by Alexa Davis
Headlines and images of what my life could become filled my mind, and I stuffed the lottery ticket back into my wallet, where I never wanted to look at it again.
In the space of one second, it had gone from something utterly freeing to the heaviest weight on my shoulders I would ever experience. If I never claimed the money, my life wouldn’t change, but since I was fairly happy, that wasn't too bad. If I did claim the money, everything would be new, and I wasn't quite sure that I could handle that.
I needed to get out; I couldn't stand being indoors for another second longer, so I switched off the food I’d been cooking, abandoning it completely. I desperately needed a beer, even if it would be by myself, so I decided to head to the bar and eat there. Being left alone with my thoughts was dangerous at the best of times, but now it was positively lethal. No, I couldn't be left alone.
Maybe… Could I give the ticket to Ashlee? After all, I knew that she needed it, as did her mom. But then I thought about it, and I really considered the sort of person that she was and I knew for a fact she wouldn’t take it. She would see it as charity, as the easy way out. Plus, there was no way she’d want all the publicity, either…
“Willy?” I said into the phone as soon as he answered. “Meet me out for a drink tonight?”
“What’s wrong, dude? You sound fucking awful,” he asked, laughing lightly at me.
I half considered telling him, just to hear what he thought, but I decided against it at the very last second. I just needed one more night being the man that I’d always been, the Matthew Turner he’d always known. If I did make the decision to take the money, everything would change, so I just wanted to be myself for a little while longer.
“Just a shit week at work,” I told him quickly, figuring I would make up some lies about that later. Although, to be honest, there were a lot of true stories I could throw in there, so maybe it wouldn’t be too bad. I could even tell him about how things were going tits up with Terri. When I considered what I could be hearing, an “I told you so” didn’t seem so bad. “Just meet me there.”
“Will do,” he replied, just like I knew he would. Willy could always be relied on in my hour of need, however pointless it was. “See you in five.”
Chapter Sixteen
Ashlee
Monday
My heart pounded nervously in my chest as I waited outside Matthew’s office for my interview with him. He had called me early in the morning, almost the second he must have got into the office, and asked me to come in at the end of the day to talk about the job with him.
I was over the moon to have an opportunity, but I couldn't help questioning absolutely everything about it. What was his motivation for hiring for the exact job that I needed? What did he expect was going to come from it? And why the hell did he call me when he saw my name on the resume? Surely, he should have just ignored it like any normal person would. It was clear that things were difficult between us, so why not totally bypass me?
Speaking on the phone with him was difficult enough; my heart raced through my body like crazy at the unexpected sound of his voice, so I had no idea how it was going to be seeing one another in person. The last few times we’d been in one another’s company had been extremely weird, and there was nothing to suggest that this wouldn’t be the same.
The last time we were together, we were naked and screwing on his bed. The time before that, he was giving me the bad news about my mother’s health, and of course the one before that was a decade ago, and we vowed never to see one another again.
God, what the hell was I thinking?
Pushing my pride and my intense uncertainty to one side, I gulped down the massive ball of fear firmly lodged in my throat, and I lifted my fist to knock on the door.
As my hand connected, I glanced down at my outfit, wondering if I wearing the right thing. I had on a navy-blue, knee-length dress which was cinched at the waist, and black flats. Maybe I should have worn heels to look more professional, and I probably should have tied my hair back, too. It started off wavy and generally began to teeter into frizzy towards the end of the day, which I hadn’t considered. I quickly ran my fingers through it a couple of times, but it didn’t seem to help one bit.
Shit, I thought to myself, my confidence hitting an all-time low. After the crappy interview I’d previously had, I suddenly felt like I couldn't do this. If I had flunked that, I would certainly have trouble here; this was a million times more stressful!
An intense nausea flowed through me as the door swung open quickly, revealing the man that I had no idea how to behave around. I tried my best to switch into purely professional mode, but it wasn't quite working.
“Hello, Ashlee,” he smiled at me while stepping aside. “Please, come on in.”
I followed the building that I’d only been in once before, feeling a different sense of anxiety this time. That memory of bringing Mom there and hearing about the stage-four cancer had me spurred on in the right direction. I needed this, this was essential, so I had to nail it.
“I remember when this place used to be an office block,” I blurted out quickly, without even thinking. “When did you move in here?”
“As soon as I finished my course,” he finished a little evasively. “I knew that I wanted to come back here, so I took the first place that I could.”
“You’ve done really well,” I said lamely, wishing that I’d never started this trip down memory lane. I wouldn’t normally ask such personal questions at an interview; I needed to act like I didn’t know Matthew, like he was simply another interviewer, if I wanted to get through it. “So....why the new position?”
Oh, shit, keeping to myself wasn't going well.
“Actually, I’ve been looking to expand my practice for a while now, and I’ve had requests for a speech therapist with regards to my pediatric patients.” He shot me a weird look, sending butterflies flapping violently in my stomach. “It’s lucky you moved back when you did.”
“Hmm...” I was still unsure about that; it didn’t seem like a legitimate excuse, but I wasn't in a position to argue. I had to get this job, whether it was a fake one or not. “Okay.”
He took me into his office and sat behind his desk, leaving me with the other chair, which I perched on the edge of. My hands were trembling, my insides were wobbling, and I had to grip onto my knees to keep myself from falling apart.
“So I’ve already seen all your work experience from your resume,” he told me, taking a serious, business-like tone of voice. “And I already know what you’re like, so I think this is more of a formality than anything else. Do you have any questions for me?”
Formality? Was he saying what I thought he was? That I was pretty much hired?
“Erm...” my brain went blank, but I racked it regardless. I needed to ask something just to prove that I was interested. “What would the hours be like?” It had probably said that on the job advert online, but I needed something to say and I couldn’t think of anything else.
“I would like to start you off on a nine to five basis, but of course, we can discuss any flexibility with that, with regards to...your other commitments.”
He was referring to my mom, I could tell as much, but thankfully, he wasn't saying it aloud. I might have fallen apart if he had. She still wasn't doing well, and it was worrying me more with every damn day. I kept mentioning treatment, but she wasn't having any of it; she kept telling me she had it under control, but I didn’t believe her.
I nodded slowly, before speaking out once more. “So, are you saying that I’m hired? I just want to know for sure before I start getting excited about something. It’s been...” I trailed off at that, not wanting to tell him that job hunting in Florence had been a painful task.
“Of course, you’re hired,” he chuckled. “You’re easily the best applicant I’ve had, and the fact that I can trust you is huge. It means a lot to me.”
“Wow,” I sucked in a few soothing breaths of air. “That’s amazing, thank you. I
don't know what to say.” All the thoughts that I’d had about how difficult it was going to be working with Matthew filled my mind once more, but I knew I needed to get past all of that. This wasn’t about me, so the sooner I got over myself, the better.
“Shall I take you to see your office?”
As we walked through the building, Matthew introduced me to a couple of people whose names I forgot almost immediately. There was a receptionist who was hurrying out of the door, a harassed-looking cleaner, and the nurse. Her I didn’t forget, and I was sure that I never would. Her name was Terri, and she gave me a look that cut deep into my core.
As Matthew introduced us, she did that thing that a lot of women do where they are so overly nice that it’s fake. Men never picked up on it, but women always knew it was there – and it was there, all right.
She swished her long, blonde hair over her shoulder, giving me a small glimpse of the impressive cleavage under her scrubs, clearly wanting me to feel intimidated. Then, as she shook my hand, she clung on far too tightly, and she shot me a threatening look. I felt like she was trying to tell me that Matthew belonged to her and that by even being near him, I was stepping on her territory.
I didn’t know how to feel about that. Did that mean she’d been with him? Was she an ex-girlfriend and I was about to step into some crazy office politics that I didn’t understand? And did she know about us? About our past, and about what happened the other day? If so, things were about to become incredibly awkward.
“So, this is your office,” Matthew said proudly, showing me a room that clearly used to be a patient room. It looked exactly like the room I went into with my mom, which had me questioning his motives even further. He’d clearly created the role just for me, that much was obvious now, but why? What did he want out of it?
“Erm, thanks, that’s great,” I smiled thinly at him. “Really good. I will bring over my own resources in the morning.”
“Well, why don't you bring them tonight?” he asked, sounding innocent enough. “I have already lined up a couple of patients for you in the morning, so it might be good if you’re organized for that.” He already had patients for me? Maybe this job wasn't as fake as I’d first assumed. “Here is a key for you.”
“I will...thank you,” I was totally bewildered by his kindness, but happy, too. This had to be a good sign that maybe things would be okay, after all.
*****
I huffed and puffed as I dragged my endless textbooks in, knowing I would be grateful to have them to hand when I saw people the next morning. I had no idea who I’d be dealing with, what their ability levels would be like, and what underlying issues might be there, so having as much information available as possible was exactly what I needed.
As soon as my final box of stuff was brought in with me, I took a second to have a glance about my new office. Okay, so it had nothing on my last one, and I knew it never would, but it was something... And right now, that was the absolute best that I could hope for.
There was a small smile playing on my lips as I pulled out the family picture I always had on my desk, wherever I worked. It showed me at about eight, sitting and laughing on my father’s lap, while his arm was tossed casually around my mother’s shoulders. We all looked so happy in it – that was the thing that I liked best. It was such a nothing moment, but considering what had come later, it was hugely important.
I tried to imagine what dad would think of Matthew; what he would say about what had happened? Would he tell me that I was equally wrong in that argument, right at the end, and that I should have swallowed my pride and sorted things out? Or would he have told me that I was right to stand my ground when Matthew was so clearly being a douche? What would he think about him now? Would he be telling me to stay away, considering he missed his funeral, or would he be telling me to put that one mistake to bed?
There hadn’t been a day gone by that I hadn’t missed my dad and wished he was around to give me some advice, but I had to admit that this day was the worst. I really needed him to tell me what to do because I had no idea for myself. I felt like every time I made a decision for myself, I instantly doubted it, then discovered that it was the wrong one.
The first example of that was sleeping with Matthew; the second being running away. I just didn’t want this job to be another.
Chapter Seventeen
Matthew
Tuesday
I couldn't help myself; I was over the moon to have Ashlee around the office. Sure, things were a little stilted and awkward, and it was very clear that there were a lot of unsaid things flowing between us, but I felt that as time passed and we were forced to continue being around one another, that would simply go away.
I hoped as much, at any rate.
As soon as I saw that Ashlee had applied for the speech therapist position, I started phoning around, asking parents if they would like a free appointment to get them going, if they felt like their child needed any extra help. I knew it was a risk, wasting a paid staff member’s time on something that wouldn’t be earning the practice any money, but I had to introduce her services to the public somehow.
Plus, I wanted her to feel needed. I didn’t want her to think that I’d created the position just for her, however true that was. I was convinced that Ashlee’s charm and professionalism would have them back before long, anyway. I knew she would end up bringing in money, so I wasn't totally worried.
So far, it seemed to be going great. As soon as Ms. Jones came out with her four-year-old boy with a speech impediment, Timmy, I pulled her to one side and asked if she would consider coming to Ashlee again and paying a fee for the services, and she responded very enthusiastically.
She told me Ashlee was professional, caring, and very considerate, tailoring a course of exercises just for her boy. I was proud to hear that, excited to know that this might be a sustainable thing, so on a whim I headed out at lunch time to buy everyone food, something that I’d never done before.
I called the staff into the canteen, but only Terri and Ashlee came. The receptionist preferred to take her break alone anyway, chain smoking (a habit she knew I didn’t approve of) and speaking to her boyfriend on the phone, so I left her sandwich on her desk instead.
“So,” I asked, trying to keep the grin on my face despite the obvious tension in the room between Ashlee and Terri. “How is the new job treating you, Ashlee?”
“Really well, actually,” she replied, her face shining with happiness. “The kids I’ve seen so far have been great, really keen to do the exercises I’ve given them.
“In New York, I often had to deal with children who didn’t have any problems with their speech, but spoke in a way that their rich, neglectful parents didn’t consider ‘appropriate.’ That was honestly a nightmare. There wasn't anything that I could do with them, but I had to keep persevering regardless because they were earning the firm money.”
I couldn't picture Ashlee in New York, however hard I tried, and over the last few years, I’d attempted to do so many, many times. The city just seemed like a fast-paced, impersonal environment, and she was just the opposite of that. But she must have managed to make it work somehow; after all, she was there for ten years. I just couldn't imagine it suiting her.
“Yeah, well this isn’t New York,” I heard Terri reply bitchily. “This is a small-ass town with very little need for specialty treatments, so I wouldn’t get too used to your position here.”
I watched on in shock as she stood up, slammed the sandwich onto the table, and stormed out. I’d never seen Terri act like that before, and it was completely turning me away from her. I knew that she was going to be pissed when I cooled things off with her, but to speak to an innocent party in such an uncouth way was horrible to see. Embarrassing, too. I hoped that it wouldn’t put Ashlee off from working with me. I didn’t want to let her go now that I’d finally managed to win her back around somewhat.
“Wow,” I gasped in a stunned manner. “That was something else.”
&
nbsp; “Oh, don’t worry,” she brushed it off quickly. “She doesn’t bother me, at all.”
I sighed audibly with relief, glad she was taking it so well, before turning the subject back to the matter at hand: her and how well she was doing at her job. I didn’t want to focus on Terri’s outburst. It could raise far too many questions that I didn’t really want to answer.
“Well, the kids seem to love you a lot, and their parents think that you’re the best thing in the world,” I grinned happily at her, glad to have some real, honest praise to give her.
I couldn't help feeling proud at all that she’d achieved. At one of the most difficult times in her life, when she’d just lost her father and everything she held dear, she went off to college, right across the country, and got the grades she needed to make a life for herself there. She could have quite easily fallen apart, that would have been completely understandable, but she didn’t. She held strong, and she got through it, carving out a very decent existence for herself. I had to admire that, even if it did take her away from me.
“Thank you,” she replied. As she sent me a smile, I started to get the impression she might just be warming up to me all over again. Maybe once she got to know me again, she would see I wasn't all bad. Yes, I’d done some stupid things and made some bad choices, but deep down, I meant well, and I was inherently a good person. “And thanks for lunch, too.”
Almost immediately, I wanted to invite her over for dinner, to spend the night with me, but I forced myself to stop because I knew that it would be a terrible idea. She wasn't ready for that again, and neither was I. To be able to even slightly make this work, we needed to take things a little slower, to work out what we meant to one another, before we dove in once more. Maybe we would figure out that all we could be was friends; maybe we couldn't even manage that. Of course, I wanted to drag her back into my bed and do all kinds of crazy things, but I couldn't. Not yet.
