by Alexa Davis
“So,” Kerri started, as soon as we were sitting outside my home. “Are you going to tell me what’s going on?”
“Yeah,” I admitted with defeat. “I need to. I’m really seriously confused when it comes to Matthew. I don't even know what to do.”
“Oh God,” she groaned in a joking manner. “It’s high school all over again.”
“Well, to be honest, that’s a big part of it,” I told her honestly. “I instantly shut Matthew out, well, everyone out, as soon as I left town. That was because of our big fight. I was hurt by how he reacted after my dad died, I was upset because he went to that party when I needed him, and I didn’t give him a chance.”
I sighed deeply, seeing all my mistakes through adult eyes. “Now I can see that he just didn’t know to cope. He was dealing with his own pain, and I didn’t acknowledge that.” I hung my head, guilt flowing through me. “Now he’s going through his own suffering for whatever reason, and I’m the one that’s shut out.”
Kerri leaned forward and grabbed my hands. “Babe, I know that this sucks at the moment, but I really feel about the pair of you now the same way that I did back then. You’re meant to be together.”
Her words flowed through me, striking a chord in my heart. That was the way that I’d always felt, too, however much I tried to ignore it. “Sometimes I want to bash your heads together to make you see it, but I know you will eventually.”
“I hope so,” I mumbled, forcing out a weak smile. “And, I also hope that you see how great Willy is. I know you find him embarrassing, but I think he’s great.”
“I know,” she admitted, looking sheepish. “I am starting to see that myself. I think I’ve been stupid, shutting him out because of my own, shallow stupidity. I guess in a way, because I’ve never left this town, I clung to a high school version of myself, too, making me no better than Harry.” She flushed bright red, and I could tell that it was hard for her to accept. “I just... I don't know how to get out of that loop now. How do I just say, ‘Sorry, Willy, I’ve been a dick. I want to be with you?’”
“Erm...just like that,” I told her, laughing. “Honestly, I think Willy adores you. I think he would love you to say that. If I’ve learned anything from this, it’s that life is too short. And not only that, but silence gets you nowhere. I was silent for far too long, I ran away for ten years, and look where it got me.”
“You’re right,” Kerri answered sadly. “I know you’re right; it just isn’t that easy.”
Never had I heard a truer statement. Talking things through wasn't easy; it was a whole lot easier to just ignore it, but that also got you nowhere. I was living proof of that. As I said my goodbyes to Kerri, and I wandered up the stairs, I allowed all the times I’d been too quiet flow through my mind. With the past in mind, I grabbed hold of my high school yearbook once more, wanting to relive it through all those images.
If I was going to make a change in my life, one as huge as actually saying what I was feeling for a change, then I wanted to spend one more moment in the past.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Matthew
Tuesday
I took a deep, shaky breath, finally doing the thing that I’d been avoiding for about a week.
My phone had been going crazy and not many people knew that number, so I was certain that my email inbox was going to be full messages that I didn’t want to read. My email address was readily available online, so I knew that anyone could get it, including the people that I least wanted to speak to in the world. I had the horrible, sinking sensation that this was where I would find all the things I’d been fearing most, and to be honest, I wanted nothing more than to just avoid it.
But unfortunately, I was going to have to tackle it eventually; it was how I ran a lot of my business. I couldn't just ignore it, not if I wanted to keep the practice running, which despite everything was one of my main priorities.
I closed my eyes, my breaths coming out ragged, and I impatiently waited for the page to load, feeling my heart race like crazy. I felt panicky and a little sick, which wasn't like me at all.
Since the incident with Ashlee and her dad’s funeral, I thought that I’d grown as a person and that I dealt with my issues better, but it seemed that I was wrong. Maybe it was just the stuff that I was deeply, emotionally invested in that affected me that deeply. I knew I needed to work on my coping skills, but today wasn't the day for that.
When I finally flicked my eyes back open again, I found over two hundred messages awaiting me. Two hundred awful, unwelcome messages, screaming out for my attention.
‘Hi, Matthew, I don't know if you remember me, but...’
‘Maybe we should talk about what happened that night...’
‘Hi, Doctor Turner, this is Neil Hamm here from the Walford Gazette...’
‘I hate to reach out like this, but I’m in desperate need for money...’
‘Hey, Matt, remember me? How about another fun night? ;) xxx’
Endless messages confirming my worst fears. People I hadn’t spoken to in years, wanting to hang out. Others begging for money, some wanting to sleep with me all over again, blackmail...endless blackmail.
This was exactly what I hadn’t wanted; this was the exact reason I begged to claim the money without the publicity, but of course, they wouldn’t let me do it. They wanted their story, and they damn well got it, plus a whole lot more. I bet they thought that they’d struck gold when all those women came forward with dirt on me.
I scrolled through them all, making the decision to delete anything that had nothing to with work, which was a long and arduous task, but one that was essential just for my sanity. I felt a little lighter as more and more of them disappeared, like I was finally taking control and doing something positive. That was, until I came across a name that struck a cold fear into my heart.
Terri Holmes.
“What the fuck?” I murmured. What the hell could Terri want now? Weren’t we totally done now? I really didn’t feel like we had anything left to say to one another, which made me very anxious. Why the hell had she decided to email me? That felt so serious. Plus, the subject line was empty, which made me very uncomfortable. I couldn't resist opening it, just in case it was something that I needed to know.
‘Matthew,
I’m honestly still reeling from the shitty way that you’ve treated me, and I don’t know what the fuck I saw in you in the first place. You’re an emotionally-stunted fuckwit with ridiculous commitment issues. On top of that, you don't even have anything going for you. A business that doesn’t make any money, looks that are fading every single day, and a selfish tendency which left me dissatisfied every single time. And I mean every time... I’ve become an expert in faking it.
Despite all of that, I don't know how you didn’t realize that I was developing feelings for you. There’s no way I would have stuck around otherwise. What possible other reason could I have for staying by your side?
Okay, sure, you have the money now, maybe that’s something, but I’ll be happy in the knowledge that you will never ever have an emotional connection with anyone ever again. People will only ever want you for that. Especially Ashlee. She wasn't interested before, but I can sure as hell bet that she’s showing interest now.
Anyway, I would say rot in hell, but I think I describe my feelings very well in my news story, coming soon!
Terri x’
“Fuck,” I muttered to myself, shaking my head. There was so much truth to her words, so many fucking fears confirmed, and I didn’t know what the hell to do about it. I shut my computer down quickly, unable to deal with any more bad news. It was unbearable, utterly overwhelming, and it was driving me insane.
I tried to get myself in the state of mind to go to work, but I quickly realized that it wasn't going to happen. I needed a time out, a mental health day, and I felt the intense desire to get out on the ocean. I’d become accustomed to using the sea air to help me clear my head since my younger days with Ashlee’s father, and
I needed that once more.
Luckily, I had a friend that I could do that with.
I put in a call to the office receptionist, telling her I was too sick to come in. It was a shock to her because I’d never pulled a sick day before, but she acted professional all the same. She told me to get better soon, and that she would reschedule all my appointments for another day, for which I was extremely grateful. It gave me the whole day to sort myself out.
For a split second, I wondered what Ashlee would think about me being away, before shaking that thought from my mind. I couldn't worry about her, not right now; I needed to be concerned about organizing my brain space instead.
I called Willy, and luckily for me he answered on the first ring, as if he’d been waiting for me to finally get in touch.
“Hey, dude, you okay?” he asked, concern lacing his tone.
“Hi, Willy, can I come out on the boat with you today? I really need some space.”
He answered positively, lifting my spirits, so by the time I’d hung up the phone, I felt a whole lot better about everything.
*****
The sun beat down on my shoulders, warming me. As soon as the boat got out onto to ocean, I felt my blood pressure lower, the knot of anxiety loosen, and the real Matthew float back to the surface. I couldn't be myself back at the office, around the public, but with my best friend, I could just be me, and that felt incredible.
“So, are you okay?” Willy eventually asked once our lines were in the water. “You’ve been a little...off the grid recently. I’ve been worried.”
“It’s just the fucking money,” I told him through gritted teeth. “I mean, it feels good to have it in my account, and to know that I can do a lot of good with it, but it’s a massive pressure, too. Like, people are crawling out of the woodwork, asking for stuff, piling it all on, and I can’t deal.” I sighed deeply, accepting defeat. “This is the most normal that I’ve felt in ages.”
“It’ll all blow over,” he tried his best to reassure me. “You’ll forget about all this bullshit soon enough, and all that you’ll be left with is the good stuff. That’ll happen; you’ll see.” I nodded at that, desperately hoping that he was right. I needed to get to that stage; this stage was damn near killing me.
“You’ll still have the same people that have always been there.” He pursed his lips thoughtfully, before speaking out once more. “Speaking of which, Ashlee was pretty bummed that you weren’t at the bar last night.”
Urgh, Ashlee...what the fuck am I going to do about her?
My head was still all over the place when it came to her, and Terri had made that worse. Would she only care about me now because of the cash? Would that be all I ever was to her?
“I don't know about Ashlee,” I told him seriously. “It seems like she was only ready to forgive me and actually listen to me once I won the money. I don't know if she actually likes me, or if she just wants me now that I’m rich.”
As I said those words aloud, I realized how damn paranoid I sounded. This wasn't just some random chick: this was Ashlee Baker, the girl that I had such a rich history with, the one that had been there for me for years. What the fuck had happened to me? How had the money already managed to destroy me?
“Dude, don't forget that Ashlee loved you way back when. She adored you back in the day when you could only afford one sock at a time. There’s no way a girl like that would only want you for your money.”
Damn it, it was so obvious. Why couldn't I see it? I imagined how pissed off Ashlee’s dad would be to know that I hadn’t trusted his daughter when she’d given me no reason to be doubtful, and it sickened me.
I was a dickhead. Once more I’d made a total fucking mistake.
“Shit, dude.” I held my head in my hands as everything swirled around me. “Do you think that it’s fixable? I mean, when I screwed up last time, everything fell apart.”
“You were kids back then,” Willy clapped my back and forced me to look up at him. “You’ve both grown up a whole lot. Things are very different. If you both want it to work, then it will.”
Urgh, what a fucking idiot I was. I’d made the decision to shut the door on something that I’d always wanted, just because I was scared. I was afraid Ashlee would turn out to be just like everyone else, even though I already knew she wasn't. I loved this girl, I always had, and it felt like I always would. I had to grasp onto that before it was too late, before I really did lose her forever.
“Look, did you want to go home?” Willy asked me, seeming to sense where my mind was at. “It looks like it’s about to rain anyway, so there isn’t much point in sitting out on the water.”
“Yeah, thanks,” I smiled at him gratefully. “I feel a lot better now; I think it’s just time to get sorted.” Plus, there was still a lot of the good stuff that I needed to do, such as buying Willy his boat, but of course, I wasn't going to say that part aloud. I wanted that bit to be a surprise. “But this has been awesome, even though we haven’t actually caught anything.”
“If it helps,” Willy grinned cheekily. “You will always be ‘one sock’ Matt to me.”
That statement had me roaring with laughter. Of course, not everyone’s opinion of me would change because of the money; I had to remember that. I needed to focus more on the people that had always been there, and that always would be, rather than those who were about to cling on. I had real friends, real connections, and those were the ones that I needed to cling onto.
And that included Ashlee. I should have known that. I had a whole lot of making up to do.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Ashlee
Tuesday
The fact that Matthew wasn't at work made me feel like crap. Even if no one else could see it, it was totally obvious to me that he was going out of his way to avoid me.
Had I managed to blow it by accusing him of sleeping with Kerri and fathering her child? Things had certainly gone downhill since then. Or was I looking too deeply into it and this was all just to do with what Willy had told me? Was this all about his internal despair?
Every time I thought I knew what the hell was going on with Matthew and me, something else threw a wrench into the works.
As I lay in my bed the previous night, ever so slightly tipsy, looking through my yearbook photographs and remembering my mother’s story, I concluded that I would do whatever it took to be there for Matthew. I would be patient, kind, caring... I would do whatever he wanted, but how the hell could I do anything good if he was never going to be around me again?
“Are you free at the moment?” Ms. Peters asked me. “I’m sorry, I know that you’re very busy?”
“No, of course, I can do anything,” I stood up, grinning at her. Mary Peters really was a blessing in disguise around this place. She brought up the mood, rather than constantly dragging it down like Terri had done, and she always had cookies with her. Considering the confusion that I’d been experiencing, which coincided with her start date, the constant access to sugary treats was extremely welcome. “What do you need?”
“I have a little boy about to come in for his shots, Jago Lee he’s called. It says in his notes that he’s very nervous about needles, and considering I’m a new face, I figured that wouldn’t help much, so I was wondering if you could come in the room with me? It shouldn’t take more than a couple of minutes.”
“Well, I am a new face, too, but I’ll give it a shot.” My heart thundered in my chest as the next question fell past my lips. I already knew the answer to it, but I figured it might give me a little more insight. “Is Matthew not here? The kids know him very well.”
She bustled off and I followed closely behind her, not wanting to miss her answer. This was something that I could casually ask once without looking suspicious, but if I had to ask it again, Mary might suspect that something is up, and that my interest is something other than purely professional.
“I think he’s sick,” she called back to me. “I’m pretty sure he called in earlier this morning
to have all of his appointments rescheduled.”
Matthew wasn't sick – that much I was certain of. That man seemed to have the immune system of an ox, which must have helped him working around the sick. When we were in school, he was never the one that caught anything; he managed to avoid all the viruses, all the bugs, all the colds... It used to drive me insane, especially as I seemed to be a magnet for things. It had gotten better as I got older, but I was still nowhere near as strong as he was.
Either he was avoiding me, or the money had made him depressed.
When I went in to his office to speak to him about everything, I didn’t even thank him for the roofing contractor, who was doing an amazing job of fixing up our house, because I hadn’t wanted to talk about his winnings unless he wanted to.
Now I was starting to see that might have been a mistake, a missed opportunity to help him out. Would it be totally weird if I went to him after work to try and sort things out, or would that be an intrusion on his personal space?
There it was again, the frustration at never knowing what the right thing to do was. It was helping me to see that not everything was black and white, that not everything was one person’s fault, and that made me needier for him than ever.
As we walked out into the waiting room, I found a young boy cowering on his mother’s lap, leaning into her chest as if he was about to face torture – and to some kids, shots really seemed that way.
“Hello there, Jago,” I knelt and grinned at him. I had a lot of experience with difficult children because, often, speech therapy wasn't very popular. Anything that took a child out of their comfort zone didn’t seem to go down well. “How are you feeling?”
“Don't wanna,” he insisted, pouting out his lip, moving closer to his mom, who didn’t seem to know what to do. She clearly wanted to hug him tighter, but she also needed him to get his shot, so she didn’t want to baby him too much.
