by Jason Gurley
She stops on a staircase and sits, at eye level now with Varien, who is a tree in a cave.
Think about that, Varien, she says, quietly. Really think about it. What is our future? What's yours? Will you live forever on a mining hub, just like your parents before you? Will you have children one day? Will they sort rocks every day of their life? Or will you be the one note of the dirge that decides to soar instead of bellow? Will you write your own song, or keep chanting someone else's?
Varien holds up the piece of paper.
That's what you should say here, he says.
Tasneem smiles a tired smile. Right? I know that.
Nobody I know has ever heard your broadcasts, Varien says. It can't be because they're not passionate, because the one I heard was pretty good. Catrine told me that you're tired, though, and I can hear it. You're weary. Either you need someone like me, or you need to find more of what you just said to me, because I want to sign right up, right now.
She points at his page.
Read it to me, she says. Ignore everything I said a few minutes ago about family. I'm a hardass sometimes, everybody on this ship knows it. Fact is, you're onboard now, so I have to find a use for you. I can't have you go back, not knowing as much about us as you do.
I'll do whatever I can, he says.
Read that to me first, Tasneem says. Let's see if Catrine was right about you.
• • •
Tasneem's voice clatters through the ship, jangling off of the walls.
Everyone, she announces. Gather up on the bridge. Time to meet our new crewman.
She drops the handset back into the cradle.
Varien says, Should I be nervous?
No, Tasneem says. You square away with me, you're square with them all.
As the crew filters up one by one, Varien looks around the bridge. It's not much to look at. Equipment is bolted to iron tables that are in turn bolted to the floor. There are a handful of screens scattered about, but they're all dark and smudged. There's dust on some of them. In the center of the room is a captain's chair, isolated from the control booths.
Glamorous, isn't it? Tasneem says.
It's not bad, he says.
It's what you get, she says. I don't know what Saffron was like, but it was probably a little bit nicer than --
No, he interrupts. No, it wasn't. Saffron was the saddest colony in the system. And I'm glad for not going back.
Catrine is the last to arrive. She stands with the others, crowded around the navigation desk.
Tasneem points at each of them, one by one.
Varien, meet the crew. You know Catrine and Ishy now. Oona is our doctor and cook. Tarae is our engineer and pilot and communications specialist. And Serena -- well, Serena does everything that needs doing.
Massages, sometimes, Serena says, smiling.
Varien turns red and holds up his hand. Hi, everyone.
What do you do, Varien? Tarae asks.
He looks at Tasneem.
Tasneem says, Varien is our voice. Have him read you that sheet of paper he's holding. It's not half-bad.
Then she looks at Catrine and says, Let's talk.
Sparks
Catrine sinks against the wall.
That's it, then?
They're standing in a utility room, surrounded by supply crates. Tasneem sit down on one of them.
What do you expect me to do, Cat? Tasneem asks. You want it one way, and I just can't do it.
We agreed, Tasneem. We made a decision. We were going to be adults about it.
I don't think that's possible, Tasneem says. It's too small a ship.
Nobody knows, Catrine says.
Everybody knows! Tasneem says, and Catrine flinches. And if they don't know, they're going to guess soon enough. There are some secrets I'm good at, but there are some I'm decidedly awful at, and you are one of the awful ones.
Catrine buries her head in her hands. Nobody knows, she repeats.
I disagree, Tasneem says, but that's not important. Listen to me. I'm a million years old. There are some things I know very, very well at my age. I know how to play the long game in this battle we're fighting. I know that I'm going to outlive councilmen -- I've outlived many of them already. Today's an off-day, but I'm as patient as a goddamn turtle.
I don't know what a turtle is, Catrine says.
But Catrine, the thing that you don't know about me yet -- and maybe you don't know it because I've just become damn good at giving the right performance -- is that with you I'm a fucking teenager. The thing you don't know about me is that --
Oh, you shouldn't say this, David interjects.
-- is that you...
Tasneem tapers off, and takes a deep breath.
Cat, you were my first.
Catrine looks up, startled. What?
My first -- everything, Tasneem says. My first.
Catrine takes it in, stunned. I don't know what to say.
Tasneem shakes her head. Don't say anything. It's embarrassing and difficult enough as it is.
We made a decision, though, Catrine says. Embarrassed or not, you can't pin that on me.
I'm not pinning anything on you, Tasneem says.
Then what, Tas? What are you --
I'm trying to tell you that when it comes to you, I'm not rational, I'm not calm, I'm not patient. My heart won't stay in one place. My mind is a hurricane. I love you, and then I want to rip your arms off. That's what I'm saying. That's why you have to leave. Because I won't be able to keep this from the crew if you stay. They're going to notice, and it's going to unravel us all from the inside, and it's going to be my goddamn fault, so you have to go. Today, if you can, or tomorrow.
Tomorr -- Tasneem, where the fuck do I go? That's not time enough to plan anything.
We need her, Tasneem. This is completely irrational, David says.
You can have the transport pod, Tasneem says. Take it. Keep it. There are three, and we don't need them all. Go to Saffron, then go anywhere you want. You're an unknown. You have unprecedented freedom. You can do absolutely anything --
Jesus, Catrine says. You really want me to go.
Yes, Tasneem says. No. But you have to.
I still believe in what we're doing here, Catrine says. All this shit with you and me aside, my heart is here, on this ship, changing the system.
We can't do everything from inside the Maasi, Catrine. We're not even that useful. We're the --
The spark that lights the fuse, I know. I know.
We're the weakest part of the whole thing, Tasneem says. Once we light that fire, it's up to the people to burn.
Catrine walks to Tasneem and drops to her knees before her.
No, Tasneem says.
Catrine puts her hands on Tasneem's face. Do you know why we decided what we did?
No, Tasneem repeats, closing her eyes. She can feel tears building.
You and I couldn't be together because of the cause, Catrine says. Because it's bigger than us, more important than us. Because what we were doing -- that needs to wait. Because the cause needs everything we've got right now.
Tears escape from Tasneem's eyes, and Catrine rests her forehead on Tasneem's.
Did you think that it was because I didn't love you? Catrine asks. Did you think it was because I didn't want to wake up in your bed for the next hundred years?
Tasneem begins to weep.
It wasn't, Catrine says. Because I do love you.
She stands up abruptly, and Tasneem's head drops forward. Tasneem opens her eyes and looks up at Catrine, whose face has gone dark, and she winces at the change.
But I'll go, Tasneem. I'll go, and maybe you can light the fuse, and somewhere out there, I'll burn.
Wait, Tasneem says.
But Catrine goes.
• • •
What's your name?
Tasneem. Look, I really don't want to talk.
That's okay. I can just sit here instead.
I'd rather you didn't, but
I don't own the chair. So, okay.
I'm Catrine Newsome.
That's nice.
It is, isn't it? I've always liked my last name. It sounds so -- fresh.
Really, I just want to have a quiet drink and read.
That's fine. I don't want to interrupt.
But you are. You're interrupting. I can't read, and it's no longer quiet.
I apologize. You're familiar to me, though.
No, I'm not.
You are. You're familiar. You're a very, very important person... whose name and face I can't place.
I already told you my name.
No, you told me your first name. It's not the same thing.
I don't want to tell you my name.
It's okay. I already know who you are. There's just no easy way to sidle up to a secret revolutionary and tell her that you're her biggest fan.
I'm not a secret anything, and I'm not a revolutionary.
Maybe not now, but you were. You were, once upon a very long time ago. And I'm your biggest fan.
I don't need fans.
Maybe not. Maybe not. But I think you're lying about being a revolutionary. And that is something I think you do need. Help.
I don't need help with anything.
Nobody can stage a one-woman rebellion and win.
That's true. Go away now, please. I really do just want to drink and read in quiet.
Okay, okay.
You're still here.
Well, I thought it was understood that I'd be quiet, but that I'd stay in the chair that I have every right to sit in.
That's alright. You can stay. I'm going to leave.
Oh, don't leave. We were just getting started.
No, I'm leaving. You've interrupted my peace and quiet and --
You're very beautiful. I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't you. I only knew you by the famous streak in your hair. Otherwise I'd have thought you were, I don't know, twenty-six.
I don't --
You don't get compliments often, I think. You seem to be blushing.
I'm not blushing. I'm leaving.
I was leaving, too. Can I join you?
Jesus, you're persistent.
Yes. I am.
If I leave, you're going to follow me.
Yes.
And if I stay --
I'll be right here, too.
What do you want?
What do I want?
Yes. What will it take for you to leave me the fuck alone?
I want to snap my fingers, loudly. I want the sound of it to echo through the whole system. I want it to wake up every man and woman and little kid who thinks that things can't change. I want them to hear that sound and wake up, wake up.
I don't take kindly to hangers-on and flatterers.
I'm not interested in either, but you wouldn't be talking to me if I didn't play those cards right now. You and I want the same things. The difference is you're a woman who can snap her fingers and wake everyone up, and I'm not. What I can be, though, is a very, very good tool in that woman's belt.
I told you. I'm not a revolutionary anymore.
Bullshit. I heard you.
What --
I heard you. Two days ago. Your broadcast. I heard it.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Do you want me to quote it back to you? The flame in each heart has vanished, but our souls still smolder. Pretty good line. Not your best, but I liked it.
I'm leaving.
I'm coming with you.
You're really not.
Why are you in a bar on Hyperion, Miss Kyoh?
I told you. I'm having a drink and reading --
You're looking for help, I think.
I'm leaving.
I can help.
Move. I'm going.
If you won't hear me out, I'll tell everybody in this room who you are right now.
You're blackmailing me? Go ahead. I bet they don't know who I am.
Want me to shout a toast? Here's to the great revolutionary Tasneem Kyoh? See who remembers you?
Sit down.
Just watch --
Sit your goddamn ass down.
Okay.
Thank you.
Recruit me.
For what? I'm not --
Recruit me.
No.
Recruit me.
Leave me --
Catrine darted in like a sparrow and kissed Tasneem.
And that was how Tasneem Kyoh found her first officer.
• • •
Varien pounds on the iron door until it creaks open.
She's gone? he asks.
Tasneem blinks at him. I'm sleeping.
Catrine's gone? Why?
Tasneem groans. Jesus, Varien. We can talk when I wake up. Later. Much, much later.
The whole crew is already talking about this, he says. They say you kicked her off the ship.
No, they don't, Tasneem says.
Yeah. That's what they're saying. I want to know why. She brought me here. She's good people.
It's not important, Varien.
It is important, Tasneem. It's very --
Watch your goddamn tone. We'll talk when I get up.
Tasneem slams the heavy door shut.
You should probably talk to him. In fact, they all need to --
What is this, management training? she thinks.
Alright, David says.
I'm not going to be able to sleep now. I don't sleep when I'm angry.
You're too old to be this angry this often. Age is supposed to teach patience. You're moving in the opposite direction.
Says the immortal dead man. Don't you have a planet to find or something?
Well -- no.
That stops Tasneem. Wait. You didn't.
Now's not the time to talk about it, but yes, I think maybe I have.
No, let's talk about it now. This is a very big deal, David.
Yes. But we can talk about it after you settle your house.
David -- Jesus, why is everybody trying to blackmail me? Tasneem thinks.
Take me off now, please.
She pulls off the wristband, snaps it at the hinge, and connects it to the wall port beside the bed. Then she thumps onto the bed and sweeps the blankets around her in one move.
Shit, she mumbles to herself.
• • •
Tasneem is asleep at the galley table when Tarae sits down.
Tarae puts her coffee cup down gently, but the tiny vibration is enough to wake Tasneem.
You look hung over, Tarae observes.
I'm not -- maybe, Tasneem says.
Rough night?
I really don't want to talk about the quality of my night, Tasneem says.
Catrine is gone, Tarae says. She took pod three. I asked her where she was going. She said she didn't know.
Where she goes is up to her.
She also said she was leaving because you told her to, Tarae says.
Tasneem groans. I really, really don't want to talk about Catrine.
Okay, says Tarae. She sips her coffee.
Tasneem picks her head up. How much do you know?
I know the crew's taking bets on which one of us you're going to sleep with and send packing next, she says.
Jesus, Tasneem says. No, you're not.
No, but we could. I know you think we're all oblivious to your behavior, but you're like a newly-divorced party girl. There isn't one person aboard who doesn't know you and Catrine were sleeping together.
We weren't -- alright, fine. We were. Happy?
Is that why you sent her away?
Maybe, Tasneem says. She rests her head on the table again. Can we talk about this later?
Okay, says Tarae.
Serena pokes her head into the galley. Morning, Tarae. Morning, Tasneem.
Yes, I slept with her! Tasneem shouts. Alright? We don't have to talk about it!
Serena leaves.
Tarae says, Alright,
now everybody knows.
Serena didn't know?
She knew.
Tasneem exhales heavily. I just don't want to talk about it.
Who's taking Catrine's place as first officer?
I don't know. A rock.
She was good. I don't think a rock would do it.
You want the job?
Me? Not if it means I have to sleep with you. I like you and I think you're a lovely woman -- most of the time -- but I'm not interested in taking your pants off. Or you taking mine.
I fucked things up, didn't I, Tasneem mumbles.
If you mean you're behaving like a child, then sure, I'd go with that, Tarae says. You were pretty shitty to me yesterday, too.
You want an apology?
I want you to stop screwing around and start trying to save the system again, says Tarae. That's all. Can we do that? Can you?
I don't know, Tasneem says. I've been trying to do that for a long time. I need a vacation. I should go to Tahiti.
Let me channel Catrine for you, says Tarae. Nobody knows what Tahiti is.
Shut up, Tarae.
Yes, ma'am.
• • •
The Maasi shudders, and dull, hollow booms reverberate through the ship. Varien is in the viewing galley, writing, when it happens. He yelps, pulled from his fog of adjectives. The next collision knocks him to the floor and sends his pen skittering away.
Tarae's voice sounds throughout the Maasi.
This one's real. Serena, wake up. Tasneem, I could use you up on the bridge.
The speaker crackles to life again, and Ishy says, Serena, get down here now, we've got a fire.
Varien scrambles to his feet. He takes the stairs three at a time, then throws himself down a ladder. He bangs into the wall, takes a corner fast, and nearly collides with Serena at the next junction.
With me, Serena shouts, and Varien follows.
Ishy is at the engine room door. Her left sleeve has been torn away, and her arm is scorched.
You're burned, Varien says.
I'm okay -- be careful in there, it just got huge all of a sudden.
Serena yells at Varien from inside. Tall guy! Varien!
Varien points up the stairs. Go find Oona, he says to Ishy. Hurry, these things need immediate treatment or they just get worse.
Varien! Serena yells again.
Ishy staggers up the stairs, and Varien dives into the engine room.
Serena is on her knees to stay under acrid smoke. Varien drops to the floor and crawls to her.
