She paused and peered at Shiloh. “I love you, sis.”
seventy-one
When the food and dishes were put away and the kitchen was clean, everyone settled in the family room to watch movies.
As one action flick ended and Keith added another to the DVD, Lem, who had been stretched out on the floor, scooted over to Shiloh. “Lia just called. Her parents think it may be too late to come tonight—how about tomorrow?”
Shiloh leaned toward her son and stroked his cheek. “Tell you what, son. Why don’t we save them a trip? I’ll drive you to Birmingham in the morning, and we can stay as long as you want.”
Lem’s eyes widened. “Really, Mom? Thank you.”
She smiled. What she didn’t say was that she’d even go sit in the mall or walk around Wal-Mart if necessary, if it turned out to be too tense between her and Lia’s mother. All Shiloh could control was her apology, and she was ready to render it, as forcefully and as often as Leslie needed to hear it.
By midnight, Shiloh was one of the last family members to crawl into bed. She snuggled in close to Randy, asked God to bless her journey to Birmingham and her reconnection with Leslie tomorrow, and then she wept. The tears woke Randy, who startled awake, his face awash with concern.
“What’s wrong, Shiloh? What is it?”
She swiped at the tears, but they kept coming. Finally, she gathered herself enough to reassure Randy that nothing was wrong—everything was finally falling into place. She knew she was loved, simply because she was Shiloh. How beautiful that felt.
The secrets that had held her hostage for all these years only had the power she had given them. Her shame didn’t serve anyone, and especially not God. She was finally free. And in that freedom, she could love others like never before—those who were broken or lost or lovely or seemingly perfect, or obviously sinful. She had been all of those at one time or another, and never once had God let go of her. Shiloh was ready now to hold onto God. These tears were her baptism, of sorts, her new beginning.
Randy couldn’t read her mind so he didn’t know that transformation was taking place, but the inner joy he must have read in her tear-stained expression seemed to calm him. He pulled her close, and held her, until they both fell asleep.
seventy-two
Shiloh and Mama were the first to stir in the morning, as usual.
They met in the kitchen just minutes apart. Shiloh was measuring coffee for the coffee maker when Mama joined her at the island with ingredients she had pulled from the pantry and refrigerator to make a memorable family breakfast.
“Homemade biscuits?” Shiloh asked.
“Yep,” Mama said. “Like always. Even Michael and Mason have come to love them.”
Shiloh peeked at Mama. “And how are you feeling about them—about adding them to your brood?”
Mama worked in silence a few moments while she kneaded the dough. Finally she said, “Let’s put it this way: When the photographer from Cedaric Photography comes tomorrow to shoot our family portrait, Michael and Mason will be surrounding me, along with your four boys.” A mischievous gleam filled Mama’s eyes. “Can’t wait to show off that picture and see the faces of the ladies in the women’s missionary society!”
Shiloh couldn’t believe it. Mama used to care so much about what those ladies said and thought. What was going on?
She saw Shiloh’s quizzical stare and laughed. “Yes, I can poke fun at them and at myself.” She stopped pounding the dough and turned toward Shiloh. “I want to know your secrets, if you’re willing to share them with me.”
Shiloh’s breath caught in her throat.
Mama touched her hand. “Your father was absolutely right in the position he took yesterday. You don’t have to tell any of us what happened all those years ago. You were young, you were a different person. I will love you the same no matter what. But I can’t get your twenty-year-old face out of my mind, and I keep wondering what was going on behind your air of confidence and pretty smile that I didn’t see, that somehow crippled you or burdened you all this time. I feel like I failed you as a mother because you held onto whatever happened and didn’t feel like you could come to me and trust me. That means you thought I’d judge you.”
Shiloh looked away. It was the truth, but she wouldn’t hurt Mama by confirming it.
Mama gently grabbed Shiloh’s chin and turned Shiloh’s face toward hers. “You thought I’d judge you, and truthfully, you were probably right,” Mama said. “I would have cared what the people at Riverview Baptist would have to say. I would have been appalled that whatever it was led you to forget your Christian upbringing. I would have been hard to live with, and it would have made your burden greater.” A sad smile crossed Mama’s face. “It’s unfortunate, but true. That’s the good, Christian First Lady I was back then, and have been, for way too long. Your Daddy’s heart attack shook me into reality: what really matters is loving each other unconditionally, not with strings attached.”
Shiloh didn’t know if Mama’s change of heart would stick, but this conversation was certainly throwing Shiloh for a loop. Maybe she had such a fixed image of who her mother was that she didn’t believe Mama could change. But this was the same lens of judgment that she had used to view Jade, she suddenly realized, and she was learning that she could not truly assess a person’s heart or character.
“I can’t blame you if that’s the only mother you know—I guess that’s the only side I’ve shown you,” Mama said. “But it’s way past time that I get to know the true Shiloh, and you have the benefit of knowing all of me. That’s why I want to know, sweetheart. Not so I can make you feel worse. I want to stand with you and pray with you when the doubts creep in and the shame tries to reclaim its spot in your mind, as it inevitably will. I’ll always be your mother, but I also want to become your friend.”
The plea was evident in Mama’s eyes as much as it was in her voice. Shiloh was undone. Could she trust Mama with this? Would it come back to haunt her? That voice, unbidden, filled her spirit again with an answer. Trust me.
Shiloh silently replied. Yes, Lord.
She grabbed Mama by the hand and led her to the kitchen door.
“Where are we going?” Mama asked.
“Outside, to the porch, where we’ll have some privacy,” Shiloh said.
She pulled Mama along. They walked around the side of the house to the front, and climbed the stairs to the porch where they settled in the swing.
Mama scooted close to Shiloh and turned to face her. “Before you begin, I want to answer a question you asked me a few months ago. You asked me whether I had a dream of my own, outside of my marriage and family, and I gave you a flippant, yet appropriate answer for the First Lady of an esteemed church. That’s because I wanted to shush you before you awakened those dreams. Truth is, I wanted to dance, Shiloh. Professionally, in New York. So it’s no surprise to me that you had artistic musical tendencies, and Jessica has a public speaking, motivational platform. I see myself in both of you, and even in Dayna’s desire to touch others through her administrative and nursing gifts. I was a talented dancer, and my teachers growing up always said so. I moved audiences. I lifted their spirits with my performances. I saw it and I felt it.
“But my father wasn’t having it. He was a church deacon and diehard Christian who stayed angry with my mother for years for even putting me in dance classes. So when I graduated from high school and had a chance to audition for a prominent dance company in Washington, DC, that could help pay my way to Howard University, Daddy wouldn’t buy me a ticket to go. He used that money to take me along to a church convention in Memphis with him and my mother. I met your father on the second day of that weeklong conference, and truthfully, I fell in love the minute he took my hand and kissed it, before he even said hello. We courted long distance for about six months, and, well, you know the rest. I became his wife, he was hired to lead a small Tennessee church, and eventually got the call to come to Atchity.
“I shared all of that to let
you know that yes, I had dreams, and some of them did die. But your father became a new dream, and you children were a blessing. So even when life doesn’t take the path you believe is best, God can give you beauty from ashes in every situation. I’ve asked myself ‘what if’ about dancing; but if I had gone that route and never met your father, I’d have a whole other set of ‘what ifs.’ Please share with me what you will, and even before you begin, know that I love you and I’ll stand by you, no matter what.”
“Even if it ain’t pretty?” Shiloh asked, grateful to know more about Mama—finally.
“As ugly as it can get, I’m ready.” Mama took Shiloh’s hand in hers and kissed it.
Shiloh took a deep breath, and began. “Eighteen years ago, the spring that I turned twenty …”
seventy-three
The ride to Birmingham later that morning was filled with laughter and singing and remembering good times from the past. But when Shiloh pulled up to the mini-mansion that bore the address Lem had punched into the GPS system as Lia’s, they fell silent.
“Wow,” Lem said from the backseat. “I had no idea.”
Shiloh looked at Mama, who sat in the passenger seat, staring at the brick Georgian-style home situated on what must be three acres of land.
“God is good,” Mama said. “His blessings come in all shapes and sizes, but he loves us all the same. This house is beautiful, Lem, but you know as well as your mother and I do the problems and issues this family has faced, despite the material trappings. Don’t go in there feeling insecure because of what they possess or drive; Lia cares about you because you’re you. That hasn’t changed, so don’t you go changing.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Lem said.
Shiloh found herself grateful that after hearing the details that morning, Mama had invited herself along. “Leslie is going to be there surrounded by her family. You need a prayer warrior with you, to show them that no matter what, someone has your back,” Mama had said. “What time are we leaving?”
And here they were, about to face down Shiloh’s final demon together, and release Lem to love this girl if he loved her, but to also see his mother accept responsibility for her actions.
“Let’s go,” Shiloh said.
Lem stepped out of the van first and opened the door for his grandmother and then for Shiloh. He squeezed Shiloh’s hand before releasing it, but didn’t utter a word. Again, she found herself grateful.
Lia came out to greet them before they made it up the winding, cobblestone sidewalk. “You’re here!”
She trotted down the lane to meet them, and took turns embracing each of them—starting with Mama, then Shiloh, then Lem. Shiloh wasn’t sure what, if anything, Lem had shared with Lia, but she didn’t seem upset or uncomfortable. That made Shiloh uncomfortable, wondering if now she’d be breaking news to this sweet girl that would shake her confidence in Lem. She stole a quick glance at Lem, and he gave her a thumbs-up. Shiloh didn’t know exactly what that meant, but she knew she had to stay on mission, no matter what.
Lia led them inside, and the foursome paused in a breathtaking foyer that featured a twelve-foot ceiling and a gorgeous chandelier. This time she wanted to utter, “Wow,” as Lem had upon their arrival, but she held it in.
A gray-haired man with long white sideburns appeared from a doorway off to the side and approached Mama and Shiloh with his hand extended. He was wearing a collared shirt and slacks with suspenders, and looked as if he were ready for a day at the office, although Lem had informed Shiloh that both of Lia’s grandparents were retired.
“William Hamilton,” he said and shook the ladies’ hands first. “Welcome. So nice to see you.” He turned toward Lem and shook his hand, too. “Young man—nice to see you again.”
A few seconds later, his wife joined them. “Well, hello and welcome!” She was petite and stout, and also silver-haired, though it was in a stylish bun. She hugged the ladies and Lem. “I’m Marian Hamilton. Lia, William, why do you have these folks standing in here? You all come on in and make yourselves at home. Follow me.”
She led them to an expansive sitting room that housed two sofas, a baby grand piano, and floor-to-ceiling windows.
“You have a beautiful home, Mrs. Hamilton,” Shiloh said, accepting that they must not recognize or remember her from their visits to Leslie at Birmingham-Southern. She didn’t know whether to remind them now, or just let it be. After a few minutes, she decided the latter choice would be the wisest course, for the time being. “Thank you for allowing us to visit today, so the kids could spend some time together.”
Marian showed them to their seats and offered them iced tea. “I’m glad we could get them together,” Marian said as she poured the beverages. “Thank you for offering to bring Lem; that gives us more time to spend with our daughter, Leslie, before she has to leave.”
Shiloh looked at them again to see if there was any hint of recognition, and Marian smiled at her. “Yes, dear, I remember you from Birmingham-Southern,” she said and sat across from Shiloh. “Your name is so pretty and unusual—how could I forget you, or that pretty face? After all that happened that summer … with Leslie and all … we just lost track of everything and everyone.”
Her candor surprised Shiloh. There was no guilt or shame in her voice, just an acceptance of reality. Shiloh wondered how long it had taken her to get there. Before she could reflect on it further, a tall, thin, copper-brown woman with high cheekbones, deep-set eyes, and hair that flowed past her shoulders strolled into the room, her hands tucked casually in her pockets. She looked photo-shoot ready in her fitted jeans, white collared shirt, and cowboy boots.
Shiloh’s thoughts and words left her. Looking at Leslie took her back to the last time she’d seen her at Birmingham-Southern, sitting on her bed in their dorm room, defeated, distraught, and hopeless about her future. This woman was beautiful, but she looked older than her thirty-eight years, and her eyes held a sadness that looked unshakable. Shiloh flung herself back into the pit of shame that Mama warned her would resurface.
Shiloh hadn’t expected it to happen so swiftly; then again, there should have been no expectations at all. She didn’t know what Leslie would say or do, or how she would respond to Shiloh being in her home or her presence, after all these years. She just didn’t know.
Everyone seemed to be waiting with bated breath to see what would happen next. Leslie finally sliced the roomful of tension with her quirky humor. “Why so somber? So silent? Ya’ll act like I’m going to pull out a machete or something.”
No one laughed.
“Okay, a water gun?”
Marian sighed, and Lem and Lia looked away. Marian said, “Leslie—let’s not behave this way.”
“Mother, can’t you take a joke? I didn’t mean anything by it.” She pulled her hands from her pocket and sat on the sofa near her mother, staring at Shiloh.
“So your son and my daughter just happen to meet at camp and just happen to fall in love,” Leslie said and barked a laugh. “First, you stole my life, now your son wants to steal my daughter’s heart. You Wilsons gotta be watched. Lia, keep an eye on him!”
Marian frowned and pursed her lips, but she didn’t try to stop her daughter. Lia peered at her clasped hands in her lap. Shiloh remembered two things as she tried to remain calm: Leslie was still in rehab, only home for the holidays, so she still had a lot to work through, and secondly, she had stolen this woman’s music, and in doing so, killed Leslie’s dreams and hopes for a safe summer right along with it. How had she expected to be greeted?
Leslie seemed curious about Shiloh’s level of calmness.
“Where did life take you, Shiloh Griffin? I’d expected to see your name in lights somewhere by now. Did motherhood slow you down?”
Shiloh ignored the taunt just so she could say what needed to be said first, and most: “I’m sorry, Leslie. For everything.”
Leslie’s eyes grew wide. “Everything?” she whispered in almost childlike wonder, and the depth of her former roommat
e’s illness filled Shiloh with sadness.
“Everything, Leslie. Stealing the music, taking the fellowship knowing I had cheated, and how it could have saved you. Not coming to your rescue that summer when I saw you on a street corner you should have been nowhere near. I am sorry for being the deceitful, selfish person I was, and taking what should have rightfully been yours. I don’t know if you can, but I’m asking you to forgive me. I’m not that person anymore, but I own that she was me, and what I did was absolutely wrong.”
Leslie bowed her head, and when she looked up, into Shiloh’s eyes, her own were glistening.
“Do you know how long I’ve waited to receive that apology? I thought it would never come, and now that it has … it still isn’t enough.”
Shiloh’s heart sank. She didn’t know what else to say, or do.
Mama reached for her hand, while addressing Leslie. “Sweetheart, I don’t know if you remember meeting me or seeing me a few times when we visited Shiloh at Birmingham-Southern,” Mama said. Leslie’s soft shrug was neither a yes nor a no, but Mama continued. “Dear, I’m so sorry for what my daughter did to you. She was wrong—plain and simple, no excuses. And if she didn’t have the strength of character to do the right thing back then, I wished you would have had the courage to turn her in. It would have been a huge embarrassment for her, but it might have saved you, and your need to win that fellowship.”
Mama looked at Marian, and Shiloh knew she was pondering whether Leslie had told her mother about the abuse she declared her grandfather was inflicting upon her at the time. If Leslie had, Marian seemed unfazed. Leslie looked away, and Shiloh suspected that the secret still thrived. Knowing how freeing it had been to share her past with her husband, and just yesterday with Mama, she realized in large part, that might be what had prevented Leslie’s full recovery all this time—those demons that still haunted her from the abuse, as well as Shiloh’s betrayal. Shiloh wished she could have a private moment with Leslie to share that, but it didn’t look like they’d have the opportunity.
Lead Me Home Page 26
