I want to wrap my arms around your world, but can I?
“How could I know that I’d find someone so sweet, who possesses an innocence I never knew was possible?"
"I don't think it's a good thing," I said shyly.
"Yes it is," he argued.
"Like I said, I know it's my problem," I repeated. I'll work harder to understand you.”
What I didn't have the heart to tell him was that no matter how I tried, I didn't think I'd ever be comfortable. Sex without love wasn’t healthy to me. Everything about it was confusing. How could he be with women who had been part of his life and not feel anything?
As I looked into his eyes, I wondered if I saw a new fear creep inside of them. Was every fear I had also buried inside of Ryan and even reflected from my own eyes?
Would it really be possible to trust each other?
Deep down, I knew we wouldn’t make it because of my fears.
Deep down, I knew we wouldn’t make it because of his fears.
Deep down, I knew we wouldn’t make it because of the women who’d never stop coming.
Deep down, I knew I needed the life experiences he had or I'd never be able to handle dating him.
Deep down, I knew I couldn’t open up enough to give him what he wanted.
I wanted to be ready for love.
I wanted to love him.
Instead, the closer we became, the more frightened I was.
“I appreciate your effort to understand,” Ryan's voice rippled the quiet. “I want to understand you, too. It’s not that easy, is it?”
“No,” I agreed. “I know I’m not easy. That’s why—”
“Yes, I know, Nicky. I’m better off with a woman my age, in the spotlight, and by God she needs to be a model and have lived a little. Can we give that one a rest?”
“Okay.”
“Oh, my sweet woman,” his sigh seemed to be one of exhaustion as he pulled me close. “I miss you so much already."
"Won't it be a relief to get away from me?" I laughed nervously.
"Honey, you know I'd stay up all night talking with you," he kissed my forehead. "You’ll stay with me this time, won’t you? Emotionally, I mean? Promise me you’ll return my call when I leave a message.”
Before I could answer, he took possession of my lips. The elevator doors finally opened at the lobby level. He didn’t stop. Several residents waited for us to finish so they could step in. He just smiled as he pulled away from me.
“You’re a troublemaker,” I played with him.
“Uh-huh. I hope to make plenty of trouble for you.” His wicked tail whipped the air so quietly; I was the only one to feel its sting.
Chapter 39
“Ryan’s” Game
Ryan’s Mustang waited at curbside.
We said hello to Lark, the morning valet, and then rode to my house in silence. A million thoughts rushed through my mind and probably Ryan’s as well.
Mom and Dad were sitting at the kitchen table when we walked in my house. It was early enough that my father hadn’t started drinking yet—or if he had, the few “nips” he'd taken from his bottle hadn’t been enough to heavily medicate him.
“Good morning, sir,” Ryan shook my father’s hand. "Mrs. Young. How are you?"
“Fine, Ryan, thanks. What’s on tap today for you two?” Mom asked after she marked her book.
“I’m going to Ryan’s game today." I was excited and could hardly contain myself. “I'm going upstairs to change real quick. We went dune buggy riding at Pismo Beach last night! It was so much fun but I'm all sandy. Have you guys ever been?”
“Ryan’s game?” Dad ignored the story I was ready to share and Mom sat like a bystander, hitchhiking alongside some dysfunctional road. “I thought it was the Goliaths’ game.”
I looked at Ryan.
What did I tell you? I should’ve just come home in your shorts and T-shirt from last night. I would have gotten the same reaction.
“Ha-ha, Dad.” I tried to joke away his remarks. “I’ll be right back.” I kissed Ryan's cheek. “Don’t crucify him!" I shouted to both of my parents as I ran upstairs.
“Hey." I quietly opened Jenise’s bedroom door. She was on her phone. From the conversation, I knew it was with Sean. “How did you do from the other night?”
“Good,” she covered her phone. “Talk to you later.”
I went into my room and changed into a clean pair of sweats and a fresh T-shirt, grabbed my backpack, our jackets, and headed downstairs. Per my usual practice, I stayed back to observe Ryan with my parents. They seemed to be at ease.
“I’m ready," I said after assessing all of them together. I gave each of my parents a hug, trying to ease their fears and taking care of them in ways I didn’t understand—and in ways they didn't understand.
“Jerry called. Did you get back to him?” Dad made his comment purposefully to watch Ryan’s reaction.
“Not yet.” I turned to my boyfriend. He didn't flinch.
Just stop it, Dad. You have a moment of clarity because you haven't started drinking yet and you throw your sarcasm to a boy I'm trying to have a relationship with?
“You’re doing something with Jerry tonight, then?” Mom asked, tightening the noose around my neck.
Neither of you have been present when I've had to make difficult choices so why bother now? My friends were never good enough and now my boyfriend isn’t either. Just leave me alone.
“I don’t know if I'll do anything at all tonight, Mom. I’m pretty tired so . . . see you guys later.”
God, I just said I was tired and here I am going to watch a baseball game. Do I make sense to anyone?
Ryan said goodbye to them and wrapped his comforting arm around my shoulder. He opened the car door for me—a courtesy I was still getting used to. I hadn’t experienced it with anyone before him.
“More relaxed now?” he asked as we pulled away.
“Yeah, thanks for driving me home. Do I look any different?” I kidded. I’d only changed into a new pair of sweats and a T-shirt.
“You’re a riot,” Ryan laughed. “You look great, as usual.”
“That’s my line to you,” I giggled. “Thanks for saying that. So you caught all the sarcasm? That's what I mean by we communicate that way. Believe me when I tell you I'm sorry, I mean it. I'm not being flippant. It's just . . . years of bad habit. Please be patient as I try and overcome this crap with my family."
"I will."
"I’m so frustrated my parents asked about Jerry in front of you. I’m sorry. They did that on purpose.”
“Yeah," he nodded. "I know they did. Maybe it’s the only way they can show their concern.”
“It might seem like that," I looked out the window. "If you only knew.”
“Tell me, then,” he requested. “Make me understand.”
“Before I started seeing you there was never a word of advice for me. And I mean about boys or anything else going on. As long as I didn’t speak up, they assumed I was all right. If I did speak up, oh damn. The wicked sarcasm or rage I’d get . . . not right away, only when Dad got drunk or Mom got mad. They’d let their feelings simmer for days. It made the poison so much stronger.
"Every little detail they didn’t like came flying out as horrible anger or cruel sarcasm. And let me tell you, the way sarcasm comes out in my family? It’s not the funny kind. It’s mean, mean, and mean. The only purpose is to cut you into pieces so you’ll know your place is in the shadows. They don’t want anything they do to be questioned. Well you know what?"
"What baby?" His hand massaged the nape of my neck.
"I’m done keeping my mouth shut. I wish Dad would keep his opinions to himself. Suddenly, he has something to say about a boy I’m dating? Does he really think that after all these years of being absent from my life he has the right? And even more ridiculous, he thinks I’d actually listen to him? Even though . . . ” I trailed off. “ . . . I do listen.”
“Still,” Ryan linked his fingers
in mine. “I’d love to have my father around so I could argue with him.” He squeezed my hand and then let go, tightening his grip on the steering wheel.
Idiot! You're complaining and he lost his father!
“Oh, God. I’m sorry.” I rubbed his arm. “That was insensitive of me. I’m sorry, I said that.”
“It’s okay.”
“Here’s your jacket,” I took it out from underneath mine.
“I thought you were leaving it by your front door for me,” he winked and then flashed his little boy smile.
“Yeah. I said that but I never did,” I admitted. “When I thought it over I understood it was wrong.”
“Nicky, there are only a few weeks left this summer before you start college."
"Yeah. I was looking forward to it and now I want time to slow down."
"If you want to meet me on our road trip I’ll take care of everything—plane tickets, hotel room, and food. Bring Jenise if that makes you feel more comfortable. Time is running out and I’d love to show you and your sister around.”
“I want to, but . . ." I fiddled with the door lock.
“What?" he encouraged. "Tell me what’s on your mind.”
"We might alienate my parents,” I said cautiously. “I know it’s weird to hear a woman you’re interested in say that. And I just talked about saying what I want, but . . . you know, maybe . . ."
"Keep going.”
“No, I agreed I’d drop my ‘someone more appropriate’ line. The thing is, even though I know you’re better off, you know, I can’t say it because we agreed, but, even though you would be, I don’t want you have someone better. It’s just, if we’re going to work, I don’t want my parents to root against us. I want them to love the man I . . . um, the man I have feelings for.”
“You have feelings for me?” he asked with his shit-ass grin.
“Yes. Don't tease me. I'm trying.”
“You’re right. We want your parents in our corner. It’s not a downer. You’re very grounded like that."
"Grounded or not, you may not like me once you get to know me. You’ve got this vision in your head of who I am, but I don’t know if I’ll be a good girlfriend since I've never been one before. And being exclusive at my age is a lot to expect. I can close down and lock the door pretty quickly. I've been known to cut people off without giving them a fair chance because, well, I’m afraid of being left alone. It’s a contradiction. I get that it is. I do it before they can do it to me.”
“I’ve already been cut off and came back for more,” he reminded.
"I'm sorry for doing that and—geez. How many times have I apologized today?" I squeezed his thigh, feeling badly about how I’d treated him. "It seems that's all we do is apologize to each other. I have some growing up to do when it comes to being with you—obviously. I'm working on it."
He pulled over, put the car in park, and turned to face me.
“Nicky, you have a good heart and I do, too. I get your fears. Believe me, I do. Work away on your apologies or don't, I’m afraid you’re stuck with me.”
“Well, that’ll be a tough call of duty. How will I ever stand it?”
“That's your problem because I'm not going anywhere. I’ll work hard to make you feel secure." He ran his hand down my arm. "I'm waiting for the day you rush into my arms and say out loud, unafraid, you love me."
"It's coming." I traced the shell of his ear. "You make me feel so secure. In many ways it feels like we've been together for months and months."
“I want you to want me in your life in every way.”
“I already want that, Ryan.”
He brought my hand to his mouth and kissed it. As if having renewed enthusiasm, he pulled away from the curb and continued on to the ballpark.
“I reserved a seat for you to the right of the dugout right at the railing. I know you don’t like sitting there but I need to be near you today. Maybe Alex or Tara will be there.”
I hope not. They have their suspicions, but I haven’t told them I’ve fallen in love yet. I don’t want them to see me.
We pulled into the players’ lot. As we got out of the car, Kevin passed us.
“Ooh, Nicky,” Kevin scolded.
“What did I do now?” I was afraid to hear the answer.
“Did you come straight from Ryan’s place?”
“Yes. Uh, no, no, we didn’t. We came from my place, but . . .”
“Which is it, Nick?”
“It’s not like that, Kevin.” I caught on.
“No? What’s it like? You happened to come to the ballpark together because you went home last night? Tell me, Nick.”
“Dude,” Ryan scolded. “Shut up.”
Kevin walked away waving his finger back and forth at us like we’d been naughty.
Well, we were naughty, but he doesn't need to know. I wonder if Ryan would tell Kevin he touched me intimately last night? Do guys gossip like girls do?
“I can’t decide about him," I pondered out loud. “He was so nice the other night, now I don’t know. Just like Henry.”
“Kevin is teasing you." Ryan's response was firm and self-assured. "I’ll talk to him inside. Here’s your ticket. Would you like an escort, Ms. Young? I can walk you through the dugout to your seat."
"Yuck. No," I shook my head. "I don't want to see a bunch of guys in the dugout doing their disgusting stuff. Hey, Ryan?”
He turned and waited for me to say what was on my mind.
“I care deeply for you.” I stopped short of saying the words I knew he wanted to hear from me. “I'm asking you to have some patience. Can you?”
“I promise, I will.”
“Even though I’m sure you’ll get weary of all my insecurities I’m going to give things a go with just you. If you do get tired of battling, please be honest and tell me. Just . . .”
“What, Nicky?” A boyish smile teased me.
“Please don’t sleep around on me,” I begged. “If you want someone else I’ll bow out immediately. Don’t use me while you’re seeing her, too. I’ll understand if you don’t want someone like me who wants a career and doesn’t have to get comfortable with herself. It's . . . please don’t put me in your clothes box. I don't want us to end up there."
He looked down to the ground and then in my eyes again.
“Believe me when I say I didn’t think about it the same way that you do," he pleaded his case. "I’m sorry to have been so callous. You're more sensitive than anyone I've ever known.”
“Sometimes I feel like everything is an issue,” I nodded.
“I love that you’re sensitive but it takes me time to adjust." He closed the trunk of his car. "I’ve never been with anyone, man or woman, who analyzes and twists everything around and looks at it from so many angles. If I tell you something, will you believe that I'm being honest?”
"About?"
“There is no way in hell you’re in the clothes box or a sigh in an elevator. I know exactly what drew me to you. I remember every item of clothing you’ve worn, the way you walk, lift your chin, the way you style your hair . . . especially the look in your eyes. When it comes to you, I see you. I’ve always seen you. I notice and want you in every way. Remember, I fell in love with you while you were wearing your sweats, baby.”
Holy God. He’s like . . . ooh he's lovely.
“This is new for both of us." I tugged on his jacket, pretending to take it back. “Am I the most difficult person you know?"
“Just about,” he tugged back. “You’re hesitant and desperate to hold on to the things that make you feel safe—I get it. I know we’re meant to be. Would you let me give you a big, luscious kiss in front of everyone? A kiss so hard and deep that makes my heart pound with the dreams I have for us?”
“I don’t want to put the cheer team in danger.” I placed my hand on his chest.
“Kiss me." He took me into his arms. "Throw it all up in the air and let’s see where the pieces fall. Take a chance.”
“It’s not
just me who would be penalized if the wrong person saw us. I could get my teammates in trouble and lose our letters of recommendation.” I kept hugging him. “I will soon.”
“Mm-hmm . . . soon.” His voice drifted off.
Our hands held on as long as they could, until, reluctantly, the last of our fingertips let go.
I didn’t turn around to watch him walk inside the clubhouse.
Instead, I turned and walked out of the player's lot, dreading our goodbye.
Chapter 40
Split In Two
It was a little after ten and too early for the gates at the ballpark to open. I decided to order an omelet from the Java House. Sitting at the pier across from the bay gate while I ate it, I also caught up in my journal.
Getting lost and losing track of time, I heard James yell my name. I knew that meant at least an hour had passed. I waved, packed my notebook away and went to talk with him.
“I thought this was a day off for you, young lady,” James said, searching the bags of the first few fans waiting in line.
“Can’t get enough of my favorite baseball team,” I smiled. “Guess what?" I waved my ticket in the air. "I’ve got my own ticket.”
“That’s a switch. Damn, I’m tired of hookin’ you up," he teased. "Hey, what was up with your girl, Colleen, the other night? The way she grabbed the plaque—you should’ve had that as the captain.”
“I don’t know what her issue was,” I shrugged my shoulders. “Maybe she just needed an ego boost. Once in a while we all lose our confidence. It bothered me, but now it's no big deal.”
“Ready to come in? Or you spendin' time by the bay?" he nodded to the pier where I'd been sitting.
"I'll come in." I thanked him and walked inside. I grabbed a bottle of water, settled in my seat, and quickly began writing in my journal, once again immersing myself into a world of description and metaphor, trying to figure out my next move.
When I finally looked up the ballpark was crowded. Both teams were off the field, in their respective clubhouses making final preparations for the game.
Jagged Heart (Broken Bottles Series Book 3) Page 26
