunches of streamers instead of flowers, pop music instead of hymns – no church. Definitely no church. And balloons. I think I would’ve liked to have let go of a bunch of helium-filled balloons. Though, back then I didn’t know how terrible they were for the planet and animals. Dreadful things. Sorry, I’ve got a bit of a bee in my bonnet about them.’
Hannah found herself smiling faintly. Raelene should have a conversation with Sam about the planet and saving the animals.
‘Anyway,’ Raelene said. ‘Scott was a child. Tristan was a … a… Oh god, Hannah, what are we going to do without him?’ Raelene dissolved and they clung together, their chests heaving in unison.
The two women sobbed uncontrollably until they were spent. It could have been hours or mere moments later, for all Hannah knew.
‘Tristan’s favourite colour was blue – the same blue as …’ she suddenly found herself saying.
‘Yes, I know.’
‘Do you want to …?’
‘It’s up to you, Hannah. He was your husband. We loved him dearly, but he’s belonged to you for the past five years.’
‘I think we should have the blue one. If Adrian agrees, that is,’ Hannah said.
‘Oh, that would be nice. Are you sure?’ Raelene said.
‘Absolutely.’ As they hugged again, Hannah thought it was the most definite she’d felt about anything since Christmas Day. And she even felt the slightest glimmer of strength at having made one decision.
‘Come on, we’ve left Adrian out there on his own for ages. I can do this,’ she added, more to herself than Raelene.
‘Good girl,’ Raelene said, and they got up.
Adrian was waiting for them by the reception desk. He offered a gentle smile and held out his arms to them both.
‘Sorry,’ Hannah said into his chest.
‘It’s quite okay. We have all the time in the world,’ he said, stroking the top of her head.
‘We’re feeling a little better. At least ready to tackle this, aren’t we, Hannah?’ Raelene said.
Hannah nodded whilst biting dow
n on her quivering bottom lip.
‘Sorry,’ Hannah said to the funeral director, who stood up as they entered the room again.
‘You don’t need to be sorry, dear. It’s a very difficult time for you. Please understand, there’s really no rush to decide on anything. You just take your time.’ He seemed even kinder than before – almost like an old family friend.
Hannah deliberately sat with her back to the caskets. Her head was feeling a little clearer. Suddenly she remembered the man’s name was Graeme. She felt good about that, it was bothering her that she’d forgotten it as soon as he’d introduced himself.
‘Would you like a cup of tea?’
‘No, thank you, Graeme, I think we should get started, if that’s okay,’ Hannah said. She looked at Adrian and Raelene, who nodded their agreement.
‘Of course,’ Graeme said. ‘Now, I see you’re looking at Wednesday.’
‘Yes. Is it too short notice?’ Raelene asked.
‘I think we can manage it. It’s more about giving family and friends enough time to travel.’
‘I just want …’ It over with. Hannah couldn’t say that. It sounded terrible. What she really wanted was to have it over before the New Year – it felt terribly important to her to not taint the next year with the funeral. She’d told Raelene and Adrian and they seemed to have understood.
‘I don’t foresee any problems there.’
‘Thank you. Right, well, now we’re looking to have a simple, pleasant, non-religious service,’ Adrian said. ‘Oh, and we’d like for it to be a joint service.’
Last night Hannah, Raelene, Adrian, Beth, Sam and Rob had looked at the funeral home’s website and discussed some options. It had felt so wrong to be using the everyday tools of tablet and Google – essentially putting it in the same category as online banking and shopping for shoes and books. Hannah had found it all hideous, but at least they’d agreed to some arrangements, which they’d listed on the piece of paper Adrian now held. It was crumpled and limp – no doubt his hands were sweaty like Hannah’s.
‘I couldn’t bear to go through it all twice,’ Hannah felt the need to explain. It was probably considered strange for a couple and their son-in-law to have a joint service. But if that was the case, Graeme didn’t let on.
‘That’s really not a problem at all. Are you considering burial or cremation?’ Hannah didn’t like the idea of her parents or Tristan in the ground or being burnt. She didn’t like the idea of them being dead, full stop, but that wasn’t an option.
‘Cremation for our son, Tristan, Hannah’s husband. We’ll take his ashes home to our farm in South Australia,’ Adrian explained.
Hannah had agreed to this as Adrian and Raelene were very clear on wanting to scatter Tristan’s ashes under his favourite gum tree on the farm. She didn’t feel she could argue. They’d offered for her to have half to scatter in their garden or another favourite place. She hoped she’d managed to successfully hide her horror. How ghoulish to have your loved one sitting on the mantel until their ashes were scattered. She knew people did it. But still …
‘Burial is the expensive option, though, isn’t it?’ Raelene said.
‘Here in the city it is because space is so limited. Leases in some cemeteries are now tens of thousands of dollars,’ Graeme said, ‘and that’s in addition to all the other funeral costs.’
‘I think I’d like to have Mum and Dad somewhere I can visit, though.’
‘Perhaps a niche wall would suit,’ Graeme suggested.
‘Yes. Perhaps.’ She thought it a bit undignified to put her parents, who had given her so much, in a hole in a brick wall with a tiny brass plaque over the top. She was beginning to see that these decisions couldn’t be made lightly or quickly. And she was becoming very tired.
‘Darling, you don’t need to rush into a decision. You can always decide on a niche wall later, can’t she, Graeme?’ Raelene said.
‘Of course.’
‘Okay. Let’s do that. Could I leave Mum and Dad’s ashes here and decide later?’ She wasn’t sure why, but she couldn’t bear the thought of having them in the house.
‘Yes, that’s fine.’
Hannah felt relieved. Deferring part of the decision wasn’t ideal, but going around in circles and making a snap decision just to save time wasn’t either. Like Raelene said, she didn’t want to have regrets. She was starting to think that funerals out in the country, with only a few options, sounded better, not at all a curse like Raelene was suggesting.
Her head began to spin again. There was so much to take care of. If only her parents had discussed all this at some point, but most people tended not to if they were still healthy. Death was too depressing to discuss in a casual chat over a cup of tea. If only they’d stated their wishes in their wills. She wouldn’t have even thought to check this with the solicitor if it hadn’t been for Raelene and Adrian.
‘Do you have a particular venue in mind for the service? The chapel here is available on Wednesday at two p.m. I’ve made a tentative booking, but it’s entirely up to you.’
‘Where we have it doesn’t matter if we’re not interring the ashes right away, does it?’ Adrian said.
‘It doesn’t matter anyway because the ashes won’t be ready for collection for several days after the service.’
‘Oh, I hadn’t thought of that, but, yes, it makes sense,’ Adrian said. ‘Shall we have it here?’ he asked Hannah and Raelene.
‘Is the chapel nice?’ Raelene asked.
‘Very. I can take you to see it before you decide. Here are some photos.’
‘Oh, yes, it looks lovely. Nice and new and peaceful,’ Raelene said, flipping through the pages of images. ‘Okay, Hannah?’
Hannah nodded.
‘All right, we’ll have it here. So that side of things is decided. Now onto the details of the service,’ Adrian said.
‘You’re doing really well,’ Raelene whispered to Hannah.
‘Yes you are,’ Graeme said. ‘You all are.’
‘Thank you,’ Adrian said. He wiped a few tears away, took a deep breath and cleared his throat. ‘Right, moving on. We’d like some background music played at appropriate times, but definitely no hymns and no one singing.’
‘I couldn’t bear to hear people singing hymns – it’s too much like wailing,’ Hannah blurted. Or had she? Had she said the words aloud? Yes, she had. Graeme looked like he was trying not to smile too broadly.
‘I completely understand. It’s your service to be held in any way you wish.’
‘They would hate that,’ Hannah added. Raelene put her arm around her and squeezed briefly before letting her go and putting her hand over Hannah’s that was clutching yet another ball of sodden tissues. They were necessary because she cried all the time, but the mess had also become a strange sort of security blanket to her. She’d begun to feel slightly unsettled each time she gave up a mass of the damp, macerated paper. She got used to the uncomfortable, yet also sort of comfortable feeling she got from holding them and fresh, dry tissues felt strange in her hand. Pretty much everything felt strange. She kept analysing odd, random things and how she felt about them and wondered if she was going mad.
Finally they’d run through their list and were double-checking between themselves and with Graeme that they hadn’t missed anything. Hannah felt as if she’d been there for most of the day, but the clock on the far wall showed that only a little over an hour had passed. She had to stare at it for a few beats of the second hand to convince herself it was still working.
She felt completely wiped out – hollow and empty but aching deep inside. Tired, so, so tired. So tired that when she heard what the funerals were going to cost she couldn’t express her surprise out loud. Christ! But she just stared at the number on the bottom of the brochure Graeme had pointed out. No wonder people took out funeral insurance. If only her parents had.
Apparently all their requests fitted neatly into the basic cremation package. Hannah was relieved they hadn’t wanted a
nything more elaborate – like tea and biscuits afterwards. Or two separate services. Adrian had already insisted he and Raelene were paying for Tristan’s share, so that was something. Did she have a plastic card or two with that much available credit? Her heart started racing and her mind started closing in on itself.
‘It’s all right, Hannah, we don’t need to worry about paying for this today,’ Adrian said.
‘Yes, you’ve got enough on your plate right now, and you’ve been very brave,’ Raelene said.
‘We do have several payment options available that we can discuss,’ Graeme offered.
Hannah nodded and muttered, ‘Thanks.’ She was starting to feel ill again. While Graeme was a very nice man, she didn’t want to discuss finances in front of him. She’d been raised to consider discussions about finances with anyone other than close relatives and friends to be crass. Of course she’d find a way to pay it. She’d also been raised to be careful with money too, and always paid her bills in full and on time. It was part of being well organised. She would find a way. But she didn’t want to talk about it here. Or now. One bloody thing at a time, for Christ’s sake! She wanted to snap that everyone should damn well be happy she’d managed this much today – it was more than she’d managed in all the days since …
‘Thank you for being so understanding, Graeme,’ Raelene said, getting up. ‘And now I think I’d like a quick look at the chapel before we go, if that’s possible.’
‘Yes, of course,’ Graeme said.
Hannah stood up and they trailed outside, where Hannah noticed the sign post for the chapel and parking. It turned out the office only took up a small portion of a large block. Behind it was plenty of parking and a lovely cream rendered building, the only giveaway that it might be a chapel was that it was long and narrow and had brightly coloured stained-glass windows. Inside, the walls were painted cream and there was a pleasant carpet runner down the aisle, but other than that everything was timber – the rows of polished pews, the lectern up front and two occasional tables to its left and right, and several tall pedestals standing empty, waiting for floral arrangements to be placed upon them.
Finding Hannah Page 7
