by Kathryn Shay
He glanced at Kate. She met his gaze. He saw the suffering in her eyes, too. She’d loved Ali dearly and knew exactly what she was going through.
o0o
Kate drove up to Hale’s Haven on Hidden Lake, about a half hour from Meg’s house. The camp for kids of slain firefighters, police officers and the children of veterans sprawled out from the road to the lake. Mitch and Megan had started the camp fifteen years ago to provide an opportunity for kids to be kids and have a respite from their troubles.
Kate went past the sign with a multicolored clown holding balloons and in large letters proclaiming HALE’S HAVEN. She’d decided to come here to forget about the loneliness she felt when Lucy left her at Megan’s house. She was also reeling from seeing Alessia after all these years, and of course, from Rafe treating her as a ghost. She wasn’t alone in her motives for coming here. Many times, firefighters had volunteered at the camp to get out of their own heads and do something to help others.
She passed the basketball courts, the tennis court, and the Go-Kart loop. Next to all that, across the lawn, was what she knew to be the Adventure Trial. It consisted of ropes suspended from trees, a horizontal log and an obstacle course, all of which were to teach the kids to work together.
Following the noise, she kept walking to the cabins. Camps hadn’t begun yet as kids were still in school, but lots of preparation was taking place. When she got closer to the shore, she smelled the scent of paint from the new structures. Leaving the path, she crossed to the workers.
“Hey, buddy, how you doing?”
Her son turned to her, his face happy. “I’m doing good, Mommy.” He held a paint brush slathered with white pain and wore some dabs of it on his cheek. “Sabby says I’m a big help.”
Up four rungs on a ladder, Mitch and Megan’s daughter, Sabby, slapped a coat on the higher boards. A braid which traveled to her waist took a jaunty swing when she looked down. “Hey, Kate. He is a big help.”
“It was kind of you and your mom to take him out here.”
“She’s in the house cleaning.” Sabby rolled her dark eyes. “She won’t let the cleaners for the cabins do it.”
“What? How unfortunate. I’ll talk some sense into her.”
Sabby laughed at Kate’s deadpan words.
“Tommy, I’m going to find Megan. Stay with Sabby.”
“I will. She already re—re, Sabby what did you do?”
“I read him the riot act about staying close.”
“Thanks.” Kate left her son in the capable hands of the Malvaso daughter, who’d just become a teen. A lovely teen. Mitch was going to have a hell of a time when she started dating.
As she headed to the shore, she wondered if Rafe would be around when Tommy went into puberty. Of course, he would. The question was, would he be with Kate? Sighing, she passed the eight older cabins—there were only four when Kate and Rafe worked her before.
At the lakefront, by the boathouse, several water accessories like jet skis, two large paddle boats, a few motor boats and a cabin cruiser were parked in the water. Inner tubes peppered the shore. They must have been hosed off after winter and were drying in the sun. She inhaled the scent of lake water lapping against the sand. Instead of being unpleasant, joy surged through her at the recollections only smells can bring on: her and Rafe taking kids out on the big boats. Her and Ali showing the little ones how to maneuver the inner tubes. Her and Carmella serving hot dogs right behind her in the open mess hall.
Savoring the memories, she walked up three steps to the house the newly married Megan and Mitch had built on the water more than a decade ago. Kate knocked.
“Come on in,” she heard.
She walked inside to a mud room, then she stepped up into the large kitchen. Megan’s behind wiggled from her vigorous scrubbing. “Meg, it’s me Kate.”
Megan poked her head out of the oven, then sat on her haunches. “Hey, Kate. Did you come to get Tommy?”
“No, I came because I was lonely.”
“Aw. You can go help down at—”
“I know exactly what I’m going to do.” Kate took off her light hoodie and tugged down her old T-shirt she threw on with denim shorts. “I’m not going anywhere else except in this house. If you insist on cleaning this place yourself, I’m doing the scutt work. Now, scoot out of the way and go do your bedroom. You probably won’t want me to tidy up your private space.”
“Ha! Mitch’s sisters and brothers barge right in there unless the door’s locked.”
Kate felt a pit open up in her stomach. “I could have been a part of a family like that.”
Meg rolled to her feet. “Hey, is that resignation I hear in your voice?”
“Maybe a bit. I saw Rafe today. He was with Alessia at lunch and I bumped into him at the diner. She’s obviously mad at me. He ignored me.”
“Men try to ignore what they can’t deal with. Don’t believe for a second that he didn’t watch your every move.”
“You think?”
“Yeah, I think.”
“Then that makes me feel better.”
Meg squeezed her shoulder. “Don’t give up the faith, kiddo.”
“I won’t. Thanks for the pep talk.”
“Anytime.”
She and Megan gossiped and sang along with tunes from her iPod as they cleaned and dusted and ran the vacuum. Outside, the sun was beating down on the deck, and when they finished, Meg said, “We’re done. Let’s go out to the deck and sunbathe.”
Kate borrowed a bathing suit from her and they stretched out on chaises and kept up the girl talk over a pitcher of lemonade.
After a bit, they heard from inside, “Meggie? You here?”
“Yeah, on the deck, honey. Come on out.”
They both shaded their eyes to see Mitch. Kate was shocked that he had company: Rafe.
The good mood was ruined by his scowl. “What are you doing here?”
She wanted him back but she wasn’t going to be a doormat. Sliding off the chaise, she stood and stiffened her spine—in more ways than one. “I have every right to be here, Rafe.”
“I know you do.” His gaze roamed her body. The hot pink bikini was the only thing of Meg’s she could fit into, and then it was a bit tight on top. “I meant, I meant…Hell, Kate, cover up, will you?”
Mitch clapped Rafe on the back. “Easy boy.” He crossed to his wife, leaned over and whispered something in her ear that made her blush. Meg got up, too. “Mitch and I will give you two some space.”
When they were alone, Rafe went to the edge of the deck and leaned against the railing, facing her. “I met up with Mitch at the academy. He was done for the day and I decided to run out to the camp when he told me Tommy was here with Meg and Sabby.”
“Tommy’s supervised,” Kate said, lifting her chin. “Sabby’s watching him.”
“I know. I didn’t mean…” His glance dropped to her chest. “Holy hell, Kate, you got curves in all the right places.”
“You always said I needed meat on my bones.”
“That was a compliment.”
Her face blanked.
“You must know how good you look.”
“How I look has been the last thing on my mind in the past few years.”
“Of course. With Chris dying.”
“And missing you.”
She crossed to the railing and Rafe turned around. They both stared out at the lake.
Rafe spoke as if he was far away. “This place has so many memories of us. I couldn’t work here the first couple of summers after you left.”
“I’m sorry.”
She angled her body to him and he did the same. His eyes hot, he lifted his hand to her shoulder, and with his fingertip, traced the strap of the pink bikini down to where her breasts strained over the material. He pressed his palm into her. She gasped. He took in an audible breath.
And a little voice said, “Daddy, you’re here.”
Chapter 4
The following Sunday, Rafe walked into th
e kitchen and inhaled the spices filling the air. The scent of minestrone soup was branded in his memory.
He slid his arms around his mother, who stirred the tasty dish. She was still trim, like she was when he was little. “How is Carmella today?”
She shook her head. Her hair had turned gray and was cut in a sassy bob. “Carmella is holding it together. I can’t wait to meet my new grandson.”
“I hope everything goes well. Gideon’s coming, isn’t he?”
“Of course. The whole family will be here. Tommy’s included in that now.”
“Don’t overwhelm him. He’s a bit shy.”
She snorted. “A Casella who’s shy?”
“I guess he’s more like Kate in that respect.” When saying her name made what happened yesterday surface, he squelched the images.
His mother sniffled.
“It’s all right to feel bad that Kate won’t stay, like old times. She was a daughter to you.”
“I’m furious with her for leaving, for depriving us of Tommy, but, Rafe, I miss her.”
“I know, Mama. At least Tomaso will stay.” He used his father’s full name to make Mama smile.
“I can’t believe she named him after my Tomaso.”
“I can. She loved him, too.”
“And he has our last name? Not hers?”
“Yep.”
“God bless her.” Carmella circled in his arms. Her face was remarkably unlined for a woman of sixty-five. “I don’t know all the details, but you said she left because she couldn’t bear having two first responders as a baby’s parents. Isn’t that still true?”
“Not exactly. A few years after she left me, she married a teacher and he died in a car accident.”
“Marone,” his mother whispered. “That poor girl.”
“I don’t want to make dropping off Tommy any harder for her than it already will be. She’s bringing him to the door but isn’t coming inside.”
“I’m not sure I want to see her.”
“It’s your choice, of course.”
Rafe left his mother and crossed to the pot to get some coffee. He’d come early to the weekly family dinner to prepare Mama for his son. When she went into her downstairs bedroom to finish dressing, Rafe walked out onto the patio to enjoy the April warmth. The wooden jungle gym and swing set that he and his brothers and Billy built for the grandkids, was in his line of vision. There was also a sandbox under the old tree, where he and Kate used to sit at a picnic table planning a future together. He didn’t go back there. Instead, he took a seat at the new umbrella table Mama had bought and sipped his coffee. She’d wanted to talk about why Kate had left him, and now, that scene came full blown into his mind…
She was living in his house, as it wasn’t long until their wedding, but she’d gone out before he got home. It was rainy and he wondered where she was. When she walked through the door, she was drenched. “Katie, honey, what are you doing out in this weather?”
“I needed to take care of some things.”
“Okay. Let’s get you out of this.” He eased off her raincoat, put it on the coat rack and drew her close. Her wet hair soaked his shirt. “I can see something’s wrong, love. Tell me and we’ll fix it together.”
She buried her face in his chest and he felt hers rumble. She was crying. He’d rarely seen this strong woman reduced to tears, even when she confided some of her past to him. He maneuvered her to sit on the couch they picked out together and slid his arms around her. “Shh,” he whispered softly. “It’ll be okay.”
When she finally quieted and drew back, she scrubbed her face. “I can’t do this, Rafe.”
“Crying? You’re entitled. Though you gotta tell me why.”
“No, not that.” She took his hand in hers. “I can’t…marry you.”
He’d never been more shocked in his life. Despite the normal uncertainties in every relationship, he knew in his gut that Kate loved him deeply. So he said, “Of course, you can.”
“You want kids, right?”
“When we’re ready.”
“Kids with both parents as first responders have a greater chance of ending up orphans than any other segment of the population.”
“We’ve discussed it before. Many times, but you won’t listen to reason.”
She looked around wildly. “I grew up an orphan. Terrible things happened to me.”
“You’ve never told me all of it.”
“I’m ready to tell you now so you’ll understand. I was raped more than once by foster fathers. I was beaten by foster mothers. It’s why I ran away every time.”
His heart clenched in his chest. “Oh, sweetheart, I’m so sorry.” He pulled her close again, kissed the top of her head. “I figured it was something like that. Thank you for finally telling me.”
“So you understand now? Why I can’t marry you? Why I can’t have a baby with you?”
“I know you’re afraid of us both dying. But your fears can be dealt with.”
Ignoring his words, she said, “I’m leaving town tonight.”
His pulse went into overdrive. “What?”
“We walk into burning buildings every day. I can’t take the risk of us leaving our child alone.”
“I’m going to keep saying this until I convince you. Even if something did happen to us, Alessia or Seth would be good parents to our children. We can put that in our wills.”
“No.” She raised her chin. “I won’t risk it.”
“Honey, you’re not being reasonable.”
“I don’t care. It’s how I feel.”
“Do you really think I’ll let you go?”
She bit her lip. “You told me once you’d do anything for me, even if I wanted to leave you.”
“Yeah, but I meant for another guy.”
“I’m calling in your chit. I’m asking you to let me go. For my sanity.”
“No.”
Again, she burst into tears, sobbed, clutched his chest. “Please, Rafe, if you love me, do this.” The sobs kept coming until she abruptly yanked herself away and bolted up. He followed her to the bathroom where she vomited violently. When she finished, she sat back on her heels and peered over at him with bruised eyes. “I can’t live with this worry hanging over my head. You have to agree to let me go.”
Though he had more arguments to make, she was too upset to listen. He had no choice but to say, “All right, I’ll let you go. But you have to promise me you won’t go until we talk about this again in the morning…”
A loud chirping brought him out of the reflection. Rafe remembered thinking he’d placate her, so she could stop this meltdown, and she’d sleep on it. He had no idea then that she was pregnant. He brought her up to their bed, and they’d both fallen asleep. A few hours later, he woke and she was gone. He’d hired a private detective but she’d never left a trail.
He stood when he heard noise from inside his mother’s house. Gideon had arrived.
“Hey, bro,” Gideon said when Rafe came into the kitchen. He’d already gotten a beer and was sitting at the table. Rafe joined him. “How’s it hangin’?”
“Fine. You?”
“Shitty.” His light blue eyes turned flat. “I couldn’t get the kids today. Lisa took them to see her parents.”
“We had them here last Sunday. It was her weekend to have them.”
“It still sucks.” He socked Rafe in the arm. “You’ll find out. Your kid must be five.”
“Yeah, I already know how missing him feels, if it’s any comfort.”
He gulped back a swig of beer. “Man, Rafe, that whole thing must be hard.”
“It is. I can’t think about it for too long.” He poured himself more coffee. “How’s the job going?”
“I’m in line for a promotion to sergeant.” Gideon was a cop in Hidden Cove.
“That’s great news.”
“No tellin’ if I’ll get it. There are four women competing.”
“You sound as if you don’t like women in the department.
”
“In some ways I don’t.” He drained the can. “Hey, I heard something about our Casella cousins at the station house.”
“What?”
“They’re in town at the Hidden Cove lake house.” Where Rafe’s family—their fathers were brothers—used to visit when they were younger.
“Even Ronan?”
“Not sure about that. All I know is they’re selling the place.”
“Wow.”
“Ever miss Hayley and Finn and Ronan?”
“I don’t let myself.” Like he didn’t let himself miss Kate all these years. “You?”
“Yeah, sometimes.”
They were both quiet, lost in the memories of how his Aunt Bridget, his Uncle Albert’s wife, had ignored Rafe’s family as much as she could when they were in town. Then she stopped coming to family gatherings. When Albert died, she made sure he and his cousins never saw each other. What a crime.
“Want to watch the basketball game?” Gideon asked.
“In a second. I need to talk to you. Kate’s dropping Tommy off. She’s not coming in.”
Gideon’s fair complexion reddened. His brother had a hair trigger, and briefly, Rafe wondered how he controlled it on the job. “Big fucking deal. She’s not welcome in this house.”
“It’s not your place to make that decision. But if she does come in, I don’t want you to be mean to her.”
“Why? She dumped you, which was bad enough, then we find out she had your kid. Christ, Rafe. Wake up!”
“She made a mistake, Gideon.”
Gideon’s brow arched. “You’re not gonna forgive her, are you?”
“No, I’m not, but I’m not going to be cruel, either. People make mistakes. Besides, you know I’m marrying Melanie.”
“Then set a date and prove it.”
That pissed him off. “I don’t have to prove anything to you.”
“Ha. I knew I was right.”
“This conversation is over.”
Gideon scraped back his chair, stood and headed to the den.
Rafe was trying to decide what to do about his volatile brother when Seth came through the kitchen door. “Hey, Rafe, I’m glad you’re alone because I have news. I stopped in at work to see if this came.” He held up a paper. “Tommy’s yours.”
