The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents

by Terry Pratchett

Page 18

 

  Er… er… er… said Nourishing. Darktan took a deep, fiery breath. Think, you… miserable widdler!

  Er, er… its all rusty… er… Rust everywhere! Looks like… er… could be a… Breakback… There was a scratching noise behind Darktan. Yes! I gnawed the rust off! It says Nugent Brothers Breakback Mk. 1, sir! Darktan tried to think as the constant, dreadful pressure squeezed him further. Mk. 1? Ancient! Something out of the dawn of time! The oldest hed ever seen was an Improved Breakback Mk. 7! And all he had to help him was Nourishing, a complete drrtlt with four left feet. Can you… see how…? he began, but there were purple lights in front of his eyes now, a great tunnel of purple lights. He tried again, as he felt himself drift towards the lights. Can… you… see… how… the… spring… ?

  Its all rusted, sir! came the panicking voice. It looks like its a non-return action like on the Jenkins and Jenkins Big Snapper, sir, but it hasnt got the hook on the end! What does this bit do, sir? Sir? Sir? Darktan felt the pain go away. So this is how it happens, he thought dreamily. Too late now. Shell panic, and shell run. Thats what we do. When were in trouble, we bolt for the first hole. But it doesnt matter. It is just like a dream, after all. Nothing to worry about. Quite nice, really. Perhaps there really is a Big Rat Deep Under The Ground. Thatd be nice. He drifted happily, in the warm silence. There were bad things happening, but they were a long way off and they didnt matter any more… He thought he heard a sound behind him, like rats claws moving across a stone floor. Perhaps its Nourishing running away, part of him thought. But another part thought: perhaps it is the Bone Rat. The idea didnt frighten him. Nothing could frighten him here. Anything bad that could happen already had. He felt that if he turned his head, hed see something. But it was easier just to float in this big warm space. The purple light was darkening now, to a deep blue and, in the centre of the blue, a circle of black. It looked like a rat tunnel. And thats where he lives, thought Darktan. Thats the tunnel of the Big Rat. How simple it all is… A shining white dot appeared in the centre of the tunnel and got bigger quickly. And here he comes, thought Darktan. He must know a lot, the Big Rat. I wonder what hes going to tell me? The light grew bigger, and did indeed begin to look like a rat. How strange, thought Darktan, as the blue light faded into the black, to find its all true. Off we go, then, into the tunn- There was noise. It filled the world. And the terrible, terrible pain was back. And the Big Rat shouted, in the voice of Nourishing: I gnawed through the spring, sir! I gnawed through the spring! It was old and weak, sir! Probly why you werent cut in half, sir! Can you hear me, sir? Darktan? Sir? I gnawed right through the spring, sir! Are you still dead, sir? Sir? Rat-catcher 1 leapt out of his chair, his hands bunching into fists. At least, it started out as a leap. About halfway, it turned into a stagger. He sat down heavily, clutching at his stomach. Oh, no. Oh, no. I knew that tea tasted funny…he muttered. Rat-catcher 2 had gone a pale green. You nasty little- he began. And dont even think of attacking us, said Malicia. Otherwise youll never walk out of here. And we might get hurt and forget where we left the antidote. You havent got time to attack us. Rat-catcher 1 tried standing up again, but his legs didnt want to play. What poison was it? he muttered. By the smell of it, its the one the rats call Number Three, said Keith. It was in the bag labelled Killalot!!!

  The rats call it Number Three? said Rat-catcher 2. They know a lot about poison, said Keith. And they told you about this antidote, yeah? said Rat-catcher 2. Rat-catcher 1 glared at him. We heard them talk, Bill. In the pit, remember? He looked back at Keith, and shook his head. Nah, he said. You dont look like the kind of kid thatd poison a man to his face…

  How about me? said Malicia, leaning forward. She would! She would! said Rat-catcher 2, clutching at his colleagues arm. Shes weird, that one. Everyone says so! He clutched his stomach again, and leaned forward, groaning. You said something about an antidote, said Ratcatcher 1. But theres no antidote to Killalot!!!

  And I told you there is, said Keith. The rats found one. Rat-catcher 2 fell on his knees. Please, young sir! Have mercy! If not for me, please think of my dear wife and my

  four lovely children wholl be without their daddy!

  Youre not married, said Malicia. You dont have any children!

  I might want some one day!

  What happened to that rat you took away? said Keith. Dunno, sir. A rat in a hat come down out of the roof and grabbed it and flew away! Rat-catcher 2 burbled. And then another big rat come down into the pit, shouted at everyone, bit Jacko on the on the unutterables and jumped right out of the pit and did a runner!

  Sounds like your rats are all right, said Malicia. I havent finished, said Keith. You stole from everyone and blamed it on the rats, didnt you?

  Yes! Thats it! Yes! We did, we did!

  You killed the rats, said Maurice, quietly. Rat-catcher 1s head turned sharply. There was an edge to that voice that he recognized. Hed heard it at the pit. You got them there sometimes, high-rolling types with fancy waistcoats, who travelled through the mountains making a living by betting and sometimes making a killing by knives. They had a look to their eye and a tone to their voice. They were known as killing gentlemen. You didnt cross a killing gentleman. Yes, yes, thats right, we did! babbled Rat-catcher 2. Just go carefully there, Bill, said Rat-catcher 1, still eyeing Maurice. Why did you do it? said Keith. Rat-catcher 2 looked from his boss to Malicia and then to Keith, as if trying to decide who frightened him the most. Well, Ron said the rats ate stuff anyway, he said. So… he said if we got rid of all the rats and pinched the stuff ourselves, well, it wouldnt exactly be like stealing, would it? More like… re-arranging stuff. Theres a bloke Ron knows who comes up with a sailing barge in the middle of the night and pays us-

  That is a diabolical lie! snapped Rat-catcher 1, and then looked as if he was going to be sick. But you caught rats alive and crammed them into cages without food, Keith went on. They live on rat, those rats. Why did you do that? Rat-catcher 1 clutched at his stomach. I can feel things happening! he said. Thats just your imagination! snapped Keith. It is?

  Yes. Dont you know anything about the poisons you use? Your stomach wont start to melt for at least twenty minutes.

  Wow! said Malicia. And after that, said Keith, if you blow your nose, your brain will well, lets just say youll need a really big handkerchief.

  This is great! said Malicia, rummaging in her bag. Im going to take notes!

  And then, if you… just dont go to the lavatory, thats all. Dont ask why. Just dont. Itll all be over in an hour, except for the oozing. Malicia was scribbling fast. Will they go runny? she said. Very, said Keith, not taking his eyes off the men. This is inhuman! shrieked Rat-catcher 2. No, its very human, said Keith. Its extremely human. There isnt a beast in the world thatd do it to another living thing, but your poisons do it to rats every day. Now tell me about the rats in the cages. Sweat was pouring down the assistant rat-catchers face. He looked as if he, too, were caught in a trap. See, rat-catchers have always caught rats alive for the rat pits, he moaned. Its a perk. Nothing wrong with it! Always done it! So we had to keep up a supply, so we bred em. Had to! No harm in feeding em dead rats from the rat pits. Everyone knows rats eat rats, if you leave out the green wobbly bit! And then-

  Oh? Theres a then? said Keith, calmly. Ron said if we bred rats from the rats that survived in pit, you know, the ones that dodged the dogs, well, wed end up with bigger, better rats, see?

  Thats scientific, that is, said Rat-catcher 1. What would be the point of that? said Malicia. Well, miss, we-Ron said… we thought… I thought… we thought that… well, its not exactly cheating to put really tough rats in amongst the others, see, especially if the dog thats going in is a bit borderline. Wheres the harm in that? Gives us an edge, see, when it come to betting. I thought… he thought…

  You seem a bit confused about whose idea it was, said Keith. His, said the rat-catchers together. Mine, said a voice in Maurices head. He almost fell off his perch. What does not kill us makes
us strong, said the

  voice of Spider. The strongest breed. You mean, said Malicia, if they didnt have ratcatchers here theyd have fewer rats? She paused, head on one side. No, thats not right. It doesnt feel right. Theres something else. Something you havent told us. Those rats in those cages are… mad, insane… Id be too, Maurice thought, with this horrible voice in my head every hour of the day. Im going to throw up, said Rat-catcher 1. I am, Im going to-

  Dont, said Keith, watching Rat-catcher 2. You wont like it. Well, Mr Assistant Rat-catcher?

  Ask them whats in the other cellar, said Maurice. He said it fast; he could feel the voice of Spider try to stop his mouth moving even as the sentence came out. What is in the other cellar then? said Keith. Oh, just more stuff, old cages, stuff like that… said Rat-catcher 2. What else? said Maurice. Only the… only the… thats where… The ratcatchers mouth opened and shut. His eyes bulged. Cant say, he said. Er. Theres nothing. Yes, thats it. Theres nothing in there, just the old cages. Oh, and plague. Dont go in there cos theres plague. Thats why you shouldnt go in there, see? Cos of the plague.

  Hes lying, said Malicia. No antidote for him.

  I had to do it! Rat-catcher 2 moaned. Youve gotta do one to join the Guild!

  Thats a Guild secret! Rat-catcher 1 snapped at him. We dont give away Guild secrets He stopped, and clutched at his rumbling stomach. What was it you had to do? said Keith. Make a rat king! Rat-catcher 2 burst out. A rat king? said Keith sharply. Whats a rat king?

  I - I - I the man stuttered. Stop it, I - I - I dont want to- Tears ran down his face. We-I made a rat king Stop it, stop it… stop it…

  And its still alive? said Malicia. Keith turned to her in amazement. You know about these things? he said. Of course. Theres a lot of stories about them. Rat kings are deadly evil. They-

  Antidote, antidote, please, moaned Rat-catcher 2. My stomach feels like theres rats running round in it!

  You made a rat king, said Malicia. Oh, dear. Well, we left the antidote in that little cellar you locked us up in. I should hurry if I was you. Both of the men staggered to their feet. Rat-catcher 1 fell through the trapdoor. The other man landed on him. Swearing, moaning and, it had to be said, farting enormously, they made their way to the cellar. Dangerous Beans candle was still alight. Beside it was a fat twist of paper. The door was slammed behind the men. There was the sound of a piece of wood being wedged under it. Theres enough antidote for one person, said Keiths voice, muffled through the wood. But Im sure you can sort it out-in a humane sort of way. Darktan tried to get his breath back, but he thought hed never get it all, even if he breathed in for a year. There was a ring of pain all around his back and chest. Its amazing! said Nourishing. You were dead in the trap and now youre alive!

  Nourishing? said Darktan, carefully. Yes, sir?