I had no energy to fight him and I didn’t want to. His body next to mine helped at night and I needed it even more now. Seth rocked me gently. He let silence fill the air for a little while, but even he couldn’t stay quiet forever. “Who is he?” he whispered in my ear. The crying had almost dissipated, but after that it grew louder once more. Shaking Seth off of me, I managed to pull myself up off the ground. My feet felt shaky beneath me.
Seth stood staring at me completely stunned. He’d seen my vulnerable side that night on the bathroom floor, but this was worse, so much worse. No one had seen me like this ever. I couldn’t make it stop. I’d seen Alex on the roof, and I’d managed to keep it together, but then he’d looked at me like a demon not like the old Alex. This was Alex. He’d looked right at me and called me by name. It wasn’t supposed to be possible. I’d spent my whole life believing one thing and now that truth was shattered. And I couldn’t help but wonder if it was possible for the soul to survive and what if Doc could bring them back. Then maybe she…no I couldn’t go there. I knew the moment I thought about her there’d be no stopping the crying and I wanted it to stop.
Seth sat down on a part of wooden bench that was still left standing. He just stared at me with this stupid look of pity. My face felt hot. “Stop staring at me,” I screamed at him my face burning hotter. The way he looked at me was infuriating.
I started screaming all sorts of absentees at him. He wasn’t the one I wanted to scream them at. But the real target was strapped to a bed and probably wouldn’t understand anything I said anyways.
Seth rushed over to me and wrapped his arms around me again. I didn’t fight him. I wanted his embrace. My arms wrapped around; my hands clung to his shoulders as I cried into his chest. Seth held me even tighter. He was so warm. Slowly, after I don’t even know how long, I finally started to calm. My breathing was ragged the way one normally gets after crying really hard, all shaky and uncontrolled. We sat down on the edge of the bench together. I still clung to him.
“Paige,” Seth gently rubbed my back. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you knew him.”
“How could you?” I said exasperated. “I didn’t tell you and I’ve kept so much of myself from you, how could you possibly have even guessed?”
“That’s true,” he said trying to suppress a little chuckle. He turned serious again “I never would have guessed that you knew anyone still living, who had changed. You always seemed like the type who would end the suffering of an infected, whether they asked you to or not. Not out of cruelty,” he added quickly, “but out of mercy.
Merciful? After all his talk about trying to cure them, I would have thought he thought I was the real monster. “I didn’t know he’d been bitten,” I replied softly, wiping my nose with the sleeve of my coat. It was gross but at this point I didn’t think I had any pride to hold on to. “He ran when the attack began. He was a fast runner. When I saw him on the roof, I didn’t want to believe it.” I was trying to figure it all out in my mind. Of all the things I’d thought about Alex, I had never imagined that he would be one of those creatures. “He was so fast.” I looked up into Seth’s eyes seeking comfort there. “I’ve never met anyone faster. He could outrun anything. He knew where to hide. I don’t understand.”
“He’s Alex?” He asked the lightbulb going off in his head. “Isn’t he?” Seth asked wiping the tears from my face.
I pulled away from Seth drifting towards the other side of the bench. My eyes glazed over remembering the last night I’d spent with Alex, tangled in the sheets laughing with him. I remembered how warm his body felt next to mine, how I couldn’t stop smiling. There was no point in keeping the information to myself any longer. Seth needed to know. “His name was Alex Hunter, leader of my old group, my friend…and my fiancé.”
Seth made several attempts to speak. Of all the things he imagined about me, all the background stories he tried to create. I could tell that he knew he’d never even come close to understanding the real me. He’d probably put together that Alex was important to me, but not to the point where I’d agree to marry him. “For once…” Seth started.
“You’re speechless,” I managed a weak chuckle.
I could see Seth trying to sort it all out. Maybe he was worried that since I’d loved Alex so deeply, I couldn’t love him. The truth was my feelings for Alex were so new when they’d suddenly been shattered. I still didn’t know how much I loved him. What I’d felt for him, I thought all those feelings had died the day Alex ran. I’d never really had the opportunity to close that chapter in my life. I’d never gone through a break-up before and that was pretty much what this was. I’d loved Alex and now I had something knew with Seth. Something very knew that I was also still trying to figure out. Alex being back certainly complicated things.
Seth slowly made his way over to where I was sitting. I couldn’t look at him, so I stared off into an abandoned building across the street. For a fraction of a second, I could have sworn I’d seen movement, but then the tears were silently running down my cheeks again. My vision was a total blur. It was all just the stress of the day.
“You haven’t even heard what we’re doing here. It’s important. If you’d just listen to what Doc has to say, I think your whole way of thinking will change. Please will you give him a chance to explain?”
I inhaled a deep breath. Slowly I let it out, my body shook as I did. “Not in there. It’s too confusing with him looking at me…Alex…the demon.” Seth gave my hand a gentle squeeze.
“No, I’ll get him to come out here.”
Seth looked back at me just before he went after Doc. Our eyes connected the same way mine used to connect to Alex’s. It was a look that made me feel whole, like I could trust him. I was the one to let the gaze go first.
I heard him walking through the building for a while and then his footsteps slowly vanished. Before, when the tears wouldn’t stop all I’d wanted was to be left alone. Now I wanted Seth to hurry back. Being out here alone was creeping me out. It didn’t help that the weather was shifting again. A cold wind was rolling in from the north. My body shivered.
My mind kept wondering back to my last twenty-four hours with Alex, they’d been both the best and worst hours of my life. I’d lost Alex, Molly, and everyone else that I cared about. They had all run, left Molly and I and the unnamed child to suffer. I had begged Alex to help us, but he ran off without explanation, like everything we’d gone through had meant nothing.
The night before we had shared ourselves in every possible way and in the morning…no I couldn’t think about it. The fact was that Alex left, Molly was dead and nothing that Doc said would change anything. My life was always about survival and now more than anything I wasn’t really sure why I was still holding on. Yes, I had Seth and Matthew, but I didn’t know if they could ever be enough.
Thankfully, Doc and Seth came out onto the lawn just as I was about to flashback to that dreadful night yet again. I stayed seated on the bench, while Seth and Doc stood in front me of. Seth and Doc stood side by side like some sort of tag team ready to take me on in turns, should I break down again. I was pretty sure my meltdown was past. Seth kept trying to make eye contact again, but I was focused on Doc.
I stared into the Doc’s eyes for what felt like forever, when I finally threw my hands up in the air. “Let’s hear it already then. This big secret that’s supposed to give us all hope.”
“I’m sorry I chose…someone you knew…I didn’t know,” Doc said with his voice full of compassion.
“You didn’t. It was just the opportunity that presented itself. And I can’t talk about that. Just tell me what you brought me here for.”
“The explanation is actually quite long…” I rolled my eyes… “But I’ll cut right to the heart of it. I’ve discovered that a major chemical found in the human brain is missing from the creatures. This chemical controls mood and basic higher thought processes. I’ve been introducing this chemical back into the…subject’s…system. That’s why i
t’s…he’s able to talk. It’s not a cure. It helps the infected become coherent for a short time. It doesn’t reverse any of the other physical symptoms and we’re nowhere near a cure yet, but this is the first step to actually understanding.”
“How do you figure that? You get the demon to speak for a short time and ask it why it likes to tear into human flesh,” I asked sarcastically.
“No. The subject is disoriented but they do hold onto the memories of their old life. I have a theory…based on this experiment…about why they attack us.” I was listening intently even though I didn’t want to be. If Doc was right, then everything would change. Including all my beliefs I held onto. I didn’t know if I could handle that. “And I don’t think it has anything to do with spreading the infection. I think that’s just a by-product. They know they’re missing something. I don’t think they have any way of understanding what it is or how to get it, but they crave that chemical I was speaking of. That’s why they attack us. They know we have it. They smell it in us. Their sense of smell is quite heightened.”
“So, biting our flesh is supposed to give them that chemical?”
“Not at all.”
“I’m totally confused now.”
“They just do what instinct tells them to do, even if it won’t ever work. The chemical does need replacing in their brains, but it can’t be regained by taking in a few drops of blood from a healthy human. That’s why they let us go after the bite. They recognize that it doesn’t work. So, they seek out another victim. It’s the virus’s way of making sure it survives and multiplies spreading to new hosts.
“It’s taken me time to come up with a serum and method for introducing the chemical back into the system effectively. Alex…” he waited to see my reaction. I tried not to give one, but I could feel my eyes burning again. “Alex is our first trial.”
“So, you can’t fix him?” I struggled to ask the question I didn’t want the answer to.
“Not yet Paige,” he paused, allowing my real name to feel natural on his tongue. “But give me time and I know I can crack this. You said the best you thought we could achieve was a vaccine. But I know there’s a cure. We just need the time and resources to find it and we need people like you on our side. You’re smart and resourceful. After all you helped us find this place. With you, we’ll have a better chance.”
“That’s emotional blackmail you know. Dangling my lost fiancé in front of my face to entice me to stay.” I tried to laugh but it was just so that I wouldn’t cry. Seth was looking at me again. I didn’t know why, until I figured out that I’d just admitted that the thoughts of running off were back. Until I said something, I hadn’t even realized they’d returned. But they had. The desire to pull back and disconnect was very real.
“Does that mean you’ll consider it?” Seth asked. It was the first time he’d spoken since getting Doc. I could feel his eyes on me. I dared to look up. His eyes looked lost, like he didn’t know how he should feel about either answer I might give.
“I’m thinking about it. But there are more questions that I need answered.”
“Ask away, we’ll tell you anything you need to know,” Doc said excitedly.
“These questions you can’t answer…I need to talk with Alex.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
Seth was not too keen on the idea of me going into the room alone, but I’d been insistent. It was the only way. I needed to face him on my own. It was tough enough to sort out my feelings for both men in my life when they were separate. With them together I’d never be able to figure things out. Doc was the one to convince him that Alex was more human, at least for the moment, than he was before the drugs. I was still struggling to believe that it was really him. All my life I’d been taught that demons replaced the human soul. But the way Alex looked at me was very human, very Alex. He looked at me like he still loved me. That was what hurt so much. It didn’t make any sense for him to love me after what he did. I needed to know everything that happened that night, after he left us. If it really was him; I hoped that I’d finally learn the truth.
My heart should have been pounding, but it was surprisingly calm. For the first time in weeks I felt peace, which made no sense to me either. Though I couldn’t see her or hear her, I felt Molly’s presence. It was almost like her hand was in mine as I walked down the hallway. And the feeling didn’t leave me as I continued past the door. Maybe it was just in my head, but I didn’t care. At that moment I needed support and I was glad she was there in whatever form she could be.
Alex stared through his red eyes as I walked towards him. I tried not to look too closely at them. I needed to stay rational. If this was just some demon trick, I needed to be able to see through the lie. I so desperately wanted it to really be him and I didn’t even really know why. It would have been easier if Alex really were gone. But for some reason I just needed this to really be him. It was like my whole future was riding on whether or not this was Alex or just some soulless monster.
He tried to move to sit up, but the restraints held him down. He let out an annoyed grunt. It should have scared me and with any others of his kind it would have, but I knew Alex, and this wasn’t some demon raging. This was him acting out in frustration. I could see it in his eyes. What he really wanted to do was hold me.
With caution I sat down on a stool beside the bed, making sure that there was a safe distance between us. The two of us stared at each other for the longest time. He was waiting for me to say something, anything. I could see his pain. It wasn’t being trapped. It wasn’t the condition he was in. It was him seeing me as upset as I was. His reactions felt human. It was hard to reconcile what I was seeing in his eyes, his gestures, from the new form his body had taken.
“Do you remember,” I started to say with an uneven voice, “that night in the office building?”
“Ev..er..y…mo…ment.” His voice sounded almost like a frog trying to croak out an unfamiliar vocabulary. I could see the frustration in his eyes. He wanted to say so much more.
“Do you remember that you asked me to marry you before…everything fell apart. I said yes. It was the happiest I had ever been.” With every word I spoke I choked back the tears. “I didn’t think it was possible to feel safe in this world. I’d given up on happiness. I thought life could only be about survival and then you came along. You made me believe that there was still good in this world.” The tears vanished as the anger rose inside me, “And then you took it all away.” It took every ounce of control I could muster not to shout that last part at him. I’d been holding onto the anger for so long.
“Noooo!” It came out like a defiant grunt.
I wiped the tears away from eyes aggressively. “Yes, you did,” I was shouting now despite my best efforts to rein in the anger. I’d been warned not to make sudden movements or act aggressively, but it was too hard to hold it back. I’d held it all in for weeks now, not even really knowing just how much pain I was feeling, until I’d seen him again. “You gave me hope and then you snatched it away. You left Molly and me to care for the injured little boy and then you ran like the rest of the cowards. I begged you to stay, to defend the place with us. If you’d stayed…”
That night came flashing back to my mind like a blur. The sun was setting as the older boy let out his howl. Alex acted on instinct, killing him right in front of his terrified little brother. It was only then that the little boy broke, crying so loudly that it echoed off the walls. We knew the older boy’s howls had already called to a hive, but the younger boy would only make it so they could pinpoint our position easier. Molly tried to calm him. She’d held him in her arms rocking him back and forth like a little mother. We had to defend him from the others who were ready to do to him what Alex had already done to his brother. They all wanted to leave, including Alex.
But I couldn’t do that. The boy was innocent, he needed someone to protect him just like Molly had me. He just needed a few more years to learn to defend himself. If we could just make it th
rough that night, then maybe he’d have a chance at living. “What’s the point of being human if we don’t act it,” Molly tried to explain to the others. She was so wise for someone so young. I couldn’t help but feel the same way. I remembered trying to convince the others that we could defend our home if we just stuck together.
“If we all work together, we can all survive,” I’d tried to plead, but no one was listening to me. They all began to scatter. I’d pleaded with Alex to help us. He was the voice of reason in our group, if he could just get the others to see that it was possible. But he’d just looked at me and then without warning he’d run away. He left us alone scurrying to find safety.
Just like that, I was back again in the clinic. The memory having faded into the past. It was just me with Alex. He was staring at me, tears in his eyes. “Noooo!” he kept grunting over and over again.
“Yes!” I shouted back. “You ran just like everyone else. And by the time I realized the guns were stolen by the others, it was too late for us to make it to the panic room. All I had was the small handgun I always carried, and it only had three lousy bullets left in its clip. I would have expected as much from the others, but not from you. You promised me. Do you have any idea what we went through?” I was too angry to look at him anymore. “The kid was so scared he kept stopping and finally we had no choice but to leave him. Molly didn’t want to, but I couldn’t risk her life too. I had to get her to safety. Molly and I…”
“Molly?” It was the first time any of his words had come out clear.
I looked into his eyes and saw the same pain that I was feeling. For the first time since Molly died, I told someone how it happened. I remembered it was Molly who’d maintained her wits about her as we ran through the hallways. She knew where we could be safe. I remembered the screeching and howling that followed us on every turn. My heart was beating so fast it felt like it was going to burst from my chest. I wasn’t scared for me; it was always her. She was my priority. “You have to keep her safe,” My mother had said to me just before we’d left. “She’s your responsibility now. This world wasn’t made for children to survive. Promise me you will protect her.” And I’d sworn I would protect her even at the expense of my own life. I couldn’t break that promise.
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