The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents

by Terry Pratchett

Page 5

 

  An ideal base, said Dangerous Beans. It smells secret and safe. A perfect place for rats.

  Right, said a voice. And you know whats worrying me about that? The rat called Darktan stepped into the candlelight, and hitched up one of his belts of tools. A lot of the watching rats suddenly paid attention. People listened to Hamnpork because he was the leader, but they listened to Darktan because he was often telling you things that you really, really needed to know if you wanted to go on living. He was big, and lean, and tough, and spent most of his time taking traps apart to see how they worked. What is worrying you, Darktan? asked Dangerous Beans. There arent any rats here. Except us. Rat tunnels, yes. But weve seen no rats. No rats at all. A town like this should be full of them.

  Oh, theyre probably scared of us, said Peaches. Darktan tapped the side of his scarred muzzle. Maybe, he said. But things dont smell right. Thinking is a great invention, but we were given noses and it pays to listen to them. Be extra careful. He turned to the assembled rats and raised his voice. OK, people! You know the drill! he shouted. In front of me, in your platoons, now! It didnt take long for the rats to form three groups. Theyd had plenty of practice. Very nice, said Darktan, as the last few shuffled into position. Right! This is tricky territory, troops, so were going to be careful… Darktan was unusual among the rats because he wore things. When the rats had discovered books - and the whole idea of books was still a difficult one for most of the older ones - they found, in the bookshop they invaded every night, the Book. This book was amazing. Even before Peaches and Donut Enter had learned how to read human words, theyd been amazed by the pictures. There were animals in there wearing clothes. There was a rabbit who walked on its hind legs and wore a blue suit. There was a rat in a hat, and he wore a sword and a big red waistcoat, complete with a watch on a chain. Even the snake had a collar and tie. And all of them talked and none of them ate any of the others and - and this was the unbelievable part - they all talked to humans, who treated them like, well, smaller humans. There were no traps, no poisons. Admittedly (according to Peaches, who was painstakingly working her way through the book, and sometimes read out parts) Oily the Snake was a bit of a rascal, but nothing truly bad happened. Even when the rabbit got lost in the Dark Wood he just had a bit of a scare. Yes, Mr Bunnsy Has An Adventure was the cause of much discussion amongst the Changelings. What was it for? Was it, as Dangerous Beans believed, a vision of some bright future? Had it been made by humans? The shop had been for humans, true, but surely even humans wouldnt make a book about Ratty Rupert the rat, who wore a hat, and poison rats under the floorboards at the same time. Would they? How mad would anything have to be to think like that? Some of the younger rats had suggested that perhaps clothes were more important than everyone thought. Theyd tried wearing waistcoats, but it had been very difficult to bite out the pattern, they couldnt make the buttons work and, frankly, the things got caught on every splinter and were very hard to run in. Hats just fell off. Darktan just thought that humans were mad, as well as bad. But the pictures in the book had given him an idea. What he wore was not so much a waistcoat as a network of wide belts, easy to wriggle in and out of. On them hed sewn pockets - and that had been a good idea, like giving yourself extra paws - to hold all the things he needed, like metal rods and bits of wire. Some of the rest of the squad had taken up the idea, too. You never knew what you were going to need next, on the Trap Disposal Squad. It was a tough, ratty life. The rods and wires jangled as Darktan walked up and down in front of his teams. He stopped in front of one large group of younger rats. All right, Number Three platoon, youre on widdling duty, he said. Go and have a good drink.

  Oooh, were always on widdling, a rat complained. Darktan pounced on it and faced it nose to nose, until it backed away. Thats cos youre good at it, my lad! Your mother raised you to be a widdler, so off you go and do what comes naturally! Nothing puts humans off like seeing that rats have been there before, if you catch my meaning! And if you get the opportunity, do some gnawing as well. And run around under the floorboards and squeak! And remember, no-one is to move in until they get the all-clear from the trap squad. To the water, now, at the double! Hup! Hup! Hup! One two, one two, one two! The platoon headed off, at speed. Darktan turned to Number Two platoon. They were some of the older rats, scarred and bitten and ragged, some of them with stubs of tails or no tails at all, some of them missing a paw or an ear or an eye. In fact although there were about twenty of them, they had between them only enough bits to make up about seventeen complete rats. But because they were old they were cunning, because a rat who isnt cunning and shifty and suspicious doesnt become an old rat. Theyd all been grown up when the intelligence came. They were more set in their old ways. Hamnpork always said he liked them that way. They still had a lot of basic rattiness, the kind of raw cunning that would get you out of the traps that over-excited intelligence got you into. They thought with their noses. And you

  didnt have to tell them where to widdle. All right, people, you know the drill, said Darktan. I want to see lots of cheeky stuff. Stealing the food out of cats bowls, pies from under the cooks noses-

  - false teeth from out of old mens mouths- said a small rat, who seemed to be dancing on the spot while he stood there. His feet moved all the time, tippity-tapping on the cellar floor. He wore a hat, too, a battered, home-made thing out of straw. He was the only rat who could make a hat work, by wedging his ears through it. He said to get ahead, you had to get a hat. That was a fluke, Sardines. I bet you cant do it again, said Darktan, grinning. And dont keep on telling the kids how you went for a swim in someones bathtub. Yeah, I know you did, but I dont want to lose anyone who cant scramble out of a slippery tub. Anyway… if I dont hear ladies screaming and running out of their kitchens within ten minutes Ill know youre not the rats I think you are. Well? Why are you all standing around? Get on with it! And… Sardines?

  Yes, boss?

  Easy on the tap-dancing this time, all right?

  I just got these dancing feet, boss!

  And do you have to keep wearing that stupid hat? Darktan continued, grinning again. Yes, boss! Sardines was one of the older rats, but most of the time you wouldnt know it. He danced and joked and never got into fights. Hed lived in a theatre and once ate a whole box of greasepaint. It seemed to have got into his blood. And no going on ahead of the trap squad! said Darktan. Sardines grinned. Aw, boss, cant I have any fun? He danced after the rest of them, towards the holes in the walls. Darktan moved on, to Number One platoon. It was the smallest. You had to be a certain kind of rat to last a long time in the Trap Disposal Squad. You had to be slow, and patient, and thorough. You had to have a good memory. You had to be careful. You could join the squad if you were fast and slapdash and hasty. You just didnt last very long. He looked them up and down, and smiled. He was proud of these rats. OK, people, you know it all by now, he said. You dont need a long lecture from me. Just remember that this is a new town so we dont know what were going to find. Therere bound to be plenty of new types of traps, but we learn fast, dont we? Poisons, too. They might be using stuff weve never run across before, so be careful. Never rush, never run. We dont want to be like the first mouse, eh?

  No, Darktan, the rats chorused dutifully. I said, what mouse dont we want to be like? Darktan demanded. We dont want to be like the first mouse! shouted the rats. Right! What mouse do we want to be like?

  The second mouse, Darktan! said the rats, whod had this lesson dinned into them many times. Right! And why do we want to be like the second mouse?

  Because the second mouse gets the cheese, Darktan!

  Good! said Darktan. Inbrine will take squad two… Bestbefore? Youre promoted, you take squad three, and I hope youre as good as old Farmhouse was right up until the time she forgot how to disengage the trip-catch on a Snippet and Poison Ratsnapper Number 5. Over-confidence is our enemy! So if you see anything suspicious, any little trays you dont recognize, anything with wires and springs and stuff, you mark it a
nd send a runner to me-yes? A young rat was holding up its paw. Yes? Whats your name… miss?

  Er… Nourishing, sir, said the rat. Er… can I ask a question, sir?

  Are you new in this platoon, Nourishing? said Darktan. Yes, sir! Transferred out of the Light Widdlers, sir!

  Ah, they thought youd be good at trap disposal, did they? Nourishing looked uneasy, but there was no going back now. Er… not really, sir. They said I couldnt be any worse than I am at widdling, sir. There was general laughter from the ranks. How can a rat not be good at that? said Darktan. Its just so… so… so embarrassing, sir, said Nourishing. Darktan sighed to himself. All this new thinking was producing some strange things. He personally approved of the idea of the Right Place, but some of the ideas the kids were coming up with were… odd. All right, he said. What was your question, Nourishing?

  Er… you said the second mouse gets the cheese, sir?

  Thats right! Thats the squad motto, Nourishing. Remember it! It is your friend!

  Yes, sir. I will, sir. But… doesnt the first mouse get something, sir? Darktan stared at the young rat. He was slightly impressed that she stared back, instead of cringing. I can see youre going to be a valuable addition to the squad, Nourishing, he said. He raised his voice. Squad! What does the first mouse get? The roar of voices made dust fall down from the ceiling. The Trap!

  And dont you forget it, said Darktan. Take em out, Specialoffer. Ill be with you in a minute. A younger rat stepped forward, and faced the squads. Lets go, rats! Hut, hut, hut… The trap squads trotted away. Darktan walked over to Dangerous Beans. Thats got us started, he said. If we cant get the humans looking for a good rat-catcher by tomorrow, we dont know our business.

  We need to stay longer than that, said Peaches. Some of the ladies are going to have their babies.

  I said we dont know its safe here yet, said Darktan. Do you want to be the one to tell Big Savings? said Peaches, sweetly. Big Savings was the old head female, widely agreed to have a bite like a pick-axe and muscles like rock. She also had a short temper with males. Even Hamnpork kept out of her way when she was in a bad mood. Nature has to take its course, obviously, said Darktan, quickly. But we havent explored. There must be other rats here.

  Oh, the keekees all keep out of the way of us, said Peaches. That was true, Darktan had to agree. Ordinary rats did keep out of the way of the Changelings. Oh, there was some trouble sometimes, but the Changelings were big and healthy and could think their way through a fight. Dangerous Beans was unhappy about this but, as Hamnpork said, it was either us or them and when you got right down to it, it was a rat-eat-rat world… Im going to go and join my squad, said Darktan, still unnerved at the thought of confronting Big Savings. He moved closer. Whats up with Hamnpork?

  Hes… thinking about things, said Peaches. Thinking, said Darktan, blankly. Oh. Right. Well, Ive got traps to see to. Smell you later!

  What is the matter with Hamnpork? said Dangerous Beans, when he and Peaches were alone again. Hes getting old, said Peaches. He needs to rest a lot. And I think hes worried that Darktan or one of the others is going to challenge him.