Girls in Love

by Jacqueline Wilson

  ‘The nerve of it! He says he won’t go to a stupid Year Nine baby birthday party because his mates would give him stick about it if they found out – after he made me go to that night of Ultimate Embarrassment at that nerdy Adam’s place! I told him where to get off. Or words to that effect.’ Magda grins. ‘So now I haven’t got a boy either, Nadine. We’re a right pathetic trio. One totally absent boyfriend, and two exes.’

  ‘Well, we’ll go to Stacy’s party just the three of us, like we planned originally. Let’s make it a real girls’ night out,’ I say. ‘You two come back to my place and sleep over afterwards, yeah?’

  Magda agrees enthusiastically. Nadine doesn’t look as if she agrees at all, but she can’t summon up the energy to argue.

  ‘I am seriously worried about Nadine,’ Magda whispers to me in class. ‘Ellie . . . how far did that Liam get with her?’

  ‘I’m not sure. I know he made her do all sorts of stuff, but I’m not sure about actual sex.’

  ‘You don’t think . . .? She couldn’t be pregnant, could she?’

  ‘Oh, Magda!’

  ‘She looks so pale.’

  ‘Well, she’s always pale.’

  ‘Yes, but now she looks like death. And she’s so droopy.’

  ‘That’s because she’s missing Liam.’

  ‘How can she now she knows the truth about that creep?’

  ‘Maybe she’s missing him even so.’

  ‘What? Look, I don’t get all this moping-around lark. I’ve just given up Greg and yet I’m not an old droopy-drawers.’

  ‘Yes, but you were never really that gone on Greg, were you?’

  ‘How do you know Greg wasn’t the love of my life, the passion of my girlhood, the flame of my bosom, the fire of my loins—?’ We are both shrieking with laughter by this time.

  Nadine stares over at us but she doesn’t even ask what we’re laughing at. I look at her tense white face and the dark circles under her eyes. I start to get scared. Could Magda really be right? What if Liam has got Nadine pregnant, just like that other girl?

  I know there isn’t any point asking her outright, not at school. I’ll have to talk to her privately, without Magda.

  So after tea this evening I tell Anna I need to borrow a textbook for homework off Nadine. Anna’s in a bit of a flap herself because Dad’s late home again.

  ‘He’ll be in a meeting. Or helping some student with a project,’ I say. ‘Don’t worry, Anna. I’m sure he’s not . . . He’ll be in any minute, you’ll see.’

  I feel mean leaving her but I have to go round to Nadine’s. Nadine’s mum asks me how I am and her dad calls me Curlynob as always, but there’s something guarded about their welcome.

  Natasha is her usual prancy poisonous self: ‘Hi, Ellie! Look, do you like my new knickers? They’ve got frills, see?’

  I can’t help seeing as she’s got her dress hoiked up to the waist. Why are all little kids such exhibitionists? If we carried on like that we’d get locked up – and yet we’re the ones who’re meant to be sex mad.

  ‘Natasha, darling!’ says her mum fondly.

  ‘Where’s your brother Eggs then, Ellie? Why didn’t you bring him round to play with me? I like Eggs,’ Natasha gushes, making her eyebrows waggle.

  ‘You little saucepot,’ says her dad, pretending to smack her frilly bottom.

  Nadine says nothing at all through all this. She stays hunched on the sofa, barely looking at me.

  ‘Nadine! Aren’t you going to offer Ellie a drink of Coke or a juice or anything?’ her mum hisses.

  ‘It’s OK, thanks. I’ve only just had my tea. I’ve really just popped over to borrow that History book for homework, Nadine,’ I say awkwardly.

  Nadine stares at me, as we don’t even have History homework this week.

  ‘Let’s go up to your bedroom,’ I say.

  Nadine gets to her feet like it’s a huge great effort.

  ‘For Heaven’s sake, buck yourself up, Nadine,’ says her mum. Then she looks at me. ‘I’m sorry, Ellie, but I’m really going to have to stop Nadine going out with you and Magda so much. I think you girls must stay awake half the night when you’re sleeping over at each other’s houses. Nadine’s been like a limp rag just recently and it’s really not good enough. Just look at the state of her!’

  ‘Yes, I know, I’m sorry,’ I mumble.

  When we’re out in the hall Nadine raises her eyebrows apologetically for using me as an alibi. I follow her upstairs. The midnight tone of her black walls and gentle spiral of her hanging crystals make her room a soothing bolthole from the aggressive rose wallpaper and pink Axminster on the landing.

  Nadine flops down on her bed. I sit beside her, fingering her black quilt. She’s sewn it with silver stars.

  ‘Nadine?’ I delicately trace the star shapes with my finger, trying to get up the courage to come out with it.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Naddie, look, I wanted to see you, just you and me. To ask . . . to ask how you are.’

  ‘You can see how I am,’ says Nadine, turning on her side.

  ‘Well. I know you’re feeling pretty fed up.’

  ‘That’s the understatement of the century.’

  ‘I’m sorry. I’m making a muck of this. It’s just – oh, Nadine, I can’t stand to see you like this. We thought, Magda and me, that maybe . . . maybe . . ?’

  ‘Maybe what? I wish you and Magda would quit discussing me. Aren’t you both happy now?’ Nadine says bitterly. ‘You can both say I told you so because you’ve been right all along about Liam and I’ve made an utter fool of myself.’

  ‘Oh, Nad, we don’t think that. It’s just you said you did all this stuff with Liam and I couldn’t help wondering – well, if you went the whole way with him and if you could possibly . . .’ I lower my head so I’m whispering right into her ear. ‘. . . possibly be pregnant.’

  Nadine lies still for a moment. I hold my breath. Then she looks up. Her eyelashes are spiky with tears. ‘No,’ she says. ‘No, I didn’t. And no, I’m not. I wanted to, just to show Liam how much I love him, but whenever he tried to I was suddenly too scared and I went so tense we couldn’t. So he said I was frigid.’

  ‘Oh, for God’s sake! Nadine! That’s the oldest and dirtiest trick in the book.’

  ‘I know. But I just wanted to please him. So on Saturday he gave me this stuff to relax me. We were going to go on to his mate’s place afterwards, where we could have a proper bed, because Liam thought it was maybe doing it out in the open that was bugging me. But then you and Magda came over. And then I heard those girls . . .’

  ‘Well, I know it must be awful for you, but at least you know what he’s really like now.’

  ‘But – but I got to thinking – I mean, what if those girls were talking about some other Liam?’

  ‘You have to be joking. They saw him. Your one.’

  ‘Or maybe they were making it all up because they were jealous because they wanted him themselves.’

  ‘Nadine, you can’t believe this crap!’

  ‘Well, that’s what I started telling myself. So I thought I ought to see Liam just to find out.’

  ‘No!’

  ‘And so yesterday after school I went looking for him, and when I found him with a whole crowd outside the video shop he wouldn’t even speak to me properly. He just said he never wanted to see me again after walking out on him like that in Seventh Heaven. He said I was a tight bitch, so cold that going with me would be like bonking a bag of Bird’s Eye frozen peas, and all his mates laughed, and this girl started hanging on his arm and cuddling up to him and sneering at me . . .’

  ‘Oh, Naddie, Naddie!’ I put my arms round her and held her tight.

  ‘Don’t tell Magda, will you?’

  ‘I swear I won’t.’

  ‘I feel so stupid. And ashamed. He was so awful to me, and yet – yet I still feel I love him. Do you think I’m completely nuts, Ellie?’

  ‘No, of course not. It’s him who’s the really vicio
us nutter.’

  ‘I wish it wasn’t all such a mess. If only I had someone who really loved me back. Someone romantic. Something like your Dan, writing to you all the time.’

  I take a deep breath. ‘Nadine. About Dan . . .’

  Nadine looks up at me. ‘What about him?’

  I open my mouth. The words are there, buzzing in my brain. I just have to trigger my tongue into action. Say it, Ellie. SAY IT!

  ‘I made him up.’

  I say it so quickly it comes out as one weird word: Imadimup.

  Nadine blinks, not quite getting it at first. Then – ‘Ellie! You made him up?’

  ‘Well, sort of. There was this boy on holiday, but he wasn’t . . . and then there was this gorgeous guy, and he did talk to me once, but he’s not called Dan, the other one is.’

  ‘What are you on about?’

  ‘I don’t know. It’s all a muddle. The thing is, my Dan isn’t mine and he’s not even called Dan. So if there’s anyone who’s completely nuts it’s me, saying all this stupid stuff about a boyfriend when I’ve never ever had one, not a proper one, anyway.’

  ‘I just can’t get my head round this! I did wonder, just at first – but you were so convincing. Hey, have you told Magda?’

  ‘No! I couldn’t bear it if she knew. She’d have such a laugh at me. You won’t tell her, will you, Nad?’

  ‘I promise I won’t. Oh, God, Ellie, we’re a right pair, aren’t we?’

  ‘You’re telling me.’

  ‘We’re a right pair.’

  ‘You’re telling me.’

  ‘We’re a . . .’

  ‘You’re telling . . .’

  We’re laughing so much we can hardly speak. It’s an age-old routine we used to spout when we were about seven and it wasn’t really funny then. But it feels so good to giggle like crazy. We both roll on the bed, helpless – and we’re truly back to being Best Ever Friends.

  Nadine’s still dead depressed about Liam, of course, but she’s not in quite such a zombie trance.

  I tell Magda there are no worries on the pregnancy front.

  ‘You’re sure, Ellie?’

  ‘Positive. They never actually did it.’

  ‘Well, at least that’s something. Though it still beats me how Nadine can have been mad enough to go with a guy like that.’

  ‘Well, we all do crazy things sometimes, Magda,’ I say uncomfortably. ‘Let’s stop going on about it, eh?’

  Magda is happy enough to change the subject because she’s found out that Stacy has this older brother Charles who’s going to be keeping an eye on things at the party, and apparently he’s really quite tasty looking, with blond hair.

  ‘How old?’ I ask.

  ‘About eighteen, according to Amna. She’s been to Stacy’s house for tea.’

  Stacy’s got big brown eyes.

  ‘Are his eyes brown by any chance?’ I say, though I know it’s a chance in a million. Well, there aren’t a million people who live in our town. Ten thousand? But that’s everybody. How many halfway good-looking boys of eighteen are there? The odds are whittling downwards. A thousand to one? Maybe even a hundred to one?

  ‘I don’t know about his eyes, Ellie. You’ll be asking me for his inside leg measurement next! Ask Amna. Ask Stacy.’

  I’d feel a right fool asking Stacy about her brother’s eyes. I decide I’ll just have to wait and see for myself. Of course he might not even deign to come to this party. But it’s getting quite famous now and all sorts of extra people are going. A whole crowd of Year Tens who go to Stacy’s dance class are going to be there, and several of them are going out with Year Eleven boys.

  Greg is waiting for Magda after school.

  ‘What do you want?’ she says, linking in with me and Nadine.

  Greg scurries along behind us. ‘About this old party on Friday night, Magda,’ he puffs. ‘Hey, wait a minute. I want to talk to you.’

  ‘Well, I don’t want to waste my breath on you, Greg, so why don’t you just push off?’ Magda sings over her shoulder.

  ‘Don’t be like that. Look, I’ve changed my mind. I’ll go to the party with you, Magda. OK? That’s what you wanted, isn’t it?’

  Magda sighs. She stops. ‘That was what I wanted. God knows why. It’s certainly not what I want now. I’m going to the party with my girlfriends. Right, girls?’ Magda smiles at us. We smile back, and the three of us walk on, still linked.

  There’s a pause.

  ‘Well, see if I care,’ Greg yells. He’s obviously trying hard to come up with something ultra-crushing. ‘You girls. You’re just a lot of lezzies.’

  We burst out laughing.

  ‘Poor Greg. He’s history,’ says Magda. ‘I like the sound of this Charles. I just have a feeling. Maybe Stacy’s party is going to be a key event in our lives, even though we started off thinking it the naffest non-event of the year. Maybe we’ll all have a dream encounter there. Are you listening, Nadine? And maybe you’ll meet your dream guy too, Ellie – or are you too involved with Dan to be interested?’

  I hesitate. I don’t dare look at Nadine. I mumble something about always being interested and then change the subject as quickly as I can.

  But as the three of us get ready round at my place to go to Stacy’s party on Friday evening I can’t help hoping that Magda is right. Maybe Stacy’s brother might just be my dream Dan. I haven’t caught a glimpse of him since he said See you.

  ‘Please let me see him tonight,’ I say over and over again inside my head as I put on my new shirt and skirt and the killer shoes.

  I think I look pretty cool, but when I see Magda I feel depressed. She’s wearing a brand-new raunchy red number and she’s got this new glossy red lipstick that makes her mouth incredible, a shiny scarlet Cupid’s bow.

  ‘Want to borrow my lipstick, Ellie?’ she says.

  I have a go but my lips are too big and my face too fat. I look like a little girl who’s been at the strawberry jam. I sigh and rub it off and start again.

  ‘What about you, Nadine? Want to add a bit of colour to your old chops?’ says Magda.

  ‘Colour!’ says Nadine, shuddering. She’s powdered herself chalk-white and outlined her eyes with kohl. Her own lipstick is such a dark purple it looks black and she’s done her nails to match. She looks pretty stunning in a black skirt and a black lacy top and black pointy boots.

  ‘Nice to see you looking your own deathly vampire self again, Nadine,’ I say.

  I wonder if the dream Dan might go for Nadine’s gothic glamour or Magda’s sexy scarlet. It seems very very very unlikely that he’ll plump for me instead. Plump being the operative word.

  But when we get to Stacy’s party her brother Charles doesn’t go for any of us.

  He’s not my dream Dan. Well, I knew it would be way too much of a coincidence. He is pretty tasty though, in a sort of floppy-haired posey kind of way. Stacy is charging about in a flouncy fancy frock, shrieking and squeaking in batty birthday-girl mode, so it’s left to big brother Charles to welcome us three into the party and show us where to leave our jackets and stuff.

  ‘So glad you could come,’ he says, smiling, looking at us with big blue eyes. (Not as distinctive as brown, but pretty devastating all the same.)

  I go all girly and Nadine manages a smile and Magda is in Total Vamp mood, her red mouth wide open as if she’s about to gobble him up. But then this other girl comes up to us, also smiling. She’s taller, older, even glossier than Magda’s lipstick. Charles puts his arm round her. She’s his girlfriend.

  ‘Oh, well, never mind. Let’s hope there are plenty of other spare guys,’ says Magda, her eyes darting round the already crowded room.

  ‘Honestly! I thought this was our big girls’ night out,’ I say to Nadine. ‘Look at Magda, eyes on stalks, desperate to pull.’

  ‘Oh, well. I don’t want to meet up with anyone,’ says Nadine. ‘I don’t want to go out with another boy for ages. If ever.’

  Nadine looks much better but it’s obviously goin
g to take months before she’s completely over Liam.

  But at least she’s been out with someone properly, even if he was a right pig. I feel so pathetic that the only boyfriend I’ve ever had is a pretend one.

  It’s not such a bad party. The music is OK and there’s lots of fancy food and that red wine punch they always give you at teenage parties when they don’t want you to get drunk.

  We have a glassful each and then we have a dance and then a laugh with some of the girls in our class. I suppose it’s a good night out, but I can’t help feeling depressed when I see that even Stacy has a reasonably good-looking boyfriend and lots of the other girls are with their boys, and though there are a few spare boys none of them so much as glances in my direction.

  They do quite a lot of glancing at Magda, of course. And Nadine gets her fair share of attention too. But there’s no-one here for me. No-one interested in me. No-one at all.

  ‘Ellie?’ Stacy suddenly comes rushing over. ‘Ellie, there’s this boy, he says he knows you. He wants to come to the party. Do you know him?’

  She points over to the door. I peer through the blurry lenses of my glasses, wondering if it could possibly somehow be my dream Dan.

  It is Dan.

  Not the dream one.

  The real Dan . . .

  I stare at him. It can’t be. It is.

  But how? I told him not to come. So what the hell is he doing here? How did he know where I was?

  He hasn’t seen me yet. Oh no. He has. He’s grinning. Waving. At me.

  ‘What on earth?’ says Magda.

  ‘Who is he?’ says Nadine.

  Everyone’s looking. Everyone’s staring. Oh, God, he looks worse than ever. His hair! It’s not even a skinhead cut any more. It’s sticking straight up for three centimetres, like he’s permanently plugged into a live wire. And he’s wearing a totally nerdy huge white T-shirt with a silly message and his jeans are showing his ankles and he’s wearing ancient Woollies trainers. They squeak as he crosses the polished floor. Squeak, squeak, squeak at every step. Nearer and nearer. And everyone’s still staring, whispering, giggling.

  ‘Who is this berk?’ Magda says, giving me a nudge.