‘I’ll get it,’ he said, looking at me in a funny way – maybe he already knew he loved me too?
RESPOND TO WHAT IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING, NOT WHAT YOU WISH WAS HAPPENING
After lunch, I couldn’t bear it to end, and suggested we go for a walk on the Hill. It was so lovely. When we got to his car, I was hoping against hope that he was going to kiss me again but he just gave me a quick peck on the cheek and said, ‘Take care.’
I panicked. ‘Do you think we should see each other again?’ I blurted out.
Maybe it was a bit forward but THINK it was completely fine.
IT WASN’T
‘Sure,’ he smirked. ‘I was just waiting for you to run off screaming.’ Then he smiled his crinkly car-advert smile and got into the car.
He’s so funny!
DO NOT ALLOW HIM TO DISRUPT YOUR LIFE OR EQUILIBRIUM
Oh, look, this is hopeless. Cannot just lie in bed MASTURBATING all day when have a screenplay to write and children to care for.
Thursday 13 September 2012
DO NOT OBSESS OR FANTASIZE WHEN DRIVING
8.30 a.m. Hmmm. The thing is, when I said, ‘Do you think we should see each other again?’ he didn’t say, ‘No,’ he said, ‘Sure.’
So that means ‘Yes’, doesn’t it? But then why didn’t he say something about the next time when we said goodbye? Or why hasn’t he texted? GAAAH!
9.30 a.m. Rounded a bend to find a taxi had just stopped in front of me, completely selfishly, with no rhyme or reason whatsoever. Was huge line of cars behind me.
Pulled round the taxi, looking crossly at taxi driver. Then realized, as looked ahead, was yet another car steaming towards me, driven by man who was pointing and mouthing at me, ‘You go back. You. Go. Back!’ as if was idiot or similar.
‘Honestly, men drivers!’ I thought, doing a V-sign at the man. (Apart from Leatherjacketman who am certain is very respectful.) ‘Oh, oh, look at us! We’re alpha males! We’re just going to bear down on defenceless women, bullying them into reversing.’
‘Mummy,’ said Billy. ‘The taxi has stopped so that that other car can get round us.’
Suddenly realized what Billy meant. The oncoming car was ALREADY THERE and the taxi driver, who is after all an experienced roadsman, was not stopping to let the already-oncoming car come past. And now I was like the alpha female SUV driver (except not in SUV) who had swerved round the experienced roadsman taxi driver and tried to drive the oncoming car backwards like an angry snow-plough brandishing an Oxbridge First in PPE (except Third in English from Bangor).
Tried to mouth ‘Sorreee!’ while reversing backwards, but the man glared at me with exactly the same disbelieving ‘what-is-the-world-coming-to?’ expression that I myself am so accustomed to adopting during the morning school run.
‘Well!’ I said brightly once we’d rounded the corner. ‘What lessons have we got today, Billy? PE?’
‘Mummy.’
I looked round at him. The same eyes. The same tone when I’m being not altogether at my best.
‘What?’ I said.
‘Are you just saying that because you feel silly?’
Friday 14 September 2012
DO NOT ALLOW HIM TO MAKE YOU GENERALLY DISTRACTED AND CRAZY
Just made contact with Aspirational Bohemian Neighbour and was so distracted that completely fucked it up. Was just walking back from car when saw her going into the house wearing a woollen hat with several points with bobbles on the end, platform Doc Martens and a garment which looked like cross between a German officer’s coat from the Second World War and a crinoline with a frill at the bottom.
‘Hello,’ she suddenly said, ‘I’m Rebecca. Don’t you live across the road?’
‘Yes,’ I said delightedly, then launched into a nervous monologue: ‘Your children look like they might be the same age as mine? How old are they? What a nice hat! . . .’
It all went very well and ended with Rebecca saying, ‘Well, maybe knock on the door and come for a play date – doesn’t-the-very-word-make-you-want-to-shoot-yourself? – sometime.’
‘Hahaaha! It does. Yes,’ I said, miming embarrassingly, shooting my own head. ‘That would be cool. Byeee!’ Then crossed the road and went into the house thinking, ‘Yayy! We can be friends and maybe I could introduce her to Leatherjacketman and . . .’
‘Wait!’ Rebecca suddenly called.
I turned.
‘Isn’t that your daughter?’
Shit! Had completely forgotten I had Mabel with me. She was standing, bemused, outside Rebecca’s house, abandoned on the pavement.
NOTICE HOW HE MAKES YOU FEEL. SOMEWHERE AMIDST LIST – ‘HORNY’, ‘TAKING STOMACH MEDICINE DUE TO ANXIETY’ – THERE SHOULD BE THE WORD ‘HAPPY’
9.15 p.m. Still no text. Whole Leatherjacketman scenario is making me horribly anxious with a sick feeling in my stomach.
THE NUMBER ONE KEY DATING RULE
Saturday 15 September 2012
DO NOT TEXT WHEN DRUNK
8.15 p.m. YAYY! Telephone!
9 p.m. ‘Oh, hello, darling!’ – my mother – shit! Tailspinned, wondering if Leatherjacketman could still send a text while Mum was on the phone.
‘Bridget? Bridget? Are you still there? Have you decided about the cruise?’
‘Um, well, I think it might be a bit—’
‘I mean, most people from St Oswald’s will be with their grandchildren. It is a special time of year, when people do spend it with the grandchildren. Julie Enderbury and Michael are taking the whole family to Cape Verde.’
‘Well, what about Una’s grandchildren?’ I counterpointed.
‘It’s the in-laws’ turn.’
‘Right, right.’
In-laws. Admiral Darcy and Elaine are actually incredibly sweet with Billy and Mabel and manage to play it right by inviting them one at a time, to rather well-thought-out and short treat-like occasions. But I don’t think they could handle having us for Christmas. Even when Mark was alive he used to invite them to our big house in Holland Park, but he always got a cook to do the Christmas dinner, which he said was nothing to do with my cooking, but so that everyone could relax and enjoy being together. Oh, though. Why would they not ‘relax’, if I was cooking? Maybe it was to do with my cooking.
‘Bridget? Are you still there? I just don’t want you to be on your own,’ Mum said. ‘I mean, there’s still time to decide.’
‘Great! Then we can sort it out,’ I said. ‘Christmas is ages away.’
Now she’s gone off to her Aqua-Zumba. Wish Dad was here, to mitigate Mum and giggle with me about everything and hug me. Wish could get blind drunk on entire bottle of wine.
9.15 p.m. Ooh, just heard Chloe come in from her night out in Camden. She’s staying on the sofa bed so she can get to t’ai chi early tomorrow.
9.30 p.m. Think will have small glass of wine, now she is here, just to get spirits up.
ALERT! ALERT! DO NOT EVEN OPEN WINE WITHOUT WRAPPING PHONE UP IN NOTE SAYING ‘NO TEXTING’ AND PUTTING ON HIGH SHELF
9.45 p.m. Much better now. Will put music on. Maybe Queen’s ‘Play the Game’. Gay perspective is always good, esp. in musical form. Mmmm. Leatherjacketman. Wish he would text me then we could see each other and have sensual . . .
10 p.m. Maybe tiny nother glass of wine.
ALERT! ALERT!
10.05 p.m. Love Queen.
10.20 p.m. Mmm. Dancing . . .
‘This is your life!. . . Don’t play hard to get . . .’
10.20 p.m. You see, s true. ‘Love runs . . . pumping through my veeeeiiiiins!’ Love Letherjackiema. You an’t go ound getting bogged in defensiveness. Love is loike a stream.
DO NOT USE WORDS OF POP SONGS TO GUIDE BEHAVIOUR, ESPECIALLY WHEN DRUNK
10.21 p.m. Youse? Dfon’t polay hard to get. So why shunni text him . . .?
GAAAH! You see, this is the trouble with the modern world. If it was the days of letter-writing, I would never have even started to find a pen, a piece of paper, an envelope, a stamp,
and Leatherjacketman’s home address and gone outside at 11.30 p.m. with two children asleep in the house to find a postbox. A text is gone at the brush of a fingertip, like a nuclear bomb or Exocet missile.
10.35 p.m. Just pressssd d SEND. Issfineisn’ tit.
DO NOT TEXT WHEN DRUNK
CONTINUING DATING INCOMPETENCE
Sunday 16 September 2012
133lb (stuffing feelings).
‘No!’ said Talitha, sitting in my living room with Tom, me and Jude. ‘It is not “fine”.’
‘Why?’ I said, staring eerily at my text.
‘Well, number one, you’re clearly drunk,’ said Jude, looking up briefly from OkCupid.
‘Number two, it’s eleven thirty at night,’ said Tom. ‘Number three, you’ve already told him you’d like to see him again, so you’re sounding desperate.’
‘Number four, you used an exclamation mark,’ said Jude crisply.
‘And it’s emotionally inauthentic,’ said Tom. ‘It has the gushing, fraudulently breezy tone of a schoolgirl who’s persuaded the netball captain to sit next to her at lunch, and is trying to force her to be friends, whilst attempting to sound casual about it.’
‘And he didn’t reply,’ added Jude.
‘Have I ruined everything?’
‘Just leave it as the naivety of a newborn bunny amidst a pack of ravenous coyotes,’ said Tom.
Almost immediately the text pinged.
I looked at them with the expression of an anti-Iraq War demonstrator hearing that there were no weapons of mass destruction. Then I floated up onto a cloud – non-biochemical – of excitement.
‘“How’s your babysitting schedule?”’ I said, dancing around. ‘He’s so CONSIDERATE.’
‘He’s trying to get into your knickers,’ said Jude.
‘Don’t just stand there,’ said Tom excitedly. ‘Answer the text!’
I thought a bit, then texted:
came straight back.
‘He’s funny,’ said Tom. ‘And there’s just a hint of S&M. Which is nice.’
We all looked at each other happily. A triumph for one was a triumph for all.
‘Let’s open another bottle,’ said Jude, padding over to the fridge in her baggy onesie and big fluffy socks. She stopped to kiss me on the head on the way. ‘Well done, everyone, well done.’
ESCALATING DATING INCOMPETENCE
ON THE FIRST DATE – JUST GO ALONG WITH WHAT HE SUGGESTS
Wednesday 19 September 2012
134lb, pounds gained 1, dating rules broken 2.
9.15 p.m. Chloe can’t do Saturday night, and instead of putting my energy into finding someone else, have obsessed and fantasized so much about the dinner, and what am going to wear, and the way he will look up at me when I appear in the navy silk dress, that have not organized anything else. Gaah! Text from Leatherjacketman!
9.17 p.m. Argo? Argo? A movie is not a PROPER DATE! Argo is a guy movie! The navy silk dress would be overdressed at a movie. And anyway Chloe can’t do Saturday and . . .
9.20 p.m. Just sent:
DON’T MAKE IT ALL ABOUT THE BABYSITTER
9.21 p.m. Me:
10 p.m. Oh God, oh God. Leatherjacketman has not replied. Maybe he is out? With another woman?
11 p.m. Leatherjacketman:
11.05 p.m. Texted back
Sunday 23 September 2012
9.15 p.m. Agonizing. Leatherjacketman has ignored me all weekend. Has clearly gone off me. If was ever on me in first place.
10 p.m. Am going to try to get things going again.
DON’T PREARRANGE FIRST-TIME SEX
Monday 24 September 2012
136lb, pounds gained 2, texts from Leatherjacketman (possibly as result of pounds gained, even though has not seen yet) 0.
9.15 p.m. Leatherjacketman has not replied. Thinks am desperate slut.
Tuesday 25 September 2012
135lb, texts from Leatherjacketman 1 (bad).
11 a.m. Just got reply!
He hates me.
Saturday 29 September 2012
Number of times changed outfit for date 7, minutes late for date 25, positive thoughts during date 0, texts sent to Leatherjacketman 12, texts received from Leatherjacketman 2, Dating Rules broken 13, positive outcomes of entire experience 0.
BE ON TIME, REMEMBERING THAT THIS IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN CHANGING OUTFITS AND PUTTING ON MAKE-UP, RATHER LIKE WHEN CATCHING A PLANE
7 p.m. Spent so long putting on outfits and taking them off again, that minicab went away, has not come back and now I cannot find taxi in street. Have sent series of hysterical texts to which only reply has been:
8 p.m. In the Electric Bar. Ended up bringing car but was so late that have had to dump it in residents’ bay where am sure to get a ticket. Leatherjacketman is not here.
MAKE SURE YOU BOTH THINK YOU’RE GOING TO THE SAME PLACE AT THE SAME TIME
8.10 p.m. Oh, shit! Shit! He didn’t say the Electric. He said ENO.
8.15 p.m. Deranged now. Just sent him text saying have gone to wrong place and now have to run to ENO.
WHEN YOU ARRIVE, BE RELAXED AND SMILE, LIKE A GODDESS OF LIGHT AND CALM
Turned up at ENO forty minutes late to be confronted by a greeter lady who clearly thought I was a mad person who should be ushered out.
I realized I couldn’t either see Leatherjacketman or remember his real name.
Eventually located him, engrossed, horrifyingly, at a long table of cool advertising-style people, had to actually go over and touch his shoulder to get his attention, at which he tried to introduce me but obviously couldn’t remember my name either.
He tried to get me to join them. But the restaurant couldn’t fit in another chair, so we had to go to a table for two, with Leatherjacketman repeatedly glancing over at his sophisticated friends, clearly thinking how much more fun they were than me.
When leaving, the sophisticated friends invited us both on to a party, at which, thinking, ‘Nooooo!’ I said, ‘Yes! That would be great!’
I lost him immediately at the scary party, hid in the toilet.
DO NOT GET DRUNK OR OTHERWISE INTOXICATED
When I found him, he was smoking pot. I have not smoked pot for fifteen years and then it was two puffs, which made me so paranoid that I thought people were ignoring me when they were actually talking to me. Nevertheless gave in to Leatherjacketman’s friends’ peer pressure and had two drags on the joint. Immediately became completely stoned and paranoid.
Perhaps noticing this, he whispered, ‘Shall we go in here?’ gesturing at a closed door. Nodded mutely.
We were in a spare bedroom, covered in coats. He closed the door, pushed me against it, kissing my neck, sliding his hand up my skirt, murmuring, ‘Did you say your babysitter was staying over?’
Nodded mutely.
DO NOT TRY TO HAVE SEX BEFORE YOU’RE READY
Not only was I stoned, not only was I paranoid, but I hadn’t had sex for four and a half years and I was absolutely terrified. What if he thought I was revolting without my clothes on? What if I slept with him and he didn’t ring me again? What if I couldn’t remember how to do it?
‘Are you OK?’
DO NOT KEEP DISAPPEARING INTO THE TOILET FOR AGES OR HE WILL THINK YOU HAVE A DRUG OR DIGESTIVE PROBLEM
Nodded mutely, then managed, ‘I’ll just go to the loo.’
He looked at me strangely and sat back down on the bed.
When I reappeared he was still sitting on the bed. He got up and shut the door again and started kissing my neck again while sliding his hand back up my dress.
‘Shall we go to my place?’ he said.
I nodded mutely, just managing to get out, ‘But . . .’
DO NOT CONFUSE HIM
‘Look, if you don’t want to do this . . .’
‘No, no, I do, I do. But . . .’
YOU DECIDE WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE SEX, NOT HIM. DECIDE AND BE CLEAR ABOUT IT
‘You did say you had a babysitter overnight.’
DON’T CREATE PRESSURE
‘It’s just I haven’t slept with anyone for four and a half years.’
‘FOUR AND A HALF YEARS?? Jesus. No pressure.’
‘I know. It’s just, I’ve finally met someone I like.’
‘What??’
DON’T EXPRESS YOUR VULNERABILITIES. WAIT TILL THEY KNOW YOU WELL ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND
‘I mean, I’ve met you but I hardly know you, and what if you don’t like it when I’ve got no clothes on? And maybe I won’t be able to remember what to do, and I’m a widow, and I might think I’m being unfaithful and start crying and then have to wait for the phone to ring and you might not call!’
‘What about me? I’ve met someone I like too.’
ALWAYS BE CLASSY, NEVER BE CRAZY
‘Who?’ I said indignantly. ‘You’ve met someone else in the last two weeks? Who is she? How could you?’
‘I meant you. Look. Think of it from the guy’s point of view. Does she want me to call? Does she want to sleep with me?’
‘I know, I know, I do . . .’
‘Good, so . . .’ He started kissing me again. He was trying to pull me back on the bed now, with me sitting rather awkwardly on his thigh.
DON’T MAKE HIM FEEL CAGED
Bridget Jones: Mad About the Boy Page 9
