“We should leave our stuff, just forget it. We need to get out of here.”
“I can't,” Norma cries. She runs into the thick smoke and even though I don't want to, I follow her.
60.
Running headfirst into a fire is dangerous and stupid. I don’t want to do it but more than that I don’t want to see the look on Noah’s face when he finds out I let Norma go on alone. He’s risking his own life to save the others. The least I can do is keep Norma safe. I call after her to stop, to forget the stupid stuff. That it’s replaceable and she isn’t but I can’t see her. I can’t even see my own hand in front of my face so I have no idea if she can hear the words I’m choking on.
There are fires in some of the rooms. Desks and chairs piled into makeshift bonfires with books for kindling. Flames lick up the walls and dance in the heat. For a moment I see the beauty Julia does but I can’t think like that. I don’t want to die here. In fact for the first time in a long time, I don’t want to die at all. I want to be with Noah. I want to start my life over. If I make it out of here then I’ll have earned my second chance.
“Norma,” I shout.
“Ana, hurry,” she yells back.
61.
The dorm rooms have been trashed but that’s not what I see as I run into the room. It’s Emily, standing there with a match in her hand and a vacant look in her eyes. Julia stands behind her looking smug.
“You did this?” Norma shouts. “You started all this? What the hell is wrong with you?”
“Be quiet Norma,” I say calmly. “You don’t want to make things worse.”
“Make things worse? How the hell can they get any worse? Mr. Richardson is dead. The school has been destroyed by the hurricane and now this? She’s running around setting fires like a fucking pyromaniac. I can’t take this anymore.”
“Emily,” I say. “Don’t do anything stupid.”
“She’s not the stupid one,” Julia says. “You are. She’s doing the things you didn’t have the guts to do. She’s cleaning up your mess. You should be thanking her.”
I look at Norma but she’s still staring at Emily and not at the mirror image of me standing behind her.
I ignore Julia. I have to get through to Emily somehow.
“Things are okay,” I say. “Everything is going to be all right but we have to go now.”
“You think just because you fucked some boy, everything is magically going to be all right?” Julia says. “No. Everything is going to be all right because I destroyed the evidence and I’ve given you a scape goat, a girl who everyone will believe was the killer. I’m the one who’s given you a second chance.”
I know her words are meant to hurt me but this time they slide off like butter. I can’t let her get to me now.
“It doesn’t matter what you’ve done,” I say. “You can leave your past behind, we all can. We can start afresh, forget what happened here. It doesn’t matter. We can all be different people.”
Julia glares at me. “You’ll never be free and all of this? It’s on you now.”
She says something I can’t hear but Emily can. She promptly lights the match and sets herself on fire. Norma screams and I surge forward to grab Emily and stop her but it’s too late. She must have doused herself with some sort of accelerant because she’s already burst into flames.
“No,” I scream.
This time it’s Norma pulling me back, away from the fire. The smell of scorched flesh fills the air and I choke on it. I can’t be responsible for another death. I hear Julia laughing and watch helplessly as Emily crumples to the floor, a burning sack of flesh who never even made a sound as the life was burned right out of her.
62.
We run and this time it’s not towards clothes and crap that we don’t really need or even want. This time it’s away from the horror of everything we’ve seen, toward the only things that matter like air and freedom. I can still hear Julia laughing as we run. It’s ringing in my ears like a broken alarm clock and I can’t shut it off, the memory of Emily burning alive etched on my retina forever.
All the corridors are filled with smoke now, the flames greedily eating the paintings and tapestries. It doesn’t care what it touches as long as it burns but I refuse to end up like Emily. I won’t let the fire or Julia take me. My lungs hurt and my skin burns but I won’t die here today. Only the fire blocks us at every turn. There is a pit of flames at the bottom of the stairs, rising and falling like molten lava. We try another way but a giant tree branch blocks the corridor.
“Where is the damn rain when you need it?” Norma gasps, looking at the blue sky through the hole in the roof.
“Even rain couldn’t put this fire out,” I say.
The building groans as the fire consumes it beam by beam. This is one disaster Victoria College won’t escape from.
“Maybe we could jump,” Norma says. She walks to the edge and peers down.
“Be careful,” I pull her back as the floor starts to crumble beneath our feet. “It’s three floors down. We’d probably break our legs.”
“I’d rather break my legs and still be alive.”
I don’t add that we could also break our necks or end up dead like Mark. I lean against a solid wall, my legs weak.
“There has to be another way.”
63.
“Oh God, I don't want to die,” Norma wails. “Not like this. I don't want to end up burned to a crisp like Emily.”
“Shut up. I’m trying to think. There has to be another way out.”
Then I remember.
“I’ve got it. Come on.”
I grab her hand and we run.
“Where are we going?” she says.
“There is a hidden stairwell by the studios. It leads out to the back of the house. If the fire hasn't reached it yet, we can get out.”
As we run I listen for the sound of Noah and the others. I want to find him, to look for him instead of getting myself out but he made me promise. I can't let him down. Only deep in the pit of my stomach is the fear that maybe he hasn't found a way out or worse, that Julia has got to him like she did to Emily and Mark. That right now he's walking head first into a wall of flames because she told him to. No. I won't believe it. I won't let her hate infect me. I push the evil thoughts from my head in case I’m tempting fate and suddenly we’re at the door to the stairwell.
“Should we open it?” Norma reaches for the handle.
“Wait,” I shout, pulling her hand back. “We have to make sure there isn't a fire behind it.”
I spit on my fingers and touch the handle quickly, pulling them away as fast as I can just in case.
“Is it hot?” she says.
“No. I don't think so.”
I touch it again, this time longer. The handle is warm but not scalding. I place my hand on the wood and it feels the same.
“Is there a fire in there?”
“I don't know,” I say. “Just shut up for a second.”
“God, I'm only trying to help. I don't want to die either you know.”
I ignore her and place my ear against the wooden door, listening for the crackle of flames or the crash of falling timbers. I can hear that in the distance but behind the door I only hear the rush of silence.
“You’d better get back just in case.”
“What about you?”
“Someone has to take a chance and open the door. If you see flames, run like hell okay?”
She nods, looking petrified. My hand shakes as I grab hold of the door handle and turn it slowly. I inch the door open and hold my breath, ready to slam it shut as fast as I can but no flames rush out. Our first lucky break.
“Come on.”
We run through the doorway and down the spiral staircase. There is smoke at the bottom but this time I know there won't be flames on the other side. This time I know the door leads to air and freedom. We crash through it and out into the world, coughing as fresh air fills our lungs and forces the smoke out.
I fall onto the wet grass, not wanting to look back at the house. Instead I focus on a blade of grass next to my face. The way the sun lights up the veins inside and casts a rainbow through the drop of water suspended at the tip. I can't look back and see the horror we survived until I know Noah has made it too.
“Holy shit,” Norma whistles.
“Is it bad?” I say.
She doesn’t answer and I know it is. The wood cracks as it burns. Floors collapse and windows smash as the glass blows out from the heat.
“Do you think they got out?” Norma asks. “The others I mean?”
I don't answer. Just vomit onto the blade of grass I've been looking at.
64.
Norma drags me further away from the house. Embers fall like red snow all around us. I feel like I'm trapped inside a nightmare. I just want to lie on the grass and wait but Norma won't let me. The ash singes our skin and clothes but I don't even feel it. I won’t feel anything until I see Noah again.
“I can’t walk anymore,” I mumble as my legs fall out from under me.
“We have to,” she urges, pulling me up. “We made it this far, I'm damned if I'm going to let that stupid building fall on me.”
She drags and I stumble. My arm hurts where she is pulling on me. I feel like I might vomit again, then I do. I collapse to the ground.
“Far enough,” I say.
I lift my head and see stone feet, the statue where Noah and I first kissed. Somehow I've ended up here but Noah hasn't. I force myself to sit up and look around. Maybe he's just on the other side, sitting on the ground like I am, choking smoke out of his lungs.
“Do you see anyone? Is Noah here?”
I'm up on my feet, holding on to the statue for dear life. The cold wet stone the only solid thing in a world that keeps moving. Noah isn't on the other side and he isn't anywhere else either. Not in the sprawling gardens now ruined by the storm or coming down the driveway where his truck sits battered and crushed. I can’t see him anywhere. I look at Norma, her pale face smudged with soot and she shakes her head. The house still cracks and spits in the distance. I force myself to look back at it. It has collapsed in places, sagging under the weight of fire and storm damage. Flames lick from the windows and a great ball of black smoke billows up into the pretty blue sky.
“They're not coming,” she says. “There is no way they could have made it.”
I push her away from me.
“There is,” I cry. “If we made it then so can they. There is a chance, there is always a chance.”
But I know if Julia let me out it was only for one reason, to make me suffer and Noah is the way she'll do that. She wanted me to burn in there, to die so I would be with her forever but that didn't happen. Maybe she changed her mind. Maybe she'd rather I live a life of pain than an eternity with her. I sink onto the grass and put my head in my knees. I'm dizzy and sick and every bone and muscle in my body hurts. If Julia can't do it then maybe I will. Maybe it's time to just end it after all.
But Norma is suddenly up on her feet.
“They're coming,” she shouts.
65.
This time I’m not afraid to look. I scramble to my feet, straining through the smoke as people stumble out of it. At first I can't see who is there. My heart’s pounding but this time it's from excitement. They made it out. They’re coming. Noah is coming. Then I see her, skipping merrily behind them. It's Julia, and I know there is only one reason she'd be so happy.
I run towards them anyway, looking for that familiar plaid shirt and crooked smile but I don't see him. There is Mike and Carl, holding Natalie between them as they limp along but no Noah.
“Where is he?” I say. “Where’s Noah?”
Carl and Mike fall to the ground coughing. Natalie collapses with a whimper. Mike has a gash on his forehead and Carl's leg is badly burned but they made it. They’re alive and so Noah must be too.
“Is he coming, is he okay?” I shout at them.
But Julia skips around us, laughing. She’s back in her white dress, the twelve year old version again.
“Is he behind you? Is he coming?” I scream.
“He got us out,” Carl chokes. “He saved us.”
“So where is he?”
“He went back for Charlie.”
His dog. I should have known he'd never leave him behind. Poor Charlie, scared and trapped in the fire. I know Noah could never live with himself if he got out without his dog. My legs give out from under me and I fall back to the ground.
“Where's Emily?” Mike asks.
“She didn't make it,” I whisper.
“Didn’t make it?” Norma snaps. “The girl fucking lit herself on fire right in front of us.”
“She did this? She started the fire?” Mike says.
“Well, she was the one standing there with a match and the next minute she just lit herself up like a firework. We tried to stop her but it was too late. It was awful. Oh God, it was so awful.” Norma buries her face in her hands.
Natalie starts screaming and Carl scrambles over to hold her. My heart wrenches. First I lost Mark. Now I’ve lost Noah.
“I told you,” Julia says, coming up behind me and whispering in my ear. “I told you, you shouldn't have come here. You wanted to get away from me. Do you see now that can never happen? You're mine.”
“Shut up,” I shout. “Shut the fuck up. I hate you.”
“Nobody said anything Ana,” Mike says slowly.
They think I’m mad. I can see it in their faces but they don’t know what I’ve had to live with all these years. I can’t stand it any longer. I have to be free of her once and for all. I can't live like this, not anymore. Not alone.
“I’m sorry,” I tell them. Then I run.
“Where are you going?” Julia calls out. “You can't escape me. You'll never escape me.”
“Oh yeah?” I shout. “Just watch me.
66.
I run towards the lake. The one place I swore I'd never go. The house is engulfed in flames, they shoot from every window. I know there is no way Noah is still alive. He's dead and that's why Julia is happy. He died to save his dog and I'll die to end my curse. I've seen what life on the other side could be like without Julia. How someone could love me and hold me and never let go. I had that for one brief moment and now it’s been ripped away.
I hear sirens in the distance. I know help is coming for the others and I'm glad. Sure, they’ll probably be scarred for life but they made it. They're alive and maybe they'll live better lives now, live with more purpose. Or maybe they’ll just crack and go insane but at least they’ll have a chance.
The cool air burns my lungs. I cough and choke on it, slowing as I reach the blue expanse of water. It's swelled from the rain to form a flat mirror that stretches on forever, reflecting the sky. I stop at the edge where the water gently laps against fresh grass. Tears stream down my face but I want to do this. I want to get rid of Julia once and for all. I step into the cold water, my foot sinking into the soft ground. The water greedily sucks me in. I know it wants me. It's wanted me all along. I've fought for too long. Now, I'm ready to surrender.
67.
“What are you doing?”
It's Julia. She's finally caught up with me and for the first time in forever I see worry on her face.
“What do you think I’m doing?” I say calmly. “I'm ending this.”
The cold water laps around my ankles. I don't hear the fire or sirens anymore. I don’t hear anything but the water, welcoming me.
“You can't do this,” she shouts. Her face has turned red and angry, her eyes flashing steel.
“I can.”
I take another step.
“I've done everything you've ever wanted. All of this, I’ve done for you.”
She points back to the house. I ignore her.
“I did it for you,” she shouts again desperately.
I look at her, see the fabric of her soul unraveling. For so long she's held some sort of power
over me but she doesn’t anymore. In finally committing to my death, I've somehow severed the ties between us.
“I killed you,” I say. “There, I said it. I killed you to save our family but I couldn't save myself from you. Now I can.”
Her mouth opens and closes but this time no words come out. I reach into the cold water and pick up two large stones, then stuff them into my pockets. This is final. This is real. This time I won't bob back up to the surface like a hollow doll. This time the water will fill my lungs and take me, just like it took Julia on the day I drove our car into the lake.
68.
It’s trickier to walk into a lake than you might think. The ground is slippery. It gets harder to pull my feet out and take the next step but I am determined. Nothing can stop me now. Julia wades beside me, her mouth still flapping open and closed like a fish out of water. I’m not sure if she’s bluffing or if she really can’t talk but frankly I don’t care. She tries to grab my arm but this time her hand passes right through it. The shock on her face tells me she has no idea what is happening to her. I don’t either but I hope she’s being sucked down to hell.
Part of me knows I might end up there too. Noah, who ran towards the fire to save his friends and his dog, will undoubtedly not be in hell but the odds don’t exactly stack in my favor. I’m a killer. But either way I’m too tired to carry on in a life where everything hurts this much.
The water is up to my knees. Now it’s at my waist. It’s been shallow for a while, the overflow water from the storm but now I’ve hit the original part of the lake. The ground is no longer slippery grass but sand and rocks. I stumble and fall as the cold water reaches my armpits. Julia is with me. Grabbing and pulling at the air around me. Frantically mouthing over and over again but I just look at her and smile. Then my head slips beneath the surface and she’s gone.
My Deliberate Mistake Page 13
