by Maya Banks
“I wasn’t afraid,” she choked out. “I don’t know if it was a memory or just a random dream.”
“Then why did it upset you so much?” Merrick persisted. “Elle, can you look at us, baby?”
She kept her head down, hot tears sliding down her cheeks. She was a complete head case. Why would such a happy dream cause her so much distress? Shouldn’t she be relieved that someone out there had cared about her? That she’d cared about someone else?
But if she’d been so damn happy, and this man in her dream had cared about her and knew her so intimately, then why had she blocked him out, and why wasn’t he looking for her?
She wiped at her cheeks, not wanting them to see her crying. The muttered curses that echoed so close to her told her she hadn’t been successful.
Strong arms surrounded her, pulling her in close. Merrick tucked her head underneath his chin and rubbed his hand in a small circle over her back.
Disgusted with herself, she muttered, “I ruined the whole day.”
“No you didn’t,” Merrick said quietly. “We still have the day. You slept an hour. Not long at all. We can do whatever you want. If you want to go home, just say the word.”
She shook her head. “I want to stay here with you and Cade. It’s a beautiful day. I don’t want it ruined because I’m a basket case.”
“Shhh,” he admonished. “Just sit here a while until you get your bearings.”
Slowly she raised her head up and gazed over to where Cade stood just beside the rock she and Merrick were sitting on. He was holding a brownie.
Staring at the offering, she teared up all over again. She had the two most wonderful men in the world, and it shouldn’t matter to her who she’d dreamed about.
That was her past. These men were her present. And her future. They were who mattered. Not some faceless, nameless ghost in her past. Someone who could have been the person who’d raped and tried to kill her.
“Don’t cry,” Cade said in a low voice. “You’re going to kill me, sweetheart.”
She took the brownie and sent him a watery smile. “Thank you. I love the brownies.”
“And I love you,” Cade said simply.
Her eyes widened, and she stared agape at his blunt declaration.
Taking advantage of her lapse in speech, he leaned in and kissed her lips.
How it must look to others, her snuggled firmly into Merrick’s embrace while Cade kissed her.
She didn’t care.
All she cared about was those three little words. Words so sweet that they echoed through her mind.
“Do you mean it?” she whispered, pulling away so they were just a breath apart.
He touched her face and then ran his thumb across her swollen bottom lip. “I don’t make a habit of saying shit I don’t mean.”
She kissed him again. This time she was the aggressor, going in to claim his mouth. She tasted the chocolate on his tongue, absorbed the heat of his lips. Deeper and deeper until she was drowning in…desire.
It hit her with speed that surprised her. After so much fear, so much hesitation. So much worry that she’d never be able to be intimate with him and Merrick.
She’d responded to them both emotionally. But physically? She enjoyed their kisses. Soaked up their touch like a parched desert desperate for rain. But she hadn’t felt the razor-sharp edge of desire, the yearning so deep in her body that it was nearly painful and yet so wonderfully good all at the same time.
Her nipples tightened. Her breasts ached. A pulse began between her legs that had her squirming to alleviate the tension.
When Cade drew away, he was breathing hard, and his eyes were glazed with the same passion she was experiencing. And still, there was a heavy layer of tension between them. The thick, pulsing arc of electricity that vibrated through the air.
Merrick’s hand coaxed up her back eliciting a bone-deep shiver. She was hyper aware. It was as if her body had left its latent stage and shed every ounce of fear and reluctance. She recognized, in Cade and Merrick, men she could trust. And did trust. Her mind knew it, but her body had been slower to respond.
“I’d like to go home now,” she said, her voice laced with the hum of arousal they couldn’t possibly miss.
Cade held out his hand. “Come on then. Let’s go home.”
C H A P T E R N I N T E E N
ELLE SLID HER HAND INTO Merrick’s as they walked back toward the SUV while Cade carried the picnic basket and walked on her other side.
Cade popped the back of the SUV and tossed the basket in, just as Elle caught a glimpse of a uniformed police officer walking in their direction.
She froze, her heart speeding up until it was pounding like a jackhammer. Her hands grew clammy, and sweat popped out on her forehead until it was slick, and she got an overwhelming feeling of sickness in her belly.
Merrick looked at her, brows furrowed, and he was about to say something when the police officer called out to them.
“Cade! Merrick! Hey, how are you guys?”
Merrick and Cade both swiveled in the direction of the cop and offered welcoming smiles.
“Hey, Greg, how’s it going?” Cade offered as he extended his hand to shake the other man’s.
Panic scuttled up Elle’s spine until she was literally shaking. Her knees threatened to buckle, and she stood, stock-still, praying to be taken away from the situation.
Merrick shoved forward to shake the cop’s hand but inserted his body between her and Greg so she was hidden from view.
Cold crept over her, leaving her numb and so scared that she couldn’t process the simplest thought. The three men conversed. Exchanged pleasantries. Greg enthusiastically offered his opinion that Merrick was going to kick Lash’s ass. It went on and on until the world spun in a crazy circle around her.
Stupid, interfering bitch. You just had to stick your nose where it didn’t belong. He can’t save you this time. You’re a dead woman. But first I’m going to have you so that the last face you see is mine while I fuck you like the whore you are.
Her stomach heaved, and she locked her jaw so she didn’t fall apart right here in the middle of the parking lot.
She wasn’t going to be able to hold it together for much longer. She yanked her head around, desperately searching for a place she could be sick in private. Everything she’d eaten at lunch had bunched into a tight ball and weighed a ton in her stomach.
Saliva pooled in her mouth, and when she swallowed it back, it made her even more nauseated.
No longer able to maintain any semblance of normalcy, she broke and made a run for the public bathrooms that were about fifty yards away.
She burst inside, uncaring of who was there or if anyone could see her. She yanked open a stall and barely made it to the toilet before she was violently ill.
Her stomach convulsed and heaved. She shuddered over and over, the retching still continuing even when she’d emptied her stomach of its contents.
The door flew open, and Merrick pushed inside the bathroom, his hands immediately going to her hair as he pulled it away from her face.
He didn’t say anything. Thank God. He just stood there, his hand on her back, rubbing a soothing pattern until finally she stopped the horrible gagging and her stomach unknotted.
Her knees buckled, and she would have hit the floor, but Merrick caught her, anchoring her to his side as he helped her from the stall. He guided her toward the sink, where he wet several paper towels and applied them to her face.
Then he handed her a bottle of water and said, “Here. Rinse your mouth out.”
She did as he instructed, numb to everything else. She performed robotically, like she was a programmable thing. Then she folded her arms over the sink and lowered her head to her wrists, resting there as she took in huge gulps of air.
“What the fuck is going on, Elle?”
Cade’s low voice cut through the horrific buzzing in her head.
“Sorry,” she croaked. “Just want to go home. I
s he gone?”
She picked her head up long enough to see Merrick and Cade exchange quick glances.
“Baby, Greg is a friend. He doesn’t know a thing about you, and he won’t. You have our word on that. He just wanted to shoot the shit a minute,” Merrick offered.
Frustration was sharp and consuming. “Logically I know that. I do. I told you I’m a mess. I tried to warn you about what you’re getting into.”
“Stop. Just stop,” Cade said sharply.
She went silent, her eyes widening at the look on his face.
“Now take a deep breath for me and relax.”
She inhaled deeply through her nose and let it out her mouth in a noisy rush.
“That’s better. Now, let us worry about what we’re getting into,” he said in a calm tone. “Merrick and I are big boys. We know what we’re doing. Stop worrying about what we think or feel and concentrate on what’s scaring the hell out of you so bad. Can you remember anything at all? Anything that we can use to help you?”
She shook her head, despair creeping over her shoulders, slumping them downward with its weight. “Just him. Again. And words. What he said to me. Oh God. He hated me. He wanted to punish me. He told me he’d kill me but first he was going to fuck me like the whore I was so that the last face I saw was his as he raped me.”
“Son of a bitch,” Cade swore, fury laced in every word.
“Can you picture him?” Merrick asked gently. “Can you remember anything that would help us identify him?”
Panic slammed into her, nearly knocking her to her knees. She shook her head violently, refusing to remember, not wanting to remember. God, if she put a face to the monster, then she’d never rid herself of that image. Of him over her, hurting her, violating her and hating her with every breath.
“It’ll come,” Merrick said quietly. “When you’re ready, it’ll come.”
She nodded slowly, taking in the words and holding them like a talisman. Even as a voice whispered in the back of her mind that she didn’t want it to come. She never wanted it to come. What would it solve? And who would believe her if she could remember him? If she sought justice for what he’d done, if she could actually put a face and a name to her attacker, who would take the word of an amnesiac who had a tenuous hold on her sanity?
Damned if she did. Damned if she didn’t. All she wanted was to forget. Or rather not remember, since she had nothing to forget except those words. Such hate-filled words. Was it someone she knew? Had someone she’d trusted betrayed her? Or had it been a random act of violence?
No. It couldn’t be random. The man knew her. He’d said he wanted what he was having. Some other man. Her lover? Boyfriend? Husband?
Oh God, the idea of having a husband filled her with panic all over again. How could she commit to Cade and Merrick when she didn’t even know if she was already legally committed to another man?
Cade pulled her into his arms and hugged her tightly. It was purely comforting. There was nothing sexual about his hold. It told her more than words that he was there and that he wasn’t going anywhere and that she could get through anything with his and Merrick’s help.
She grabbed on to that silent promise.
“Let’s go home now,” he said gently. “I think you’ve had enough excitement for one day.”
She nodded her agreement. Just the idea of being back in the place she felt so safe bolstered her spirits.
Single file, her lodged between Cade and Merrick, she walked out of the bathroom. Once outside, they adjusted so they flanked her on either side as they strode toward the truck.
Merrick opened the door for her, and she slid into the front seat, next to Cade. Merrick climbed in back, and Cade wasted no time pulling out of the parking lot.
She sighed in relief and rested her head against the window, closing her eyes as they drove away from the beauty of the lake. Some things were more beautiful for what they offered. The modest home that Cade and Merrick shared was the most beautiful spot in the world to her. It stood for all the things she needed most.
Comfort. Security. Protection.
Love.
Her sanctuary. Her place to just be. No questions. No demands. No intrusion from the outside world.
Cade reached for her hand, but she didn’t react. He curled his fingers tightly around hers and squeezed. A simple reminder that he had her back. She squeezed back, sending him the silent thank you.
He loved her.
It was almost too much to comprehend. How could he love her? He didn’t even know the real her. What if he didn’t like the real Elle? What if the old Elle was someone nothing like the new Elle?
What if she remembered everything tomorrow and discovered she was a terrible person?
She couldn’t lose Cade and Merrick. No matter what or who she was in the past, it was never too late to be someone else. Was it?
Bone deep weariness assailed her. She felt as wrung out as an old dishrag. There was nothing more she wanted than to stumble into bed and stay there. She wanted to forget today ever happened. Wanted to wipe the dream from her mind and memory and to erase the horrible panic she’d endured when the police officer had walked her way.
Even now, a curl of nausea twisted her stomach into knots all over again.
When they rolled up in the driveway, she opened her door, desperate to be out and to go inside, close the door and shut herself off from the rest of the world.
She knew she was in huge denial of her situation. She knew that this wasn’t a long-term solution to her problem. But she wasn’t equipped to deal with her past right now. Maybe down the road. But not now.
“I want to go lie down,” she murmured as Cade and Merrick followed her inside.
Merrick touched her clammy face, frowning as he drew his hand away. But he didn’t say anything. Just simply nodded and then leaned forward to press a kiss to her forehead.
“I’ll check in on you later,” he said.
She nodded and walked down the hall to the small bedroom she occupied. Not even bothering to undress, she crawled beneath the covers and curled her knees to her chest so she was in a protective ball. She pulled the covers to her chin and closed her eyes, praying she wouldn’t dream.
C H A P T E R T W E N T Y
MERRICK SAT IN THE DARKNESS, brooding silently as he listened to the rain patter against the roof. A weather system had moved in—a cold front—in the latter portion of the afternoon while Elle was sleeping.
Today he’d done something he’d never done. He’d cancelled a training session. Dakota had called, worried. And then Catherine had called on her husband’s heels. He’d known, though, that he ran the risk of being injured if he sparred because his concentration was shot to hell. He was focused on the woman curled up in the bed in the next room.
He’d checked in on her twice, worried that she’d remained sequestered in her room. But each time, she’d been deeply asleep. She hadn’t so much as moved from the spot she’d curled up in.
He didn’t know what to do or if there was anything to be done. He was tired of the patience route. He wasn’t one to sit around and spout psychological bullshit. Elle was on the verge of cracking, and he was helpless to do anything but sit and watch.
Maybe he and Cade were wrong to discount her fears of her past. It was easy to say her past didn’t matter and that they were her future. But the truth was, until they knew exactly what was in her past, they had no idea what they were dealing with.
And if she’d been in trouble with the police, they could have a clusterfuck on their hands.
A noise in the hallway alerted him, and he turned his head to look over his shoulder to see Elle shuffling toward the kitchen.
“Finally awake, sleepyhead?” he called out in a teasing voice that he hoped covered his relief at seeing her.
She ignored him and continued on, disappearing from view. There was something off about her. The way she walked. She never even reacted to his voice, and if she hadn’t been aware of his presen
ce, he should have startled her.
Frowning, he pushed himself up from the armchair and started toward the kitchen only to hear the door slam shut.
What the hell?
He charged into the kitchen only to find Elle gone. He glanced toward the door and saw the silhouette of her body heading through the garage.
“What the ever-loving fuck,” he muttered.
He yanked open the door just in time to see Elle walk from the confines of the garage straight out into the rain.
“Elle! Elle!” he yelled.
He sprinted out of the garage, flinching when the cold rain pelted his face. Elle had stopped at the end of the walkway and stared sightlessly into the street. God, what if he hadn’t been up to see her walk out of the house? She could have been killed!
He grasped her shoulders and steered her back toward the house. She blinked in surprise and then seemed to come back to reality.
She stared up at him, rain sluicing down her face. Her hair was bedraggled and soaked through.
“Merrick?” she asked in confusion. “Why are we standing in the rain?”
She looked down, holding her arms out as her clothing dripped water, and then back up at him in bewilderment.
“Come on, let’s get you back inside,” he said in a grim voice.
He herded her back through the garage and into the kitchen.
“Stay right where you are. Let me grab a towel.”
He ducked into the small laundry room and pulled a towel from the dryer. When he returned to Elle, she was shivering, partly from cold, but she seemed to be in shock.
He wrapped the towel around her and rubbed vigorously.
“We need to get you out of these clothes and into a hot shower.”
She allowed him to lead her toward the bathroom. Her expression was still mostly blank, as if she had no idea what had just transpired. He sat her down on the closed toilet seat and then turned on the shower.
“What happened, Elle?” he asked as he started removing her shirt.
He hoped if he could get her talking that she wouldn’t focus on the fact that he was stripping her down to nothing. He didn’t want her to freak out, and it was entirely possible given her current emotional state.
