by Alexa Davis
I truly felt like I was the lucky one to have her in my life. She had opened my eyes a lot. I parted my lips to say that, but I could feel something else threatening to come out. The secret that I’d been keeping inside was almost too much, and it wanted to come out. I couldn’t tell Mrs. Stedman that I’d kissed Mark; I didn’t want her to look at me any differently. She would judge me, and I couldn’t blame her I judged myself.
“Yeah, well, I hope so,” I eventually whispered. “I want her to be happy.”
I made a mental decision to order takeaway tonight rather than cooking. I couldn’t face standing in that kitchen again with all those memories flooding me. I needed to just stop thinking about the kiss. Just forget about how it felt to have his lips pressing against mine. Simply stop thinking about it forever more. Every time that it cropped into my brain, I needed to shove it to one side as if it was nothing.
“You are on the right track anyway.” Mrs. Stedman nodded seriously as she dragged her eyes away from Justine. “So, whatever it is you’re doing, keep it up. Do whatever you can to stay in that girl’s life.”
Everything aside from kissing the boss. Simple. Easy peasy.
“I will.” I smiled thinly. “I’ll do what I can to make her life as happy as I can.”
Chapter Seventeen
Mark
‘Hi, Dad, what time will you be home? We’re getting takeaway. J x’
I stared at the text wondering what to do about it. I could easily tell her that I wasn’t going to be home on time and for them to eat without me like I usually would. In the past, I wouldn’t have hesitated to put the office first, but there was something stopping my thumbs from racing out those words. There was a part of me that wanted to go back for some takeaway food with the family. Even the awkwardness with Olivia didn’t change that.
“Holden, you don’t need me to stay late tonight, do you?” I asked him in a forced innocent tone.
He cocked his head and gave me a look. “No, not necessarily. Why? You got big plans?”
I shrugged and didn’t really give him anything. “Not necessarily. Just wanted to see Justine. I said that I would do some homework with her. She’s asked me assist her with some math because I’m good at numbers.”
“You?” Holden snorted and teased me. “Seriously? Does she know what she’s getting herself into?”
“Oh, haha.” I shook my head and smirked. “So, do you need me or not? Is it okay if I leave?”
“It’s fine… but did you ever book your plane ticket for Australia? I forgot to ask you. I didn’t do it at the same time as mine because you were sick and I didn’t know if you’d be better or not, but you are…”
“Oh.” Much as some days in the burning hot Australian sun sounded appealing, I didn’t feel like I wanted to leave. There was something deep inside of me that felt like I was in the middle of a good thing with Justine and I didn’t want to let that go yet. It might be fine, but if I left right now, it could screw things up. “Right, well…”
“Do you not want to come?” I could see that this confused Holden. “You don’t have to; I can hack it alone.”
“Erm.” I felt like a dick for letting him down, but this seemed like the right move. “I don’t know if I can. Things with Justine have been… well…” I hadn’t exactly opened up about my strained family life, but Holden probably knew anyway. “It’s been getting better, and I don’t want to make a mess of things.”
I glanced down at the floor while I waited for him to answer. It took a few moments, Holden seemed to be absolutely stunned into silence which made me feel even worse. He could hack it, we both knew that. Each of us had done meetings on our own when the other person had stuff going on, but this was different. I was turning it down. I was making a choice to put something else first. It wasn’t like me at all, and he knew it.
“Oh, right, well that’s okay.” Holden finally patted me on the arm. “You do what you need to do.”
I smiled up at him gratefully, glad to have such an awesome friend and business partner. Of course, there had been hiccups along the way; things like this never ran smoothly all the time, but we got through it all.
“Right, well I better go.” I waved my cell phone at him. “Justine needs me, so… I’ll see you when you get back. Erm, have a good time in Oz, okay? Let me know how things go.”
‘I’m on my way now,’ I text Justine back quickly. ‘So, I’m looking forward to having takeaway x’
I knew that there should be some sense of panic coiling through me as I left the office and I walked towards the car. I had just taken a huge step there, putting my family life first. For other people, that might be the obvious choice to pick, but for me, it wasn’t. Work was everything; it had been everything. It had been everything for as long as I could remember. It got me through more than one rough patch, and I loved it. But actually, I felt surprisingly okay with my choice. I didn’t feel like I would be missing out on anything with Oz.
This is positive, I thought to myself as I pulled the car into gear. I feel like this is good.
It wasn’t without its own issues, I still wasn’t any nearer to making things less crazy with Olivia, but that wasn’t my main priority. It couldn’t be, not when Justine needed me. Putting her first felt good. It felt like something I should have been doing for the whole time, but now I was finally there. Better late than never.
I turned the radio up and found myself singling as I drove. That was a first in a very long time. Usually, my drives were tense and silent, or I was on some conference call or another. I felt calm and relaxed. I wasn’t sure what Olivia had done the moment that she stepped into our lives, but nothing was the same anymore. I certainly wasn’t expecting this to happen when I first met her. I thought she would be suitable, of course I did, or I wouldn’t have hired her, but I didn’t think she would shift my entire world. What the hell was going to happen next?
I pulled the car up into my parking spot, and I stared up at the building, wondering what I was about to walk into. Justine hadn’t been at school, she had been out with Olivia, which probably meant that she would be happy again. I loved seeing her that way, but it was taking a while to get used to. That smile was everything though.
Right, get inside, I told myself. You didn’t leave work early to sit out here.
I pushed myself out of the car and walked with a confident swagger towards the building. Immediately, I found Lincoln sitting behind his desk giving me a grin. “Good afternoon there, Lincoln. How are you today?”
“I’m good. We had a very happy, bouncy little girl in here earlier. I think she’s had a wonderful day.”
People were starting to notice the change in Justine, which was really something. In the past, people would avoid talking about her, and I knew the reason why. People didn’t know how to address her constant frown. But now, she was so happy that people wanted to mention her… it was an incredible change.
“Ah yes, Olivia took her to the Natural History Museum. I’m glad they had fun.”
“That nanny of yours…” Lincoln chuckled and shook his head. “She’s something else, isn’t she?”
I nodded, agreeing with him in more ways than one. Olivia was still the woman who consumed me. Even as I tried to flirt with Rose, the barmaid, and I considered hooking up with her, I couldn’t do it. She was pretty, and very nice too, but not the one for me. I couldn’t even take her in the back room and have some fun. Even as I considered it, my brain blocked the plan completely. It was all about Olivia still. I spent the night drinking my misery away and I’d felt a little bit like shit ever since. Hungover and not quite myself.
“Yeah, she’s a great girl. Really good for Justine. Talking of which I need to get up there…”
“Oh, of course. You carry on. I shall see you soon, Mark.”
I stepped into the elevator and rested my weary head against the wall while it took me up to the top floor. I still felt very glad that I’d taken this step, but I knew for sure that everything wo
uld be a whole lot simpler if I was about to step into my bedroom and pack for Australia. That, I was used to. Sticking around was harder.
It’ll be fine, I tried to convince myself. Start with the math homework and go from there.
The elevator dinged and the doors pinged open, and instantly I was hit by the musical sound of laughter. Both Olivia and Justine were sharing a joke and sounding very happy about it. It was a noise that truly warmed me up.
“Hello?” I called out, hoping that today Justine wouldn’t give me a glare. “I’m home!”
“Oh, Dad. Come into the kitchen!” Justine yelled back. “We got a takeaway and there’s some for you.”
Now that was a nicer reaction; I could handle that! I made my way into the kitchen with almost a skip in my step. There, the wonderful spicy smell of Thai food filled my nostrils. I was shocked; I didn’t think Justine would venture out so wildly… but then she was doing lots to shock me recently.
“Something smells good,” I told them both. “Like, really good. Just what I need tonight.”
“Well, you take a seat and I will bring it to you,” Olivia said, almost looking right at me.
Without her staring right back at me, I felt like I could look at her freely, and she truly was beautiful. I mean, really stunning. I’d noticed it before, but in a disinterested way, but now my feelings were deep and powerful. Her inner beauty shone through and made every single one of her features even more stunning than before. The wisps of her hair, the brightness to her eyes, the smattering of freckles on her cheeks. I still liked her. I liked her even more than before. The urge to grab her and kiss her again was getting unbearable. If I wasn’t careful, I would end up doing something very out of character and taking her into my bedroom to… well, to do what I shouldn’t.
“So, erm, Justine…” I needed to say something to break the atmosphere. “How was the museum?”
She babbled away excitedly, telling me about every aspect of the museum in great detail, which wasn’t like the monosyllabic girl that I was used to. It used to be like dragging blood from a stone to get her to say anything. Maybe if I’d spent less time at work, this would have happened so much sooner.
‘Well, durr!’ my brain screamed at me in a voice that sounded suspiciously like my mothers. ‘That’s freaking obvious, and something that everyone tried their damn hardest to tell you!’
“When we’ve finished eating, shall we start that homework?” I asked Justine once she finished.
“Oh yeah, aren’t you going away this weekend? I saw it on the calendar.”
Olivia’s eyes almost bugged out of her head in shock, but she only looked more stunned when I answered.
“No. I was supposed to be going to Australia, but I’m not anymore. Holden is going without me.”
“You’re not going?” Justine almost yelled. “Why aren’t you going? You always go!”
I could feel Olivia’s eyes piercing violently into my skin, but I refused to turn and look. “I just have things that I need to do here, and that includes your math homework, okay, kiddo?”
As Justine rolled her eyes at me I felt a smug sense of satisfaction. I almost wanted to turn to Olivia and mock her. ‘See, I can put my daughter first; you aren’t right about everything okay.’ But of course, I couldn’t. How could I say anything like that when there was all this weird tension flinging in the air?
“Well, if my homework is so important to you, I’ll go and get it now. Be right back.”
Leaving Olivia and me alone wasn’t the best idea. Almost right away things felt strange, almost painfully uncomfortable, but then she slid up from her seat, and she walked from the room without saying a word, not even looking at me, and I found it worse by myself. Even when it was weird, I much preferred having Olivia by my side. Yep, this was really bad news.
Chapter Eighteen
Olivia
Saturday
This is an actual day off, I thought as I stared up at the ceiling. I can do whatever I want to.
That should’ve been good news, but it wasn’t really, mostly because I didn’t know what to do with it. There were still many things that I wanted to do in New York, but it was unexpected. I was supposed to be with Justine, Mark was supposed to be in Australia, but now he was taking her out, so I was free as a bird. Why didn’t I have that happy sensation inside of me? Why didn’t I feel like the luckiest person in the world? When I was back at home, and I used to dream about being in The Big Apple, it was never like this.
I sighed and turned onto my side, glancing at the clock as I did. It was still so damn early, not even eight o clock, which was ridiculous. I could have had a lie in, get some proper rest, but no. Of course not. I couldn’t get back to sleep now; my brain had been wired and on fire for ages. I had no choice but to get up.
I grabbed a robe and threw it over my body before padding through the apartment into the kitchen. Mark and Justine were already there, eating pancakes, and judging by the spare plate there was some for me.
“Ah good morning.” Mark looked happy to see me. “I wasn’t sure if you would wake up on time, but I wanted to make you something to eat in case. You’re always taking care of me in the mornings, so it’s only fair.”
Taking care… there was something about those words which chilled me. They sounded more like a description of a relationship than a boss and employee. Or maybe I was just being over sensitive because of what had happened. It was possible. I did still feel very jittery and on edge about it all. The kiss remained prominent.
“Oh, well thank you.” I took the plate and sat, looking down the entire time. “That’s very kind of you.”
“My dad is taking me to see The Lion King on Broadway today,” Justine announced with a smile. “Have you ever seen it? I watched the movie but now I’m going to see it for real. On a stage.”
Mark chuckled at her enthusiasm. “Do you want to come with us? It could be fun?”
Going to Broadway was one hundred percent on my to-do list, but I needed a break from Mark. Spending more time with him in a way that felt anything similar to romance was too much; I couldn’t handle it. Plus, it would be better for them to spend some time alone. They needed this as much as I needed to be away.
“Oh, no, thank you.” I shook my head. “That’s very kind of you, but I have plans.”
“Plans? I see. You’ve made some friends already? I’m not surprised; you’re so amiable.”
There it was. Mark had hit the nail on the head without even trying. This was my issue, why New York wasn’t quite working out for me the way that I hoped it would. The work was fine, I enjoyed it, and it fulfilled me, but I didn’t have anything of a life outside of it. I had no friends, no one to speak to. I’d been through something monumental when it came to the kiss with Mark, and I had no one to discuss it with, no one to give me advice. I had spent too much time feeling lonely, and I wanted that to change. But how could I make that happen?
Making friends as a kid was simple enough, you went to school for that, it was fine, but as an adult, the way new people came into a person’s life was through work. Unfortunately for me, my work left me without people to casually socialize with until they became friends. I couldn’t just go out there and chat with people. The only person who had shown me any real friendliness since I arrived here was the guy from the cake shop. Would it be totally tragic of me to go back there to speak to him again? I didn’t want to give him the message that I was interested in him, my love life was complicated enough, but I just wanted a friend.
“Hmm, yes, friends.” I couldn’t let Mark think that I was a sad case. “That’s it. sure.”
“You have friends?” Trust Justine to see right through the rouse. “I don’t know them.”
I didn’t want to answer that; I wasn’t sure that I could without falling apart, so I scraped my chair back, made some innocuous comment about needing to get ready, and I left to get myself showered and dressed. Thank God they would be leaving soon to go and see their Broadwa
y show so I could get out without having to speak to them again. I didn’t want to comb through my pitiful existence where I didn’t know how to speak to people my own age anymore. I had spent far too long caring for my parents, putting my own life on hold, and I didn’t know how to restart it again. I didn’t have any resentment for Mom and Dad. I wouldn’t change things for the world; they needed me, and I was there, but I wished I could have a braver side to me who could do this.
You moved to New York on a whim, I reminded myself, needing something. That was brave.
But it didn’t feel brave. Instead, I felt like I was in a state of panic. Moving was one thing, going up and talking to people, strangers at that, trying to make them like me… that was something else. I was going to have to try though unless I wanted to be lonely for even longer. I needed to make my New York dream complete.
***
“Ah, hello again, it’s good to see you.” My heart warmed up as Benji stared intently at me. I could see a happiness in his expression that made me feel good about myself. Admittedly, I came in this bakery to see if Benji was working, purely because he was the only person similar to my age that I’d spoken to. I didn’t really think that he’d recognize me, and it gave me a much-needed confidence boost that he did. “How are you?”
I felt like I had a coat hanger between my lips, my smile was so bright. I could tell from his face that he actually did remember me, and since we only had a brief conversation, that really meant something to me.
“Oh, yeah.” My cheeks heated up. “It’s been good, thank you very much.”
“I haven’t seen you since that day. You must have been very busy.”
His face was sweet, I did find Benji attractive, but I didn’t have that deep-seated pull in the pit of my stomach that I felt around Mark. It wasn’t the same desperate, needy sensation; I didn’t feel like I would die. I knew that if Benji asked me out on a date and I went, it would be a very nice time, he would even be a wonderful boyfriend, but without that intense spark, could it be perfect? I knew what it was like to have that storm brewing inside of me now, and I wasn’t sure that I could continue to live my life without it. It consumed me.
