Paige understood what he was saying. Moving forward despite the loss. You could fake it fairly well if you tried. When the ground gets ripped out from under you, you can make a show of getting back up, but inside you might still be there huddled in a ball on the ground.
"So things went on for years. I went through the motions. I don't know that many people noticed there was anything wrong. And maybe there wasn't. Maybe I had convinced myself that I actually was happy. I still didn't let people in, but..."
She nodded in understanding.
"I guess part of me had settled and come to accept that my life was basically how it was going to be. And then you...then Paige came into my life and everything changed. I was woken from a sleep I never knew I was in. The rest...well you've seen the journals."
Paige wanted to reach out and hug him. If she was truly like his Paige, then it was easy to see why they had bonded. She had many questions, but she was aware it was unfair of her to expect only him to be the one answering them and she still wasn't ready yet. Besides, she saw that a flight attendant was making her way down the aisle asking people to bring their seats into position for landing and could feel the plane dropping in altitude.
A moment later the pilot came back on the intercom and announced that the local time was ten thirty-seven, the temperature was fifty-six degrees and it was partly cloudy with a thirty percent chance of rain. Paige decided she would be optimistic. There was a seventy percent chance it wouldn't rain. She only wished the butterflies in her stomach would agree to be optimistic as well. The more the plane descended the more active they seemed to become.
CHAPTER FORTY-THREE
Not giving into the pain, maintaining a calm outward appearance was hard, but trying not to look her in the eyes, that was the hardest part. It hadn't been bad for the first twenty minutes or so. The injection site hurt a little, but after that he had felt completely normal. Well what passed as normal these days, which he was clear enough to know was a far cry from what anyone else would classify as normal. He'd continued to do what he had been doing for so long now, playing as much of what Julie had said to him over and over again in his mind. Playing her words in an endless loop was the only way he could hope to remember them. He was certain he had lost much of what she had said and he cursed himself for it, but he couldn't help it. He had to sleep, no matter how hard he tried sleep would eventually take him. And when sleep released him from its grip it always took some of her words from him. Important words, he was certain, but he was powerless to recall them.
Sarah was kneeling by him, saying something to him, but he refused to look at her. He could hear the frustrated sadness in her voice. He knew her as well as his brain would allow. She was constantly with him. She cared for him he knew. Not just in the physical sense that she was his caregiver. He believed she had come to care for him as a person. They had been together a long time, though he did not have a clue just how long that actually was. Time had stopped having any real sense of meaning for him long ago. It pained him to do so, but he ignored her words and focused on Julie's and sadly he couldn't even remember them correctly, but he knew what they had meant.
Paige was in trouble.
The pain was returning now, slowing building. He did his best to ignore it, to shift his focus.
He knew that Julie had started to lessen the dose of his medication. Was it daily? Weekly? Monthly? How often did she come? He wished he knew, but he didn't. He was certain she had started some time ago. She had told him that. That he did remember. She had actually given him precise details of just how much she was decreasing the drug, but he couldn't hold onto those details. Hell, he couldn't even remember what the drug was called. He was quite certain at one point he knew that information quite well. He was quite certain he knew a great many things at one time and prayed one day he would again.
Paige was in trouble.
Sarah reached out and touched his chin, turning his head to face her. He kept his gaze off to the side as much as possible, even though he knew it would distress her. He feared meeting her eyes. He was certain that if he did then she would see immediately that something was different. How she might view that, better or worse, he didn't know, but certainly she would see it.
Paige was in trouble.
"I know she loves you, Jason," Sarah said. "So very much. And it kills me to see the effect the visits have on her. But its the effect they have on you that bother me even more. I see the difference in you when she is here and I can't tell you how happy it makes me, but when she leaves you..." She stopped and took a slow breath in and out. "When she leaves you, you leave us a little bit more as well. I'm sorry, but I wish she would stop coming. Either that or that she would simply stay."
Paige was in trouble.
He felt her hands holding his and forced himself not to look.
"I honestly don't know how much more I can take this. We all get attached," she said. "It's impossible not to. But you aren't like the others. You are still so young. You are going to be with us for a very long time."
She knew it was wrong to be talking to him about this. Wrong and inappropriate. She didn't know how much he understood. No one did, especially with his case. His rapid progression through the stages of Alzheimer's was unprecedented. Her last client had lasted only three years, but then she had come to the facility at the age of eighty-eight. The one before that had lasted nearly four years and had come to them when he was ninety-three. Four to five years was the normal time for one of their clients to last. You were helping them through the final passage. You understood that and that made it easier. She wondered if the others had understood just how hard it would be with someone Jason's age. She saw how the other caregivers often looked at her and Jason with pity. She had always assumed the pity was meant for Jason, but now she wondered if it wasn't really meant for her.
Sarah was in trouble.
No that wasn't right. Paige, not Sarah. Right? Maybe both were in trouble? Maybe they were all in trouble. Pain raced down the nerve endings all over his body. He could feel the muscles in his legs trembling. He felt a throbbing in his head, as if someone were trying to pound their way out of his skull. He didn't know how much longer he could bear it in silence, but he knew he must. Whatever had been in that syringe of Julie's was like fire in his veins. He wanted to scream, to cry, part of him wanted to die. For the first time in as long as he could remember, which he admitted wasn't long, he actually wished for sleep. Wished for the freedom that sleep might grant him. But he held on, he endured.
Paige was in trouble.
Sarah was still talking, but the pain running through him was all he could focus on. He knew she was quite distressed and wished he could help her. Wished he could help himself. Wished he could help Julie and most of all Paige. But he couldn't, not now. Right now it was taking everything he had to endure in silence. Without realizing it he squeezed Sarah's hands. She fell quiet, but Jason was so lost in the pain he didn't even notice. Didn't notice her silence. Didn't notice the look she was giving him. Didn't feel her squeezing back and certainly didn't feel the tears that were rolling down his face.
Paige is in trouble. Julie is in trouble. Sarah is in trouble. I am in trouble. We are all in trouble. A great deal of trouble.
CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR
They collected Paige's luggage and then Nathan arranged for a rental car. They ended up with a silver Ford Taurus. Nathan stowed the two bags in the trunk and then joined Paige in the car. He noticed she was gripping the door handle tightly with her right hand. He was unsure what to say to put her at ease. It seemed too easy to say the wrong thing.
Paige looked over at him. He buckled himself in and then faced her and asked, "Okay?"
"Yes." She continued to look at him and then as the silence seemed to go on a bit too long she said, "What are we waiting for?"
"I need directions, Paige. I've never been here."
She laughed and seemed to relax a little, though her right hand remained on the door handle.
<
br /> "Really? I wouldn't have expected that."
"What?"
"That you'd never have come here. That your wife had never brought you here. I love it here," she said even as she fidgeted in her seat and her grip on the door handle tightened once more.
The words hit him and he frowned and nodded.
"Well we always meant to. I tried to get y...her to come many times, but something always seemed to come up." He frowned again. "I mean, it wasn't as if we were far away. Maybe three, three and a half hours."
"Where?"
"What?"
Paige smiled. "I never asked you where you were from. The journals didn't say either. Seems crazy that it never came up."
Nathan nodded. Seemed strange? No, not really. Their pasts had more or less been off limits since the start of all of this. He decided it was best not to comment on that. He thought he might actually have mentioned his home once, but wasn't sure.
"Connecticut. Fairfield Connecticut."
She nodded and was silent for a moment and then shook her head. He knew she was trying to remember if she had ever been there and had decided she hadn't.
"So," he said as he slid the key into the ignition. "I drive, you navigate."
He waited to see how she would respond. Would she see it as a challenge? Had he meant it to be one?
She looked out the window, away from Nathan. He couldn't tell what she was looking at, didn't think she was actually looking at anything. When she turned back she was smiling.
"Okay pilot. When you come out here," she said pointing. "We need to get on I-95 south. Not long after that we are going to exit and merge left onto RI-4 south. Then.."
"Whoa," Nathan said holding up his hands with a laugh. "One step at a time. Let's just get to I-95 first, then you can hit me with the next step. Deal?"
She laughed and nodded before again pointing the way out to the highway.
They road in relative quiet. The silence occasionally interrupted by Paige's directions. The scenery was gorgeous. Fall was upon New England and the foliage had shed its greens for varying shades of yellow, orange and red. Nathan kept sneaking glances at Paige from the corner of his eye. At times she seemed liked the woman he had known so well, a smile on her lips as she took in the wonder of nature's transformation. At other times he noted her gripping the door handle and shifting uncomfortably in her seat as if she were sitting on a tack. He didn't know what to think and feared anything he might say would be taken wrong so he held his tongue as best he could.
When they had crossed the Jamestown Bridge he noticed the frequency of her shifting increased. She had stopped holding onto the door handle and had taken up wringing her hands together. Nathan could tell she was completely unaware of her actions and had no desire to bring them to her attention. He thought for a moment and then made a decision. He wasn't sure if it was brilliant or stupid, but decided to go with his gut.
"Do you want to take over?"
"What?"
"We are getting close right?"
"Yeah, we will be coming up on the Newport Bridge soon," she said pointing at a sign proclaiming the Claiborne Pell Bridge was ahead. It was a toll bridge.
"Would it be easier if you drove into Newport, rather then give me directions?"
She seemed to think about it and then nodded.
Nathan slowed and pulled off to the side of the road. They switched places. Paige slid behind the wheel and buckled in. Nathan watched, worried that he had made a mistake, as her hand hovered over the shifter. She looked at him and then at her trembling hand and let out some nervous laughter. He wanted to say something reassuring, but his voice wouldn't come, so he simply nodded to her and gave her a tight smile. He guessed that was enough because she slipped the car into gear and pulled back onto the road.
A few minutes later she pulled to a stop as they joined a line of cars for one of the tollbooth gates. She looked at the sign and frowned.
"Four dollars?"
"Expensive bridge you got there," Nathan said and laughed. She laughed as well, but shook her head.
"I...I don't remember it being so much."
"Well you probably had an E-Z Pass so didn't notice," Nathan said pointing to the sign for the E-Z Pass gates.
"Yeah, maybe," she said, but didn't sound convinced. She inched her way forward as the car in front passed through the gate. Nathan fished some money out of his wallet and passed it to Paige who then passed it on to the woman in the tollbooth. Moments later they were through and began to ascend the bridge. A smile began to spread over Paige's face.
"It feels like I have been gone so long. Hard to believe it has only been a few weeks."
Nathan wasn't sure if she was talking to him or to herself, but he was happy to see the smile so he held back the real questions that sprang to mind.
"So what am I looking at here? Besides one hell of a gorgeous view."
The view was indeed spectacular. The thirty percent chance of rain was seeming less and less likely. The sun had pierced the clouds at least twenty minutes back and now reflected off the water below. Sailboats of all sizes could be seen on either side of the bridge.
"Well, we are now passing over Narragansett Bay," she began, doing her best to mimic a tour guide. Nathan couldn't help but smile. "Now off to the right side of the bridge you will notice a small island. That is Rose Island. There is a real working lighthouse there. People can actually go and be honorary lighthouse keepers, even staying over night."
"Have you ever done that?"
Paige giggled and shook her head no.
"Keeping on the right, you'll notice a larger island closer to the shore. That is Goat Island."
Nathan laughed. "You are making that up."
"No, it really is Goat Island."
"Why Goat Island?"
"Early settlers used it as a goat pasture."
"Seriously?"
Paige nodded.
"There is a fort there that has been around since like 1700 or so. There is or rather was a naval torpedo factory on the island. A lot has changed of course. There are now condos, hotels, a marina."
Nathan smiled, not just at the information, but the ease with which Paige delivered it. She seemed completely relaxed for the moment.
"Speaking of the Navy. Look over the left side of the bridge and you can see some of the Newport Navy Base, which is the home to the Naval War College. It's that really big white building at the point. I think anyway. I've never actually been on the base."
Nathan looked, saw the building she meant, or thought he did. The truth was he didn't care, she seemed happy and relaxed and for that he was thankful.
"So where now?" Paige asked as they neared the end of the bridge.
"Well I don't know. I know I need to get some more clothes, but I thought maybe we could get lunch or maybe we should check-in first."
"Check-in? Where?" He could see her relaxed state slipping away.
"A place called Bayside. I arranged for it when I was getting the rental car. If there is somewhere else you would like to stay..."
"No. That's probably fine. I just...I don't know, wasn't expecting it I guess."
Nathan didn't know what she had intended to say, but he didn't think that was it. He didn't press, mostly because she seemed to be drifting out of their lane.
He decided to try and redirect her and said, "Okay so what do you think then? Lunch?"
"Sure, sounds great." Her voice didn't match her words. The butterflies in her stomach were once again awake and active. She wondered if she'd be able to eat a thing.
"Wonderful. Well you know the area, so you pick anywhere you want."
She flashed him a strained smile. As they exited the bridge Nathan noticed the sign pointing right for downtown Newport and was not the least bit surprised when Paige went left.
CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE
Sarah left him sitting by the window. She had waited patiently for him to show any response to her questions. Any response at all. Words, another squee
ze, even a shift in his gaze, but after that initial squeeze there was nothing. She had gently wiped the tears from his face and waited for more, but again nothing more was forthcoming.
She wondered what she was missing. Had he been responding to her harsh words about Julie? Had he been trying to defend her? Had that squeeze and those tears been the only defense he could mount? She was ashamed to think it was possible. Had the first real interaction with him in a long time come from her disparaging words against the woman he loved?
She leaned against the front desk and put her head in her hands.
"Sarah?"
She looked up to see Doris coming down the stairs.
"Hey, Doris."
"Is anything wrong?" She looked from Doris over to Jason and back.
"Yes. No. I don't know. I think I might have...I don't know, hurt Jason."
Doris quickly crossed to Sarah, her eyes alarmed. "Does he need medical attention?"
"No," she said, shaking her head. "Poor choice of words I guess. I think I might have hurt his feelings or hurt his trust in me. I don't know."
"Why don't you tell me what happened?"
"It was Julie, Ms. Murphy's, visit."
Doris remained silent, waiting.
"You remember what I said earlier? How he tends to seem more withdrawn after her visits?"
"Yes, I remember."
"Well. I opened my big mouth."
"You didn't say that to her, did you?"
Sarah shook her head sharply. "No, no. Of course not." She dropped her head into her hands again. "I said it to him."
Doris' only response was, "Oh."
"Yeah. I don't even really remember exactly what I said. It is just that like I said, he seemed to withdraw after she left and I...I didn't think."
Doris reached out and patted Sarah on the arm.
"Don't beat yourself up. Who knows, I hate to say it, but in his state I am doubtful he even comprehended what you were saying."
"That's just it. I think he did understand."
Second Chances Page 17
