She flinches at his touch and that makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. The last thing I want to see is the two of them getting it on. Norma leads her down the hallway.
“Don’t be long,” she calls out.
“I won’t,” I say.
Deep down I know it’s foolish to stay alone but I have to.
47.
It’s a weird feeling to look down on a fallen version of yourself. I thought I’d feel something. Fear, anxiety, blinding paranoia but oddly I feel nothing. I’m numb.
I crouch between branches and leaves, tracing a finger over the dip of my clay cheek and the mound of my breast. Mark captured the essence of my body so well. The way my stomach dips in and my breasts point out. I can’t see the rest. It’s trapped beneath too much debris and after a few fruitless tugs, I know I’m not going to be able to shift it. I close my eyes as I feel the echo of his hands on my flesh. My face falls into my hands and I start to sob.
“Nice.”
“Shit,” I scream.
But it’s not one of the others, it’s Julia. She’s back and this time she’s no longer twelve. She’s me, a thinner, prettier me wearing jeans and a red top with a low neck. I can see the rise and swell of her breasts as she breathes like she’s been running.
“Stay the fuck away from me,” I shout. “I hate you.”
“That’s not a very nice way to talk to your sister, is it?”
“You mean the sister who just killed the man I love? Yeah, I think it is. And you can take my damn clothes off too.”
“But they’re great,” she smiles and spins around. “Why are you wearing shit like that when you have clothes like these?”
I’m still wearing scrubs and Mark’s t-shirt, stained with blood and wet from the rain blowing in through the hole in the wall. I don’t think I’ll ever take his shirt off. It’s all I have left of him.
“Besides, it looks like your sexy little secret is out now,” she points to the fallen statue. “Fucking the teacher? What did you think would happen? You know when everyone sees this, they’ll have proof about what went on between you guys. They’ll all think you snapped and killed him in some blind, jealous rage.”
“That statue could be of anyone,” I shout.
“That could be anyone? Don’t be an idiot Ana, it’s you. I know it, you know it and so will everyone else.”
God, why does she have to be right about everything? I kick my clay head and a small chip falls off the nose.
“Don’t do that,” Julia says sadly. “She’s beautiful.”
“Shut up.”
I kick it harder this time but instead of making a dent in the clay, I just end up hurting my toe. I lean back against the tree feeling weak and small again. She’s right. I’m screwed.
“What am I going to do?”
“You’re going to get out of this, and I’m going to help you.”
48.
When we were kids, Julia’s plans always used to get me in trouble. She was the one who came up with the idea of painting elephants on our bedroom wall but when Mom caught me up to my elbows in gray paint with no Julia in sight, I got the blame. The time our dolls ended up in the microwave, when the stuffed animals were flushed down the toilet. Of course that was Julia too but as usual she was never punished. Then there were other things, worse things. When Dad’s blood pressure medication was switched out with aspirin and he nearly had a stroke or the time bleach ended up in the juice bottle. The dolls and toys were Julia but when she went to that dark place, the deadly accidents were Julia as well.
“I don’t want you to help me,” I say flatly. “I just want Mark back.”
“What’s so special about him? There are a million guys out there. I’ll help you get any one you want.”
But I’m crying, tears bursting through the numb shell I’ve trapped myself in. I don’t want anyone else and I’ve already had lots of guys. None of them meant anything to me, until Mark. Julia claps her hands together, the sharp sound ringing through the wind and rain.
“Snap out of it. Do you want to get out of here alive or not?”
“Why do you care? All you’ve ever wanted is for me to join you. I might as well go out there to the lake and throw myself in. Would that make you happy?”
“No,” she snaps.
“Why not?”
Even through my tears I see the sparkle in her eyes. She’s up to something big. I know she’d never help me unless it was in her own best interest. I can see the lake out there through the rain, white swells racing across the steel gray surface. I’ve lived this hell for too long. Who am I kidding? I’ll never be rid of Julia. Throwing myself in somehow sounds like the best plan after all.
“Goodbye Julia.” I turn and walk away.
“Wait.”
She’s in front of me, her hands on my arms. Actually touching me with icy flesh that is real and cold. I don’t look away. Just stare straight into her face. It’s like looking into a mirror. She knows me too well to think I’m bluffing and this time I’m not. I’ve fucked up every suicide attempt I’ve ever made but this is for real. No one is going to get in my way. Not even Julia.
“Fine,” she says, letting go of me. “If you let me help you I’ll save Mark.”
49.
“Mark is dead,” I say. “There is nothing you can do to change that.”
“Really?”
She looks straight at me, then closes her eyes. Grabbing on to my arms again, I feel her presence slip away so that this time she’s the one who is empty inside. Before I can pull away, she’s back.
“Nope,” she says. “Not quite dead yet.”
“You’re lying. Let go of me.” I pull away and head for the door.
“He was still breathing when you left him, wasn’t he?”
“No,” I whisper.
“Well, he’s breathing now. Hanging on by a thread, I think they’d say. But if you do what I say and let me help you, I’ll make sure he gets out of here alive.”
Julia’s a liar. I know this. But she’s also made me do things I haven’t even been aware of, like wake up in a bathtub full of water. If she can do that, then maybe she can keep Mark alive long enough to get rescued. I don’t want to believe her. I don’t want to trust her. But more than any of those things, I want Mark to live.
“Fine,” I say. “Tell me what I have to do.”
“First, you get rid of the evidence. This statue and anything else incriminating. Then you get rid of anyone who knows something they shouldn’t.” She wipes her hands on her jeans and smiles. “Simple.”
“Simple?” I choke. “What do you mean get rid of anyone who knows something? No one knows anything and even if they do, how do you want me to get rid of them. You mean kill them? Because I’m pretty sure Mark’s fall could be chalked up to an unfortunate accident but everyone else? What are they? I can’t just go around killing people, Julia.”
“Why not?” she shouts. “It’s the one thing you’re good at.”
I take a breath and try not to panic. “How could you say that?”
“I’m dead aren’t I?”
I guess she has a point.
“There’s really no other way out of this?” I lean against the wall as if it can somehow hold me up.
“What do you think? You’re the smart ass.”
“Fine. Look, help me destroy the evidence but I’m not hurting anyone. If everything is gone then it’s their word against mine. We all win.”
She steps over branches and comes to stand next to me.
“Ana, don’t you know by now. Nobody is going to win.”
50.
Destroying evidence is one thing but finding it all in the first place? That is something else entirely.
“My DNA is everywhere,” I say. “There is no way this is going to work.”
She's sitting on the trunk of the tree like Norma was only she's enjoying it much more. Her legs swing back and forth and a huge grin fills her face, the kind she used to get before someone
got hurt. I know when I see that face I should just walk away. Confess what I know but I can't. Prison would be worse than the psych ward, far worse. I'd rather die than go there. And I can’t tell the truth. No one will ever believe that the ghost of my dead twin attacked Mark to hurt me. So I smile at her like I’m sharing a secret, like I used to when we were little and I covered for her. Then I wait for her to tell me what to do, just like she always does.
“Don't worry, I have a plan. You need to get rid of Mark’s phone and any evidence in his room that the two of you were together. Then talk to that whimpering slut Emily. She's the weak link, she knows something.”
I ignore the fact that if Emily thinks I'm a killer, then I'm the last person she's going to talk to. Instead I focus on the one thing I can control, getting the phone.
“Shit. I think I left it in my room. But I don’t see why it matters, it’s just a phone.”
“Just a phone?”
Julia slides off the tree and comes over to me. I want to back away but I force myself to stay. I look into her cold eyes and see myself staring back.
“It’s not just a phone. It’s a phone with naked pictures of you on it.”
“Well, can’t I delete them or something?”
“Delete them?” she laughs. “Nothing gets deleted forever. Everything can be brought back by some geeky nerd. You want to take that chance?”
“No,” I cry.
This can’t be happening. The pictures, the statue, there’s no way they’ll believe anyone else killed Mark. The circumstantial evidence is all neatly tied up with a bow. I might as well confess now and save them the trouble of investigating.
“Get a grip,” she says firmly. “You need to get it and you need to get it now. This storm won't blanket us forever. We’re running out of time.”
Get the phone to save Mark. I can do this.
“Okay so I get the phone. Then what do I do with it?”
She smiles, that empty smile of death.
“You throw it into the lake.”
I look outside where the rain and wind are still lashing, a solid wall of gray and black. If I go to the lake I’m not sure I’ll have the strength not to throw myself in as well.
“No fucking way,” I say shakily.
“You have to,” she says. “It's the only way to really get rid of it. That lake will suck it down to the depths and they'll never find it.”
I can't. I just know that I can't. Desperately I try to think of a way out.
“I could hide it,” I say.
“Hide it? When all hell lets loose they'll have this whole place crawling with cops and police dogs. They'll search every inch and anywhere you think you've hidden it, they’ll find it. But that lake out there? They'll never dredge the whole thing. It will be as good as gone.”
I know she's right but I don't want to do anything she says. I'm tired and cold. I just want to curl up next to Mark and go to sleep forever.
“Fine,” I say. “I'll go get it.”
“Then you take it out to the lake and you toss it in as far as you can.”
“Okay, I said I would do it.”
“You'd better,” she says. “Mark’s life depends on it.”
“I will.”
But as I walk away from her, I'm still not sure I can. I have no guarantee she’ll keep her end of the bargain and save Mark. I could be doing all this for nothing but I have to try.
51.
Heart pounding in my chest, I run back to get the phone. Pausing in the hallway to catch my breath, I hear Norma and Emily talking. The hairs on the back of my neck stand up as I listen. I'm just being paranoid. That’s all it is. But as I hear my name, I know it’s not paranoia but the fear of being caught in a lie.
“Look at her,” Emily says. “It’s disgusting. I mean she doesn’t even wax or anything. It’s so gross.”
“I think it’s beautiful,” Norma says.
“Beautiful? It’s obvious she was sleeping with Mark and then she killed him. Pushed him over that balcony and watched him die. What’s so beautiful about that?”
“Ana is sick,” Norma says. “She needs help. We can't put all this on her.”
“She's sick all right. So what are we going to do about it?”
There is an awkward pause and then Norma says, “We're not going to do anything.”
“What do you mean? We have to do something. We can't just sit by and let her get away with murder.”
“What do you want to do?” Norma says. “We're trapped out here remember? We have to play along until the storm breaks, then we get out alive, that's what we do. The rest is up to the police.”
“Look, I know you like her and you’re trying to protect her but that’s not going to help us if she snaps and kills us all.”
“Come on, don’t be crazy. Why would she kill us all? The guys are certainly capable of protecting themselves and if we stick together we’ll be fine too. She doesn’t have a weapon. I don’t think she even knows what she did.”
“But sooner or later she’s going to figure it out.”
“Well, let’s just hope it is later then.”
I think I’m going to be sick. I try and take slow deep breaths and swallow down the fear that’s bubbling up inside me. They have the phone and they know. My hands are shaking. I don’t know what to do. Julia never should have let me go off on my own. She should have come to make sure I didn’t screw up. Now I can’t get rid of the pictures and it’s only a matter of time before Emily tells Noah.
52.
I might be strong but I know I'm not strong enough to take on two girls by myself, especially when one of them is nearly twice the size of me. I like Norma but I heard the uncertainty in her voice. With Emily bent on destroying me, Norma will never believe I'm innocent and it will just be a matter of time before her conviction infects everyone else. No. I won't let that happen, I can't. All I’ve ever wanted is to get away from the memories and start a life of my own. Now maybe I can have that with Mark. I have to get to the others first and make them believe me instead.
I tiptoe from the bedroom door and as soon as I'm far enough away, I run like hell. There is only one thing on my mind, get to Noah and make him believe me. Nothing else matters. As I run I listen for Julia, for laughing or a blonde wave of hair as she runs around a corner but I don't see her anywhere. She won't want me to confide in Noah, she'll want me to kill Emily and Norma and I won't do it. I can't. No matter what she thinks, I'm not a murderer. Perhaps, with Noah’s help, I can resist the pull Julia has over me and make things right.
I find Mike sitting alone in the kitchen.
“Where is Noah?” I ask breathlessly.
“Outside.”
“Outside?” I ask. “Why?”
“I don't know, something about his dog needing to take a dump.”
I grab one of the raincoats off the rack. It smells of mold and fungus but I don't care. I throw it over my damp clothes.
Outside the rain blows sideways. It hits me across the face and I stumble back into the doorway as a gust of wind catches me. Noah stands against the wall, sheltering from the wind and rain as best he can while Charlie runs around like a puppy, chasing leaves and plastic bags. He sees me as I fumble for my footing and pulls me next to him, holding my arm so I don't blow away.
“What are you doing out here?” he asks.
His hair is plastered to his face and he looks worried. I know he cared for me before. I have to find a way to tap into that place again and bring him back to me. It's the only way to make him believe me. I need my friend back.
“Can I talk to you?”
“About what?”
But I can't find the words. How can I tell him about Julia without sounding insane? I smile helplessly and wrap my arms around myself, shivering in the big raincoat.
“At least someone is having fun.”
I point to Charlie who runs excitedly in circles. He jumps as a bag is tossed up into the air by a big gust and then pounces when it com
es to rest on the ground.
“I shouldn't have brought him,” Noah says. “He could have been at home with my folks on the farm. They have a generator and plenty of supplies. He wouldn't be stuck here with me in this broken down building, waiting for help to come.”
“Why did you come back anyway?”
“I was worried about you.”
The wind pushes me against Noah and then almost pulls me off my feet. He grabs hold and pulls me into him. For a moment I lean my head against his chest and hear the beating of his heart, faint beneath the rage of the storm. He puts his arm around me but I pull away.
“I can't do this,” I say.
“Do what?”
“I don't know.” I wave my arm, pointing to the fallen trees and littered landscape. “Any of this. I’m not this kind of person. I thought I was but I'm not.”
“You’re surviving. That’s all you can do. That's all any of us can do.”
“But what if that's not all I've done.”
Noah looks at me. I expect to see fear or revulsion. He has to know what's coming next. But instead I only see compassion and caring etched on his face. I start to cry.
“Everything is my fault,” I sob.
Noah wraps both his arms around me and I soak up his warmth and strength. If I can get him to believe me then I can make it.
53.
“Can we get the room for a minute Mike?” Noah asks.
The three of us have traipsed back inside, dripping mud and leaves behind us. Charlie shakes the rain out of his coat and jumps up at Noah, leaving muddy paw prints all over the place. Noah gently pushes him away with one hand until he finally gets the message and trundles off to investigate something under the table.
“Um yeah, I guess,” Mike says.
He's been working on something electronic on the table. Parts and wires are strewn all over.
“I thought I could get this damn thing working but it’s not going very well.”
“Nothing is,” Noah sighs. “It won't take a minute. Maybe you could check on Norma and Emily?”
My Deliberate Mistake Page 11
