by Lisa Heaton
The night wore on and Isabel was eventually tired of the festivities. Since Colin had been noticeably distant, her only recourse had been to dance and pretend she was happy. More than with any of the nobles or dignitaries, Isabel had danced with the soldiers. Now, at this late hour, all she wanted was to retire for the evening.
“This has been a full day.”
Isabel found Colin had walked up behind her. She forced a smile. “It has.”
“Shall we say our goodbyes?”
Isabel nodded, looked at Colin, and then looked quickly away. He was no happier now than any other time she had seen him during the evening. The weight of marrying a woman he didn’t love was clearly settling upon him. She felt the same.
This wasn’t about Elias, though her mind was in turmoil over him as well. All evening she had dreaded this moment, the time when she would be alone with Colin. If he showed any semblance of happiness or excitement, she would feel differently. This man, however, was anything but happy.
When Colin left her at her door with his assurance that he would return, Isabel went in to change for bed. She felt sick, not at all excited as she had hoped to be.
Fina was gone and Isabel waited. When the door finally swung open, she swallowed hard as Colin approached her. He sat on the side of her bed and looked anywhere but actually at her.
She reached for her nightgown as she thought was expected, but Colin touched her hand.
“Leave it, please.” He leaned over and snuffed out the candle.
While he was with her, he was kind and asked if she was comfortable, but other than that spoke no tender words. He never kissed her.
Eventually, Colin moved from her and whispered, “Forgive me. I cannot stay.” Without even putting them on, he reached for his pants and left her room.
Isabel stared at the door, still in disbelief. She had yet to cry, even though he had passed through that closed door at least a half hour before. For some reason she thought he might return, that this was all some terrible misunderstanding. Even still, the closed door was a reminder that she would never be loved. Why did that realization surprise her? She had been warned.
Since her arrival, Colin’s treatment of her had caused her to think otherwise, not that he would love her necessarily, but at least that they would share a more personal marriage than what she had just experienced. Even if they weren’t to share a room, her expectation had been that they would at least share a bed when he came to her. It hadn’t crossed her mind that he would leave her the very second his duty was done.
Duty, the word echoed in her head until she finally began to cry. That was his duty for his kingdom and this was hers. To be used to give him a child and then be rejected was her duty, not to be a wife. At this fresh realization, she moved into the middle of the bed, drew herself into a tight ball, and wept throughout the hours of the night.
Isabel didn’t go to breakfast the following morning, choosing, instead, to eat in her room. Breakfast was the one meal where she and Colin dined alone, so she didn’t have the heart to sit across from him after what had transpired the night before.
Obviously aware that something hurtful had occurred during their wedding night, Fina was kind and understanding as she tried to encourage her to eat. Though appreciative of her concern, Isabel could hardly stand to have her present, so she asked that Fina take the breakfast tray and not return. To be alone was the only way she could deal with her ever-changing emotions. One minute she was hurt and crying, the next she was angry and regretting that she hadn’t asked Elias to take her home after all.
Just after Fina left, dressmakers arrived at the king’s insistence. He had sent word that morning that they should begin new gowns for their queen. They brought in swatches of fabric and boards with designs to choose from, and Isabel could only stare at them with a blank expression. After the night before, did he consider this as some sort of peace offering? Once she was measured, she assured the ladies that she had no preference over which design they chose for her, something which seemed to distress them.
Before they left she did have one request. With tear-filled eyes, she pulled the red satin gown from her wardrobe and traced her fingers over the stains scattered about the material. After being used as Elias’s blanket, it was a complete loss, or at least she had thought so until now.
“I would like a coverlet made from this material. It’s special to me, so I can’t allow it to go to waste.”
The two women studied the dress, and one said, “We will figure something out.”
***
Elias sat at his desk, his blood boiling one minute and his heart melting the next. Since neither king nor queen had left their rooms for meals that morning, he understood what that meant. The king had left Isabel after loving her – an unpardonable act. Now, she was alone and grieving the loss of her innocence to an uncaring man.
When his office door swung open and his sergeant entered apologizing for the interruption, Elias jumped to his feet when he saw a troubled Fina following along behind him.
“You may leave us,” Elias said.
Once alone, Fina drew near and whispered, “You must go to her. The king has destroyed her heart.”
“You know I can’t do that.”
“I know it’s dangerous and that you fear for your safety, but she needs you. She won’t eat and has done nothing but weep all morning.”
“I care nothing about my own safety. If I’m found with the queen, you know it will cast suspicion on her.”
“She has ridden out to the lake where it’s secluded. I’ll go along if that will make a difference.”
Fina was wringing her hands. “As much as I’ve tried to be of comfort to her, she won’t allow me. All day she has closed herself in her room until just a while ago.
“You can ride along the path through the forest and then cut back toward the lake. No one ever travels that route, so you should be safe.”
Elias had no option but to go.
When Elias left the cover of the forest he found Isabel sitting beside the water, knees drawn up to her chin and weeping. With no hesitation, he dismounted and went to her. The moment he sat and draped his arm over her shoulder, his beloved collapsed against his chest and cried even harder. For some time they sat this way with his holding her, whispering soft words of love to her.
Finally, Isabel lifted her head and wiped her face with her skirt. “Only next to the death of my family, that was the worst thing to have ever happened to me.” She leaned back into Elias and cried.
He sighed a heavy sigh. “This will be the worst.”
She looked at him. “How can you know that?”
“It was your first time, so you were scared and didn’t know what to expect. Now you will. You’re strong, Isabel. You will endure.”
When she said nothing for some time, Elias drew her closer. “There is no moment more tender than giving yourself to a man for the first time. Next time, there won’t be as many emotions attached to the act itself.”
“How could he be so cruel?”
“If I thought he was cruel, I would have never brought you to him. Or at the very least I would go and punch him in the nose for hurting you this way.”
“So you don’t consider it cruel that he left me afterward or that he never even kissed me?”
He winced at the thought of the king taking her virginity without kissing her. At the wedding ceremony, Elias had found himself standing at just the right angle to see that the kiss wasn’t as it should have been. He could see the disappointment on Isabel’s face the very second it happened. It was that same look that had stayed ever in his mind the night before when wondering if the king would remain with her after loving her.
“On the surface both acts seem cruel, but I think he was instead trying to endure as well.”
“He had to endure me?” Her question was loud and filled with resentment.
“Not endure you but endure the circumstance. That was his first time to be with another woman since his wife died. I
have no doubt he considered it a betrayal to her.”
Isabel said nothing.
Elias wiped her tears away with his fingertips. “Besides the fact that he loved her, he blames himself for her death. She had no desire for children, so after several years of marriage, Colin had to insist in order to protect the crown.”
“She died bearing that child?”
“Yes.” Elias closed his eyes, trying to unsee the bloody horror of that day. “It was one of the darkest days this kingdom has ever known. She was taken much too soon.”
“How could she not want children with him?”
“She was different from you.”
Elias was one of the few who thought less of their relationship since he was often privileged to know more than what was on the surface.
“Different how?”
“She was a vain and self-centered woman, rarely compassionate.”
“You shouldn’t speak ill of the dead.”
“Truth is truth. She refused to have a child because it would take attention away from her, specifically, the king’s attention.”
“How do you know this?”
“Servants talk. Among those nearest to her, it was well known. She wasn’t unkind, necessarily, but she was disliked by most who served her. Her fits of temper with the king were frequent, and her jealousy over him was a source of misery for him from early on. He wasn’t allowed to dance with another, and if he even glanced at any woman for more than a second, there would be screaming and yelling throughout the night.
“The king was a devoted husband, yet she distrusted him anyway. Their love was dark, especially hers for him.”
“I want to be understanding.”
“I’m not saying you don’t have a right to feel hurt. It was a terribly disrespectful thing that he did to you. I couldn’t sleep last night as I wondered.”
“So you knew he would do that?”
“I suspected.”
“And you didn’t warn me?”
“I hoped for a different outcome.”
She sat a moment, thinking. “So this may be the way it always is. He won’t stay with me afterward.” At that thought she began to cry again, large, rolling tears that wouldn’t seem to stop.
“I’m so sorry, Elias. The night must have been dreadful for you, too.” She wrapped her arms around his neck.
He shut his eyes tight. “We must all endure this.”
“I know I have a thousand blessings.”
He unwound her arms from his neck so that she would look at him. “A thousand blessings have no place today. This is a moment for sorrow. Allow yourself that.”
“How can I do this time after time?” Her question was broken by racking sobs.
Once again Isabel’s face was buried in his chest as he held to her to him. There was no moment in time when he had ever known such searing pain in his heart. How could he possibly encourage her to endure relations without love? The thought of her crying this way night after night caused tears to sting his eyes.
“Remember when we were both so ill and all we could do was hold to one another?”
He felt her nod.
“Think of what it felt like for me to wrap myself around you. Can you feel it now?”
“Yes, I remember it well.”
“When he leaves you, close your eyes and feel my arms wrapped around you; know that you are loved.”
He grasped her by the shoulders and moved her to look at him once more. Then he held out his hand and looked at his empty palm. “I want you to take this. I have no use for it without you.”
She could only smile. “You’re giving me your heart?”
“I am. It’s brave and strong, enough to get you through time after time.”
Isabel rested her palm on his and smiled up at him. “I will take great care with this.” She reminded him, “I need a new heart since I gave mine away for safekeeping.”
He grinned and patted his breast pocket. “I have it with me always.” He laced his fingers through hers. “Where will you keep mine?”
“I’ll tuck it under my pillow so no one discovers it.”
“That seems like a safe enough place.” He kissed the spray of freckles on her nose. “When you are hurting and alone, reach for my heart and know it is forever yours.”
“Do you promise?”
“On my very life, I do.”
Chapter 10
Upon her return, and as was her custom, Isabel put her horse away rather than handing him over to a stableman. She would brush this magnificent creature while he cooled down and whisper to him words of gratitude for carrying her away to a place of solitude. If ever she had needed an escape, it was that day.
After her talk with Elias, she was stronger, more able to endure. That was a word she now detested, endure, one that would ever define her life. Though it was once neither positive nor negative, now the word was a reminder that her marriage would be something to continually suffer through.
“Hard to believe this is the same willful animal who has twice thrown me.” Colin took a step closer. “I see he is under the same love spell as your many soldiers.”
Isabel said nothing in return.
“Please don’t hate me.”
Isabel didn’t turn and only kept tending to her horse. “I’m trying not to hate you. You’re not making it easy.”
“I would never hurt you intentionally. I know I did, and I’m terribly sorry. I can think of little else but how you must have felt.”
She stopped her task only long enough to sigh and then began brushing again.
Colin took the brush from her. “Will you take a walk with me?”
When she did dare to look up at him, she found true remorse in his eyes. “Colin…” she trailed off, fearing she might cry. Finally, remembering that she now had a strong and brave heart, she spoke her mind. “That was a despicable thing to do.”
“It was despicable, and you have every reason to be hurt and angry.” When she said nothing in response to that, he asked, “Will you please walk with me? There is something I would like to show you.”
Since he had grasped her hand and was pulling her along behind him, she followed him without speaking. Everything about him was changed in the light of a new day. The man who did something so hurtful the night before was gone. In his place was the Colin she had found herself in awe of before the wedding. He often smiled and continued to hold her hand as they walked along through the palace garden and toward a location that he would not tell her.
When they crested and came to stand on a small hill, Isabel could finally see what must be their destination. Off in the distance was a graveyard filled with stone crosses. That was his wife’s final resting place. They made the remainder of the journey in silence until they came to stand before her grave. There beside it was a smaller, unmarked cross.
“My heart is here with them.” He turned to look at her. “I wish I could give you more. Never would I withhold myself intentionally, but there’s nothing left of me, nothing of any value that didn’t die with them.”
The reality of his lost love settled upon Isabel in a fresh way. This was a man who had known deep and penetrating love, a love that was stripped from him in a moment that should have been the happiest of his life. Now all he had was a stone to visit with no arms to embrace him.
Isabel leaned into him, wrapped her arms around his waist, and rested her head on his chest.
“I will grieve with you. I can hardly imagine the pain of losing your wife and child.”
Colin wrapped his arms around her. “I promised her…” He choked up. “That I would never love another.”
He took her by the shoulders and moved her so that he could see her face. “I wish I could be what you deserve, but I can’t.” With a soft sigh, he moved in closer. “So I’m asking you, Isabel, to be my friend. Stand with me as my queen. Be a part of Kidian and of restoring the people’s faith and hope for a future. You are truly an exceptional woman, one I admire and respect.
Please don’t forget that. This isn’t a rejection of you. It’s that I am dead inside.”
Isabel looked down, knowing this was her place and her duty. Finally, when she looked back up at her king, she smiled and nodded. “Of course, I will stand with you.”
“And you will be my friend even after I’ve treated you so despicably?”
“I am honored to be your friend.”
***
In consideration of the royal couple’s recent marriage, there was no formal supper or entertainment that evening. Instead, Colin and Isabel shared a quiet meal alone. Because they were so compatible, he found conversation came easily. What he liked best about Isabel was her outlandish stories. Just as she had told of the storms and illness to a spellbound audience that first night, she told him stories of home and of her family. She had a way of making even the stalest of stories leave him hungry for more. Her eyes danced and her arms were ever moving as she told of her horse, Mighty, and how he had once saved her from a deadly snake.
With arms stretched wide, Isabel said, “It was at least twenty feet long.”
Colin chuckled, grasped both of her hands, and drew them in. “I think you may be stretching the truth a bit.”
With eyebrows arched, Isabel giggled back at him. “I never let the truth get in the way of a good story.”
She continued on with her story of how her horse trampled a small green snake while Colin listened in amusement. This queen of his was the most delightful woman he had ever known. The court was abuzz about her, women now jealous and men noticeably intoxicated by her beauty.
There was something about the moment that caused him to marvel at the turn of events in his life. What he had dreaded for years, the inevitability of marrying again, turned out to be something not at all so dreadful. If anything, he found he had a welcome new friend, one who amused him with her everything – her stories, her humor, her teasing, and especially her straightforward manner and her speaking her mind. All in all, if he had to choose her most admirable qualities so far, it would be her kindness and understanding. In truth, he found it difficult to believe that any woman would be as practical in their unusual situation.
