I demonstrated by picking up one of the pieces, popping it in my mouth, and chewing.
Needed salt – but other than that, not bad.
Stig made a face as I crunched away. “It sounds like you’re chewing beetles, boss.”
I stopped chewing.
Ugh.
“Don’t say shit like that while I’m eating,” I snapped.
He shrugged. “Well, it does.”
“I should put it in a bowl?” Meera asked.
“Yes. And if you’ve got any salt, put that on…”
Suddenly I got the image of her dumping a pound of salt in the bowl.
“On second thought, bring the salt out separately and I’ll put it on the popcorn.”
She nodded and went back in the kitchen.
Blutus and Stig were curious now. The big hairy brute leaned over to look at my plate, and Stig had crawled across the table and was sniffing at the kernels.
“Here,” I said, scooping up the pieces from my plate. “Stick out your hands.”
The demons did as they were told.
I put a couple of pieces in Stig’s palm, and the rest in Blutus’s.
“Now eat it,” I instructed. “It’ll taste better with salt on it, but it’s pretty good the way it is.”
They each tentatively put the popcorn in their mouths and began to chew.
Stig cocked his head to the side. “Not bad for beetles, boss.”
“It’s not beetles. Stop saying that.”
Meera walked back into the room carrying a big bowl full of popcorn in one hand and a smaller bowl piled high with salt.
I’d been right to instruct her to let me do the seasoning.
Meera saw Stig on the table and scowled. “Back in your chair!”
He scampered across the table and plopped back down in his highchair.
She glared at him once more, then placed the two bowls down in front of me. “Here you go… Master,” she whispered in her bedroom voice.
Ugh.
“Sit down,” I ordered. The collar glowed, and she went over and sat in her chair.
I took a big pinch of salt and sprinkled it liberally over the bowl. I tried one piece, sprinkled a bit more on, then tried a second.
Ah. Perfection.
“This is good – try this,” I said, pushing the bowl over to her.
She looked at it with wide eyes. “You mean… I just put my hand in it and take out some to eat?”
“Yeah.”
She looked over at Stig and Bluto in alarm. “Will they be eating out of the same bowl?”
“Jesus,” I grumbled. Racist chick strikes again.
“Does he eat popcorn, too?” she asked.
I ignored her as I took several handfuls and dumped them on my empty plate, then slid it over to her. “There. Now you’ve got your own.”
“Thank you,” she said happily, then dug in. “Oh, it’s good!”
“Told ya.” I slid the bowl over towards Stig and Blutus. “Here, try some with salt.”
Blutus dug in, taking half the bowl in his massive hand.
“Leave some for everybody else, dude,” I joked.
Abashed, he dumped half the popcorn back in and chomped down on the rest.
Meera made a face. “Are you really going to eat that now that he’s touched it?! I could make you some more – ”
“Quiet,” I snapped.
The collar glowed and she fell silent.
Stig crawled across the table to grab a few pieces.
Meera couldn’t say anything, so she banged on the table with her hand and pointed at him angrily.
Stig jumped back in surprise, then yelled at her like Samuel L. Jackson.
“CHILL, BITCH!” Then he looked at me. “TELL THAT BITCH TO CHILL!”
“Stop bugging Stig!” I ordered Meera, then scowled at my imp. “And you stop calling her a bitch.”
Meera pouted, then got even madder when Stig grinned and touched his own bare neck as though to say Ha haaa, I don’t have a collar so I don’t have to obey.
“STOP TAUNTNG THE ANGEL AND EAT THE POPCORN,” I yelled.
Stig gave me a dirty look, took a handful, then retreated to his highchair where he stuffed it all in his mouth and chewed.
“Mm,” he nodded. “Pretty good for – ”
“DON’T SAY BEETLES,” I snapped.
He paused and chewed.
“…bugs,” he finished.
I glared at him, but took a handful of my own.
We all sat around the table in silence, with no sound but the crackle of chewed popcorn. It was like some weird, bizarro version of a 1950’s sitcom family. But with an angel instead of a mom, and demons instead of kids.
“I have good news,” Meera spoke up.
“What?”
“The priest’s entreaties worked. I got back into the good graces of the All-Father. Now I can go back to Silaros and join the Heavenly Host.”
“Whoa,” I said, wondering (to my shame) if that meant I would have to leave the penthouse soon. “When are you going to do that?”
“Well,” she said shyly, her eyes downcast, “I could stay down here… if I had a good reason to…”
Uh-oh.
She looked up at me with doelike eyes and whispered, “Like marriage.”
I coughed, bits of half-chewed popcorn flying out of my mouth and onto the table.
I wheezed and hacked, unable to breathe –
Stig grabbed his beer, bounded across the table, and handed it to me.
Meera made a horrified face. “You’re not going to – ”
I chugged half the beer in one gulp.
“Ughhhhh,” she said, her horror settling into disgust. “You’re going to have to wash out your mouth tonight before we go to bed.”
I shot her a look, then handed the bottle back to Stig. “Thanks.”
“No problem, boss,” Stig said, but looked at the bottle like, Jeez, did you have to drink so MUCH?
“Seriously,” Meera continued, “you must wash it thoroughly if we’re going to have… relations tonight.”
She blushed red as she said ‘relations.’
“We’re not having ‘relations’ at all!” I snapped. “Not if you’re talking about – about – ”
“Marriage?” Stig offered helpfully.
“Yeah, that!” I said.
“Why not?” Meera asked, bewildered.
“Because!” I yelled.
“But,” she said, then dropped her voice to a whisper like she didn’t think Stig or Blutus would be able to hear her (though they easily could), “we’ve had relations every night!”
“Awkward,” Stig muttered.
“So?!” I snapped. “That doesn’t mean I want to – to – you know – ”
“Get married?” Blutus suggested.
“Yeah, that!” I said, pointing at the big demon.
“Why not?!” Meera said, her blue eyes swimming with tears. “I thought you enjoyed when we have relations.”
“I DO! No, wait, not ‘I do’ – I mean – yes, I enjoy when we have relations!”
“Then why would you not wish to continue having relations as man and wife?”
“Would you STOP SAYING THAT?!”
She crossed her arms, obviously hurt. “I don’t understand – all I want to do is have your babies!”
“JESUS!”
“No, he can’t have my babies,” she said emphatically.
“Yeah, for more than one reason,” I snapped.
She reached one hand across the table and gave me an imploring look. “I love you, Master… do you not love me?”
I stared at her, my mouth open.
I wanted to say, No, I don’t, but I knew it would destroy her.
So I just sat there not saying anything.
Suddenly a gravelly voice spoke up behind us. “I hope we’re not interrupting anything.”
I turned around in my seat to see Varkus the goblin standing in the doorway to the apartment.
Alaria.
“So awkward,” I heard Stig mutter behind me.
29
Alaria stood there staring at me, her eyes wide.
It might have been my imagination, but I thought they were brimming with tears.
I stood up from my seat, my heart thudding in my chest. I felt both elated and terrified at the same time.
“Wha – what are you doing here?!” I asked in shock.
Alaria didn’t have the chance to answer because Meera started screaming.
“IS THAT HER?!” the angel screeched. “IS THAT YOUR SUCCUBUS?!”
Oh shit.
I’d forgotten that Meera knew all about Alaria.
Well… enough to know that I’d been in love with her.
Although maybe not enough to know I was still in love with her.
Man this was fucked up.
“Uh, yeah… Meera, this Alaria – Alaria, Meer– ”
A sound interrupted my introductions:
The FWOOSH of Meera’s sword igniting, followed by a battle scream of rage.
“AAAAAAAHHHH!” Meera shrieked as she launched herself over the table.
Varkus’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head, and he dove to the floor on his oversized belly.
Alaria’s eyes bugged out, too, but she stepped aside at the last second as the sword flashed by her and CLANG! cut into the tile floor.
“MEERA, NO!” I yelled, but that didn’t stop the angel. She just roared, pulled the sword out of the molten trough it had made in the floor, and swung it sideways through the air.
Alaria leaned back just in time as the flaming blade flickered past her throat.
Then she extended her crimson hand, and a line of fire sprang from her palm and branched off into three separate spikes.
Suddenly she was gripping a flaming pitchfork.
Whoa, THAT was new…
The sword and pitchfork clashed, sending sparks flying through the air.
Apparently my last order to Meera hadn’t been precise enough. Maybe since I’d just shouted ‘No,’ it hadn’t even been an order at all.
But I was afraid that if I ordered Meera to stop fighting, Alaria would take her head clean off.
“Blutus!” I yelled. “Shoot a chain at their weapons!”
A length of chain whirled through the air and wrapped itself around the blade and the pitchfork, binding them together. Neither woman could disengage her weapon.
Thank God…
That didn’t stop Alaria, though. She dropped the pitchfork, bared her teeth and fingernails, and leapt on Meera.
“RRRRRRR!”
Suddenly the two women were clawing and snarling and slapping each other like a really violent episode of Jerry Springer.
Meera dropped her sword so that both her hands were free to fight back, and then they really went at it.
Now that there weren’t any weapons involved, I felt like I could put a halt to things.
“MEERA, STOP THAT!”
The collar glowed, and suddenly Meera stood ramrod straight, her arms down by her side.
Alaria took the opportunity to give Meera a vicious right hook to the jaw.
Meera cried out in pain, but didn’t raise her arms to defend herself.
“ALARIA, STOP!” I yelled.
“Screw that!” she snarled. “This bitch wants a piece of me, she’s going to get it!”
She turned the punch into a backhand and raked her nails across Meera’s face.
If there had been gore in OtherWorld, it would have been a vicious, bloody wound. But thankfully all it did was knock 10% off Meera’s hit points.
Meera screamed in agony but still didn’t raise her arms to defend herself.
Shit – I couldn’t let Alaria kill her, which she would absolutely do –
“MEERA, FIGHT BACK!” I yelled. “BUT ONLY TO SUBDUE HER!”
The collar glowed, and the angel jumped back into action.
Within seconds the two women were tumbling across the floor, breaking furniture, somersaulting over each other like Looney Tunes characters, pulling each other’s hair and screaming. They rolled right out of the room in a flurry of angel and bat wings and continued the fight in the kitchen.
Varkus stood up next to me and dusted himself off. “My, I certainly didn’t expect this.”
“What the hell are you doing here?” I demanded.
“Your succubus friend wanted to find you so badly, she paid me fifty gold for your location.” He chuckled. “I didn’t realize she was the third leg of a love triangle, though. Not that it matters, mind you.”
Fifty gold?!
Why had Alaria been willing to pay so much to find me? She’d been the one to abandon me in Exardus!
“But – how did you find me?” I asked, confused. “I never told you where I was staying!”
Varkus grabbed my right wrist and held it up. “How soon we forget.”
The golden seal was glowing dimly on the back of my hand.
Shit – he really COULD track me anywhere…
“How’d you get in the building, though? And inside her apartment?”
Varkus sneered at me. “Perhaps it hasn’t quite sunk in yet who you’re dealing with, boy.”
That was probably true. I doubt that back in the day Al Capone would have had any trouble walking into any building in Chicago he wanted, whether it took a threat or a bribe.
“Well, I will leave you to your little lover’s quarrel,” the goblin chuckled, then headed for the door.
“That fifty gold is coming off my overall debt.”
“No it’s not,” Varkus said as he walked out of the penthouse.
Goddamn doors without locks –
There was the sound of shattering wood behind me.
I turned around to see what the hell was going on and immediately froze.
Alaria’s top had been torn off. Her enormous breasts were bouncing up and down and swaying side to side as she fought Meera – whose toga was ripped half to shreds, exposing one jiggling breast.
Occasionally the two of them would bash up against each other, their nipples briefly pressing together before they broke away.
I just stood there like a fool and watched, my mouth hanging open.
Stig appeared by my side and offered the bowl of popcorn like, Wanna watch?
I almost sat down on the couch and took him up on it – and then I came to my senses. “Guys, you’ve gotta – ”
Meera fell, but as she went down, her fingers raked across Alaria’s body, taking Alaria’s thong with her.
Alaria screeched and returned the favor by ripping the toga completely off the angel’s body. Now all Meera was wearing were her sandals and collar.
Seconds later they were rolling around on the floor, breast to breast, pelvis to pelvis, gripping each other’s wrists and hissing in each other’s faces.
I sat down on the sofa in a daze and reached for some popcorn.
Stig sat down beside me and stuffed his face as we watched.
The nude wrestling match went on for about sixty more seconds until both women broke off and retreated to opposite corners of the room.
That was when Alaria saw me on the couch with my hand in the popcorn.
“You’re WATCHING this for ENTERTAINMENT?!” she shouted angrily.
I looked down at Stig – then scooted a few feet away from him.
“It was his idea,” I said.
Stig glared at me. “Narc.”
“And what in Goddess’ name are you eating?” Alaria asked.
“Popcorn!” Stig said as he stuffed his face.
“Look,” I said as I got up from the couch, “you two can’t fight anymore – ”
“Yes I can!” Meera yelled.
“Why the hell did you attack her, anyway?!” I demanded.
“Because she’s a filthy demon!”
Alaria put her hands on her hips and stared at me like You ASSHOLE!
“Hey, I don’t like her saying that shit!” I protested. “Ask Stig!”
“You put up with it,” Stig mmphed through a mouthful of popcorn.
I growled at him, then turned back to face Alaria. “What the hell are you doing here, anyway?”
“I wanted to come see you – little did I know you’d be shacked up with a bird slut!” she hissed as she stared daggers at Meera.
I frowned, then got it.
Angel wings? Bird slut?
That was kind of funny, actually…
“Hell-Bitch!” Meera yelled.
“Whore of God!” Alaria roared.
“Devil’s Strumpet!” Meera screamed back.
“GUYS – STOP IT!” I bellowed.
The two women stopped screaming insults at each other, and instead just stood there panting, their naked breasts heaving up and down.
Which was pretty damn awesome, I must say.
I stood there staring… maybe with a little drool coming out of my mouth…
“Boss,” Stig said, hitting me in the side of the head with a handful of popcorn.
“Wha – oh,” I said, then forced myself to look in the women’s eyes. “We obviously can’t settle this with insults or violence, so – ”
“Well then how are we going to settle it?” Alaria seethed.
I was about to say Talk it out when Stig jumped up on the sofa, dumping the bowl of popcorn everywhere.
“FUCKOFF!” he yelled at the top of his lungs, then repeatedly diddled the OK sign with the finger of his other hand.
fwap-fwap-fwap-fwap
Alaria and Meera stared at him in shock.
I turned on Stig angrily. “Quiet! And I told you, it’s two words with a pause in the middle – ”
“FUCKOFF!” Stig yelled again, fwap-fwap-fwapping his finger through the hole even more insistently.
“Like a contest,” Meera said, as though some greater truth had just made itself apparent to her.
“Like a fuck-a-thon,” Alaria said, as though she’d figured the secret out, too.
“WHAT?!” I cried out. “No, he’s not even saying it right!”
“FUCKOFF!” Stig screeched, fwap-fwap-fwapping even harder.
Alaria turned menacingly to Meera. “We fuck each other, and the first one to come LOSES.”
“Agreed!” Meera yelled.
“WHAT?!” I yelled. “WAIT A MINUTE – ”
Pengantar Psikologi Klinis Page 32
