by Alexa Davis
“So, how’s it going, dude?” I asked casually. “How were the fish?”
“It was balls cold,” he told me while taking a massive swig of his beer. “And, I couldn’t catch a disease in a Vietnamese whore house for the first two days, but I did bring in some nice tuna early this morning, so I suppose it was worth it in the end.”
“When are you out again?” I asked him while my eyes flickered over to the massive haul he’d brought in. If this wasn't much, then I could see why he was making so much money. It looked like a good trip to me! “Any time this week?”
“I don't think so,” he shook his head. “The weather won’t be right, so I may leave it until next week. We’ll see.”
“We’ll have to go out for some drinks one night.” I figured I would tell him about everything then. In a few days’ time, especially after I’d seen Peggy, I hoped that my mindset would be much better. I hoped that I would see her, and everything would be normal...allowing my life to remain exactly as it was.
God, it’s a good thing that I’m seeing Terri tonight, I thought seriously, knowing that things could go wrong if I was left alone.
“Sounds good, man, but before then, you can give me a hand cleaning up the boat a bit.”
“Oh yeah, like I haven’t been at work all day,” I chuckled. “Anyone would think that I’m your slave!”
Despite my protests, I helped Willy, just like he knew I would, and we got stuck into some small talk about work. He told me more of the details about his life on the ocean, and I told him what I could about my job, too. Of course, there was only so much that I could say because of doctor patient confidentiality, but there were a few other things I could tell him. Mostly office gossip, to be fair.
“And, how’s that smoking-hot piece of ass you’re friends with?” he eventually asked, landing on the one subject he was most interested in. “How are things with her? Has she fallen in love with you yet?”
“Look at me,” I laughed at him. “Can you imagine anyone falling in love with this?”
“Well, no,” he teased as a reply. “But I do know women, and I know for a fact that they can’t just continually screw someone without catching feelings. It’s like a damn disease.”
I shook my head instantly, wanting to shoot him down. “Terri isn’t like that. She’s fun, naughty, and all she wants is a good time.”
The memory of our moment in the janitor’s closet filled my mind once more and a flame sparked in my stomach. Willy could think what he wanted. I knew Terri, and I was certain that she was in for the same things I was: an agreement that gave everyone what they needed. I could give her a release, and her me, then we could go our separate ways...the way it had always been.
I recalled the moment that she started working alongside me and the second I laid my eyes on her. That blonde hair, those eyes, that rack... It was all too much. It didn’t matter that I’d just come from a kinky night of fun with one of the fisherman’s daughters, I knew there and then that I had to have her, and that I would be balls deep into her by the end of the day.
I instantly turned on the charm, became everything she wanted me to be, and sure enough, by that evening, we were going at it behind the bar we’d gone to for a drink. She seemed to understand the way my mind worked and what I wanted from her, which was the absolute best thing about her.
“Don’t be so naive,” he sneered. “They are all like that. Trust me, you’ll be married within a year.”
“Oh, Willy, you’ve had your damn fingers in the fish for far too long.” I rolled my eyes at him as I spoke. “This is a new millennium; women are allowed to enjoy a healthy sex life just as much as men are!”
“We’ll see. I’ll bet you I have the last laugh with this one!”
Okay, Willy wasn't making me feel any better. Instead, he was giving me other shit to worry about – shit that I’d been fine with for a very long time. So, I stood up and made my excuses to go. I knew I should just tell him that I was off to see Terri, to shut him up a bit, but I didn’t want any more stick from him...especially when his words had already had a negative impact on me.
“Right, dude, I have to go. I’ll see you soon, okay? Let me know when you’re free.”
But even as I walked away from Willy, my mind continued to tie itself up in knots. Was he right about Terri? Would I end up with a whole bunch of complications from her? She certainly never seemed to show any emotions for me other than sexual, but could I have been missing something? I guess that for someone who spent such a long time chasing the next chick to screw, I didn’t know a lot about women, after all.
I stepped into my apartment, suddenly feeling like maybe I would have been better off spending the night alone. Maybe running away from, not facing, my problems was my biggest issue, and I should have taken the time out to work on what I was feeling. That wasn't the path I’d ever taken before, but that was probably what had gotten me into the mess in the first place.
The knock on my door was so light, I could barely hear it, but I already knew it would be her. My heart sank at the prospect of having to deal with someone who could potentially be falling in love with me – feelings I could never match. Not that there was anything wrong with Terri; she was a great girl, but she was never going to be the one for me.
I sighed deeply and went to grab another beer out of the fridge before opening the door to face her. I knew nothing had changed, but my view of our entire situation had been altered slightly by a few choice words from Willy.
But as I opened the door and she jumped on me like a sex-crazed woman, I felt the status quo return to normal. Terri really was different; she was only in it for one thing. She simply loved sex as much as I did, and she had never done anything before to make me think things were going anywhere. I was a fool to allow Willy to get under my skin; that was probably what he wanted. He was probably just scared I was going to fall for Terri and he would be left a bachelor alone.
Oh, how wrong he was. I wouldn’t be giving up the single life soon, not for anyone. It was way too much fun.
I just needed to stop worrying; everything was going to be fine.
Chapter Four
Ashlee
Thursday After Work
Ring, ring.
Ring, ring.
Ring, ring.
I rolled my eyes while I waited for my mother to pick up the phone; did she always have to take so damn long to do it? It was a cell phone, for crying out loud; it should have been on her person at all times. Why did it feel like she was crossing the damn ocean every time she went to answer it?
“Hello?” she eventually said, sounding out of breath, proving my point entirely. “Ashlee, are you okay?”
“I’m fine, Mom, just walking back from work. How are you?”
I wasn't sure why she was bothering to ask me how I was doing when she as the one who was sick, but that was typical of her. She had always been a big-hearted woman, which I loved about her, but honestly, I felt like she should have been thinking about herself for a change. “How have things been?”
“Okay... I mean, I am a little tired, but I’m not as bad as I could be.” I hated the fact that she had cervical cancer; it felt fucking horrible to even think about, but she was dealing with it so well. And if she could be strong, then so could I. I didn’t have any damn choice. “Was it your last day today?”
“It was,” I confirmed. “And, everyone threw me a little party. It was sweet, to be honest. Eileen came and got me and told me to act all surprised, but it was obvious what was going on. They’d baked me a cake and everything.”
The emotions bubbled up inside of me once more, and I found myself a little too close to tears. It was hard to say goodbye to this life; I’d worked damn hard for it and I felt bad to have to give it all up, but I had to be there for my mom. She’d helped me through so damn much in my life, and I knew that she would never ask for me to be there, but that was the reason I had to be.
I was scared. Deep inside, I was absolutely fuck
ing terrified that something bad might become of this, and I didn’t want to regret anything. I wanted to be there, just in case this shit took a turn for the worst, and there wasn't anything that could be said to change my mind.
“You really shouldn’t have handed your notice in,” Mom replied in a stern voice. “I never wanted you to do that. I can handle this on my own, you know. I’m a big girl. You have a life in New York and I don't want you to have to-”
“Oh shush, Mom,” I scolded her. “Don’t be so silly. I want to do this; I have to do this.” She remained silent, which made me feel like I had to defend myself further. “Everything is already done now, anyway. I have a job interview set up already, my flight on Saturday is paid for, I’ve already organized the movers... I’m coming home, Mom.”
I was just glad that when Mom had left Florence, she didn’t sell our family home. She rented it out with the thought that she might return there one day, and now that day had come. It meant I would still have somewhere to stay while I got myself sorted.
I was both keen and nervous to return to my childhood bedroom. Sure, everything had been stored in the attic while other people stayed in the house, but it wouldn’t take long to have that all back out again. It would be back to normal soon enough.
“I understand all of that,” Mom said in her overly patient tone of voice; the one that she knew drove me crazy. “But you can make more money where you are; for your career, you are much better off in New York.”
“Mom, not everything is about money. I’m doing what I want to do, and nothing you can say will change my mind.”
“Even if I refuse to let you in the house?” she joked. “Will you live outside with all your stuff?”
“You know it!” I laughed, finally reaching my apartment.
As I stepped inside, it hit me again how much I had to do. Over the years, I had managed to acquire a whole lot of stuff and boxing all of that up was going to be a real pain in the ass.
“Okay, well, I’ll call you tomorrow,” Mom finally said. “After my appointment. I’ll be going to see the doctor in Florence tomorrow, a new guy to see what he suggests. I think his name is Doctor Turner.”
Turner?
That name struck a cold, hard fear into my heart. It was the one name that I didn’t want to hear, especially in association with Florence. It was a small place. There was only one family with that name, and only one man that I knew was heading into the medical profession. It seemed like he’d achieved his goal.
If my mom was going to see Matthew Turner, that meant that he was still living there. It was unlikely I would be able to avoid him in such a small place, and that was even truer considering I wanted to go with my mother to her appointments. I wanted to understand more about what was going on with her.
It seemed like I was going to have to simply suck it up and get the hell on with it. It wasn't about me and him anymore – and it never would be again.
That was all ancient news, stuff that had happened years ago. I’d moved past it and simply gotten on with my life. Seeing him would be a bummer, but that was it. I could handle it no problem now... Well, I was going to have to. I didn’t have a choice anymore.
“Yeah, okay, Mom,” I replied distractedly. “I’ll speak to you tomorrow. You take care of yourself, all right? Love you.”
“And you. Love you, too.”
As soon as she hung up the phone, I slumped onto my couch while my mind reeled. Despite the fact that I didn’t really want to think about him, I couldn't damn well help myself now. I suppose that I needed to come to terms with the past a little more anyway, especially when I was about to be faced with it.
Matthew Turner...
What the hell was it going to be like seeing him again? The last time we’d spoken to one another, it had been very bitter and angry, so it would be interesting to see if that was still there. Would he have simply gotten over it and moved on, or would there be a small part of him that just couldn't let it go? I wasn't sure exactly which category I fit into, and that was something I didn’t want to examine too closely.
I thought for a second about our past and how we’d ended up how we did, and it made my heart flutter a little too excitedly. When I moved to Florence and nervously joined a new school, I didn’t think that I would end up with any friends. As a very awkward preteen, I had assumed I was far too old to meet new people, so of course, that negative mindset transcended into my body language from the get go. Because I didn’t think that anyone would want to speak to me, I shut myself off, which in turn meant no one did.
Well, except for Matthew.
He sat next to me in math class and instantly made a joke about my hair. It was something so stupid, something so small and insignificant that I couldn't even remember what it was now, but it had made me laugh. It broke the ice and helped me to thaw enough to let him in.
We became firm friends, almost inseparable, which was awesome. In my old school, I’d only ever been friends with girls, so it was a brand new, intoxicating world for me. I fell hard and fast for Matthew, there was no doubt about that, but I did my best to push all those feelings down to allow me to continue being his friend.
Of course, it didn’t exactly work out as well as I’d hoped in the end, but I did try my best.
He was cute even then. He had short, brown hair, hazel-colored eyes, and dimples that cropped up every time he smiled. It certainly wasn't only me who noticed his gorgeousness, which made me wonder where he might be now. He could have a girlfriend, or even a wife. Maybe even kids... I knew he always wanted to be a father, so that was possible. How would I feel if I spotted him in the supermarket or something with a family in tow? Would it bother me? Would I wish that it was me be his side? Or would I simply see him as just another person? I wondered.
Since I’d left, I hadn’t tried to get in contact with him, not even with the explosion of social media. Sure, the temptation to look him up on Facebook had cropped up from time to time, particularly after a few glasses of wine with the girls, and once after a particularly bad day with a man named Buzz who always referred to himself in the third person, but it wasn't an urge that I’d ever followed through on. I just never knew where it was going to end up leading, and that scared me enough to keep me away.
When I left, I told myself that I would put it all in a box at the back of my mind, and that I would never, ever think of it again. I’d always tried to stay true to that promise. When someone tore your heart out, splitting your chest apart, you don't want to go back to that.
Yet here I was, doing just that.
I sighed deeply to myself and stood up, making the decision to start packing. I couldn't simply sit around and feel sorry for myself, not when I still had so much to do. I needed to get all the shit organized and wrapped properly so the movers didn’t have to do a lot.
It had to be better than thinking about damn Matthew Turner anyway. Anything was better than that.
I decided to pack my bookshelf up first, figuring it would be a good, easy place to start, but I quickly realized just how wrong I was. Not only did I have more books than any person should ever need in their whole damn lives, but I also had some that took me right back into the past. Books I didn’t even realize I had there with me, such as my high school yearbook.
Despite the warning bells ringing loudly in my brain, I flicked through the pages quickly, already knowing the image I was looking for, and soon enough, I found it. My fingers ran lightly across the picture as I drank it all in. It was me, sitting on Matthew’s back, and we were both laughing wildly at something he’d just said. I loved the picture because it was filled with a pure, carefree joy, but it was also a little sad, too, because now with hindsight, I knew where this would end up.
That love in my eyes, that hope in my heart, it would all be dashed soon enough, and that was bittersweet.
I rolled my eyes and slammed the book shut, a hot fire coursing through my body. This was just fucking great; already I was a mess and I hadn’t even se
en him yet.
Chapter Five
Matthew
Friday Morning
I arrived at the office a little before my shift because I had some papers to go through, particularly the details with regards to Peggy’s case. I wanted to go through it alone to ensure my head was going to be in the right place when I eventually saw her.
I was sure that she would remember me, and that we would have to have some sort of conversation about the past, but I wanted the majority of what we discussed to be medical, and for that, I needed to be professional. Allowing my emotions to interfere with an appointment wasn't something I’d ever done before, and I certainly didn’t want to start now.
But as I walked through the door, I quickly found I wasn't alone and the girl I’d been with only a few short hours before was standing in the waiting area, looking through some information herself.
“You’re here early,” I joked, trying my best to cover up my shock. “Everything okay?”
She spun her head around to look at me, shooting me something of a strained smile. It was very different to the feisty smirk she’d been giving me while she rode me hard last night.
“I thought I would just sleep here since your no sleep over policy left me out on the streets at 2 a.m.” There was a joking tone to her voice, but I could tell there was a serious issue there. She’d made comments like that before, but I wasn't about to change my mind.
I had the policy because I wanted to keep everything clear between me and the women I hooked up with, and I felt that was especially important with Terri considering we were a little more of a long-term thing. I just didn’t want her to ever get the impression that I was growing feelings for her because I never wanted to lead her on.
I might have been something of a player, but I certainly wasn't a horrible guy.
“Rules are rules, Terri; I don’t make them, I just follow them.” I winked at her as I made that stupid comment, before turning to walk away.
