by C. Litka
Chapter 29: Last Word (Really)
Saturday 14 December
The term is finished. Work, for now, is done. Professor Vallier had a fine baby girl three days ago, and has decided to take a sabbatical until next fall, so I've been offered the position for the next term. I believe I've fit comfortably into the department and I've hopes – though only hopes at this time – of being appointed an assistant professor next year. We've had informal discussions about courses I might teach, and research I might do, but all that is up in the air. Still, the future holds promise.
I was absently contemplating this promise as I lounged in bed at 9:17 on this gloomy winter's morning when my watson rang on the side table. I picked it up glancing at the caller. And then stared at it, frozen in place. Nesta Mackenzie. It rang several more times before I broke free of the spell and answered it.
'Hello Nesta,' I managed to say. 'This is a wonderful surprise.'
'Did I wake you up Say?' she asked. 'I suppose I'm sorry if I did, but it is after nine.'
'No. I was awake. I was merely caught off guard seeing it was you calling. Shocked, but delighted.' Which was true enough. Scared too. My heart was racing.
'Honestly? Because if you'd rather not talk, we can just forget this...'
'I'm truly delighted. I've missed your company. But, of course, I rather felt it wasn't wise to get in touch quite yet. Too soon for me, anyway.'
'Is it too soon?' she asked after a pause.
'No, not at all, really,' I didn't know what I was saying, but I wasn't going to let her hang up...
'If you're sure...'
'I am.'
'I thought since it was the social season when people reach out to old friends, I'd just give you a call to see how you were doing. And well. I don't know what type of hours your post doc requires, but I thought you might have more time after the term ended. And. We haven't talked. And I wanted to. Well. Talk,' The long pauses between her words and sentences as she thought was typical, but I'd grown used to them. However, with not seeing her, the pauses, as she sought to find the words were, well, just as I'd imagined talking on the phone with her would be like.
I laughed.
'What's so funny?' she asked.
'Oh, nothing really. It's just good to hear you again. Except that on the phone all those great hunks of white space between your sentences makes it hard to know if you're still on the line. It's just how I envisioned it,' I replied. 'But yes, please, let's talk. How are you Doc? I hope you're well. I'd imagine your practice keeps you very busy these days.'
'I'm fine, and it does,' she replied.
I waited for more, but gave up and asked, 'And how's Renny? I imagine he's as busy as always as well.'
'Renny is fine and is very busy as well. He keeps on the move.'
I waited for more. Gave up again. For a girl who called to talk, she was doing very little of it. I asked, 'Does he get home often? It must be hard on both of you.'
'Sandy, that's why I called. Now. Maybe I should have done so earlier. But, you see, I didn't want you involved. Though of course you were. But still, I thought it best to keep you clear of it all. Until things settled down a bit.' She went silent again.
'My head's spinning, Nesta,' I said. 'Involve me in what?'
'Well, we, Renny and I, called off our wedding. Called the whole engagement off. He came up to Glen Lonon from India the Wednesday after you left and we talked... And well, I didn't want you involved in the whole mess.''
My heart skipped a beat. Or two. 'You did? Really?' I managed to ask, biting back a “Why?” Nor did I dare ask why I was involved and why she didn't want me to be.
'Yes,' she said simply.
'What happened? I can't imagine it went down well with your father, or Renny's. And how did Renny take this change of plans? Sorry, I'm babbling.'
'Here's the story,' she said, and then, of course, let it hang for fifteen seconds as she arranged it in her head.
'Renny arrived in Glen Lonon the Wednesday after you left. He met me at the clinic and we drove to Inverness for dinner. He said he'd arrived at an important decision that we needed to discuss. I told him that I had too, so we pulled over along the road to talk rather than wait to after dinner. He claimed the right to speak first.
'He said that for several months he'd been spending time with a new friend, a nice, sweet girl reading fine art at the uni in Oxford. Nothing serious, he thought. Not even lovers. But as he thought about us getting married, he realized that they'd been spending a lot more time together than he had realized, and he'd, without actually putting it into words, fallen in love with her. He only came to realize this after I'd surprised him with my decision to get married on such short notice. Up to then it had been too distant a possibility to concern himself with. But when I proposed the date after two years of being engaged, what could he say but “Yes”? Afterwards, while he was on his way to India, and while he was there, his feelings about Clare, that's her name, Clare Marlowe, came into sharp focus, and he realized he could not marry me, even with the understanding that we were just doing it to please our parents, and even if we looked on it as a more or less a trial arrangement. He'd feel false and unhappy for betraying both Clare and me, and well, himself as well. So he had come to break our engagement off, even at the risk of getting sacked from the family firm. Given how he felt about Clare, he had to do it, he said. He couldn't make us both unhappy, even for his promise to my mother or his job with his family firm.
'I then told him not to worry. I'd come to the same conclusion, myself. I realized that I could not change how I felt about him, he was and will always be my annoying little brother. And that I didn't think we were well suited for each other either. And that marrying him, would not stop our parents from pressuring us, it would just change their focus from marriage to having a baby, and I wasn't prepared to have a baby just to please them at this point in my life. And that I wasn't going to give up my career for him and wouldn't want him to give up his, so that we'd hardly be married at all. And so when it came down to it, I didn't want to marry him and that setting that date was a huge mistake...'
'He teased me about that. It was the one thing I've ever done impulsively, and look how it turned out...
'So, finding that we both didn't want to go through with the wedding, or the engagement, we were both greatly relieved and continued on our way, discussing our plans over dinner on how we were going to break the news to our parents, and my sister. Renny insisted that he was going to tell them what he saw as the whole truth, he fell in love with someone else and was backing out of the wedding and breaking off the engagement. I told him not to be foolish. I'd do all the backing out of and breaking off. Unlike him, I'd nothing to lose. There was no point endangering his career, especially since I'd intended to break everything off myself in any event. I had to use my big sister authority to finally get him to agree to this.
'When we arrived home, we cornered our fathers in the study and I broke the news that I was calling everything off. You can imagine how that went.'
'Aye. The destruction of the Rhymer's Gate pales in comparison.'
'Exactly. Of course you were immediately cast as the villain in the affair and were damned to hell...
'A low-bred worm. Not to be trusted...' I put in, thinking back.
'Aye. And many other things as well. Though I was treated no better. Renny, of course, ignored our agreement and jumped into the fray, telling them that he was in love with someone else and was breaking it off himself, damn the consequences. It turned into a pretty grim scene, Renny and I back to back fending off the two old fire-breathing dragons, whose dearest plans we'd dashed to small pieces. But as Renny pointed out, if they couldn't trust each other, that was their problem, not our problem. We had our own lives to live. And when they brought up my mother, he said that he knew Aunt Emily well enough to know that what she wanted most of all was for us – Renny and I – to be happy. She thought we could be happy together, but that isn't to be. She li
ved her life and made her choices, and we had that right too. He was a shining knight if ever there was one. He'll make a fine husband for Clare, if she has any sense, which I think she does, and he'll still be an annoying little brother for me...' she paused.
'The thing is, Sandy. That not only did father blame you for breaking Renny and I up, but so did Flora, bitterly. There was, well, perhaps some truth in that, but it was hardly the whole story. I'd decided that I needed to make a stand. Renny was right. My mother wanted me to be happy and if marrying Renny wouldn't lead to that, I was freed of my promise...
'I could have told you about this earlier, but I felt that if I could keep you clear of all the anger and name calling, they might come to see...'
'That I wasn't a worm?' I suggested in the long pause.
'Well, I'd not go that far. I'd hoped that they might see that we were not the lovers both father and Flora accused us of being. We were not lovers, Sandy, but to fly to you in the midst of all this trouble would only make them more certain in their beliefs and make it harder for both you. And me. To be. Friends. So I thought I'd call. See if we were still friends. And if you'd consider occasionally talking like this and perhaps getting together some time when we both have time.'
As she was speaking, and pausing I was thinking fast and furious about all the implications, and not getting far. Renny was the least of the reasons I left with my feelings for her unsaid. Had anything else changed? Could I make her happy? Reading between her pauses, I think that she was at least open to the idea of exploring more than a friendship, so that two of the three big barriers had been removed. That left Lord Learmonte, and well the whole family thing, and the class thing, and the money thing...
'Sandy, are you still there?' she asked breaking into my whirling thoughts.
She must have been expecting an answer in one of those last long pauses.
I laughed. 'Sorry, I was thinking before I said yes.'
'About being my friend?'
'About making you happy,' I replied, and then decided. Well, there never was any doubt, really what I'd say. 'You know, Nesta, last summer I came to... well, see you more than just a friend. But I'd given my word. Of course, there were a whole bunch of other reasons why I couldn't be more back then. Some of those reasons still seem to exist... None, of course, prevent me from being your friend. But I find I'd still like to be more than just a friend. Not that you need to commit to anything, of course. But I think you should know what I'm feeling... So if you're still willing, knowing that, then I'd love to get together with you...'
'Yes.' she said after a while.
It was rather unclear what that was the answer to, but my heart skipped a beat anyway. I continued, 'Great. I'd really like to see you again. I've missed you.'
'I'd like to see you too,' she said. 'I don't get many days off, but perhaps we can find a weekend some time.'
'Are you in Glasgow?'
'Yes, of course. Why?'
'Are you free today for lunch?' I asked.
A long pause, 'Today?'
'Yes. Set a time and a place where we can meet. I happen to be free and I can't wait,' I said.
'How? Where are you?'
'In Glasgow,' I replied. 'Long story. I'll save it for lunch.'
'Why are you here?'
'I work here, Nesta. I've actually been here for the last several months,' I admitted and crossed my fingers.
'You've been here all this time? And didn't tell me?'
'Yes. You understand that feeling the way I do about you, looking up Doctor Nesta Lonsdale was not something that I was foolish enough to do no matter how much I missed your company. No, not for a year or maybe more. I'm known to carry a torch for years. Knowing you were close, wondering if I'd run across you on some street corner, was both a dream and a nightmare. Luckily I've been kept very busy so that I've not had too much time to either brood or be out and about...'
'But why are you here? I thought your post doc was in Cambridge.'
'It was, but funding dried up. With Red's help I landed a temporary assistant professorship at the University of Glasgow's New Technology Department.'
Long silence.
'So you'll be here...'
'At least until spring. And I hope that makes you as happy as it makes me.'
Long pause.
'We'll see about that...'
'Starting with lunch today?'
'Yes.'
'Grand. Name your place and time.'
I carefully set the watson down and waited to wake up. And when I didn't, when I had no choice but to believe I was awake and Nesta Mackenzie – Mackenzie, mind you – had just called me. Called me. I all but leapt out of bed and stalked to my window to look out on the city. The city was grey under low clouds and in a frosty mist. It was a wonderful city on a wonderful morning. I washed up, made myself a cup of tea, picked up and straightened out my uni-provided flat, on the off chance, and then paced my tiny sitting room trying to keep all those reasons why it wouldn't work from spoiling this wonderful day. They chased me out into the frosty morning and stalked me as I walked around about way to the deli she had named not far from the university as our rendezvous.
Winter in Glasgow made us all tra – men and women, boys and girls dressed warmly in tweedy wool great coats, boots and heavy trousers for the men and boys; women wore ankle length coats over long skirts or wool slacks with high-topped boots. Knit balaclavas or felt hats were the order of the day. Bikes were thinner on the streets and the walkways busier. People were out doing their weekend and holiday shopping.
I arrived twenty minutes before our agreed upon time, and I'd hardly reached the door when I saw her at the corner, crossing the street. I hurried to meet her, politely avoiding running over other pedestrians, though the necessity of that irked me.
She smiled tentatively when she saw me and I wondered again if I was still dreaming.
She'd changed a little, rimless glasses now, tweed hat and with her ankle length, trim russet coloured great coat she looked both dashing and elegant.
'Hello Sandy,' she said, offering her gloved hand, which I took, and gave her an awkward cousinly kiss on her cheek – no going back was my motto.
'Hello, Nesta. You look dashing,' I said. 'It is so good to see you.'
'I thought I was early. Were you waiting long?' she asked coolly.
'You're early and I just arrived. It seemed too nice of a day to stay inside and wait,' I said, or something stupid like that. Don't remember exactly.
Both of us must have felt shy and awkward, we walked back to the deli, ordered our meal, and found a small table to ourselves, not quite ourselves. Was that closeness gone with the summer? I wanted it so badly, but knew from experience that trying too hard would only backfire.
'So tell me, why are you teaching here rather than doing your post doc in Cambridge?' she asked after we had settled in, watching me closely.
'I have your father to thank for that,' I replied.
'Father?'
'Yes. For some reason, which now is clear, Professor Blake sacked me from my post doc appointment. Officially there was a shortfall in funding, but Blake made no pretence of it being anything other than the wishes of your father.'
'Why...' she began, and then nodded, 'Oh.'
'Exactly. A low-bred worm. I was sacked week after I went down from Glen Lonon, just after you and Renny broke your news to your fathers.'
'And Professor Blake just sacked you on father's orders?'
'Well, yes and no. I was a small pawn in the whole Learmonte New Technology Centre dance between your father and Professor Blake. And sometimes pawns must be sacrificed. However, to be perfectly fair, Blake more or less promised to name a conference room in the new Technology centre after me,' I said with a laugh. Adding, 'And he did promise to do what he could to see that I landed on my feet. Fact is that by the time I'd returned to Cambridge, I'd come to realize that I'd spent more than enough time there and was ready to leave, so I actually welcomed being sac
ked. Though I did do some hard negotiating, and won the right to call Professor Blake by his nickname, Rave, to his face without having to wait ten or twenty years.'
'You're a hard man, Say,' she said.
'Arr, I am,' I admitted.
'So how did you land this temporary professorship?'
'Through Red, of course. Red Stuart. He came down to London the week following my sacking for a conference and when I told him of my getting the sack....' And I went on to tell her my story and then about my term in Glasgow.
The deli was filling up with customers, so after finishing my tale, learning more details about the great breakup and her fortnight with the old Lonons, (They'd not found TTR in the locked study, though they did open the door and look in...) and finishing our meal, we rose to go... Some of the awkwardness had evaporated, but our old friendship had not returned, as I'd hoped. She was more guarded and I was perhaps too careful not to show all my feelings. It hadn't seemed wrong, but it wasn't right either. It seemed like, this was something we'd do every so often until our lives became too busy. A dart of fear stung my heart.
We buttoned up and stepped outside without a word, afraid to even look at each other. I didn't know what to do.
She glanced at me and said, 'I've some shopping to do...
My poor heart froze.
'If you want, we could do it together,' she added after a long pause.
I let out my breath. 'I'd like that.' Being with her was always easy.
We spent the next several hours shopping. Window shopping, since Nesta has apparently done only one impulsive thing in her life and regretted it. Mostly it gave us time to slowly fall back into our old effortless companionship. Mostly in the easy silences. But between those silences and those unsaid thoughts, we talked about our present lives. I told her of my experiences teaching and she about her new position at the clinic.
And then, after a while, we just walked, aimlessly.
'You hesitated this morning when I asked if you wanted to rekindle our friendship...' she said. 'Have I put you in an awkward position?”
'Hardly, you've gotten me out of one,' I laughed.
'How so?'
'Well,' I hesitated, but nothing ventured, 'I rather fell for you this summer. Couldn't do anything about it, of course. Impossible for a dozen reasons. Once more I found myself in the familiar situation of loving someone beyond my station. So when you called this morning, well, suddenly you were not quite impossible. And yet, there were still reasons I had to consider before I said yes. Of course it would be yes, but I wanted to realize what I'd have to face... Beyond first winning you, I mean.'
'Such as?'
I ticked off the list, her father, her sister, her wealth and class, and my determination to make her happy or not at all.
'You don't know what you're talking about, Say. My mother came from a family poorer than yours, and all my aunts and cousins are no richer than you. My father, no matter what he seems like today, is no snob. That's of no account. Sure I know the Lonsdales and the Frasers are rich, but none of my friends from college have titles or estates. So you needn't worry about that. Flora's only concern is about her own wedding plans. She has nothing against you, save that. If you marry me, you'll be her pal forever. Trust me. As for my money and title, well I've got a career that will keep me grounded for some time, and I suspect that you'll do alright in that regard as well.'
'Perhaps, but I'd like to stay in academia, at least for some time. I find I really enjoy teaching. And well, my experience working for your father rather opened my eyes about the restrictions I'd have to endure working in a private firm. I'd like to be freer in my research.'
'I see nothing that's a barrier – should it come to that,' she quickly added, and then, more grimly, 'Except Father...'
'Ah, there I think I see a glimmer of light,' I said.
'Trust me, you'll need more than a glimmer.'
'Well, this summer he seemed an insurmountable object. I'd never take you away from Glen Lonon and your family, but he'd never let me into your family, especially since it would put a spanner in the gears of this business plans. However, ever since you called, I've been thinking about him and how to win him around, and I think I may have found a new way of presenting the possibility of you and I. In a way that might make sense for him to accept it.'
'I'm listening,' she said with a glance and a half smile.
'I'm thinking that during my summer in Glen Lonon I've come to know a great deal about your family. I'm likely the world's greatest authority on the theory and practise of TTR's scheme for transmitting electricity wirelessly, and I know all about the Rhymer's Gate and what it had been doing all those years while it was kept a dark secret, and well, who knows all the things the staff told me about the family while I was there?' I added with a grin.
'Blackmail,' she said. 'How delightful.'
'Blackmail is a harsh word, Nesta. I'm merely thinking that once he realizes that I already know enough about the family to be a member, but that I have ideas, and prospects that could be made into commercial products, he might be convinced to look on acquiring Alasandr Say in the light of a shrewd business acquisition, or a merger,' I said, adding carefully, 'Should we, of course, reach the same conclusion, at some point in our friendship.'
She shrugged. 'Sounds like blackmail to me. Blackmailing the gillies is one thing, Father is another matter,' she added darkly.
She was teasing. I think. But winning the, well, compliance of her father with any plans we might decide on was necessary for me. So I continued earnestly, 'Come now, he must realize that whatever part, if any at all, I played in blowing up the wedding, and I've noted, you've not admitted any, is of no consequence since Renny's decision to give the marriage a miss effectively ended their plans without your involvement. Any part I played, even in their imagination, was neither here nor there. There's nothing to be gained by holding that against me, and I'd like to think, something to be gained by bringing me into the family firm. I doubt he'd be happy if I joined the staff of one of his competitors when my appointment ends at the uni...'
'Blackmail,' she laughed. 'Take it from one who knows.'
'Business,' I replied.
'So it's all business, is it Say?'
'When in Rome,' I said. 'But we're talking about your father, not us.'
She stopped on a street corner on a side street just off the Great Western Rd. Down the street the setting sun was peeking out under the clouds, illuminating the houses and hedges in its ruddy light and turned to me. 'I'd like to make something clear...' she began. And stopped, of course.
'And what would that be?' I asked to prompt her.
'I cheated this summer. I made you agree to be something you weren't. You see, within the clan we had long settled things like love and sex between ourselves over the years of growing up together. I treated you like I could've treated Barry or even Renny before we became engaged, that love or sex was not and never would be in the cards. We'd settled that years before. But of course with you, it was just an agreement we made so that I could have, when I wanted it, company as casual or intimate as I cared to, without being dragged along on every hair-brained adventure the clan dreamed up. And when I realized that a promise was not the same as having settled those questions over years of being together, there was nothing I could do about it.
'Setting the wedding date with Renny cleared my mind wonderfully. I no longer had to consider Father or Flora, or even my Mother. All I had to do was consider Renny and myself, and in that clarity, I came to realize I simply couldn't go through with it, no matter what. But with Renny in India nothing could be settled with him until his return and knowing what would happen when I announced my decision, there was nothing I could or dared to do about our summer's agreement,' she paused.
I waited for her to say more, but when she didn't appear to have more to say, I said, 'I truly treasure my summer with you in Glen Lonon. I regret nothing. And, well, here we are, Nesta...'
'I a
lso treasure it. And as you say, here we are. The knot that bound us to no more than friendship, companionship no longer does. But summer is gone as well. If we are to be friends. Or more. We need a new understanding.'
Again, I waited. In vain. 'And what would that be?'
She shrugged. 'I don't know. Do you?'
'I think I do,' I said. 'When I returned to Cambridge, like you, I'd found a little clarity about Penny. I saw clearly that she'd been right all along, we were too different to be a couple. Friends, colleagues, yes, but when we took off our lab coats, we'd have to go to our own homes. I also learned from Penny, that being in love is just that and nothing more, unless that person is in love with you. Obvious, I guess. But not always when you're in love.
'I know how I came to feel about you this summer. I'm more sure of it now, since it hasn't faded with the summer. But I know too that it doesn't matter unless you feel something like it too. I'd like to unravel the knot we made, but that must be your choice as well. There's no need to make any decision in a hurry. We can start a new friendship today, if you want and just see how it goes. I believe I can be just your friend. Penny survived it, and I'm certain you could too...'
She shook her head. 'No. Yes. I mean you are my dear friend already. The summer sealed that. But I called today because, well, the summer suggested that perhaps we could be more. But I called today expecting you to be in Cambridge and that time and distance would allow that understanding time to grow. Finding you here. Having you here beside me, has upset my plans,' she glanced at me, and smiled. 'I'm not exactly complaining. But still, it will take time. It always does with me.'
'I liked the way we were this summer. As far as I'm concerned, you can take all the time you need to discover what you want.'
She considered that for a moment, and then said, 'So if I invite you up for dinner tonight, you realize that it's, well, just for dinner?'
'Yes, of course.'
'And I should also add that if I invite you up for dinner tonight, we'd need to stop at the grocer before it closes to buy some provisions. After which you'd have to make something to eat for dinner, since cooking is not one of my talents. Or we could simply stop at a take-out restaurant along the way, which is my normal procedure.'
'As a lifelong gentleman bachelor, unwilling to starve, I'm capable of preparing half a dozen different meals, so yes, even under those conditions, I'd be prepared to accept a dinner invitation from you,' I assured her with a swelling sense of happiness.
'Right. We turn here at the corner for my flat. There's a market along the way so you can buy what you need to make me supper. Come along, Say. Don't diddle about. It's getting late the grocer won't be open forever and I'm getting hungry,' she said with a laugh, everything suddenly, if inexplicably, settled.
'Lead on,' I said, and dared to add, 'My dear.'
Later, at her flat, a knock at her door.
'That'll be Michelle, my neighbour from across the hall,' she said getting up from the kitchen table where she'd been watching me stir the sauce while I waited for the pasta water to come to a boil. 'She stops by every Saturday to see what we want to order out for dinner.'
She was gone less than half a minute. I glanced back as she returned.
Of course.
Lord Learmonte was grimly staring at me from the far side of the kitchen table, his face growing red, his eyes bulging. He tried to say something, but his anger was in the way.
I glanced behind him to see Nesta silently laughing. My heart skipped and I found my courage. I glanced back to Learmonte.
'Good evening, Lord Learmonte,' I said without a quiver. 'Hope you've brought an appetite. I'll boil enough spaghetti for the three of us. We'll set another place. Make yourself at home. Care for a glass of wine?' I added cheerfully. He'd need it. 'I believe we've a lot to talk about.'
'You!' he finally managed to say.
I looked to Nesta, 'I hope so.'
