by Lisa Heaton
Once again she placed her hand on his. “Colin, you may touch our child anytime. I want you to be close to him now, while he grows.”
***
All the while, as Colin walked with her to her room, Isabel considered again asking the question that had been on her mind much of the day. If the conversation in the library hadn’t taken the turn it had, she would have asked him then.
“I’ve wanted to ask you something, but I fear it’s insensitive.”
“I don’t consider myself an overly sensitive man.”
She stood before her door and sighed a little. “I have wanted to ask your permission for Elias to hold my hand – as long as we are certain no one will see.”
Colin just stood there looking at her.
“Are you angry? I didn’t mean to upset you. It’s just that…” She realized how inappropriate her question had been. “I’m sorry, Colin. I shouldn’t have asked such a thing.”
“Honestly, I assumed he was already doing that.”
“No. You said if he touched me…” She smiled up at him. “Well, you know.”
He let out a low chuckle. “I meant in an intimate way, as in, touch you. You are a very literal woman, Isabel.”
“So, your answer is yes, then?”
“Yes, my answer is yes.”
Once Isabel was in her room, she sat near the fire, on the chaise that Colin had given her. She closed her eyes and remembered the moment when he had rested his hands on her belly. More than the tenderness of his touch, it was the expression on his face that most captured her heart in the moment – and still – and the fact that he longed to touch his baby. It caused a stirring deep within her, the desire for a more intact family.
But then by her door she was bothered that Colin so easily agreed that Elias could hold her hand. Deep down, she had suspected it would upset him, which was a ridiculous thought considering. Of course he didn’t care.
These were dangerous thoughts, so she did what was safe and turned her attention to Elias and the day to come. She could always depend on him to keep her mind off of the fact that her one sorrow remained.
Fina, on the other hand, had proven not so dependable. Isabel regretted that thought. Fina was absolutely dependable. That wasn’t the correct word at all. The fact that the word accommodating was more the actual truth caused Isabel to feel uncomfortable. Fina wasn’t at all accommodating to Isabel’s wants and desires, which, as Fina stated when given the opportunity, were precarious and imprudent wants and desires.
One night before bed, Fina was brushing Isabel’s hair without saying a word. Finally, after several awkward moments, she blurted out. “You can keep this up for only so long. Soon enough, everyone involved will be destroyed.”
Isabel made no response.
“Is it fair to a man who adores you to be at your beck and call only when it suits you? Is it fair to your husband that you are taking advantage of his guilt?”
Isabel stood from her dressing table. “That will be all, Fina.”
“You said you want me to be your friend…”
“Now, I’m saying that will be all. I will let you know if I need assistance in the future. Until then, I will ask that you not attend me.”
For several days the two spoke little. Eventually, Fina stepped into the queen’s room uninvited.
“I am here to attend you quietly, my queen.”
Tears formed in Isabel’s eyes. “Forgive me.”
“I will say no more.”
“You don’t need to. Thank you for caring for me.”
Still, even after that, as much as she was able, Isabel kept her distance from Fina. Not because of Elias, it was because of God. Isabel saw God in Fina’s everyday life, and that made Isabel feel more ill-at-ease about her feelings for Elias.
Isabel didn’t see how it was her fault that God had given her in marriage to a man who refused to love her. How could anyone, Fina especially, expect her to live a life without love?
Situated on a blanket beneath the midday sun, Isabel felt herself glowing in its rays. To be away from the stifling walls of the palace gave her new life. Early winter was upon them, but the season was so mild that creation didn’t know to hibernate. The water was high from recent rains, and there was a mugginess in the air that didn’t bother her one bit. She watched as a toad jumped from lily pad to lily pad, once missing its mark and plunging into the water. The sight made her giggle.
“You are in high spirits, I’m happy to see,” Elias said.
“I’m with you by the water. That’s always a reason for high spirits.”
“Are you looking forward to your cottage being complete, so that you may spend time by the sea?”
“I am. I will spend my early mornings there.”
Since she and Elias had the freedom to spend time together, Isabel had wondered what would become of Elias when she went to the cottage. Most likely Colin would accompany her there. Or, as she thought better of it, maybe not. Maybe she could think of a way for Elias to be at the cottage with her – for her safety, of course. She grinned at the thought.
All morning Isabel had tried to imagine what Elias’s reaction would be when she told him that Colin had given his approval for them to hold hands. Too excited to wait, she had nearly told him during the walk but decided to wait until they were seated so that she could see his expression. Her plan was to take his hand, and when he expressed concern at such a gesture, she would reveal her secret.
Prepared to act out her plan at that very moment, she looked down at Elias’s hand and was just about to reach for it. Instead of grasping it, though, she moved her hand to her stomach. Still looking at Elias’s hand, all she could envision was Colin’s hands the night before and how he so hesitantly reached out to touch his child. The tender emotion of her encounter with her husband flooded over her, and all she could wish for was another moment such as that. Elias’s hand holding hers could never replicate that feeling, one of family and belonging together.
“Something is the matter,” Elias said.
“No.” She blinked over and over to chase the scene from her mind. “Nothing is the matter.”
“Something is on your mind. I know you too well for you to deny it.”
Unable to process what had just happened, she decided it wasn’t the time or place to try.
“I wonder about them, Sybil and Eric.”
“I do, too.”
“She would be close to her time to deliver, if she hasn’t already.”
He nodded. “It should be any time now.”
Isabel stared out at the water. “I wonder if he loves her.” She turned to look at Elias. “What if he doesn’t love her?”
“That’s been your concern all along?”
“Of course. He was forced to walk away from his inheritance. What if he is bitter? What if he is unkind?”
“Not possible. I met the boy, and I can assure you, he would never be unkind to her.”
“I still wonder.”
“I know how we can find out.”
She smiled at his understanding. “Would you?”
“For you, absolutely. If it will settle your mind, I will gladly go check in on our young family.”
“That’s five days you will be away. Hurry while the weather is so fine.”
“I won’t waste one minute of time to return to you.”
“I wish I could travel with you so we could ride and laugh and tell stories as we did on the way to Kidian.”
“I wish you could, too.”
When she caught him looking at her stomach, her heart sank. How the sight must feel for him. Once, he had dared to admit how he wished he had stolen her away before she married. In that case she would now be his wife. This would be Elias’s child.
He was quiet a long time more and sat looking at her.
She said, “I’m so sorry. This must be terribly painful for you.”
“More than ever, I wish I were king.”
“Elias.”
She covered her mouth and began to cry at the look of sorrow in his eyes. This was a first for him. Though she had said those words many times, he never had.
“I’m sorry, Isabel. I shouldn’t have spoken my heart that way.”
“You have every right to speak your heart to me.”
“Not if it hurts you this way.”
“I’m sorry. This isn’t fair to you.”
“I would always choose this love over any other thing.”
Day one wasn’t so bad, but by day two, Isabel felt a peculiar sense of emptiness at Elias’s absence. It wasn’t what she thought she would feel – not actually missing him. Instead, she felt everything else all the more, all the thoughts and feelings she typically tried to drown in Elias’s presence. They bombarded her, and her well to draw from was particularly dry. Usually, when thoughts of Colin and their marriage surfaced, she drew on her thoughts and feelings for Elias to overcome any hurt that accompanied being an unloved wife. Or when Fina’s warnings came to mind, she did the same. Shutting out her real world was easy only when Elias was around to give her strength.
Today, sitting in the garden on her usual bench, she was overcome with feeling everything unpleasant.
“Am I disturbing you?”
Pleased to see that Colin had snuck up on her, she smiled at him. “No. Join me.”
She wasn’t at all surprised when he sat beside her and immediately rested his hand on her stomach.
“I guess I should ask, may I?”
“You always may.”
“That’s good to know since I’m rather intrusive.”
“You are not at all intrusive.”
She turned a little to see him better. “Why didn’t you tell me before that you wanted to touch my stomach?”
“I’m not sure what our rules are anymore.” He looked away. “I’m sorry you thought me uninterested. That was never the case, I assure you.”
“Rules?” She pondered the word even after she whispered it.
“Maybe rules isn’t the right word.” Colin sighed. “I don’t know what you want from me or don’t want. I’m your husband but not your husband. I’m your friend but only from the outskirts of your life. You’ve asked me not to touch you, so I haven’t. Now, I watch my child grow inside of you from afar while you fall more deeply in love with another man. And here I am feeling as if I’m invading your life when I approach you. This is all confusing to me. If you have any idea how we should navigate this life together properly, tell me.”
She sat looking at him, not sure what to say in response.
“Forgive me. I shouldn’t have said so much.” He stood to go until she reached for his arm and pulled him back down to sit.
“Colin,” she began but then hesitated. “I honestly don’t know, either.”
While alone with Elias, she was confronted with similar conflicting feelings. She was Colin’s wife but not his wife. His newly discovered devotion to his child had rattled her. The only hands she wanted to touch her were Colin’s. She was just as confused.
He wrapped his hand around hers. “Spend the day with me.”
“Today?” Her heart felt suddenly warm.
“Yes, today. I’ll escape court, and we will set out on a ride.”
Her eyes brightened. “A ride? I thought you didn’t want me to ride for fear of hurting the baby.”
“As long as I’m there to watch over you.”
“I can think of nothing better than to ride together.”
“I was hoping you would say that. Give me time to bow out of my next commitment. Will you meet me at the stables at half past the hour?”
“I will be there.”
Chapter 22
When Isabel approached the stable to meet Colin, she found him already there with only her horse ready. He had a bundle of what must be food that he was tying to the saddle.
“I haven’t been this excited in twenty years.”
He chuckled. “Twenty years? May I ask what was so exciting when you were one?”
“I began to walk. I have always loved my freedom.”
“I don’t doubt that.”
While she thought they were waiting for his horse, he hoisted her up onto hers.
“Now scoot up and make room.”
Even before she could move forward, he was in place behind her. “Scoot.”
Paralyzed by his nearness, for a few seconds she sat still before doing what he said. It had never crossed her mind that they would literally ride together.
“I feel better knowing I have hold of you.” He circled his arms around her and took the reins. “I won’t let you fall.”
Isabel paid no attention to the wind upon her face or scenery or her beautiful mare. All she could focus on was how Colin cradled her to him. He rode along, taking great care, dodging every rock and rut. There came a moment when she finally relaxed and allowed her body to lean back on him. When she did, she felt him give her a little squeeze, a gesture that warmed her even more than the blazing sun.
Once they arrived at their destination, the same place where they had once shared a picnic and an afternoon together that caused Isabel to blush still, he came to a stop and dismounted. As if handling a fragile vase, he took her into his arms and lowered her to the ground.
“There, safe and sound.”
She watched with pleasure, with her heart glowing while he spread the blanket and unpacked the bundle with care and prepared them each a plate. This was all so unexpected that Isabel wasn’t sure what to make of it. Had he considered how similar this day was to the one they had once shared here? Was this intentional? She dared not ask, but decided, instead, to simply enjoy their rare day away together.
For over an hour they ate and laughed and talked. This felt like the early days when they were first getting to know one another. He asked many questions, especially about Deslan and how the cottage was coming along. Since their separation, he hadn’t returned to the sea with her.
“You should come and see. The cottage is more than a cottage, thanks to you. It’s spectacular already, even unfinished.”
“Thanks to me?”
“Yes. I asked for a cottage and you have builders build a large home. A seaside cottage is only a cottage if it remains small and quaint.”
“I will have them tear it down and rebuild smaller.”
She laughed at that.
Colin turned serious. “I mean that. If it’s not what you want, I will have them begin again or build another smaller one nearby.”
“You won’t do anything of the sort. The home is beautiful. I’ve been working with the builder for months now. It’s mine, and I intend to keep it just as it is.”
“Good. But I would have.”
She nodded. “I don’t doubt it for a moment.”
Even as she finished speaking, she noticed how his eyes had traveled to her stomach, so she reached for his hand and placed it there.
“I wish you could feel what I feel, how he moves and tumbles.”
“I wish so, too. And I wish…”
His tender expression caused her to sigh with contentment. “What do you wish?”
“I want to see.”
Her eyes widened. “My bare stomach?”
“Yes.”
“In this chilly air?”
He nodded and smiled, his eyes glowing in anticipation. “I will warm you with my hands.”
For a few seconds she considered that. With all the layers of clothing and undergarments beneath, she tried to decide how that might be possible. Finally, she pulled up her skirt and began pulling some things up and some down until she was left with an exposed white belly. She lay on her back and smiled at him.
“Here he is – or she.”
He seemed mesmerized as he touched her. There was a dream-like quality about his expression that brought her such excitement. This little proof of their baby was something she saw each day. For Colin this was brand new.
He leaned over and began to kiss her stomach with li
ght little grazes of his lips. The night she had told him that she suspected she was pregnant, he had done this exact thing.
“Hello, baby.” He raised his head for only a second. “How could I have missed months of this?” With that said, he lowered his head and whispered, “It’s me, your papa. I can’t wait to meet you and hold you.”
When Isabel rested her hand on the back of his head, he moved to look at her. With obvious uncertainty, he leaned in close and hovered over her, his face just above hers.
“May I kiss you?” At even the slightest nod, he lowered his head and kissed her softly.
When he looked back at her, he said, “I know where your heart is, but you are my wife. I need you to be mine today.”
She needed him just as much and raised her head to meet him for a kiss. From that moment on there was no hesitation on either part. Just as they had once loved and given themselves to one another, they did so today, each was lost in longing and need. Months of separation was easily forgotten in the midst of kisses and gentle whispers.
The way Colin held her felt much different on the way back to the stables. Where before it felt protective, it now felt intimate. With one hand he held the reins and with the other, he lovingly hugged her to him. Both remained quieter than normal, riding in the afterglow of a perfect afternoon.
Colin was the first to break the silence. “For the life of me, I can’t imagine how I’ve kept myself from you for so long?”
Isabel said nothing in response to that.
“Please believe me when I say, that wasn’t my intention today. It never crossed my mind.” He chuckled. “Well, of course it crossed my mind that it happened there before, but not that it would happen again today.”
Again she was quiet.
“Have I upset you by saying that?”
“No, I’m not upset, but my response would have brought up our last time together, that dreadful morning. I felt it better to remain quiet.”
They rode in silence once again until Colin said, “I was upset that morning and hardly knew what I was saying. I didn’t mean it, that I would never come back.”
Isabel considered his words and how they reframed her interpretation of what transpired. “You seemed to mean it at the time.”
