He placed it in her hands and with it memories, so many memories. Her mother had kept this packet with them when they moved tenements. When she died, Em put it with her few belongings before leaving. If it was important to her mother, she wanted to keep it. It was all she had from her. Someone must have put it in her file. Now, after seven years, it was back in her hands. She fingered the worn paper, feeling the same yearning she’d felt when she’d held it before. The longing to know what it was.
Caleb’s voice was soft. “What is it?”
Oh, how she hated admitting what a stupid girl she was. “I don’t know what it is.” It seemed impossible for her voice to sound any softer, but it did. “I don’t know how to read.” She looked away then, unable to meet his gaze. “My mother kept those papers with her. When she died, I took them. I didn’t know what had become of them. I always meant to learn to read so I could know what the papers said. I do think I could learn. I just haven’t been taught.”
Caleb shifted in his chair until he was squarely facing her. “I never would have guessed. You talk like someone who knows how to read. You sound like someone with years of schooling.”
“My mother would be glad to hear that. She was a maid in a fancy house. She insisted we speak proper English. She meant for us to learn to read as well, but circumstances kept her from having the time to teach us. Over the last several years I often talked to her, even though she wasn’t with me. In a way I suppose I was honoring her by speaking as properly as I could. At least in that way I wasn’t letting her down.” Em picked at her thumbnail. “Just her and God and the hope of something more. That’s what got me through those long years.”
“Do you want me to read those papers to you? Or do you want to wait and read them when you are able to yourself?” Caleb put a large, calloused hand under her chin and turned her head toward him. “I could teach you. You could learn.”
Em sucked in her lip, trying to control the emotion she felt. “You would do that? You’d teach me?”
“Sure. Once you’re feeling better and living in this room, we could have lessons in the evening. I’ve never taught anyone before. We could learn together.”
“Why? Why would you do that?” No one had ever offered to teach her anything before.
“Well, I guess I figure everyone deserves a chance to read. Books, newspapers—it’s not fair that they make no sense to you. I have years of schooling behind me. I might as well use it for something. Besides, my evenings around here are pretty quiet.”
“Could I write too?” Em asked. Then suddenly feeling shy, she wished she could capture the words and lock them back inside. Surely she’d asked too much. “But you don’t need to teach me. I was just wondering if it was hard, that’s all.”
“I’ll teach you that too. Reading and writing go together.” He closed the box and reached out a hand to her. “Let’s head over to the Howells’ now. The doctor was going to let them know you would be coming, so they’ll be expecting you. I’ll probably get an earful from Abigail about taking you out today. I might as well get that over with.”
Taking her hand in his, he eased her off the bed. On shaky legs, she stood motionless for a moment, hoping the dizzy feeling would pass. Bracing herself on the chair, she waited. When the room stopped spinning, she took a step toward the door.
“Wait.” Caleb offered his arm. “Let me help you.”
Staring at it, she hesitated.
Caleb winked at her, then reached out and took her arm. Looping it through his own, he led her through the jail and out the door just the way a prince from her story would lead a fair maiden.
Seven
A week had passed, and now when Em touched her face, she felt a new softness. Gazing into the small mirror that hung on the Howells’ wall, she looked at the plain features that stared back at her. They were the same and yet they were different. The eyes that looked back at her were brighter, the cheeks less sunken. Even the coloring of her skin seemed altered. The time at the Howells’ had been good for her. Her once savage wound, though tender, was healing. She often looked at it and in a strange way felt gratitude for it—it’d brought her from her prison in the woods to this good home.
Inside she felt different too. Food and rest were good medicine—she was proof of that. But it was more than the food and the rest. The Howells were kind to her. Always helping her and caring for her. Looking at her like a real person who mattered. When she spoke, they listened.
Little Mae and Milly adored her, and she adored them. They followed her around, always begging for stories and wanting to sit at her side. They wanted her near them. Being wanted, truly wanted, made getting up each day easy. Was this what living felt like?
Caleb Reynolds had been staying at the Howells’ home, sleeping on the back porch on the warmer nights and in the front room when a storm blew through. Eliza clung to him whenever he was near. He didn’t flirt as obviously as Eliza, but Em thought he liked her attention just fine. She often watched the pair, quietly assessing them. A more handsome couple she could not imagine. Caleb was a man whom the Howells would cherish as a son if the two ever chose to make their relationship lasting.
Somehow he found time to spend with Em. He’d talk to her about what was happening with the case or tease her about climbing trees or make quiet jokes about her putting too much food in her mouth. During the first evening meal he’d shared with the family, he’d leaned over to Em and whispered, “Are you sure you should be taking such large bites?” The smile in his eyes and the memory had caused her to nearly repeat the past. It had taken great control to swallow. His shoulders had shaken in silent delight when he saw the affect he had on her. When he was around, Em never knew what to expect, but she knew one thing—she enjoyed his company.
A week of his near-constant presence and it felt normal having him at the table with the rest of the family.
With everyone gathered around the table, Abigail served dinner. The night had begun much like the others they’d enjoyed together. Mouth-watering food, lively stories from the twins, and easy conversation.
“There’s been another robbery,” Caleb said when there was a lull. “A telegram came today. Witnesses believe it’s our men. Red hair and a missing tooth.” Caleb set down his fork. Everyone stopped eating and stared, waiting for him to say more. “I’ll be heading out after them. Alvin, my deputy, will look after the town while I’m away. He’ll keep special watch on your home.”
Eliza looked near tears. “Oh, you will be safe, won’t you? I couldn’t bear it if something happened to you.” Daintily, she dabbed at her eyes with her napkin. “I’ll be thinking of you while you’re away.”
“I’m going with a group of lawmen from all over western Iowa. These men know what they’re doing. We won’t do anything without a plan, and we’ll be careful. There aren’t better men out there. I could be gone a couple weeks, depending on how it all plays out. We’re fairly confident that the bandits headed south.” Caleb set down his fork and looked around the table. “I don’t anticipate trouble in town while we’re away. Other than the normal saloon brawl. But there is the small chance the men will evade us and come looking for Em. Be careful while I’m away.”
Heads nodded in agreement. An eerie gloom dominated the once cheery atmosphere.
“Em, I don’t expect you to stay in the house all the time. Not with you feeling so much better. There are still several hours of daylight left. I’d like to teach you a little about shooting a gun. I’ll leave one with you so you’ll have some means of defense.” Caleb stood. “I’d feel better leaving knowing you had it.”
Abraham cleared his throat, letting everyone know he was about to speak. Then his slow words came. “I think that’s a good idea. A right fine idea. Our Em shouldn’t have to hide out in the house all the time.”
Em stared at Abraham. The kindhearted man had called her “our Em” as though she were part of the family.
Before she could say anything in response, Abigail said, “Em, you g
o ahead and leave the dishes to the girls and me. You go on out with Caleb.”
Em rose from her chair. “Thank you for a lovely meal.”
Abigail smiled back at her—a motherly smile that made Em feel warm deep inside. Em looked to Eliza. She found no familial affection in her eyes. Still hoping the two would become friends, she said, “Eliza would you like to join us? If that’s all right with Caleb, of course.”
“I’ll need Eliza here. You two go along now.” Abigail shooed them away.
Caleb led her from the table. Before they turned the corner, they heard Eliza’s indignant “But Mama . . .”
Once they were out of earshot, Em said to Caleb, “I can’t seem to get anything right with Eliza.”
Caleb just laughed. “Don’t mind her. She might think she wants to shoot, but I doubt it’s for her. Don’t worry over Eliza. I’ll smooth it over with her later.”
Once they were outside, Em greeted Amos. The horse put his head near hers, allowing her to pet his soft nose. She let him nuzzle her cheek, an intimate gesture she once never imagined she would experience with the gentle giant. She was no longer afraid. In fact, many recent nights she’d found herself dreaming of being on the back of a big horse just like him.
Up she went into the saddle.
“Not nearly as light as you once were,” Caleb said, dramatically shaking his arms. “Not sure I’ll be able to lift you much longer.”
She laughed as he hopped up onto the horse and sat behind her. “Must be everyone forcing food down me. I’ve never eaten like this in my entire life. I can’t walk through a room without someone saying, ‘Em sit down and eat this’ or ‘I made this special for you—you really must eat.’”
“It’s been good for you.” He wasn’t jesting now—she knew it. “I think by the time I return I won’t recognize you.” Caleb took the reins and clicked to signal for Amos to move forward.
He slipped his arm comfortably around her and they started off, away from the town. With Caleb’s arm around her waist, sitting high on Amos, Em imagined she was in her dream again—the one where she was more than just plain Em. Closing her eyes while they rode away, she reveled in the thought.
“Em, I haven’t had more than a minute or two alone with you this past week, and I’ve been eager to ask you one of the three questions that I earned.” Darn, she’d hoped he’d forgotten. Life was so pleasant now, and she didn’t want to dig up the past again.
She slowly opened her eyes and sighed. “I suppose we should get those questions out of the way and behind us. What do you want to know?”
“I want to know lots of things, but I’ll only ask one tonight. That way you’ll have something to look forward to when I come back. That and reading lessons.”
The anticipation of learning to read, of reading the papers her mother had saved, brought a brilliant smile to her face. She imagined even Caleb could see it, creeping up at the corners all the way to her eyes, as he sat behind her.
“I am excited for the reading lessons, but I plan to get a job soon. I need to earn money. I hope I’ll still have time for reading.” She turned her head toward him. “Do you know of any jobs?”
“Why do you need money? You wanting a new dress for the social?”
“Is that one of your questions?”
“That’s just a friend making conversation.”
A friend. She’d longed for a friend. Why didn’t her heart soar like she’d imagined it would? “Well, I can’t very well live with the Howells forever. Plus, I have somewhere I need to go.”
“Always so mysterious. One of these days I’ll ask you a question and you’ll trust me enough to answer it without leaving me wondering what in the world you aren’t telling me.”
“I’ll tell you this. It’s not a new dress that I am hoping to earn money for. I feel rather spoiled as it is, having so many of Eliza’s castoffs to wear. Every time Abigail brings me one, I have to fight off tears.”
Caleb stopped Amos and they climbed down. Together they walked to an open field where a cluster of trees dotted the edge of the grass. They were not far outside of town but far enough that they were alone.
“Wait here,” he said.
She watched as he went to the trees and hung an old, worn bandanna from a branch. She admired his long stride as he walked back toward her, crossing the field in no time at all.
“What happened to your parents? That’s question number one.”
That was a big question, but she would answer it. While he loaded the gun, she tried to decide where to begin.
“My parents were John and Viviette Cooper. Everyone called my ma Vi. When I was very young, we lived in a one-bedroom tenement all to ourselves. I’m not sure where we were before, but I remember the day we moved in. My pa was so proud. He opened the door, taking his time with the lock.” Closing her eyes, she could almost hear the jingle of the key.
“Then he pulled it open, picked me up in his arms, and swung me around in the open room. My ma laughed the most carefree laugh I’ve ever heard. Pa set me down then, walked right up to Ma, and kissed her square on the lips.” Em turned away, embarrassed by the intimate detail she’d shared. “Life was good then.”
Caleb moved around Em to face her again. “I remember when my parents were happy too. They were more discrete with their affection though.” He laughed. “When the four of us brothers would play in the giant oak in front of our home, they would come out and sit on the porch. They had two rockers there and they would sit near each other. When they thought we were too caught up in our playing to notice, my pa would reach over and take my ma’s hand. Just like this.” He reached out and took her hand. She knew he meant nothing by it, but still, heat raced through her. She struggled to focus as he kept talking. “Sometimes my ma would lean her head on my pa’s shoulder. Once, high in a tree, my brother Sam asked if I saw them. I said I did. Then he told me someday he would meet a girl that would sit, holding his hand just like that. His dream was so simple, but I remember thinking it was what I wanted too.”
Caleb let go and Em realized she had been holding her breath. Filling her lungs, she took the hand he had held and pulled it to her chest.
Caleb took his hat off his head and ran his hand through his hair. “He never did though. Sam never got to sit with a wife like that. He died in the war. All my brothers did. One by one they left home. Nobly fighting for the North. They’d hoped to come home heroes, but they never came home. They were heroes though—even before the war they were my heroes. The war ended, and I was too young to fight. I was only twelve. I was the one who stayed home.” He shrugged. “Maybe that’s why I became a sheriff. Anyway, my parents stopped holding hands and laughing then.”
The smile he wore was to convince her he was at peace with his past, but other more subtle signs told her he was not. His breathing was different now and his eyes held a faraway look, a longing look. He was hurting. She knew he was. The deep-inside ache that comes from missing someone, from wishing for a way to change something there is no way to change. She was all too acquainted with that feeling. “I’m sorry about your brothers and your parents. Having you must have been a comfort to them. No doubt they thank the Lord nightly that you’re still with them.”
He shook his head. “I’ve never been a comfort. I’ve been trying to be, and someday I know when I visit they’ll be smiling again and proud of their remaining son.”
If she’d been bolder she would have reached out and offered a hand of comfort, but she didn’t dare act on the instinct. Instead, she just listened.
“What happened to your parents? That was the real question. I’m not sure how we started talking about me.” He let out a terse chuckle and Em knew he was trying to change the mood. “Tell me the rest. What happened after they got their new home?”
“My pa worked at the docks in New York. My ma took in sewing and laundry. Everyone worked hard, but we were happy. One day, when I was about eight, he died. I don’t know how exactly—something fell during unl
oading. Our lives changed then. We moved into a hot and smelly shared tenement where babies always cried. Sewing from home no longer brought in enough money for us to live, so my ma went to work as a maid. For three years she worked in a wealthy home, until a new employee brought sickness to the house. All the maids were dismissed. The owner feared they were all sick and rather than call a doctor, she let them all go. Ma came home with no job, and within a few days she too was sick. She wouldn’t let us near her.” Em brushed a stray strand of hair from her face. “And then she died. And our world fell completely apart. I don’t know what it was that took her, but I wished I could do something. Often I wished it had taken me too.” Em shrugged. “That’s what happened to my parents. They died, and I’ve been without them since.”
Em picked up the pistol he had set down, hoping the conversation had ended. One painful question behind her.
“You said ‘our world.’ You said that she would not let ‘us’ near her. Who else? Did you have brothers or sisters?” Caleb put a gentle hand on her shoulder. “Did you lose them too?”
Trying to smile, she said, “Are you asking another question?”
Silence.
Em busied herself by studying the gun.
“No, I suppose not. Not today anyway.” He pressed his lips together into a firm line. “Thank you for telling me about your parents. They must have taught you well. No one I know could have handled all you have.”
It was the nicest compliment she’d ever received. And yet Em was not sure she had handled any of it well. Too often she lay awake at night wondering if she should have done things differently.
There was so much more. So many days and sleepless nights he did not know about. Too easily he handed out his praise. Regrets started creeping into her mind. Why had life turned out how it had? Lucy was her responsibility. A vault inside her was opening. She could not go there, not now. She took a deep breath and closed it all back up again. Locked away until she could no longer contain the urge to revisit it.
The Hope of Azure Springs Page 8
