by Alexa Davis
I spun rapidly as I heard a small, timid sounding knock on the door. That was the knock of a young girl which only meant it could be Justine. I needed to remain strong even with her looking at me like that.
“I’m so sorry, Olivia,” she said to me quietly, her voice all sad and depressed. “I didn’t mean to run.”
“Oh, I know, you said that to me on the way back. It’s fine.” I shook my head. “As long as you’re okay.”
I opened up my arms and waited for her to jump into them. She moved slowly towards me, almost as if she felt hesitant, but when she finally fell against me, she rested her head against my chest. My eyes fell closed, and I held her as if it was my last time, which since I was in the process of going, it probably was. I felt terrible. I hated that I was just another person to let this young girl down, but what else could I do? I had no other choice.
“Why are there bags?” Justine asked, her voice muffled against me. “What’s going on?”
I pulled her back to look her in the eyes. I hadn’t exactly planned what I was going to say, but I owed her an explanation. She hadn’t really done anything wrong. Yes, she had run off, but that was her just vying for the attention she so desperately needed; she didn’t deserve me to go without telling her why.
“I need to get back home,” I told her thickly. “You and Dad need some time alone.”
“No, no, no.” She leaped back and shook her head at me. “You can’t leave. We need you here in Hawaii.”
I sucked in a deep breath and prepared myself to say the next part. “No, I don’t just mean in Hawaii, sweetie. I mean I need to go. You and your dad really don’t need me anymore. You need to be together.”
Justine clung to my arm so hard that her fingers dug into my skin. It pinched, but I bit down on my bottom lip to keep the pain inside. “We don’t want to be without you, Olivia. We want you with us all the time.”
That’s the problem, I reminded myself sadly. I’m too much of a distraction; I always have been.
I stood up, and I grabbed my bag, needing to remain as strong as possible. I had made my decision now; I needed to stick to it no matter what. Going back and forth had led me to be in this mess in the first place. I needed to get away before I allowed this family to get under my skin once more.
“Olivia, please don’t go.” Justine sounded like she was about to cry again. “I don’t understand.”
I leaned down and held onto her shoulders so I could look her in the eye. “Sweetie, sometimes adults have to do things that don’t make a lot of sense. I know this isn’t easy, but trust me, it’s for the best.”
She stared at me, her pupils dancing as the emotion got the better of her. As the tears swam down her cheeks, she turned and ran away from me, leaving me utterly alone in my bedroom and even more confused than ever. I was doing the right thing by going; I had already justified that to myself, so why did I now feel like the worst person in the world? I guess I just had to be the person to take all the hate and blame. Justine was going to need to someone to take all of this out on, and it couldn’t be her father since he was the one who would still be around.
This won’t hurt forever, I reminded myself. Soon I’ll be somewhere else, working for another family. All of this will be a distant memory, and it won’t hurt any longer. I just need to get through this now.
“What’s going on?” Mark demanded as he burst into the room, his eyes flaming with anger. “Why is Justine saying that you’re going all of a sudden? I don’t understand what’s going on…”
His words trailed off as he saw my suitcase all packed and he shook his head sadly. Disappointment flooded him, and I found myself feeling guilty all over again. I was trying so hard to do the right thing; why did it feel so wrong all the time? This rollercoaster of emotions was terribly uncomfortable.
“I think you and Justine need some time alone, that’s all. After what’s happened…”
“That’s not what you said, is it? Justine said you are leaving us forever.” I looked away from him; it was much harder to say to him that I needed to go. “Oh, well, that’s just great, that is. You’re abandoning us.”
As he tossed his hands in the air in frustration, I wanted to scream in anger. Why couldn’t he just understand why I was doing this? There had to be a logical part in his brain that could see the point of this.
“It isn’t like that. I’m not going because I want to, I’m going because it’s better for Justine.”
“Justine needs you here!” Mark exploded. “It’s better for her if you are around.”
“She doesn’t need me.” I shook my head rapidly. “She needs you. Not me. If you hadn’t been so preoccupied with me, then none of this would have happened. She wouldn’t have run away.”
Mark’s head fell into his hands, and I could see the dismay across his face. “Look, what happened, happened. It was unfortunate, but that wasn’t because of me and you. It was because she wanted to do her work.”
“She hadn’t done her work because of us. If we’d focused on her more…”
“You are good for Justine! She doesn’t want you to leave.”
“She was crying out for attention!”
“She is acting like any kid does. Are you telling me you never did anything wrong?”
“Not like that, no! I didn’t run away.” I shook my head to highlight my point. “I wouldn’t.”
“You’re lying! You’re just saying that because you want to go. You’re done with me. It’s an excuse.”
“It isn’t like that; you know it’s not.” I tried to reach out to him, but he was out of reach. “It’s never been like that. I don’t want to leave, but it’s for the best. You know that, right?”
We were both yelling at one another, screaming our points of view without really listening to each other. Mark’s face was red; my breaths were panting and ragged; it was kind of a nightmare, to be honest. All I wanted was for him to try and see my side of things. He was so fucking stubborn!
“We can’t keep sleeping together.” Finally, I went for the jugular. “Especially when it’s because I’m ‘just there.’” I still hadn’t let go of those words yet. “It isn’t wise for any of us.”
Mark stared at me like I’d slapped him in the face. “Are you serious? Is that what you think? Can’t you see that I need you now as well? This isn’t just for Justine; I want you here too. You know that, right?”
I shrugged, pouting out my bottom lip, almost as if I had reverted back to being a bratty teenager. “I don’t know, I mean, you did say to me that you just wanted to have sex because I was there.”
Mark stepped back from me, his expression twisted up as if he was horrified by me. He didn’t recognize me anymore, and I didn’t see who I was anymore either. I felt wild and crazy, like I’d lost my freaking mind,
“I don’t know what to say to you anymore; I really don’t.” He waved his hands in the air as if he was shaking me off. “I can’t keep having this conversation. It’s ridiculous. If you want to go, go; I can’t stop you. You’re clearly going to do whatever the hell you want to regardless of what I say, so just do it. But we’re doing the wildlife report tomorrow, and you promised my daughter that you would help her. The choice is yours.”
As Mark left my room and I found myself alone once more, I fell to the ground; my knees literally gave out from underneath me, and my hands hit the floor. The sobs raced through my body, racking me violently. I couldn’t work out what to do for the best; this was hell. My heart wanted to stay, to be with Justine and Mark, to continue on trying to make this messy situation work, but my head thought it wasn’t wise. My head was still on that plane, trying to escape. Maybe it was time to go back home… my home wasn’t quite sold as yet. I could stop it if I wanted to. I didn’t want to, but it would be much better than facing the music, wouldn’t it?
Oh, for goodness sake, I couldn’t think like that: no way. That just wasn’t an option. I couldn’t run away.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Sunday
My eyes stung from the lack of sleep, but how the hell was I supposed to relax and settle down after yesterday? Not only did Justine give me the scare of my life, I honestly wasn’t sure that I could ever get over that, but then Olivia gave me that spiel about leaving. Just at the God damn moment that I had fully embraced the fact that I might well be in love with her. Sure, it wasn’t logical, it didn’t make any sense for me to be in love with this woman who was younger than me and working with Justine, but that was where it was. My emotions flipped about everywhere as I tried to embrace this cliché, and now I knew for sure that she was the one for me.
Hudson’s announcement threw me, it made me freak out about my own feelings, but that was dumb. His situation had absolutely nothing to do with mine; I needed to just think about me and Olivia, and I wanted her.
But now she might not be here anymore. I hadn’t heard her leave, but that didn’t mean anything. Maybe after the argument last night she decided to creep out, tiptoeing so she wouldn’t alert me to anything. I hated the idea of letting her go, but I couldn’t force her to remain with me. It was completely up to her.
With a sigh, I gave up lying down since I wasn’t getting any sleep anyway, and I padded over to the window. The scene of the beach laying in front of me was beautiful, but now it felt tainted because it was where Justine escaped to when she wanted to run away. Luckily today, I had the foresight to ensure that the door was properly locked and I had all the keys in the room with me. There wasn’t any escaping. I rested my hot forehead against the cooler window, and I slid my eyes closed. Today was do or die, and I wasn’t sure what way it was going to go. I wished I could have held her all night long to ensure that she stayed, but I couldn’t.
It’s time to face the music, I told myself morosely. To see if Olivia is still here or not.
I moved nervously towards the bedroom door and swung it open. I peered my head around and tried to see her, but the entire communal area of the villa was empty. My heart began to race, it pounded in my mouth, my tummy tuned itself over and over while I thought about Justine. I knew that she couldn’t go, but what if she’d climbed out a window to get away from me? I raced towards her bedroom and pushed the door open, only calming down the moment I saw her lying across her bed sheets, asleep without a care in the world.
Oh, thank goodness. I rested my weary body up against the door frame and smiled down at her. She’s okay.
I wasn’t sure that I would ever fully be able to relax again when it came to my daughter. I would always need to know where she was. If things had gone a different way yesterday, I wouldn’t have ever been able to forgive myself. It made my fists pump angrily by my side just thinking about it. It was awful!
Justine seemed to sense my eyes upon her, and she finally forced her eyes open. She smiled and pushed herself into a sitting position, so I went to sit beside her on the bed for a little chat. We didn’t really get much time to talk yesterday after everything that had happened, and there were some things I needed to get across.
“Are you okay, darling?” I asked her softly so she knew I wasn’t going to yell today. “How are you feeling?”
She sighed loudly and nodded. “I’m better. I still feel very bad though. Is Olivia still upset?”
I shrugged, unable to answer that. “I don’t want to talk about Olivia right now. I want to discuss you and me.” I shifted uncomfortably where I sat. “I don’t think we’ve talked much about us, have we?”
Justine shook her head, and she answered me quite eloquently. “No, not with each other.”
Wow… I guess the work that Susan was doing with her was working. Justine seemed to understand her feelings a lot better than she did once upon a time. This would make our chat easier.
“I know that I haven’t been the best dad to you.” I got choked up as I said that; the truth of it hit me hard. “I got lost in my own sadness when your mom… sadly passed away…”
“You don’t ever talk about Mom,” Justine replied curiously. “Why don’t you tell me about her?”
“It’s hard for me.” Wow, being honest was hard but it felt quite good too. “It’s hard for me to remember her, but I guess it’s hard for you too. I need to remember that.” I wrapped my arm around my daughter and held her for a moment. “I’ll talk to you about this when we get back home. I’ll show you some pictures.”
Justine snuggled in closer to me, clearly liking this answer. “Okay, Daddy, thank you very much.”
“Yes, so back to what I was saying.” There wasn’t any backing out of this. “I haven’t always been the best father to you, I threw myself into work so I didn’t have to deal with it. I let Grandma look after you more than I should have.”
“But I liked spending time with Grandma! She was a lot of fun.”
“Do you miss her?” I asked curiously, remembering how she acted at the funeral. “Because I do.”
“I do.” She nodded slowly. “But I like having you around a lot too.”
“Yeah. It’s fun, isn’t it? And we’ll do much more things like this, don’t you worry about it.”
“We’re going to go on vacation a lot?” Justine’s eyes flashed with excitement. “That’s cool.”
“We’re going to do lots of things a lot… whatever you want to do, sweetheart.”
“With Olivia too?” Justine asked me, sounding a little sad. “Will she come with us?”
I wished that I could give her a positive answer, but I wasn’t sure. “I don’t know. We’ll have to figure that out. I don’t know what Olivia is thinking at the moment. We’ll have to wait and see.”
“Oh. I don’t want her to go.” Justine pouted out her bottom lip. “I love Olivia. I want her to stay.”
“Yeah, me too,” I answered. “But we have no control over that.”
“You love her?” Justine asked me without looking at me. “Does she love you?”
I couldn’t answer that, so I shrugged quietly. None of us knew where the other person was; it was a mess.
Justine went quiet for a while, and I could almost see the thoughts spinning wildly through her mind. I wanted to ask her what she was thinking, but I knew she needed the time to digest things. I had to be patient.
“I’m sorry that I’ve been so angry too, Daddy,” she finally said quietly. “I don’t mean to be.”
“You don’t worry about that. We’re working through things together. We’ll be okay.”
After a little while, we got out of her bed and we made our way into the kitchen. There, much to my surprise, I saw Olivia standing there with her back to us, making coffee. She was here; that had to mean something, right? Justine gave me a wide-eyed stare but I indicated for her to be quiet for the moment to work things out. We didn’t want to freak her out by pushing her too hard in any direction.
“M… morning,” I stammered quietly, my heart racing in my chest. “Are you okay, Olivia?”
I braced myself, waiting for her to tell me that she was still leaving because she couldn’t stand to be around me. If that was the case, it wouldn’t kill me because I did love her and want to be with her, but also, I would survive. With Justine needing me as much as she did, I would live as much as I could.
“Good morning,” she replied, slightly coldly. She turned to look at Justine, but not to me. “I’m okay.”
“Do you want some breakfast?” Justine jumped in. “I want some of those pancakes; do you?”
Justine and Olivia both fussed around in the kitchen, leaving me by myself. I stood helplessly in the living room watching them both, wondering what I was supposed to do. This was strained and very strange. I wasn’t good at not knowing where I stood; it left me feeling really strange. Lost almost; I needed that anchor.
I paced the room. I walked over to the window, and I stared out again. The beautiful view still wasn’t as pretty as I needed it to be and that was because I was sad. But I was good at fixing things, that was a big part of what made my business
life so successful, so maybe I just needed to apply that to this. I couldn’t make Olivia stay if she didn’t want to, I couldn’t fix that, but I could try and make the day run smoother.
“Once breakfast is done, we’ll head out and see what wildlife we can find, okay?”
“Really?” Justine gasped with excitement. “Are you sure, Daddy? That’s not just because I’ve run away.”
“Yes, of course I mean it. In fact, I’m going to check online now and see what I can find.”
This gave me something to do while they fiddled about with breakfast. It gave me a purpose which I needed. I took my place on the couch and scrolled on my cell phone until I found something that looked perfect. A waterfall in a spot that was filled with bird life and butterflies. Wonderful for Justine.
“Oh, look, Justine, come here.” She bounded over to me and sat on my lap. “Take a look at these pictures. What do you think? It’s quite a walk to get there, but it’ll be worth it, don’t you think?”
She nodded, her eyes widening as she looked through the images. “Oh yeah, it looks beautiful. Are you coming, Olivia? It looks really nice. Look at all these butterflies.”
A thick silence clung to the air as Justine asked the one question that I was far too afraid to. I sucked in and held a breath, preparing myself for the inevitable no. It didn’t seem to quite happen like that though.
“It looks pretty shady,” Olivia replied as she leaned in to see the image, I raised my shoulders around my ears while I waited. “But I’ll have to pack plenty of sun cream.”
It felt like a win. She wasn’t leaving, which had to be a sign that she didn’t hate my guts. It wasn’t confirmation that she would never leave Justine and me, but she was still here right now. I could claim her back.
